Hey Y'all, it's been a while. Since Christmas I've been through some personal trials and helped my family through some. NOW I NEED TO LAUGH...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to it’s body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

ROTFLMAO

Did you know that Tinkerbell in "Peter Pan" was designed after Marilyn Monroe.

My bil teaches agriculture. He takes his advanced animal science students to visit various animal farms for a variety of reasons. They get to see artificial insemination of horses and pigs copulating. Things like that. He says the term "scr--" for sex is definitely related to the penile action of the male pig.

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

For women who wish to chant something to help them march in the proper cadence:

Left, left, left, right, left.
My back is breaking.
My bra's too tight.
My boobs are swaying from left to right.
Left, left, .........

But dolphins do it several times an hour. Must be good cause they're always smiling.

I dont think pigs do it very often.

Fish breath versus slop breath???? Did you ever smell a pig farm??

<small>[ January 15, 2003, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]</small>

And they are much more intelligent than a pig.

There is a goverment conspiracy to pollute the oceans because they are really afraid the dolphins are going to take over. Thats why they spent so much money on trying to interpret their language.

Forget N. Korea, I think thetre building bombs somewhere. Thats probably why we cant find Atlantis. Thats probably their secret nuclear storage site.

Gonna start small like with large commercial fishing boats, cause they are taking over their food source. After they destroy the world economy and render us powerless cause we have no fish to eat, all that omega 3 we wont have access to, we'll all have heart attacks and then they will be all set to stage their takeover.

We think we have dominated and trained dolphins, put them in our aquariums and made spectables out of them, teaching them to do the hula hoop. They really allowed themselves to be caught so they could get very close to humans and learn our weaknesses.

Sorry, I got carried away. Too much time on my hands tonite. Did I make you laugh????

Am I insane or what?

On the TLC channel, they did have a program about the dolphins, and the memory of these animals. Wouldn't surprise me that they are the FBI undercover (heehee) water, and are memorizing our layout.

Now 30 minutes for the pigs, whoa nellie! That is so stimulating. But what about the pigs in the wild, they take that long, and the predator will be at them in no time. Wonder if it is just the domesticated pigs, or all pigs. Otherwise, this would be another species wipedout.

Sex, what's that?

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

Harold,

Are you from Ft Worth?

D.

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

This made me laugh.
Children laugh 146 times a day, adults laugh only 4 times a day.....

No wonder we're so unhappy... What's your new name??? Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day.

Here is your dose... Follow the instructions to find your new name. The following in an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tulefel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

For example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts. Put more laughter in your life!!

Milk goes sour at the same rate you shed skin.

My new name is:

Zsa-Zsa Liverlips

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 03:46 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

My name is Waffle-Tushie, Zippy Waffle-Tushie. It's good to meet you.

Does this mean I go from a hyphenated first name to a hyphenated last name?

I was thinking after D I would like to go back to my maiden name, but I wont as I have 4 wonderful children with deadbeats last name.

My new name using my married name is Oprah Applebuns

My new name using my maiden name would be Oprah Rhinotush.

I think Ill stick with the married name on both counts. Applebuns sounds so much cuter than rhinotush!!!