Ouch. I hear your anger and frustration. May I suggest that maybe sometime in the future you burn the journal? A "symbolic death" has always helped me get on with life in difficult times. I think sometimes we need a symbol of the death of something in order to create rebirth. Just my two cents.
I will look into your herbal remedies -- I know a fair amount about them but have never heard of the ones you're taking. I take Bach Flower for anxiety -- and today I actually thought that I was going to have to dip into my Xanax. However, I survived with extra vitamin B, no coffee, and some herbal tea. Do you take vitamin B? It really helps when you are stressed. Sometimes I wish that I could just run to some quack of a doctor and get filled up on valium...but I know that in the long run, it would only make my problems worse. For me, it's important to remember to feel, breathe, and pray. NOthing will get any better for me (in my case) by numbing myself to the truth.
Okay, okay. I'll put Poland on the back burner. But I may return to France. Lots of history (good) and friends there and I speak the language. At any rate, no big plans for the immediate future --- I must pick myself up first before I can begin to put one foot in front of the other.
I hesitate to suggest, but if you really want to get back at him there is always Macumba -- Brazilian voodoo god. I hear that once you're cursed by him, you'll suffer greatly. All I can say is tread VERY, VERY carefully with this one -- you know once you start dabbling in evil the risk of self injury is very great. Keep me posted -- I really enjoy hearing from you and you bring a smile to my face with your caring!
Red

Voodoo dolls, are only for the immediate anger to leave. But I don't have one, won't get one, and will deal without one.

Yes, I am on a complex Vit. B. Also, 'Biost', a natural food element that is for healing muscles. Also, I am suppose to take 'Humulus Lupulus' which is a freeze-dried Hoops Strobile. This is also for stress, and healing muscles. I am to take Ostrophin PMG, which is a calcium sort of natural supplement for the bones. This was suggested by my massossologist. The only thing, is with the alimony that I will get, there is no way that I will beable to afford getting these supplements, and continuing on with life in a comfortable manner. That is why I have to leave this to God, and God will provide.

A stressful day today. Saw my lawyer, and gave him the rest of the paperwork he needed. We are meeting on Friday, not tomorrow with SNL and his lawyer. Both my lawyers will be there. I hate this so much, it is going to be tough, and I feel that my husband is going to be so angry at me, and hate me more. I still love this man, why, cause I do love him, but not who he is now. I hope that he agrees to most of what is said, so that the cost of this thing can end. I am stressed out to the max, and wanting to have some sort of life, with what I can have. I have found more stress zits coming out. I know that is what these are, and my stomach hurts, and I have been throwing up. I know this is stress, and just trying to live. I lost it as physical therapy. I guess my face and color showed my distress. I basically lost control of feelings, and started sobbing. I told Jenny my PT, that I need to leave, she said no, and Patrick the owner of this PT, said to use the table in the room that there is one all by itself. This room is for those areas that need to be private. Anyways, we talked while she massaged my neck, and I guess my head was sitting crocked on my head. When I laid down, the head was tilted to the left. She found that the muscles were so tight, and that the muscles on the right were spasming. She worked on me for 45 minutes, and then put heat all around my neck, and I feel asleep. I woke up 35 minutes later, and she said are you okay, and I was. Everyone gave me a hug, and it was so nice to have these people as friends. They all know the situation I am in and I guess my face shows the stress.

I will be a divorced woman shortly. Doesn't feel good, doesn't sound good, and doesn't go according to Gods word. So I hate the word, I hate the actions, I hate the symptoms and I hate my hsuband for being a betrayer. Pastor Jim and I will talk again, and I want to be able to go to the cell group this Wednesday. Only if I am in a good frame of mind.

But this is what SNL wants. I was loyal to my hsuband, I had the opportunity, and I refused. I made a committment with God, and I kept my commitment. I made vows and I kept my vows.

It is a shame, cause I feel we love each other. And I feel that we could of had a loving relationship. But once SNL had a fantasy with the other woman, he is set on leaving. He sees only someone else, not his wife being with him the rest of his life. I will always be his wife, and that is part of the vows made in church. But he has to deal with it.

Anyways, my oldest daughter is living with me, and I will spend time with her, and help her in the barn. Working outside is good for the soul. To be near the horses, and to be near her, and know that she is a good woman, and loves both of us. I love her, she is beautiful, and has some good plans. I hope she is very successful, and finds a very committed man in her life, that is committed to God, and committed to her second. I really am praying for a christian man to spend her life with.

That is sad too. I asked SNL if he wanted to attend church with me, he doesn't see why he needs to go to church. So I will go by myself, since I will be doing other things by myself.

I saw the advertisement for the movie, gosh, I can't remember the name. But it has to do with the little girl, and the mother going through depression. It was on Oprah today, and the actors. It is according to the statistics going to go up for the oscars. Gosh I wish I could remember the name. It starts with THE, anyways, go on oprah website for today, and you will find it.