I don’t even know where to start and this post might be very long. My husband and I were separated (his choice) from 8/2001 through 3/2002. He moved back in just before me going to Plan B. I was ready for Plan B and had already written the letter but got seriously ill and ended up in the hospital so I never moved to Plan B. Anyways, when he came back, my feelings had already changed so much that my love bank was empty. In the first few months of his return, things were going slow but they were headed in the right direction and I started to open my love bank to him.

Now several months down the road and the constant fighting for the past 5 months have completely drained my love bank and I have asked him to find somewhere else to live. Actually, we talked about him moving back out before Christmas but he is still in the house with us. Now that I have had enough of it, he ironically can’t find anywhere to go but when he wanted to move out, it took him all of three days. He is frustrated with me because I am no longer trying. Unfortunately, I have not been able to get past my anger and hurt and am unable to open my heart back up to him only to have it shattered once again. I tried for so long to make this marriage work and once he came back from the recent separation, I have not been able to open my love bank back up to him.

The 7 ½ months we were separated, we both really changed a lot. Plan A really helped me realize that I am a good person, a great mother and that I was someone that people liked to have around. For the two years leading up to us separating, he made me feel differently and I was never allowed to go anywhere with him because he didn’t want me there. It is like we don’t even know each other at all and it is very hard for me. It has gotten so bad for me that I look at him and I feel nothing. I sometimes feel contempt when I look at him and I have tried to get past that but have not been able to. One of the things that I am having a hard time dealing with is a fight we had a couple of months ago and he cornered me and kept pushing me in the chest. It scared me a lot and I have not been able to forgive him for that. He has never laid a hand on me before but now that I know he is capable of it, it frightens me. I don’t even sleep in the room with him anymore. I have been sleeping on the couch now for 3 months.

I am so confused that I don’t know what to do anymore. He keeps laying guilt trips on me that I am throwing our family out the window and that I should just forget everything that has happened and let him in again. Well, I have tried that twice before only to be let down and have him leave me. Why should I believe him this time? I feel like I have failed in my attempts to make this marriage work, like I am letting the kids down because I can’t take anymore but I just don’t know what to do at this point and it is not fair to the kids to see us so unhappy all the time. We are both in individual counseling and have stopped marriage counseling.

Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Michele

(((((((((((((Michele))))))))))))

First off, if you’ve learned anything from this, I hope that you have learned that next time you go furniture shopping, DON’T SKIMP ON THE COUCH.

How does the old saying go “If you love something then let it go, if it comes back it is yours and if not it never was” or something like that. Now’s when you say, but he did come back so he’s mine and I say that you weren’t the one letting it go. STOP and read that sentence again to make sure you understand it.

I was never in the position to “take her back” though for a while it was all that I longed for. Then as I “Plan A’d”, all of sudden one day she just didn’t look that appealing to me anymore. I looked at all the qualities that I was settling for and wondered “What kind of Loser am I”. Not a loser for a “failing” marriage, not a loser for a “broken” home, but a loser for allowing myself to treated substandardly for that many years and further more allowing my children to see that this was normal behavior.

Michele, I see absolutely positively not one ounce of failure in you to try to make your marriage work and hold your family together. You have every right to think about what is best for you and kids right now. Once again you’ve come to a cross-roads in the journey of life and it’s a decision that only you can make. BUT, please do every body in the situation justice by making your decision from the correct state of mind.

Go get yourself a nice café latte, pick up a smutty romance book, light about forty candles, take a nice hot long bubble bath, and relax…… And if that doesn’t work then hit something really hard, that sometimes helps too.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

PS. I'd also like to add that Mr. Man lost all his rights of making you feel guilty when he walked out the first time.

Just sending a hug!
You've been absent from the boards for a while, and I hope you are able to do what you feel is best for you and your family.

Oh hon, I hate to read this. I don't even know what to say. Well, I do know that you shouldn't ever put up with any abuse.

Bill is right, guilt is not in the picture here.

I'm gonna kick this around for a while then email you later.

E

LH (Bill), Newly & Justthewife:

Thank you so much for your responses. It means a lot to me to get support from this board.

I know my challenges I will face are still many but for the first time in my life I actually feel like I am going to handle them and be okay.

Bill, I completely relate to the "Plan A'ing" and then my H not looking as appealing as before. I also understood the "If you love someone let it go analogy".

Thanks again.

Michele

PS-My couch is very comfortable and your joke made me laugh.

I have been told we are thru. She says no to counselling,and wants to wait until May when youngest gets married to leave.Meantime she wants to find out who she is. W Says I love you but not in love.
I have ignored withdrew, but always expected her to do counselling, she never would. Split for 3 weeks 8 yrs back. How do I deal with someone that is leaving, but not now? I see the wedding of daughter as an end to my married life. Wife is normally giving to any and all, but will not budge.Help. Married 22 yrs and now its just us to fix.

sballplyr,

I am sorry to hear this, am not sure that I have any advice at this time for you!!!

domino,
I see that your post on this thread is your first, please start a new thread and give your complete story so that we collectively may help you. There are many of us in the same time frame of marriage. Please post!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(((((((((((Michele)))))))))))))

What is now happening to you was always my fear if my X and I had managed to reconcile. I could actually SEE such a situation for us. Still, it took me up until a few moths ago to truly NOT want him back. Too many kicks down by then.

I don't know what advice to give you now, except to ask if you have had any counselling, or have you tried to involve him in MB stuff? Does he REALLY know how you feel? Does he just not care? And do YOU really not care?

That last is a hard question to face, I know, believe me...

Your love bank is empty because he is not filling it. WHY he isn't is something I guess only you know. If he doesn't know what to do to meet your needs, he isn't going to. If he doesn't WANT to meet your needs he isn't going to. But also, if YOU don't want him to meet those needs, he isn't going to.

So where does it leave you hon? I know the way things are right now is not making it the marriage you want. Sleeping in another room for three months is not good. Feeling no love for someone you are with is bad, and not a good example for the kids, who pick up on everything. You have asked him to go....he hasn't found anywhere yet (translate that to anyONE yet). UGH, it is awful.

I would guess that you have some real decisions to make, real hurts to forgive, if you are going to, real issues over his behaviours. I really don't think you guys can sort it out on your own. If both of you do nothing, the marriage is set to end. So if you decide you want the marriage, I suggest you get talking with him about counselling and MB philosophy and get working hard. Because 'recovery' isn't easy, so they say here on the recovery board. It is probably going to be the hardest work you have ever done. What you need to do right now, BOTH of you, is consider if that hard work is worth it.

I hope I didn't come across too bluntly, Michele; you know I care for you and I am just trying to help.

Love and light,

JAcky

Nina Too (Jacky):

Thanks for your support and input. You bring up some very interesting points. All things that I have tried in the past. We have been to counseling, both individual and joint. As far as MB goes, that was a big bad thing to him. As far as my love bank, I have closed it. Even when he makes the effort to meet a need of mine, the bank is to far overdrawn.

Honestly where I am at today and have been for several months is I AM DONE! I have tried so hard in the past to let him know what my needs are and he never wanted to meet them. Then the constant verbal badgering and then the one physical was enough for me to realize that I had had enough and won't allow myself to be treated like that anymore.

I dread coming home from work every night. I dread the weekends and I am always finding things to do to get out of the house. Do I think this marriage could work? Not at this point. I am not willing to open myself back up to him. He has had several chances and I am not going to continue to put myself or the kids through this anymore. I know this isn't very MB but I am emotionally exhausted.

Thank you all for your input. It is greatly appreciated.

Michele

PS-Jacky, you never come across to bluntly.