My x is very stubborn, never wrong and had a propensity to have angry outbursts(AO). I have told her over the years that I do not like when she goes off, particularly in front of the kids. She did it again (AO) in 12-01 to which I said that I was not happy with this and had not been for 10 years(in addition to a few other issues I had w/her). Things never really recoved from the 12-01 arguement. Seperated 4-02. I plan A'd since 8-02 but her walls were very thick. D was final 9-02. I continue to plan A even after D. Last week my x took our kids to Disney World for a vacation (first w/out me). Friday night as she was traveling back to Clearwater from Orlando and she calls ( I live in Ohio)leaving a message on my voice mail saying she is dying to know the score of the OSU Miami game (way to go Bucks!!)and that I can reach her on her cell. Said that son was awake if I wanted to talk to him as well. Well it wasn't until later that I even realized she had called so I had not. When I got home the same message was on my home voice mail. Still I did not call (it was late). She called again on Sat and asked why I had not called. I told her it was late when I got home. I asked her if she got to see any of the game to which she said she listened to it on the radio. Question I have is why call to tell me she is dying to know the score if she had it on the radio? Then, Sat night she calls again and says "do you want to know what your daughter (5yrs old)told me"? I said "yes, what was it"? She said "daughter wants Mom to stay home w/Mom"! I asked x how she felt about that (x did not have to work and had gone back to work after staying @ home w/daughter for the past 4 years - her choice) to which she said she could not because she had her own mortgage now,etc...I know I should not read much into anything she says but this had me thinking that perhaps she is either missing me or that she is beginning to think that she had it pretty good w/me. No OM I am aware of. We talk occasionally, mainly about the kids (she calls sometimes under the guise of the kids - end up talking about her work - I validate at every chance)Our conversations have been pleasant due to my plan A efforts but no R talks. I did ask her in 11-02 if she though we would ever try to find our way back to each other to which she said "its too soon for this"

Is there any hope for us?

Married 12 years, 2 kids (s 8, D 5)

There is always hope. I found my hope at this web site.

www.restorem.org

I was a lot like your wife at one time.

gentle

<small>[ January 10, 2003, 11:44 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

So were you the one who initiated the separation in 4/02? Were you the one who initiated divorce? I couldn't figure that out from your post. Maybe you could give a bit more background. Because it certainly sounds like you have reason to hope that your XW wants to reconcile.

But if you were the one to initiate the divorce then why would you want to reconcile? Has your XW shown that she can control herself now? Has she changed enough so that you could accept her as your W? You sound like you had a lot of problems with her during your M. Why do you want to go through that again with no changes?

<small>[ January 11, 2003, 06:29 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

SH, The seperation was her idea "so she can figure out if I'm who she wants". She grew up in a house full of conflict. Her parents were both mentalally and physically abusive to one another and she had to endure this as a child...carried the same behavior into our marriage. I tried to reason w/her by asking her if she wants our kids to feel the same way she did growing up. Of course she did not but told me I diserve someone who loves me. After reading some of the posts here, I have a gut feeling that perhaps she had met someone else but she denies it. I think the biggest part of our problem is that I am guilty of not creating the necessary environment, emotionally, for her to enjoy physical intimacy...she gave in to sex to please me so there were feeling of resentment. This coupled with the fight in 12-01 culminated in her "reflecting" to which she concluded that she was not happy. Mind you, after our 12-01 fight, she made every effort to address the issues I told her I was unhappy with (sex when she wants it, how she wants it, etc. that I felt an emotional gap between us, the loss of passion - all feelings I had due to her disrespectful verbal abuse) I can honestly say that this was the only major prob in our marriage. Since the D she has not had any AO - is sometimes pleasant when we talk and then the next time she is short. She accused me of turning her into a cold hearted ***** this past summer while we were seperated. I continue to plan A to this day. Thanks for your reply.

Milsk1965 -
OK, I think I got the picture now. Thanks for the background info.

If you think you can handle it emotionally, then by all means continue hoping and going with a Plan A. What do you have to lose? Not only that, it will reinforce in your own mind that you've done everything you can to clear the way for reconciliation. That's the most important thing - that you never look back and regret not trying.

I think when you are ready to move on, your heart and mind will tell you it's time. Until then, and as long as your XW is continuing to give you hopeful signs, and as long as emotionally you are able to bear up under the stress, I think you're doing the right thing.

Please post again when you start having doubts and need to take another look. Or when you just need support to continue. I know those times will come.