Thanks for responding to my posts. Well, POland because I have never been there before. I have lived abroad in Europe before...but only in countries where I speak the language. Time for a dramatic change.
Wow, things are really, really bad today. I am going at him with all of my heart (in a nasty, vengenful way.) I know this reduces any chance of anything positive coming out, but I feel so frustrated by my emotions and the lack of him hearing me out. I have just been hammering him on and off all day...between the times when I'm not throwing up. Well Faith, I appreciate your suggestion about the meds to help...but I am in AA so any mind altering substance is out of the question. I do have a couple of Xanax stashed in the event of a real emergency, but I normally rely on herbal remedies. I am just so angry and out of control that I almost don't care anymore.
I should pray. Prayer always helps me.
Thanks for listening -- I guess it's better to vent here than at home.
Red

Red - I am on a herbal medication, recommended by a person who believes in herbs. Anyways, it is called HOLY BASIL and I am also with her recommendation on MENTAL CLARITY. The holy basil is to help with depression and the mental clarity speaks for itself.

Just my personal opinion, I would rather you go to Australia, or somewhere where things are under a civilized law. Poland, by the way that is where my parents parents came from. I have no desire to ever go to Poland. Most of the country is depressed, and just nothing that would interest me. I would love to go to Australia, or Zealand, or Switzerland, or Sweden. You know, Sweden has a lot of holistic practices. Maybe that is somewhere that you could find an interesting job.

I know about venting. I basically don't say much to my stbxh anymore. That hurts to even write it. He came over tonight, to fix something for me, and to interact with the kids. But I want him to stay for ever. To be a father fulltime, to be a husband fulltime. But he has chosen to be an adulterous man and to divorce. Why is it we feel so much pain, like my counselor said, my husband has moved on, kicked me in the a** and dumped me in the ditch. He is moving on with his life, and I would suspect he is in contact with his other woman. But who cares, they deserve each other, 2 adulterous poeple that don't believe in vows or committment. This hurts too.

Vent here. I will tell you something that the new counselor told me. I think he is great. And he told me somethings about my husband, but I can't say here. Cause SNL read the posts. It scared me, and I had to look it up. But you know, the personality he has become is him almost 100%. This makes me sad, I cried, when the psychologist told me, and said, a miracle will change this man. I am praying for my husband daily, and daily I cry for the breakup. He doesn't cry, he doesn't pain, his heart is not breaking, he is actually able to laugh. That hurts.

But us bs's we get to be hurt, and our spouses don't care. Ventall you want.

Oh yeah, I lose focus a lot, so my posts are all scribbled up. Anyways, the psychologist told me to vent in my journal. Scream at SNL, call him names, I was making sure I wrote nicely, how I loved him, how I want to dismantle his body, how I want to rip the OW hair out (what there is), and pull her boobs, till they rip off, and have her genitals sewn up. I hate the woman and it is not right, but he told me to do this, make a picture of her. I wish I had a picture of her, that way I wood make a voodoo doll and stab her daily. This sounds cruel, and I couldn't believe my ears when he told me this. He said, you have been too kind, to gentle, to forgivning. He is eating you up and doesn't care. He said, let this out, and I cried in his office, and he said let it out. You deserve this cry. He said cry till you have no tears. I will be here. So anyways, I am to write hurt in my jouranl. The pain I feel, the pain, the am enduring. To hate the other woman is natural. To want to destroy her is natural. To degrade her to a pile of ash is understandable. He said this will help you out. I do wish I had a picture of her, and I still could destroy her.

But, I have found this good in my journal. And I hope that one day, I can see this woman as a very sick woman, a woman that uses men, and that maybe God will help her. Like the OW told me, her counselor said she is mentally not well. And when she talked to me and coerced and manipulated me with suicide, I told my husband she didn't sound like a sane person. Anyways, she is a crappy woman, and she deserves to be beaten to a pulp.

Vent here, kick him in the butt here, pull his teeth out without medicaiton, make him feel the pain. Make him hurt, like you are hurting. Make him scream for mercy. That is what I want to do and I think you would want to do. Make the ones who are the adulterers, scream for mercy.

Just something that I am doing, and this is different.

Please think of a different country than poland. Please for your sanity. What about Australia? Maybe I could be a penpal with you. I would love to hear what you did every day, what you saw. And the country. That is one place that I had hoped that my husband and I could visit when we were by ourselves. But not now, he will probably take the OW with him. Since she has the body of a plump old bald headed woman, that my husband enjoyed her sooo... much. More hatred, it feels good.

Take and think clearly about where you would like to go. Go somewhere adventurous. Okay!