I've had a very quiet day at home by myself, thinking, spent alot of time on this site actually. I've read old posts and printed some out to make a "journal" of sorts to look back on, hopefully some time down the road when I am in a better place. Right now, the companionship of others in similiar situations has been a great source of comfort to me. My youngest is spending the evening with her Dad. On their way out to the mall, he stopped by to drop off paperwork he had mentioned earlier in the week. It is his good faith offer of equitable distribution of our assets. I took it quietly and glanced through and then set it aside; it really isn't all that bad.
What I guess is getting to me tonight in this very quiet house is the reduction of our life together to a few pages of fair market value of our possessions - a series of dollars and cents.
It is so sad and is just breaking my heart.
What I wouldn't give - everything listed on that spreadsheet and so much more - to see a look of love in my husband's eyes again. I close my eyes and travel back in time and there is so much love there....what happened to bring it to this? I know in my heart that God is at work in my life, but I am having such a hard time right now. We used to have such dreams and we used to laugh so much. He could always make me laugh.
I guess it will just be a long evening as I come to terms with yet another step in the process.
I appreciate the prayers of the Restoration group today...some days prayer is the only thing to hold on to.
Thanks for letting me vent my feelings.

broke,

I am here for right now for you!!

It is sad when all that we hold dear is broken down on paper doesn't seem like much there!!! And then I got to wonder what is it I want back? Why I am I having such a hard time with this, it's black in white.

Know that you are not alone in your thoughts!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hear you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Broken}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I too am alone and lonely tonite. Divorce recovery group last nite and Al-anon tomorrow nite but tonite, Im all alone and I have so much work to do, but cant seem to get to it.

H called and left message on my cell phone today. Said he is sorry for what happened and he loves me as a friend.

It just upset me so much as I know he cant/doesnt love anyone, not even himself. The only thing he does love is drugs and alcohol. I just wish he would drop off the face of the earth. I feel I cant tolerate him on any level.

Got notice in the mail yesterday of our tax appt. I guess Ill have to suffer through that in same room with him on Feb 1st.

Brokenx3 - I really can relate to your feelings -I just want you to know that you can bang your head against the wall trying to find the reason why - what did you do? what happened? when did it happened? - I have been doing this since October 2001 and he supposedly had started his affair in May 2001 - and you know what I am not sure we will ever find the answers we so desperately seek... It seems that our wayward spouses rewrite our history to justify in their minds what they did and or continue to do. I think that us being the one in the dark and being so blindsided by all of this makes it so much harder. I mean I know in my case I wanted to take my husband back - I was willing to forgive but he (though he denies)couldn't face what he did and I truly believe that is alot of the problem...And with time I have come to handle this better - I mean like I said I am happy and I will survive - but I still have those moments (and now they are moments before they used to be days) - when I just want to shake him and say why are you doing this to us... But I have also come to understand and believe me it has taken me a long time - that I didn't do this - It isn't about me - It is about something that happened to him.... We as mothers I believe hold everything together and we are willing to do anything to make our family happy and tend to forget that we are people to. I am thinking that most of my problem with all of this - is that I don't know who I am - I have been a couple for so long... Everyone was always before me. But now I am working on myself - I am going to be happy - I cannot worry about him anymore... So I just want you to know - that you will never forget the love and family that you share - though it seems very sad the way they have just thrown it away for no good reason.. But you deserve to be happy - You deserve to have someone love you - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Remember on nights like this when you are sad - soon it will be better.... Stay strong...

Thanks Daybreak and Sunrise. It's good to not feel so alone.
I don't want to have a pity party for myself, just need to come to terms. I will. I too, have tons of work to do, packing of stuff to do, just can't seem to do it. The motivation is just not there. Not now. But it will be.
I'm an optimist at heart, sometimes foolishly. Think I'll go listen to some music for a while and then see if I can't start to get back on track a bit. Thanks you two!! Hugs to you both.
To bad we can't all get together in one room and have a girl's night out. It would be fun.

Thanks to you too maw64. Good words and I know how well we relate to each other's situation. It is hard to detach as a "couple", for so many years we have been "his wife".
Sometimes reality smacks so hard, you have to pick yourself up off the floor. I'm just struggling tonight with memories and the "whys". But I'm not one to stay on the floor - to damn cold!!!
Still wish we could all do the girl's night out thing...what stories we could all share!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

(((((((((patti)))))))

I just got back from alanon (my sanity!)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I wouldn't give - everything listed on that spreadsheet and so much more - to see a look of love in my husband's eyes again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the hard part, letting someone go that we held dear to our hearts. It doesn't mean we don't stop loving them, we just have to remove them from our hearts.

It is amazing how far maw64 has come since she has posted on this boards! Accpetance has been good, yet it doesn't mean we like or agree with what happened.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I mean like I said I am happy and I will survive - but I still have those moments (and now they are moments before they used to be days) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats a big barometer - mine used to last for days (weeks, months <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) and now they are moments. Wow, would you have believed that in the beginning?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I have also come to understand and believe me it has taken me a long time - that I didn't do this - It isn't about me - It is about something that happened to him... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Acceptance. I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (EVERYONE ELSE)
The courage to change the things I can (ME) and the WISDOM to know the difference.
(Wisdom was the topic at the alanon meeting tonight.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So I just want you to know - that you will never forget the love and family that you share - though it seems very sad the way they have just thrown it away for no good reason.. But you deserve to be happy - You deserve to have someone love you - Remember on nights like this when you are sad - soon it will be better.... Stay strong...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was said so wonderfully.

We are so blessed to have each other on these boards. There are days when I just kind of hang out throughout the day or evening. It just feels good to be "near" others who understand and can just give cyber hugs and we feel better.

some days prayer is the only thing to hold on to. Amen

God Bless,
D.

Brokenx3 - I was just checking in to see how you are feeling today...??? Willgetthroughthis is right I said Days - in all actuality I was a complete mess - hysterical at every point from October 2001 until May 2002 when I got some medication - then I went to days - now like I said I am on to moments.... And today I am realizing that I am no longer Mrs. I am now officially a Ms. and that is ok - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Really it is and if you had asked me in the beginning how I would feel today I would have never thought that I would be this accepting....of my situation.... My sister tells me that my husband had become like a bad habit ... and it will take me awhile to get over him... I like to view him as a good person who did a really bad thing to me - he has to live with it not me.. I am now going to work on forgiving him - see I never really thought that I have reached anger - but I guess that I have been angry all along - I just was afraid of what would happen if I was mad at him - would he hate me etc... _ I will say he has thrown my mind into a tailspin for the last year - My friend Chris (Lost in Space) used to say we were going to take all of those people who said we would be stronger because of this and beat them up... But you know I think I am going to be stronger because of this... If you ever get down and need someone to chat with you can email me at anytime - I am pretty good at my emails - mimiw64@yahoo.com - I have some really good friends through these boards who have really been there for me for the past year... So feel free anytime... Mimi

Thanks Maw...I really do appreciate your checking in on me. I feel better today, having got a fairly good night's sleep although this morning was one of those mornings when I woke up and the first thought in my head was, "It's still the same - my marriage is over"...and I pulled the covers over my head!! That pity party only lasted about 15 minutes though. I had glanced at the paperwork last night and had some questions on it, so I called my H and asked for additional info on stuff not listed, questions on the value of some items and he was gruff and defensive....guess he thought I'd just accept what he had proposed with delight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> !!
I was pleasant but firm. I told him it was hard for me to see our entire lives reduced to decimal points and dollar signs, but I could and would handle it. He said that financially it would have been better to stay married, but emotionally not for him....when I asked him could he not consider counseling, his reply was something to the effect that 10 years ago I wasn't there for him when he needed me and ever since then it's been downhill. No counseling. Of course 10 years ago was when he first got involved with someone else. So he's still trying to blame me...guess it's the truth for all of them. I think of the years in between that were really good and happy and think, boy he put on quite a show then!! Fooled me completely. He's justified everything in his mind and he won't budge. So I am protecting myself and starting to let go much more. I know very well it wasn't me and the OW is still in the picture big time - this is just a front. That in itself toughens my resolve.
So thanks for the support when I needed it. It felt good to cry over yesterday, but it's feeling much better to start the process of looking to the future, however scary and unknown that is!
You all are GREAT!

Brokenx3- I am glad that you are doing better - it really is funny the way they rewrite everything - I mean my husband also told me stuff like 10 years ago you know what happened - you knew how I felt - let me tell you - I know that nothing ever happened - it is just his mind trying to justify everything to make himself capable of getting through the day - obviously my ex is totally screwing - And you know I know those pity parties all to well - unfortunately but now I am going to stop all of that and move on and be happy... OK now I must clean my house -I will check in later... Stay focused on you - not him - mimi

broken-

how are you? You have been in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless,

D.

Hi WGTT - Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. I have to tell you, prayers have just been the greatest gift to and for me. I feel so surrounded by love and peace and today, as I was at work, I actually felt joy. Just plain joy at being at work, at doing my little job well, at having people smile and treat me nicely. To have a conversation with someone who will actually look me in the eyes. To be able if only for short amounts of time to stop thinking and worrying about what is happening in my life. That's not me, that's God carrying me through. I feel it. So thanks for the prayers. I'm going to sit down with the paperwork this weekend and go through it and then take it to my attorney with my input. My oldest daughter, who is one awesome individual, said Mom you ask for what ever you want, if you don't agree you put your foot down and DO NOT let him think he is in control. These are your things and this is your life and you deserve this and alot more.
Okay!! Can do that!! If he starts to whine; "boohoo" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Thanks again all!

broken

Glad to see today is better!!!!

Sometimes we need those pity parties, they just can't last forever!!!!

I got all the revisioned, re written history I care to have on my marriage from xH. It's sad that he has to put things that way to feel ok about what he chose to do.

I got an interesting card from his parents for Christmas, last week (she was always late) "God loves you all very much, Why things happen we don't know." She goes on to say that you will always be part of my family and will always love you. Made me feel good.

xH did not call his family to tell them that he married on the 9th of Dec, e mailed the siblings and hoped that one of them would tell his parents. How sad is that. That is what type of life he has now, SAD!!!

Not me, I am having a ball!!! And a big part of that is I stood my ground and got what I wanted for myself and my kids in the divorce. I had maintence the entire time we were seperated. I got alimony with a 3% cost of living allowance yearly!!! Plus I got child support and he is paying my lawyer fees, over $2000 as his lawyer kept screwing up!!!! I got all of the household items plus half of his retirement for life. And I will be suing her for allienation of affection. Want him to pay my lawyer off first though!!!!! Is he happy with his new wife, her sister and baby, No I don't think so, will he admit it though? No, but I know.

Just wanted you to know stay and stand your ground for what it is you want!!!! I had written down what I wanted and what I would budge on and what I wouldn't budge on!!! Didn't budge but once!!!

Stay strong and continue praying!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Daybreak - Good to hear from you, thanks for the prayers and support.
Had an interesting day at work today. The OW and her husband were in the store (very large dept store) shopping. Mind you now, they are still together as she told my WH she is "working" on her marriage....what bull****. (Pardon me) Or at least that's what he told me when he moved out. Of course, he wasn't moving out to be with her, he supposedly has been alone all this time and she is just one of his good friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway, I had not talked to her husband in a good six months, since all of this came into the light of day, although many times I wanted to. We had done things together as couples socially the whole time the affair was going on, and neither he nor I knew anything about it, but he is a really nice guy who adores her and I knew he must have been in as much pain as I was. But what do you say? How are you, your wife is a w*****,....I just didn't know quite how to handle it. But I walked up to him in the store (she was nowhere in sight) and gave him a big hug and asked him how they were doing. He said not very well. I told him I wasn't surprised and we should get together and talk. He was very agreeable and said to call him on his business phone. I'm just not sure he knows quite the depth of their relationship, or that he is up on all the info on affairs. He's a pretty quiet guy, not real computer savvy. But I think he deserves to know at least as much as I do. And that I believe they are playing a game until our D is final, then she will file for straight irreconcilable differences, and he can't claim adultry....these two are being oh so clever. So they think.

I was interested to hear you were suing for alienation of affection, I didn't know you could still do that. I wanted to and my attorney said no, I couldn't. I'd love to sue her butt off!
$$ is so important to the two of them (my H and her) and that is why I'd love to see them fret over that a bit....wonder if he'd still look so great broke?? Like when I fell in love with him and married him...

Anyway, very interesting day..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

broken, There are only 2 states that still allow alienation of affection suits. I checked into it and my state isnt either, so Im sure your attorney is probably right.

Are you sure A is still going on??? make sure you have proof before you say anything to her H. He can still file adultery even if she files Irr. Diff. He can just counter sue and you could be a witness. He needs some kind of proof, not just hearsay.

My H and GF are playing the same game, but they dont know how much proof I have that is acceptable in court. Also her H said he would testify for me.

Its more expensive, but I can get out of this immediately (or much sooner) anyway than Irr. Diff I need to be financially disentangled now before he wipes out our finances any more.

He didnt put his night job paycheck in bank last month ($1000 at least) and I believe he spent most of that on her, but no proof. I just know he didnt spend it on the kids. He also went away for thanksgiving weekend with her ($$$$?????) and Im pretty sure he is planning a trip with her to Mardi Gras ($$$$$) where else would 2 alcoholics go???The perfect alcoholic romantic get away!!!

wow, that's too bad for you,

listen to this....my state DOES allow alienation of affection suits...OHIO....and guess what? i have had them followed and i know who she is and where she lives and works.

Guess who shouldn't answer the door now?

stupid

D-DAY #3 and COUNTING