I know there are still a FEW folks left who remember me from the "olden days", so I thought I'd let you'all know...I did it.

Today I filed a temporary restraining order against my stbxH. We have been separated since Dec. 9th in and out of Plan B, due to multiple A's and severe verbal, emotional, and mental abuse. Yesterday he was sick (literally...like flu or something) and in a cranky mood. Out of the kindness of my heart, because I was trying to do the right thing even though HE was being a crab, I took him over some chicken soup and orange juice!

Now, do you suppose he appreciated it? Hell no. He called this morning at 7:30am and I KNEW something was wrong, but like a fool I asked him, "Is everything okay?" That was all he needed! He LAUNCHED into a fit of rage because I had not made a phone call he asked me to make. In fact, I had made the call, but the person asked if I could call back, and taking over the soup and juice and then driving to get the kids at school and then some small grocery shopping--the afternoon went by! But who cares?? That's not the point. The point was that he RAGED at me about it, screamed at me, blamed me, accused me, yada yada yada. AT 7:30AM!!! I was barely awake and even if I forgot the darn call out of spite (which I didn't) I still don't deserve that kind of abuse!!

That's it. Enough is enough. I don't care WHAT his problems are or WHY he does it (of course, he says his rage is under control)--I'm done. He can go find someone else to put up with his crap because I won't anymore!!! I don't care if he's SICK--I don't care if he's ALONE--I don't CARE! For THREE YEARS I literally begged him to get help for his rage and his sexual addiction, and for THREE YEARS he had the chance to do something to save this marriage--and he chose not to do anything. His words deceived me ("I love you and I don't want to lose you") but his actions were consistent: I won't do anything to respect you or to help you heal or to even apologize for all those affairs!!

So I'm really nervous and shaky, but I'm safe and I did it. I'm proud of myself for finally, FINALLY having the guts to stand up for myself and protect myself and my emotional health from his vicious assaults...but I'm also REALLY sad. I never wanted this, ever. I so very much wanted him to face his demons and just offer me some reason to hope or a plan for recovery. Yep, even now I wish I could have a loving relationship with my children's father--but that isn't happening. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

CJ

I think this is good news. As long as he can't get near you, he can't hurt you.....physically OR emotionally.

Love and light,

Jacky

WOW!!!

I don't believe it!!!

CJ, you have taken so much from this man that you truly deserve an extra dose of peace.

What is your plan B status? If you are in an unannounced plan B, you need to stay with it. In fact, with a restraining order in place, I suggest you make every effort not to contact the man unless one of the children is in dire straits and he MUST be contacted.

If there is something that needs to transpire between the children and their father, con't contact him. I don't know how the order affects the children but, if I were you, I would not set up pick ups and drop offs for the children. The youngest is 13 and I don't suppose you can keep them from calling their father if they choose. BUT DON'T DO IT FOR THEM.

And how did that job interview go?

Mine went well but I think they have a candidate in mind and the interview was a formality. But, I was not intimidated. I did well, and I learned something. Each interview brings at least one new question and I have to formulate at least one new answer or tweak something that was not so effective in the past.

Let's hope we both get the jobs.

Mazel tov, my friend.

((((CJ))))

I'm so glad you did it! How long is the order for? It will take time for all the emotions to calm down, but you will be able to view him so much more clearly. I know that getting a no contact order is what saved me from an emotional breakdown. Now just stick to your guns....I'm sure he will try to get to you in subtle, non-threatening ways as mine did.....messages of care and concern on the phone, notes asking you to meet and talk about it......DON'T FALL FOR IT!!! Report every violation....I only reported 5 of maybe 20 violations because I was being "nice" and thought he'd get the hint, and after all they were nonviolent. But they were still intimidating and emotionally painful. I wish I'd reported every one of them....in my state it's 7 days of jail for every violation.

Hang in there CJ and email me if you want to talk more.....i've been there.

annavon2002@yahoo.com

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nina too:
<strong>I think this is good news. As long as he can't get near you, he can't hurt you.....physically OR emotionally.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well Jacky, unfortunately my stbxH is extremely sly and manipulative. The reason I got the TRO in the first place was because I could see that I was in imminent danger of harming my emotional health if this darn raging and abuse continued--and he sure as heck would not respect a Plan B!!! Now don't get me wrong. I know that I am plenty weak and just as often, I have been the one caving in and trying to be "nice." But you know what?? NICE DOESN'T WORK!! STOP BEING NICE!! At least, it doesn't work on him.

My hope is just to get a few weeks of peace and time to heal from these darn raging episodes! Man, for years I have just started to recover and he'd launch off on another one, so now I just will not take his slashing, damaging words any more. I need time, behind the shield of court/police protection, to heal and get some peace and work on myself--specifically my issue of trying to be "nice"! I think S-Anon should help with that. I'm One Stepping (haha--just started last week...Step one...get it??).

Anyway, I think it's good news and bad news. Bad news that I had to go to this extreme just to not be slaughtered by my own H--but good news that I had courage enough to do it and protect myself.

Sigh. This sucks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong> What is your plan B status? If you are in an unannounced plan B, you need to stay with it. In fact, with a restraining order in place, I suggest you make every effort not to contact the man unless one of the children is in dire straits and he MUST be contacted. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, my lovely princess, thank you for your peaceful thoughts. We are not in unannounced Plan B...I sent him a Plan B letter. He just did not respect it, and I was not very good at it. I often fell for his tricks when he would try to make me feel guilty or act sad...etc. That's codependency showing through, wouldn't you say?? But the TRO says: "...no concact OF ANY KIND..." Now before we go much further, I realize that this is a two way street--that also means I can not contact him. But trust me, I am FINE with that!! Every Single Time I have tried to be "nice" to the man, he has given me the shaft, so I have NO DESIRE to be in touch with him. I NEED to have time to work on me right now. Time to stop thinking of him and what he needs--time to think of MYSELF!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> If there is something that needs to transpire between the children and their father, con't contact him. I don't know how the order affects the children but, if I were you, I would not set up pick ups and drop offs for the children. The youngest is 13 and I don't suppose you can keep them from calling their father if they choose. BUT DON'T DO IT FOR THEM. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The T.R.O. says that the kids can visit their father overnight away from the property. He can call them and they can call him. I mean after all, they are teenagers! But the final arrangements must be agreed to by me via email. I told the judge I was okay with that because then all communications are in writing. Guess what?? Already today he has called the house a couple of times--and when I see his number on caller ID, I just have one of the kids answer it. I DO NOT WANT TO BREAK THAT T.R.O. otherwise I will be in trouble!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> And how did that job interview go? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It went very well. My prayer for me was that I would do the very best job I was able to do, and that if it was God's will for me to be there, that I get the job. I prayed for confidence and peace, and I got that. I do believe I did as well as I am capable of doing. So...I should find out early next week if I got the job.

CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Annavon:
<strong> I'm so glad you did it! How long is the order for? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our hearing to make it permanent is Jan. 21st, but I suspect I will file for D before that and in our state, a divorce automatically has a restraining order attached to it. The T.R.O. will be transferred into the divorce case.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> It will take time for all the emotions to calm down, but you will be able to view him so much more clearly. I know that getting a no contact order is what saved me from an emotional breakdown. Now just stick to your guns....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, it is taking a little time. I know after I got home yesterday, I pretty much collapsed--the adrenaline rush was over and I fell right asleep. Yesterday I felt nervous and scared. Today I feel a bit angry. In order to get the T.R.O. I wrote down every time he had called me names, swore at me, threatened me, threatened physical harm, threatened the pets, threatened to destroy property...and you know what? Seeing that list was SCARY!! OMG!! Why didn't I see this before? It's been a nightmare of abuse, and it's not getting better...it's getting worse. Since we separated 30 days ago, there have been 12 instances of raging or threats or screaming--that's more often than every 3 days!!

Still, I have to be honest and say that I CRY. I cry because I wanted our marriage to work out so badly. I wanted him to face his demons and be a loving husband and father. I wanted to have a life with him and a family with him, and now I won't...and that's sad. I wonder if I'm sick or something for wanting a man who treated me like that, and I suppose in a way I am. That's why I need to get away from him...now...before it's too late. Oh, I cry alright, but I thinks it's for the loss of the illusion or "what could have been".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I'm sure he will try to get to you in subtle, non-threatening ways as mine did.....messages of care and concern on the phone, notes asking you to meet and talk about it......DON'T FALL FOR IT!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your words are literally prophetic, and I must say that this is what I am the MOST afraid of. I am HORRIBLY weak when it comes to giving in to his mind games and manipulations. I keep falling for it!! But I will say this, I did good today.

Today, he called the house a couple of times "to talk to the kids." Then he got my D all confused about something and said "put mom on" and she didn't know what to do so she handed me the phone. He was trying to say that he couldn't do his work because we are self-employed and all his equipment and tools etc. are in the house. Well, amazingly, he has been out of the house for 30 days and never needed to get in to do his work...but suddenly TODAY he needs to get in. I told him "NO! I can't let you in. I'm not being *****y here...the court ordered it! I'm not even supposed to talk to you on the phone." Naturally he tried to threaten me: "Fine. Then I will just leave the computers at the door for you to fix" (knowing that I don't know HOW to fix them). I didn't fall for it. I said, "I can not let you in. Only the judge can change that. And all communication with me must be in writing--I can not talk to you on the phone." He was pissed, but I just hung up and wrote it down.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Report every violation....I only reported 5 of maybe 20 violations because I was being "nice" and thought he'd get the hint, and after all they were nonviolent. But they were still intimidating and emotionally painful. I wish I'd reported every one of them....in my state it's 7 days of jail for every violation. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See...he hasn't been served yet because the T.R.O. wasn't signed until 3pm on Friday, so I'm not sure if I should report it as a violation (how can he violate what he has not been served with?) and yet I did at least write it down as a record of attempted contact. I know that once he is served, I am supposed to call the police EVERY SINGLE TIME HE TRIES TO CONTACT ME. PERIOD. That's what the judge told me to do. Now, if the judge wants to change that on Jan. 21st, he can do it then. If I want to modify the T.R.O. I have that option, but why would I want to modify it when he's not respecting the one I already have??

God!! ONE DAY LATER and he's already trying to manipulate me! Unbelievable--and yet, I knew it was coming. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

CJ