my stbxw is pregnant with OM's baby. our divorce isn't final yet and they are the happy little family. house, kids, 2 dogs and a big yard. if i continue to believe in karma then i must face the fact that i somehow deserve this. what exactly did i do in this life to deserve this humiliation? i can't see it, even though i was a pretty messed up person for a long time because of my own personal addiction to drugs and alcohol. i don't think i was that bad to deserve this crap. i was sober 3 years when her and i got together, sober over 6 years when i was fool enough to jump off the wagon, and in all the drudgery of what that brought into my life i never pimped her on the street to feed my addiction. other than minor arguments over my spending money on it we still were able to pay our bills and feed our children the same as always. if anything it only forced her to stop spending on every little thing she saw and wanted. knowing that my letting her see a side of me that she never had to know(even though she practically begged for me to relapse) even though i knew better....is causing me to blame myself for alot of this.....i didn't get involved with someone at work, she did.....i didn't choose the divorce, she did.....i was willing to try and work through it, she wasn't.....why can i not let go? why do i still love and want her? why am i thinking i'd even try to make it work now, if only she'd stop and make OM leave? even though she's gonna have his kid? what is wrong with me? i still want to be the one who makes her smile.
and she hates me. why can i not see how pathetic that seems to everyone else? why must i endure the pain of wanting her back when i know it is an impossibility for there to be any kind of reconcilliation? i'm finding it hard to have hope for the future when i can't see not loving her ever......iv'e been with other women since she booted me out the house and even had better sex than what we shared- she was selfish in bed- but they don't measure up, they aren't her. my children mean the world to me, they are precious and i adore them immensely. why then are they not reason enough for the suicidal thoughts to seem foolish? iv'e endured pain in my life before and iv'e got a pretty good handle on things, i feel physical pain is not that difficult to deal with because emotional pain is so much more intense. my heart is already a roadmap of scars from various hurts, i believe it makes my heart stronger and more resilient to future pains, also giving love heals like nothing else, yet it seems to me this pain may just be the final blow required to make me give up. i'm so lost. i'm staying with my brother and his new wife, theyv'e been married three months(his third), that should give me hope, right? i lost my job during all of this and the market is crap right now, i also went back to partying just long enough to get a DUI, ruin some friendships, and rack up enough additional tickets to put me back a few months financially. not receiving unemployment either...
my kids spent the weekend with me and were picked up by their mother just before i came inside to post on here, wasn't even planning on visiting the site tonight, but then i saw her. i didn't do anything wrong, just saw the kids off. but man does it hurt being the bigger person. they don't even know what that means either, do they? and when they left it all came back to me, there i was crying all over myself again. is this self pity or just the normal divorce pain? now that i'm beyond wanting to kill both her and OM i'm still wanting her back???? we were never that happy together in the first place, she always put everyone else before me and i resented being the only decent upstanding person in her life. i tried to bring her into my world but instead she brought her whole world(family included) into what we were trying to build together....always seemed i was working too hard for what??? never appreciated/ of course her side is she never was either....how do i move on with my life? i have all the time in the world to do anything now, so someone please give me a good answer on this. of course i'm also broke so it can't cost much. how do i bless her and let her go? this is what she wants and all i ever wanted was for her to be happy so if this is what it takes then.....screw that! i want my damn family back, restored to me and oh about $300,000 in cash might make me feel better about the last year. usurped of all i worked hard to achieve - the american dream can be stolen by people who didn't earn it???

this world really sucks sometimes, oh wait, that's just gravity.

if you read this whole thing, thank you for letting me rant, any suggestions would be appreciated. for now though i'm just gonna listen to some eminem, that always makes me feel better.

to quote trent reznor, "i just want something i can never have."

faust2112,

Let me start out by saying that I am a sober alcolholic of 10 years married (separated) to a drug addict alcoholic. There was a lot in your thread that spoke to me so here's my 2 cents ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i can't see it, even though i was a pretty messed up person for a long time because of my own personal addiction to drugs and alcohol. i don't think i was that bad to deserve this crap. i was sober 3 years when her and i got together, sober over 6 years when i was fool enough to jump off the wagon, and in all the drudgery of what that brought into my life i never pimped her on the street to feed my addiction. other than minor arguments over my spending money on it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">we never think we are "that bad" when using, never heard an exception yet. Do you / did you go to AA / NA? Do you have a sponsor? Living with an addict is HELL, no matter what you think, and I've seen it from both sides.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> knowing that my letting her see a side of me that she never had to know(even though she practically begged for me to relapse) even though i knew better....is causing me to blame myself for alot of this..... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did she practically beg you to relapse????
Yes, if you were sober for 6 years, you did know better. So what? Alcohol and drugs are cunning, baffling and powerfull and they are waiting for us in ambush. Blame, guilt and anger don't get or keep us sober. Just tell yourself it just was, now move forward and work the steps (again?)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">why can i not let go? why do i still love and want her? why am i thinking i'd even try to make it work now, if only she'd stop and make OM leave? even though she's gonna have his kid? what is wrong with me? i still want to be the one who makes her smile.
and she hates me. why can i not see how pathetic that seems to everyone else? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is hard to stop loving someone. This same story is posted again and again on these boards. And yes, we still do love them in spite of all the S*&t they have done! I had to ask myself deep down, really deep down why do I still love this man? Is it habit? fear? true love? What do I love about this man?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> iv'e been with other women since she booted me out the house and even had better sex than what we shared- she was selfish in bed- but they don't measure up, they aren't her. my children mean the world to me, they are precious and i adore them immensely. why then are they not reason enough for the suicidal thoughts to seem foolish? iv'e endured pain in my life before and iv'e got a pretty good handle on things, i feel physical pain is not that difficult to deal with because emotional pain is so much more intense. my heart is already a roadmap of scars from various hurts, i believe it makes my heart stronger and more resilient to future pains, also giving love heals like nothing else, yet it seems to me this pain may just be the final blow required to make me give up. i'm so lost. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've gotta be ok with you before you can be with anyone else. See, you've tried being with others and they didn't bring you happiness. Sobriety will if you work it. I agree, I think emotional pain is much harder to deal with, but you can do it. Work the steps. If your giving up, give it to God, surrender to him, the God of your understanding.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i also went back to partying just long enough to get a DUI, ruin some friendships, and rack up enough additional tickets to put me back a few months financially. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Financially is not the only area that you were set back. You were set back emotionally and spiritually. You can stay sober with or without any other person in your life &with or without a job. Go to AA / NA

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but man does it hurt being the bigger person. they don't even know what that means either, do they? and when they left it all came back to me, there i was crying all over myself again. is this self pity or just the normal divorce pain? now that i'm beyond wanting to kill both her and OM i'm still wanting her back???? we </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your feeling the pain now, and of course it's normal to feel pain in DV. You've got to allow yourself some feelings, but wallowing is self pity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> we were never that happy together in the first place, she always put everyone else before me and i resented being the only decent upstanding person in her life. i tried to bring her into my world but instead she brought her whole world(family included) into what we were trying to build together....always seemed i was working too hard for what??? never appreciated/ of course her side is she never was either....how do i move on with my life? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You move on with your life one step at a time. There are 12 steps and you take them one at a time with a sponsor and a group who will love you even when you don't love yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how do i move on with my life? i have all the time in the world to do anything now, so someone please give me a good answer on this. of course i'm also broke so it can't cost much. how do i bless her and let her go? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AA is free, it doesn't get better than that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if you read this whole thing, thank you for letting me rant, any suggestions would be appreciated. for now though i'm just gonna listen to some eminem, that always makes me feel better.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your post would be much easier to read if you broke it down into smaller paragraghs. Old eyes!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">to quote trent reznor, "i just want something i can never have."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So just want something that you can have - your sobriety, peace of mind, be happy, joyous and free, to instinctively know how to handle problems ..... any thing else you want?

D.

One more thing that I didn't hilight in my previous post

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my children mean the world to me, they are precious and i adore them immensely. why then are they not reason enough for the suicidal thoughts to seem foolish? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Call someone right now, you can get thru this. Go to an AA meeting, tell someone what you are feeling. I had suicidal thoughts too but cried out for help and it came. It's funny I never expected to find the help in AA. The help that changed my whole life around that I not only want to live, but am happy joyous and free. Yes, FREE. You can have that too.

Please come back and post to let me and the others here know how you are doing.

Call someone! You can do this deal.

D.

So you ask:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> is this self pity or just the normal divorce pain? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Self pity. Definitely. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Don't worry about it, though - a good long wallow in self pity always makes me feel better too. Just make sure you don't drown in it. And that last bit is said very seriously. I'm all for allowing ourselves a few days of crying & pitying. But more than that and it tends to perpetuate itself.

You said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> why can i not let go? why do i still love and want her? why am i thinking i'd even try to make it work now, if only she'd stop and make OM leave? even though she's gonna have his kid? what is wrong with me? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I get the feeling from your comments that you're as disgusted with yourself as you are with her. You feel like a doormat - you're being used & humiliated, and then you keep crawling back like a whipped puppy. And all because you love her so much you can't do anything else. Yep, I know exactly where you're coming from. I did that with my WH (now stbXH) for months. Made me feel so weak and pathetic, especially when my daughter & friends would look at me with disgust for putting up with his mistreatment.

But you know what? You've got it all backwards if you think you're wrong for loving your WW. And so do all those other people who keep telling you to walk out & forget her. Remember those wedding vows? You said "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part". The fact that you continue to love your WW and are still trying to restore your M shows that you do understand what those vows truly mean. In my mind, that certainly does make you the superior person. That's what all of us on MB have discovered - that our vows really have meaning.

Another thing that helped me was realizing that my WH was mentally ill. Because anyone who did what he did - forgot all our history together, stopped loving me, turned into an alien, even changed his political beliefs (!) - had to be nuts. And I honestly believed that and still do to this day.

I did go back through all your previous posts just now to more fully understand your situation. Seems to me that you never have truly understood MB principles or Plan A or Plan B. I know you say that you've destroyed a forest studying this stuff. But from what I've heard you say, it sounds like you still haven't got it. What do you think?

You've got a great sense of humor. You've managed to hold on to that, despite your pain. That'll stand you in good stead over the next days and months and year(s). And it makes me think you weren't really serious about those suicide thoughts, right? I know, I had the same thoughts flicker through my mind during my worst moments. Kind of makes us feel like we've got some control, doesn't it? By God, if we can't have the world as we want it then we'll just remove ourselves from the world! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But that's just ranting, right? Right???

Hope you're doing better today.

You are grieving. There's a difference between self-pity and grief. The first has a negative connotation, but grief is very important. Please let yourself grieve. If you stuff it, it will only come out in unhealthy ways later. Grief is the way your soul heals.

Our society is uncomfortable about grief, so they mislabel it as self-pity and in other ways attempt to short-circuit a normal, healthy process following loss.

You have suffered a loss and many losses in that one. Until you recognize the wounds, you can't treat them. Identify what those individual losses are and grieve each one. Write them in a journal. Even copy & tape this your post and all these responses in your journal. This is what you have done today to treat your wounds, heal and grow. Keep dealing with the cries of your heart. Keep reaching out to others who can support you.

Even if a marriage is horrible, there was likely some good, and still loss and grief in letting go and moving on. It is a history you have to make peace with. Recognize the good of it, what was learned, as well as what was lost and the pain of it, grieve....and put your hand in God's during this process and let Him bring you forward.

In addition to "finding God as you understand" (AA words), I encourage you to see this crisis of feelings as a longing of your soul for the intimacy you need most. He created you and longs to be close to your heart. He will show you a much bigger picture for your life. He loves you!!
Yes, Grief is spiritual work (as well as emotional)....This is an opportunity for you to draw near to God and discover Him to be much more, much better than you ever understood! Through my deepest grief, I learned of His care and truth more than ever. You'll discover that He's AWESOME and You're His special creation with a GOOD future....

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

Faust, only God's strength can get you through this!

You've gotten excellent responses here from caring people. I hope you are touched by them and that new HOPE will rise within you.

Big hugs to you (((((((Faust)))))))))!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ January 15, 2003, 07:35 PM: Message edited by: Renae ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WillGetThruThis:
<strong>we never think we are "that bad" when using, never heard an exception yet. Do you / did you go to AA / NA? Do you have a sponsor? Living with an addict is HELL, no matter what you think, and I've seen it from both sides</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">first off, thanks to all who replied, was just a bad moment for me and had to vent.

no i don't go to meetings anymore, no, my sponsor commited suicide years ago(guess he thought drinking was the wrong thing to do)....many things there, can't seem to put the personalities aside....the principles are what i live my life by though.....God is my favorite self help program now....therapuetic value of one addict/alcoholic helping another is without parallel...this is true....i spend quite a bit of time with others discussing things- mainly the DV - and am very open to learning the things i must to get by.....as far as my not getting the MB concepts, i disagree...they were hard learned, i had to go through months of self abuse before i would allow myself to do it the right way....at first i was always LBing.....now i just do my best to keep my mouth shut and stay focused on the children...even though she's due in march, i don't make any comments about her situation/relationship....iv'e decided to let her go as best i can and when it gets too hard for me i try to let God run the show...sometimes it works, other times i get really frustrated, but iv'e learned to keep all of it to myself....if her new life is meant to be, i can let go..... better to heal myself and not be so obsessed with vengeance, besides i would probably get caught even though i think i'm smarter than that....i'm also not being completely honest here....when all of this started to happen i LBed so much and scared her pretty bad, so much so that i figured she'd never want to try and work it out with me.

i'm passive/aggressive, co-dependent, straight up crazy. part of why i wanted so bad to work it out with her was due to the fact that she couldn't even see her own demons and how they controlled her life. my co-dependency shining through! i don't want to fix her, just show her there's a better way to live, she was never interested in finding out how to better cope with me and my addiction/even though i was sober....it was MY problem(her words)...there never was anything wrong with her(her words)....i gave up trying and she fell out of love with me cuz of the jeckyll/hyde syndrome of active usage.....it's not self pity if you know you caused it...it's self awareness...I knew she couldn't handle me using....I knew letting my addiction run free would destroy the life i was blessed with through my sobriety and dedication to trying to live by the Lord's will.....I still let it happen...cunning/baffling/powerful/patient....even the smartest addict/alcoholic will get close enough to the fire to get burned again if they forget the pain of slavery.....alas, today I choose life....and let The Big Guy Upstairs handle the small stuff.

if you insist that i return to meetings, i may just ignore you.....i'm a little ornery.....but i will agree that i need more support than i'm currently getting...we'll see what happens???

i found this site when i ran a search for "how to save a doomed marriage".....can't say it worked but only one partner was willing to try anything to save what once was.....we both had a hand in the failure of it, but I was the only one interested in repairing the life...my children are the ones who'll suffer the most. for that I am responsible...hard thing being a man, and being hard enough with yourself to own what you KNOW is yours....don't actually need a fourth step to know myself....learned my lessons well, or not....the suicide thing is just a rant, i'm farther from actually doing it now than i was three months ago....still the thought sometimes nags me....but i know better, i hope.....God isn't done with me yet....and i ain't done raping this world yet, i still don't have all i want nor am i anywhere near satisfied with where i'm at...
before anyone replies to the rest of this, please read all of my previous posts, just so you have complete background on me....i will be stronger for all of this in the end(as iv'e been told), although i would have preferred to have remained the weaker person i used to be...better to evolve i guess, just miss her so much sometimes, then again i still wish to harm her for the pain she has caused me, only harm her by taking away her new thing, teach her about loss.....caveman instincts 'nall

TTFN