I got myself some IC...went to the first session today. I had someone before, but she was not all that great a help.

The new guy is good, very insightful, very easy to talk to and I like him. He is examining my past to determine how I got to this point. And this afternoon, I was feeling okay with that.

But now, I am very depressed. I feel like he opened a few cans of worms. Stuff I really thought I had dealt with years ago, he says perhaps I didn't, and that has been getting in my way of making good judgements along the way.

It isn't his insight that is the problem, it is the memories that have been churned up again, about my childhood, adolescence and marriage, too. I feel like such a failure, when I thought I was doing well. He DID say I had done a great job getting through all my issues, but it still makes me feel so sad.

Is this a normal part of the process? Am I going to feel like this after every session? Cos if I am I don't want it....I was doing fine, or so I thought, before this!

Love and light,

Jacky

Therapy is a two edged sword, it is very helpful in gaining understanding and knowledge but it can come at a price namely the feelings that you have.

The key is to stick with it, accept that you are not 100% perfect and in turn deal with the things highlighted.

You will find in time that these feelings of despair and depression about the discussions go away and are replaced perhaps by understanding of what has occurred and how to be stronger because of it.

Therapy should not be a pat you on the shoulder and say you're ok session. It should be about you growing and all growing can at times be painful.

You have done the right thing in moving to someone else as you did not feel the first IC was much help. That is good.

Keep at it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Neil.

Lovely Miss Nina too,

I agree with Porsche911/Neil that you should stick with it. I know EXACTLY how you feel, though. When I first went to therapy for my childhood abuse (I was beatten up and sexually abused), I remember VERY OFTEN thinking, "I thought therapy was supposed to make me feel better and I feel WORSE!!!" In reality, stuff that I thought I had "dealt with" I had actually thought about and categorized, but I hadn't really brought it up and shown it to the light of day--I had kind of evaluated it and put it away in a box and then put the box into storage!

It was my experience that going to therapy was like opening a can of worms inside myself. I envisioned a container FULL of black, icky, yucky, gross tar, and the container was full to the top and the tar was overflowing. It was the overflow that made me start to go to therapy in the first place. Then, when I got there, my therapist wanted me to OPEN THE CONTAINER (how scary) *AND* let the tar come out to the light of day. My mind and feelings just rebelled and screamed NO!! I spent a lot of time getting that tar in there! I thought I was supposed to feel better and I feel sick and hurt and gross! This isn't right!

But you know what that was? That was my way of protecting myself. I had been so hurt as a kid (both emotionally and physically) and I had been unable to deal with it maturely, so I put it (the tar) in the container. I turned off a lot of my feelings and went numb because it was too painful to feel. Problem was, the container didn't really go away and neither did the tar. It took a while, and it was REALLY scary to go there, but gradually I did let the tar come out and come to the surface, and guess what happened?? I DID start to feel better because that container was not full of tar anymore. It wasn't overflowing like it had been. Eventually one day, my therapist said, "If any tar is added, you know how to deal with it now by yourself and bring it to the light of day. Just deal with each tar as it comes up."

Miss Nina, I know it feels just AWFUL--a little like you want to be sick and a little like you just want to RUN! But have some faith in your therapist, and look at the "big picture" and not the "here and now." RIGHT NOW (and for a little while), you may feel stirred up, a little nauseous, afraid, hurt and icky--but it will help you, as a person to feel better for the rest of your life! It's like childbirth...it hurts A LOT right now, but after getting through the pain, there is a person to love for a lifetime.

Hugs to you--write if you need to!!

CJ

I've had lots of therapy sessions. Lots. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Just lots to deal with - but who doesn't?

I've cried my way through lots of sessions. Done lots of work at home between sessions. Spent lots of time bending the ears of my various therapy buddies.

Counseling doen't always leave you happy because you're there to deal with yucky stuff. But it's worth it. If you have a good counselor.

Well, I had lots of personal therapy. . .. meaning i read everything i could, and then questioned everything i could, until the pieces of the puzzle started to fit together. . .

once all the pieces of the puzzle fit together about me. . . then i was satisfied that the way my life turned out was not quite the way i wanted it, but that i did the best i could under the circumstances, and i understand why i am the way i am. . . and why i don't fit in alot of places, but that's ok. . . i don't have to and don't always want to. . .

so use therapy to understand, not to fix, because you can't fix the past. . only learn from it and grow from it, and accept it.. . . and even if you had the worst past, if you strive for the best you can after doing your own work, and you take responsibility for everything you do, you will be better than 1/2 the population. . ..

wiftty

Jacky,

I thought I'd chime in too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've also been to my share of counselors..some were helpful, some were not..those that were helped all they could at that point and time..

I too, thought I'd dealt with "ALL MY ISSUES" because I had to been to a counselor, talked about what happened in my past (was also sexually abused)but in reality, all I had done was admit I was abused..I never really felt like it was ME who went through the abuse..yes, I acknowledged the abuse..it didn't sink in that it was ME and not someone else that it happened too--it was 'me' --but it wasn't "ME", if that makes any since..it's like I had seperated into different places in my life..my experiences as a child..
weren't really "MY" experiences as an adult..so it wasn't "ME" that was abused..it was someone else..I had to come to terms that it was ME!! And not someone else..

I like CJ, had compartmentalized my emotions..to
where I didn't 'feel' anything..I was numb..inside

I think my true healing began when I was able to cry for the loss of my childhood, my innocence and face the hurt I had inside..only mine wasn't 'tar' mine was more like an infected wound with puss oozing out..and as I talked to the counselor's it was like I was going through surgery to get the infection out..one hurt at a time..and when it got to close to a deep part of the infection..I screamed.."I don't want to do this anymore" --- My former pastor told me once for some deep hurts like I experienced it takes a good 18 months of counseling before YOU really begin to heal..and then the really hard part begins..because You have to relearn everything you thought to be true..about yourself, about others, about life in general..

Example...My dad always made me feel worthless, so I grew up believing that about myself..and going through counseling..she kept saying I wasn't
worthless..well...if I am not worthless then what am I? well, Your worthy of being loved and cherished? BUT, How do YOU know that?? I mean
where do you get that information?? You don't me
other than 1 day a week for an hour...so how can you say that..if the man who fathered me..and lived with me for years says otherwise?? well, God say's THIS..."you are fearfully and wonderfully made" "I died for you" "I Love you"

So for me it was a matter of learning what I had always believed was a lie..and I had to learn the truth..

And something that really helped me during my healing and even more so healing during the divorce was Isaiah 54..I believed I would always be single..and at first..I just accepted it..
but through reading Isaiah 54 (many times over)
I became content with the thought of being Single
because I knew..even if I am to remain single..
God is with me..

It says in Is. 54 4-7

"Fear not; For thou shalt not be ashamed: Neither be thou confounded; For thou shalt not be put to shame: For thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shall not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.

For Thy Maker Is Thine Husband; The Lord of Hosts IS HIS NAME; And Thy Redeemer The Holy One of Isreal; The God of the Whole EARTH shall He be called.

For the Lord of hath called Thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.

For a small moment have I forsaken Thee; but with
GREAT MERCIES WILL I GATHER THEE.

I no longer carry the shame of my youth..of feeling like the OW in my parents marriage..I no longer carry the burden of that..I placed the burden on the person it belongs to..MY DAD!! It's his load to carry..just as there are things from my past..that I carry the burden of..because they were MY choices..but the choices of others..I am not responsible to carry, so I don't..

So don't give up on the counseling just because it's painful to face the truth..facing the truth
and working through those things..will set you free from the hurt and pain of them...