I don't even know if I am posting this under the right heading.. I have a long story.. here goes.. I have been married for 17 years and have two kids 13 and 10 who are my life. I have been a stay at home Mom for 13. My husband was my high sweetheart. I would like to say that we did at one time have a good relationship, but at this point all can remember is the hurt, embarrassment, and pain. My husband has always drank very heavily. He put me down a lot and has never given me encouragement with anything. Before we had children, I would stand up to him and we fought alot. After the kids, I didn't want to fight in front of them, so things went downhill after that. I would constantly try and make everything o.k. to keep him happy and make things good. 5 years ago I just got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. His drinking was more than I could handle and I just wanted to feel loved and respected. I asked him to leave, he was gone one night, and then came back and we started counceling.. Went for a short time. He said there was nothing wrong with his drinking or him and he wasn't going to change. I had a choice to make then. I chose to stay with him for the children thinking I could make it good for us all. Over the next few years lots of hurt with the drinking and put downs went on. Also, although I am so very ashamed to admit, I met somone else. It was NEVER sexual more emotional. My husbands drinking had gotten worse at that time. I have since ended all contact with this other man. (but have to admit wondering how he is doing) But, it have me the courage to confront my husband about his drinking and everything else. I finally realized that this emotional and verbal abuse was NOT my fault, and I deserve to be treated better. We went back to counc. 5 months ago. He changed for about a month with his drinking, but it came out in a session that I didn't love him anymore. He got very angry at that time, and hasn't gotten past it. He says I need to get over the past and move on. At that time, I just couldn't trust that he wouldn't go back to his old ways and hurt me over and over again. He still doesn't understand this. Last weekend was awful. We were faced with a situation that we knew going into would be a challange, one with which we had to deal with. He even went to counc. on Friday before and they talked about how important it would be. I had found this website the week before. I had just been searching for answers to all I am gong through. It felt so good to know there are so many people out there going through the same things. (I know I am rambling, my mind just races) Anyway, the weekend was awful. He went back to the same old ways. Of coarse putting the blame back on me as to why he behaved that way. I went in to talk to counc. on Monday. I had to make the hardest decision of my life. Ask him to separate. Telling my kids this was the hardest thing I have ever done. They were so hurt and confused. I do have to say, that was only Tues night and although they have a lot of questions, they don't seem as sad. I truly believe they will be o.k. He has said he doesn't want this, that it is my decision. He is now looking for a place to stay. I told him I had hoped this would help us in the long run, but he just said he hopes it works out that way. I told him that that would be his choice. I always thought I could stay for the kids, but I just can't. It hurts too much. Now, I am so scared. But, the thought of being alone isn't as bad as it once was. I am so bitter inside that part of me can't wait to be alone and away from him. I also know that the weekends without my kids will be very hard. I have prayed harder then I have in my life, and I have to say friends and family are comming out of the woodwork with support. I also worry about my husband, I hope he talks to someone, because I know he is hurting too... I guess I just wanted to share, it is so hard to be sure you are doing the right thing, when it is hurting your kids...

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: prnsus ]</small>

You'll find many abuse stories on this site, so you are not alone.
I suggest you find help for yourself and your children. For example, Al-anon and Alateen to help all of you get through this difficult time. Many local agencies offer free counseling and also "Women in Transition" programs which are helpful. Local Separated/Divorce support groups can also show you that you are not alone.
By helping yourself, you are helping your children. Make sure they get the counseling and help that they need now to ensure they grow up to be responsible, emotionally healthy adults.
My H & I are both ACOA, and I see the effects it had on each of us (and on my poor choice of partner).
God Bless you and your family, and realize that you are going through a rough period now.
You will probably hit a period of depression now, where you will cry for long periods, this is normal, and it means that you are dealing with your feelings. It is healthy. Get books and help. Don't do it all alone. You'll find that now you need people more than ever before.