Oh Faith,
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this..I know all about the throwing up and the anxiety. I really do. I was glad to hear that you are a fan of good, hard work outdoors -- it really does help. I would rather mow the lawn or shoe a horse than sit with a book. something about nature and the animals (they do know when you are feeling down and can help with affection) always helps me.
Please do try to eat, even if it just some tomato or chicken soup. I know -- I went from 105 lbs to 92 in a matter of weeks -- and it would take me an hour or so to eat a couple of crackers. this is normal though, I found out that when you are in "fight or flight" mode everything shuts down in your body except for the blood pumping to your heart and adrenal glands. But still, you must eat and sleep. I use valerian for sleep sometimes and other times kava kava tea. If it weren't for the the few close friends I have who insist on meeting at Denny's, I would probably waste away. Find out what sounds good to you and just sit down with it for a while.
I am glad that you have your daughter there to help you and also keep you busy. You know, I am in AA, and one thing that they focus on (I'm not here to lecture -- just share) is that helping other people eventually helps yourself. I can't say for certain that it has helped me, but I know others swear by it.
Naw, leave the voodoo aside. What he has done WILL come back to him and with greater force. Please take care of yourself. Give me an update tomorrow or later tonight. I care.
By the way, when people really hurt me and I feel like I must curse them in some way...this is what I do: I wish alien abduction on them. Now, I don't believe in alien abduction,so what I am wishing on them is harmless but it does make me feel a little better. Been doing this for years and my mother-in-law still hasn't mysteriously disappeared!! Trust me!!

Boy you are tiny. The Alien abduction. I don't want that with my MIL, she is a kind loving woman. She is hurting too, with all that is happening to her. But I too, would like instead of an island, send all WS's to the Planet of "A". Could be Alien, Adultery, Affairs, Adulterer, Adulteress, Adultery, A Love Affair, A Odd Person, A extraterrestrial, but the first letter of the planet would be a great big RED 'A'.

This is the handling of stress for some of us. Not able to eat. Some go to eating. It is the way each of our bodies work. I know that I must eat. My daughter has a card with GNC, so she bought some of the myoflex powder drinks to make with milk. I tried one yesterday, it was chocolate mint. It was pretty good. They have fruit flavors, and I thought, I might try those. But this morning I am going to try chocolate/peanut butter.

This is something to quickly mix up with milk and go. That is what I need now. Something quick and easy. Something that I know is good for you. Eggs are okay, but just once inawhile. And I am sick of toast. And cereal, is okay, but you tire of that. So that way, I have flavors and can choose.

The voodoo is totally out of my mind now. She will have to pay for her adulterous life. Don't feel sorry for her yet. I feel sad for her family. Knowing this is her 2nd for sure sexual affair. But this is her life, and I just wish that I could send her to the 'A' planet. Especially since this is her 2nd affair.

Going to counseling today with Dave. He is really a good counselor. I talked to my Pastor Jim, and the mother church uses him, he is very compassionate, and qualified. He saw what is happening between the two of us. And I told hm that I want to communicate with SNL. So the boundaries is a good book, to set limits. I did my homework, and feel this man is going to help me.

So you shoe a horse, I agree, outside work is wonderful. You talk with God, smell the air, see the sunlight, see the birds, see the animals, all this that God created. I am not one to stay in the house all the time. That is the one thing that I liked about my WH. He enjoyed the outdoors. We used to walk in the park, talk in the park. We loved each other, and enjoyed the outdoors together. It seemed that as time went by, he was more to staying indoors and that bothered me.

Anyways, do you shoe horses? Just wondering. And the animals, their love is so unconditional. It is so good to have my cat Shu-fu, she comes to me and starts giving me love bites. The other day, I was crying on my bed, and she came up to me talking. She put her paw on my face and touched a tear and licked her paw. She did it over and over. Could of been the salt. But then she laid down, and put her head right on my face, and purrred. This was so warm, and I cried some more. The cat was able to give compassion. When I go out to the barn, I talk to the horses. The baby, Lilly, she gets right into your face. I talked to her and she nuzzles me. I was once afraid of horses, but not now. I look into their eyes, and talk, and it seems they listen. I do love animals, and I do love having animals. I guess I will keep our bird 'Solo'. She took a hot bubble bath this morning. My shoulder is so painful!!! So I laid in the bubbles, and I am going to look for one of those pillows that you put in the tub. That way, I don't have to worry if I should fall asleep in the tub. It was sooo... soothing, to lay there, and the bird was on the edge of the tub. Just like Demsey the gray kitten. He came and laid on my chest that one time.

Animals give unconditional love. Someone could beat them, and then turn around and show them love and they will come to you. Maybe my life should of been an assistant vet. At one time, I was thinking of going to school to do this, and at the time they had a grandfathers clause. I didn't have self-esteem. And felt I wasn't smart enough. That has been a problem most of my life. Being ridiculed by my TWIN brother, and my mother. Anyways, part of growing up, and I have forgiven the two of them. They didn't know better, and I know that I was smart enough to have gone to Assistant Vet. school. But now, at my age so many decisions to make, and so many headaches.

Talk to you later. Yes, the bath helped, but my arm is moving just a little, and then I feel pain. So something is wrong.

1RED - Fight or Flight mode, is coming up again. I talked to my counselor today, and there is a real concern coming up. SNL and I are going to go to my lawyers office this Friday, and try to talk about some settlement. Not looking forward to this, cause I feel SNL is going to get really angry. That is one of the things that I wish SNL would do, is go to the 12 step management program. Stomach has been sick today, and I am feeling crappy. Physical therapy, said my shoulder does not look good, and they are waiting to find out on the 21 of this month on what the surgeon wants to do. My shoulder is so sore, and seems it is getting difficult to move.

Still wishing that I could send all adulterous, betrayers to the planet of 'Aliens'.

See you later.

Hi Faith,
Sorry you have a bad case of the "nerves" again I know how sometimes that can come up when you least expect it.
When we were in the attorney phase, my H would get just furious. You know, I really just understand it -- I mean this from the bottom of my heart. How can a man whose career you helped found, for whom you worked tirelessly, whose household was taken care of, and with whom I moved 3000 miles away from my family suddendly say "I don't owe you a thing. It's normal for a woman to lose a certain lifestyle after divorce." True, we don't have kids. If he had been fair with me in the first place, we probably would've gotten a D back then and I wouldn't be in this pickle again. Ah well, what is God trying to show me?
I'm okay today...feeling better after a couple of good meals. However, I found ANOTHER receipt ($160) from a pawn show today. Who is he buying stuff for and what is it???It isn't me. I dare not confront him after our last blow-up, but this is getting strange. I know more or less where he is 90% of the time, he is always home in the eves, doesn't have time to spend away from home, etc. I am really trying to keep my cool because in the bottom of my heart I really do believe him that nothing is going on with anyone else...I hope I'm not being too stupid. How on earth do you deal with paranoia??
Hang in there -- I hope that tomorrow goes better than expected for a change. Not to be sarcastic or making fun of your pain, but I just wonder what would happen if you showed up to talk to him in a red clown nose and rainbow afro...just a thought of a COMPLETE 180!! I will make a big, tall wish that he is painlessly spirited away by aliens to Planet A where the streets are paved with sticky pain and misery that adheres to his life like cheap, bad bubble gum.
Gotta go wash before Law and Order. Let me know what happens. I care.
1REd