Hi everyone. I am new here. I was wondering if anyone could help me in this divorce situation.

My husband and I separated last May. After six months (up until May) of trying to get him to work on our marriage he decided he wanted a divorce. During this time, things only got worse. He worked extra long hours, completely ignored me, wouldn't talk to me, look at me, etc. I prayed continuously throughout the day and tried to get him to pray along with me but he refused. I put my marriage in God's hands and tried to follow His word. Eventually, it led me out the door. My husband had been asking me to leave for months. I asked God that if staying was HIs will then I would but the time came when I knew it was time to go. Turns out (no surprise) that my husband was having an ongoing affair. He now lives in another state with her. Legally we are still married. Unfortunately, the car I drive is in his name. He is demanding back payment because I couldn't afford to pay him last month. He is threatening to take the car. I told him I would pay soon but that last month I could barely afford to eat let alone pay my bills. He is living in a 2 income household and makes $30K more than me .. left me with nothing .. but still feels I owe HIM something. He tries to tell me that if we went to court they would make me pay 50/50 of his bills however, is that true in an adultry case? One added note..my parents loaned us $$$ that we haven't paid back (for his cards, business trips, etc.). My Mother told him to take my carpayment out of that but he doesn't feel that's his responsibility. He says he has OUR other bills to pay for...(now I'm paying for a whole new set of bills on my own) He acts like a victim! Sometimes I think he lives in a world all his own. I guess my question is .. has anyone been in this situation? Is it easier to just do a no-fault divorce and forget about it? I want justice.. I did forget about until today when he started threatening me. What would you do?

<small>[ January 16, 2003, 01:26 AM: Message edited by: Jersey ]</small>

Do you live in new jersey??? Go see a lawyer immediately. There is legal aid for free and in addition there is a organization "People in Transition" That will offer you all kinds of help, programs that are run by psychologist to help you with emotional support etc all for free.

Gotta go to work but Ill get back later.

How long have you been married?

Each state's divorce laws are different. You will have to contact a lawyer in your state to find out what the laws are. You should also find out what the laws are in your H's state - if he files in that state then those laws will apply. (And if he's a resident of that state then he can file there.) It would behoove you to compare the 2 states' laws. Depending upon which one has the most favorable for you, then that would determine who should file.

My state has no-fault divorce laws. I could charge adultery as reason for the divorce but I (supposedly) couldn't use it in the property settlement. No-fault means 50/50 as the starting point, although extenuating circumstances (such as WH's spending money on his mistress and not supporting his W) may cause the courts to give more to the BW.

In my case, I asked knowledgeable friends for recommendations on the most vicious, ba!!-breaking lawyer in town. And then I played on my WH's guilt. I wound up with everything except a small cash payment on the house equity. WH is responsible for ALL his own bills, especially those he incurred after starting his A.

The only problem is that the best lawyers are going to be expensive. I was willing to spend whatever it took to get the best. I wanted (and still want) vengeance and retribution. And I got it and am quite satisfied.

Do I think you should go for punishment, instead of taking the easy road of "no-fault"? Yes, I do. Because it's not just vengeance, it's doing the right thing. Adultery should be condemned, it should be punished. Otherwise we're tacitly condoning such behavior & encouraging it in others. A small blow for a moral society. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for writing back! Well, I realize that the name Jersey was misleading so I'll tell you that I live in Texas. : ) He lives in MN. He told me he was going to wait until April so that gives me time to do what I need to do (if I file myself). He always tries to play on my insecurities and when that fails (like this morning) : )he backs off (temporarily) and comes back at me later. For some strange reason .. he actually thinks that somehow he can make me feel responsible for this. HA! I've done research online but for the real beneficial advice I guess I have to actually call a lawyer. I need to. Problem is that if I can't afford to pay for my car I don't know how I'm going to pay for the lawyer. I'll find a way. I don't want him to get away with what he's done. All this time I've just let it go because I knew that someday he would be punished for his actions and that fighting back isn't what God would have wanted me to do. (to stoop to his level of wicked-ness I mean) I tried to take the higher road. BUT .. reality is that if I don't stand up and take what is mine now then he could go to court himself and make me be responsible for even more than the car. Ohhhhhh if there is a time for me to pray..I suppose now is as good of time as any!!! : )

Hi Jersey - Was sorry to read of your situation this morning. I know what you meant when you said H wouldn't talk, wouldn't look at you...my guess is he spent alot of time watching TV too. I couldn't figure out exactly what was going on, contributed it to excessive pressure at work,(his job was going away) and I tried to give space, be understanding...All the things I'm sure you did too. Your husband's anger toward you is of course unwarrented, but mine did and still does the same thing. It's irrational and scary, but please hold your ground. You don't deserve this. It's like they turn their anger at themselves toward you...and it's very common.
How long have you been married? Any children?
I would seek out an attorney ASAP - quite a few of them will do an initial consultation for free. If you can find more than one that will do that for you, "shop" around, literally, until you find one that you feel comfortable with and trust. They may be able to work out a repayment schedule with you based on the facts of your case. I have found mine to be very supportive and realistic. Also check out your yellow pages and see that many of the attorneys have websites for more info. That helped me tremendously!

Gather all the paperwork up you can and make multiple copies ....if it looks like it could make a difference, make a copy!! One for you, one for your attorney's file. I had a small file case full of paperwork to give my attorney and he was impressed with my preparation...but hey, that's the way I was venting my anger!! Gathering all that stuff took time, energy and thought. It will also save you money!! Also, any hard evidence of the affair (emails, etc).

In reading back over this, I was struck that it looks "cold" and "calculating". Please understand that is not who I am. I loved and still love my H dearly, in spite of what he has done. I came to this site for advice and support from others in hopes of healing my marriage. I still pray for that miracle, if it is in God's plan. But you cannot be a doormat and you must protect yourself. Please continue to post. I will be thinking of you and I hope this has helped somewhat.

Broken..no I don't think you are "cold" or "calculating" at all! I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. It sounds as though you handled things in the best way you could. You had more invested into your marriage than I did. We weren't married but 2 years. Even after that though I thought my life was ending! I couldn't figure out why even though I prayed and asked God to repair our marriage why it was getting worse instead of better. I was so amazed at the outcome. Since this happened my faith and relationship with the Lord grew tremendously and I finally knew what it meant to have Jesus in my heart. It's funny...I wouldn't have even found Him if it weren't for my husband ... for he who taught me the ways of the Lord seems to have lost his way! : ) So for that I guess I thank my husband but that's where I definitely draw the line! : ) Thank you so much for your advise. I will look into finding a lawyer right away. You guys are wonderful! I will keep you in my prayers! : ) Take care!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SH94:
<strong>In my case, I asked knowledgeable friends for recommendations on the most vicious, ba!!-breaking lawyer in town.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A word of warning seems appropriate here. My (ex-)wife's lawyer fit this description. He did my wife a terrible disservice, racking up enormous legal fees as he promised her a moon he was unable to deliver. (You can't squeeze blood from a turnip.)

You want someone who will be honest with you, and who won't back down. You want someone who is not merely aggressive, but who is respected.

Dear Jersey -

GnomeDePlume is absolutely correct about finding a lawyer who will give you the straight scoop & not try to promise you the moon. I too have heard the horror stories. So make sure you check around & get several trusted persons' recommendations.

So you're in Texas, eh? That's a community property state - means all property acquired after M is split 50/50, as are all debts. (I know all about that - I've had 2 Dv's in Texas! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Luckily this last Dv was in Oklahoma, which is no-fault & thus more lenient in relaxing that 50/50 rule.) Don't know how his abandoning you will affect that division of property, or any debts he's racked up since deserting.

Again I urge you to consult with an attorney immediately & find out exactly what the laws are. And absolutely be cold & calculating. You have to be. No one else is going to look after you. Certainly not your WH! And even though your lawyer will be working in your interest, don't expect him to do all the work. You will need to think for yourself & help him help you. Several times I suggested to my lawyer plans of action that would better serve me or protect me.

Although I loved (and still love) my stbXH tremendously, I never forgot that he was capable of anything in his current state. I immediately started protecting myself by moving my money to an account in my name only, taking him off my credit cards, researching bank accounts & his credit card activities (to be used in court), making copies of financial records, etc, etc.

Luckily my lawyer was honest & good & truly disgusted by what my WH had done to me, as well as being a vicious tiger in the legal arena. He worked hard for me and gave me great advice (although as I said, you have to be responsible for yourself too & not sit back passively). Go in for that first consultation - usually a free one - and see if you and the lawyer "click". I also brought a trusted friend with me to help me, as I knew I was emotionally unsteady & might be swayed by kindly words. Between the 2 of us, we decided this guy was worth his weight in gold. (NOTE: Word of warning - if you bring a friend, client-attorney privilege goes out the window, which my lawyer was good about advising me before we ever talked.)

Probably more than you ever wanted to know about the process, I'm sure! Or about my situation!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Sorry for going on, but I do hope you will be proactive & stand up for your rights.

P.S. By the way, where in Texas, if I may ask?

Hi Jersey,

MN is a no-fault state. My understanding is that it would be 50/50. Do you have children?

Did you work during the M? How long were you M? I cannot say for sure, but I don't think alimony is paid out much in MN courts.

The car, is it in his name or both your names?

SH94 -- you feel free to talk all you want! : ) Yes, the 50/50 thing is true. With the way my H is so manipulative I don't know what he would come up with in court. To be honest, I don't think I can really fight this because .. 1. I don't have actual proof of adultry (just the obvious and his word). 2. we already agreed that he would take over the bills so I'm afraid that if I take him to court then I might have to pay the 50/50. 3. I didn't work as much as he did because after I quit my job to transfer with him I couldn't find another good job so I eventually started working with him..doing a great job I might add : )..but he fired me because I asked him a question (like most new employees do) and he got mad and immediately called his boss and told him I wouldn't be back. Knew it was strange then but obviously I know why he wanted me gone now (OW)! .. then 9/11 happened and there were hiring freezes until the first of the year (it was July when we moved). Anyway..he tries to blame that on me. Day after day he would find some reason to blame me for not helping pay the bills when .. HELLO .. I had a job with him..if he were so worried he shouldn't have made me lose it. Also, I did get another job but he kept getting sick (diabetic) .. and on one (of many)occassions I had to drive 3 hours to pick him up from a business trip and miss work...eventually lost that job...somehow that was my fault as well!
Sorry..that was long I know! Since I moved back home I picked up the same job again and have had it since! (like I would have had if I didn't have to move in the first place!)

I can file no-fault in Texas and just get it over with. We don't have children, we don't have property to separate, we did all of that in May. The car is the only thing. He wants to just put the car in my name and move on. Personally, I would rather just get my own car, drop that one off at the bank, and screw him that way. : )

Also, I figure that no sin goes unpunished..he'll get his own one day without my help!!

Even though I know justice needs to be served .. I worked hard to get where I am now emotionally and I just don't know if I really want to drag this out. I think I would prefer to just get it over with.

Here is my plan..file quickly..finalize the divorce in 61 days...drop the car off at the bank and let them deal with it..and move on. He will be stuck with the payments for 2 more years while I move on to something better! : )

I know you guys will probably tell me to not wimp out and to fight but without evidence of adultry I don't really have a case. I moved out of the house so that will probably look like I left him even though we know better. He set it up so nicely.

Anyway, I'm rambling on so much I don't even know what i'm saying at this point. Guess that means it is time to go to bed! Good night!

Jersey,

I live in Houston. CONSULT AN ATTORNEY! He is munipulating you. I went through a divorce and I know you have more rights than you think you do.

If you aren't working or making very little money, in Texas, you can get a free lawyer through legal aid. Do not be bullied by him. Call Legal Aid in the White Pages.

Does he have any retirement plans? You are entitled to half this. Because he had an affair, and you don't need as much proof as you think you do, and because you don't make much money, a good attorney can get you alimony.

He isn't going to want you to pay half the bills more than likely because if you don't pay them on time then it'll mess his credit up, even if the courts split them 50/50, which I think an attorney will tell you they won't.

A friend of mine in Texas got alimony, her ex got the bills, and she got alot more than the did, and he didn't have an affair.

An attorney could possibly get a court order making him pay these bills until the court date is settled as well.

Also, he may be establishing residence in this new state. IF he is, then that could be very bad, he could file there and the tables could be turned to his advantage.

Take care and good luck,

ANNA

One more quick note...

I really do like your idea of getting your own car and then dropping his car off at the bank..LOL!

Has he filed? If he hasn't, like I said, that would be my biggest concern. I'd be sure to file so it will all be done in Texas.

Take care,

ANNA

Hi Anna, well I do make good money (except in certain months ..around the holidays) I'm an independent contractor in my field but the holidays my income is usually cut in half. I took on a second small part time job but that didn't help me in paying for the car. BUT he still makes about $20-30K more than me..not to mention the 2nd income he has coming into his household. As far as Alimony...that only applies if you have been married for 10+ years .. not fair! : ) As far has his retirement plan .. yes that is good! I searched online for attorneys in Texas and I did find one here where I live but the problem is that they charge so much. Even for an uncontested/no fault divorce they charge an arm and a leg!! : ) All ranging from $200-thousands of dollars! I'm thinking quick would be much easier on me. I can still stick him with the car so that is a little punishment! : ) I've been without him for 8 months already..I just want him out of my life (like he has been for the past 8 months) ...for good .. and the sooner the better!

By the way...did I mention to you guys that the OW is also married??? She has a son that I believe she left behind.

Hi Jersey,

I checked with my county courthouse, he can file for divorce after residing her for 180 days.

Since you left, it is possible that they will claim abandonment. Sometimes MN will give alimony. I don't know of anyone who has received it. MN does make sure that he will have enough to live on. If you think you can get a better deal in TX, I would file.

Hi Sue! I wanted to make sure I did clarify this..we never lived in MN together. We lived in a different area of Texas. He moved to MN at the end of last year. It would be easier for me to do it here. I've lived in my county for over the 90 day period so I am able to file now. I will probably file as soon as possible just to make sure that he doesn't try anything funny! I don't trust him to file. While I would possibly file myself..he definitely will get a lawyer so I don't want to be around for that (he could lie and say I abandoned him)! I have the cd to print out the forms, take them to the courthouse and file. I'm going to do that ASAP...before he has a chance to do anything. Thanks for checking on that and letting me know. I appreciate it. Have a wonderful day! : )

Hi Jersey,

I understand you. He now resides in MN, so he can file after he has been in MN for 180 days.

As for the car, if you don't want it, and it is in his name, the financing is in his name, it is his problem. If I was in your shoes, I would find a car that I want for myself, and tell him to come and get his car or drop it off at the bank like you said

Jersey, you sound like you are doing well. I'm glad to hear you are taking action to protect yourself. Sticking him with the car that means so much to him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> is great!
Take care, keep posting. We're here for you and the other posts are filled with good advice! These are wonderful people!

Thank you everyone for your wonderful advice and sharing your stories! You have helped me a great deal. Even though I decided to take the easy way out I guess, it has helped me to know of your experiences and court outcomes just in case it does lead there (then I know there is hope). Since he can't file himself for a while (very excited to receive that info!) (yahoo!) : ) then I feel better knowing he still has to wait at least 3 more months. .. Will be easier to file here without worrying about him filing there. Anyway, thank you and yes, I will stick around. I wish all of you the best and God Bless!

Good luck to you.

Jersey,
My husband had an affair with a married woman also. She left her 2.5 year old child to where she only sees him every other weekend. They have blinders on to the rest of the world when they get so deep in the pit of sin. Now she is pregnant with my husband's child. It is just awful, but I know that God works all things for good, and He will bless you through this for being faithful. My divorce was finalized about 2 weeks ago. I love my husband even through all of this pain, but I have to let him go, so I can move on with my life, and not continue to worry so much. I hope you are doing ok - best wishes.