I recieved the following letter today (through my attorney):

"This is to inform your client, (me), that I am NOT going to have any contact by any means whatsoever with my children until I have a paper in my hands that informs me of your clients dropping the no contact order completely. I am aware of no law that requires me to to make visitation."

My first reaction is.....wow! Praise the Lord! I suppose this is supposed to be another intimidation technique, and I am sorry for the children who don't understand, but it's really exactly what we all need....to be away from his mind games. So, what do you all think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Annavon:
<strong>So, what do you all think?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First and foremost, I think it's terribly sad I pray that the Lord will bless you and your children.

Second off, WHAT THE FLIP is he thinking? What punishing the innocent to try to inimidate you, what a winner this one is...

Someone had a post the other day apoligizing for "Male Bashing" but with some of the examples of seen of malehood on these boards lately, I'm thinkin of getting a sex change....

Hugs, THoughts, & Prayers

Wow Annavon!
I usually lurk here once or twice a week, but I just had to log in and respond on this one! First of all, the news is probably too good to be true. If he's really serious about ceasing visits with the kids, well boy howdy, wouldn't that be grand! I know you've had concerns about them spending time with him, especially since you found out more things in his criminal past. I'd suggest having a parade and a party, but I know you've bent over backwards not to put down their dad in front of the kids. You're a class act all the way. The only other thing I wish for you at this point is for you to live where your ex can't find you.

How are you going to explain it to the kids? They're accustomed to spending time with him, right? Your ex has already withheld the desirable qualities of a father. It would truly be a blessing for the rest of him to be absent from your childrens' lives as well.

Annavon - this is just going to make things harder for him. And this is definetly more power in your pocket. The only thing is that this is going to hurt the kids. Is there any counseling that could be given to the kids. And to inform them that this is not mommys fault, and to relieve the pressure off of you.

If this is the way he wants to act, with manipulation, let him. The judge will see who is the one that is causing so much pain, and being totally STUPID!!!!

Keep your head up high. As far as going where the father can't find you. I don't know if I would. But I would have your lawyer go to your school, talk with the childrens friends parents. And talk to your lawyer about having protection for you and your kids. Maybe the best thing is to find somewehre else to live, I really don't know. But I feel protection needs to be instilled here. Do you?

This statement made by him is acknowledgement that he is out of control.

Thanks for your insights. As to protection: Currently there is a no contact order against him until June 2003, it can be extended if there is reason. The divorce decree stipulates that he CAN have visits with the kids if he has them supervised by someone authorized to do so. He must also complete sex offender treatment classes. The children are also required to be in counseling; I think I'll ask their counselor about this too. (For the record, I do NOT believe he abused OUR children. yet.)

I don't think it would be healthy to leave the area....he lives 14 miles away on a farm in the country and we live in town now. We have attended the same church for 4 years, and altho the kids are in a new school district, they already knew most of the teachers and many students from church....I have a cottage industry here, and many friends....including the county sheriff, several policeman, and a few attorneys, all of whom I knew before all this happened! So our support system is really strong.

The children haven't seen their dad since Oct. 31. They were very upset that night as he refused to take them trick or treating and just gave them each a huge sack of candy instead. He wouldn't understand that it wasn't the same. They are upset that they got no Christmas presents from him and that they haven't heard from him. Until now, I have explained that he has to arrange for supervised counseling and we will go meet him at that time. Now I wonder if I should tell them the truth.....that he won't do it. Which will hurt them more? Continually hoping they will see him, or knowing that he doesn't wish to make the effort?

I assume that this letter came directly from him and not from an attorney. Hold onto it, it really shows his character (or lack thereof).
God bless you and your family. Keep positive role models in their lives.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Annavon:
<strong> Until now, I have explained that he has to arrange for supervised counseling and we will go meet him at that time. Now I wonder if I should tell them the truth.....that he won't do it. Which will hurt them more? Continually hoping they will see him, or knowing that he doesn't wish to make the effort?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm really struggling with this one......

A,

I have seen my family destroyed last year by the effects of child abuse. My W even now is suffering from what was done to her by *friends* of her father and mother.

Do everything you can to stop him seeing them. It just isn't worth the risk it really isn't. Don't worry about hurting them with him not making the effort. They will bounce back. Far better that than to have abuse problems.

Take care, Neil.

Neil,
I certainly agree with you that this is preferable to dealing with physical abuse. BUT, this is stilly psychological abuse on his part... and all I can do is minimize the impact. The children ask every day when they will see him. They don't think of him as an evil monster, when ever since I left him he actually paid attention to them! In one summer they went to three theme parks, he spent thousands of dollars on them and gave them anything they wanted!!! Ok, us adults know that wasn't going to last.....but the kids don't. How do I handle the fact that I doubt they will ever see him again, because he won't do what the judge asked in order to see them? At some point it's going to sink in that DADDY DOESN"T LOVE ME. I don't want them to see me as having lied to them too.

Well, on the same road here. Think the stay away order is why stbx won't even call the one daughter he can talk to. He also can't have any visitation until he sets up a counselors visit and he won't do that. My daughters are just glad he is out of the picture, but it bothers me that he is such an [censored]. It's not easy, and all you can do is be there for the kids.

Lori

Annavon, You said the kids are in court ordered counseling. Have you talked to the counselor about this? I dealt with something similar - H left and then flaunted his "love" for OW's 5yo D in front of the kids (who happen to be his teenaged niece and nephew for whom we had custody). They were terribly hurt, especially niece, who'd been very close to him (even tho' I believe much of his behavior was inappropriate with her).

Because I was such a basket case after he left, they got mad at me for abandoning them emotionally, but they never blamed me for his behavior, his complete abandonment. I think your kids are smarter than you think. Be yourself with them. They'll figure it out. His behavior will hurt them no matter what you tell them, but if you are there for them, they'll get through it.

Annavon,

The simple truth in dealing with your children is always to tell them the truth. I have to do so with mine despite any hurt it may cause.

Now that doesn't mean I run down my W, not at all. But I dont allow them to talk about things that are untrue and I do correct them. They therefore know that if they ask me something they are going to get the truth. I feel that is far more important at this time than trying to protect them from things I think might hurt them.

In practice I have found it not to be much of an issue. However if I compare and contrast how ill one of them has been when lied to I can see that the better approach is the truth.

You are their safety and security so therefore you need to keep that going. I would suggest that when they ask you do say "no I dont expect daddy to see you" and let them acknowledge that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Neil.