I'll try to make this as long as possible. We are 7 yrs married. My wife despises any mention of my mom. I can hit the most relevant topic which caused this...Wife was formerly in a inter-racial marriage of 2 years. We are white. Boy was unexpected by her ex-H. They split. I assumed father role, and we have a 6 yo girl together as well. Great kids and we are fine. One christmas 5 years ago, my mother asked wife to please not send x-mas pics to her relatives "for fear of reprisals" due to boy's deep jamaican complexion. Mom was living in a very conservative traditional religious "white" area of the country, and was probably also having other personal issues at the time. Anyways the issue has re-emmerged, and now I have become the focus of the battle. Wife says I don't challange Mom's prejudice, Mom says she is not prejudice has lots of dark-skinned friends that wife is insensitve and spoiled, etc..... Mom tried for a reconciliation this summer. Wife would not. They BOTH to try to wedge us apart, they both do this to me. Both my parents have expressed concern that my wife tries to "push" our son on to them. He is to be equal in all ways to our daughter. This will include any college gift$, whatever, even though he has a very good biologocal participation with plenty of support. Obviously the drift of time has driven my parents desires to meet these needs away. So, I am supposed to make a stand. Should have my wife have tried to work this out directly, Should I intervein totally? God- I hate being in this position. Her parents are more accomodating and accepting of boy, however I know her mom warned of future problems because this. Wife said she would not have married me knowing my parents were "bigots", , but I think they are more concerned about respecting the invisible line of his biological roots, than presuming to be his real g-parents. They weren't very good parents to begin with. But I still desire to have a relationship with them, as are they willing to with me....<BR>Any relevant experience or comments would be greatly appreciated. Should we draft a contract? Have long distance mediator? Write them off? Write her off??? Write me off?????<BR>We have taken this to counselling but she is done with it, could not get the counsellor to agree.

I am sorry to hear that u are in the midst of this type of situation. I am in inter-racial relationship myself, and I can see why your wife would be hurt by your mother. Both children should be treated the same. The point is when u married your wife, you knew about her son. You accepted it, and assume the father role. Right? It is important that you stay focus on what really matters to you. I would hope keeping your family together, happy, and safe. I know you love your parents as well, but they have to accept all of your family. I feel you should support your wife, and respect her wishes. If she does not feel comfortable with your parents, maybe at a later date she may try to find it in her heart to forgive them. I can only imagine how she felt when her mother-in-law asked not send pics to the relatives. I know that would have cut me like a knive if my mother-in-law did the same thing. I hate to say this but your mother did some damage that I do not know if it can be repaired. Acceptance is so important in a family that something like this only sends a message to your wife that she is not accepted. She does not receive validation from your parents. That hurts! I am telling u how I would feel if I was in her shoes. I would not want to talk to them or have anything to do with them. To me, it would be a rejection. Your mother should be proud of you and your family. You've been married for 7 yrs, and that is something to be grateful. I hope u will get some responses and share them with your wife. Good luck!

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thanks for your replies. Hanora and Haloheart, yes in fact my wife and I just found your replies. I an happy to say that I found comfort in your responce, because yes by all means we are a family, and that is most important. I just needed someone else to reinforce that. I guess wife and I have written a letter to mom with a review of why we think that there are problems in our "bermuda triangle". We are having our pastor look at it also, for a objective opinion. Basically we are needing to cut the strings attached, and move on with life. Mom will have to learn to cope that her only son has taken on the role (after 7 years), as father and husband. I guess I am going to sit and wait for the worst to come. Mom is probably going to go into some seclusion, denial, whatever. Now the situation is kind of difficult, doctors say they found a mass in mom's breast. This is just after she lost best sister recently. So I continue to be wary. I know she will want my support, only on her terms. I want to support my mom through this difficulty, but how to negotiate these issues above? Am I being insensitive to do this now? I know that since my dad lost his mother, that he has drawn to us, and on more acceptable terms according to my wife. This is good we see him on a regular basis with no real issues.<BR>Anyways the saga continues, and thanks again for your insights.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I agree with hanora on asking the pastor for his opinion on best timing. I too went thru having a breast lump removed 4 years ago when I was pregnant. I was in my 5th month when I had to go into the hospital. Thank God it was not malignant. The testing, and waiting is very nerve racking. I was scared, but I keep my faith. I think it would be best to find out what the results hold for your mom before dropping another bomb on her. I will pray for your mom and you.

Mommasboy? Better not be.<P>Even if she is dying you cannot tolerate her intolerance. This is NOT your wife's battle, it is yours. You would be a very bad husband to leave this for your wife to handle. <P>However, in my opinion you should not be confrontational, just independent. Don't run every decision past your mom. Do what is right without concern for the angst she may have about her racist family.<P><BR>I am in an interracial marriage too, my H is of very mixed ancestry, but only a smidgen happens to be African. He looks distinctly non-white and people stare and stare trying to figure out "what" he is!!! And they ask the rudest questions out of their curiousity and ignorance.<P>His surviving parent is white, as I am, and we have not had to face extended family racism at all. My own H is the one who has had deep racist feelings, paranoia and mistrust due to his background and daily experiences in a white world. He has even tried to punish me for being white on a few occasions. Believe me, I stood up to that!