My children are 10 and 7. My wife wants to tell them after my daughters 7th birthday (1 Week). What do you tell them? How do you tell them?

She's very determined to leave, she says she will wait a while to file for divorce, but I don't know.

I'm lost on this one, can anyone give me some advise?

T,

Recently I posted the same question in GQII, so you may want to do a search to pull up that thread.

Others will probably be along to post their stories and suggestions.

D.

WGTT,
Thanks, I'll see if I can find the thread.

I bought books to help tell my children (young), in addition read all you can for yourself.
Try How to talk to you children about Divorce
Mom's House/Dad's House
How to help your children cope with Divorce, the Sandcastles way

Good Luck

My daughters were around 6, 10, & 12 when we told them. I don’t know that there is an easy or best way. I sat everyone down in a circle and told them that mommy & daddy are getting divorced. Re-assured them that we both loved them and that the divorce is no way their fault. Further, we had agreed upon a temporary parenting plan already, so I had calendars printed up with which parent they were with on what day. We then opened the floor for them to discuss anything they wanted.

It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done or ever will do in my life. There were a lot of tears and hugging. I do believe that it is best to go in united on how you are going to tell them and not throw any blame around. The children just want to know that they are loved, where they are going to be sleeping, and where they are going to be going to school.

The worst thing about our situation was that my X went back on her word about all the things that the kids needed to know and that hurt them deeply. Granted through the divorce process we ended up basically settling for what we had told the kids but there was definitely damage done by the lies.

Best of luck my brother.

LostHusband gives great advice here. The books recommend telling them together (ie. H&W), and if you can agree on a temp custody plan in advance, you are ahead of the game. Most importantly, each of you needs to give the children permission to love the other parent.
And don't use the children as your confidante's, find counselors or friends to discuss adult issues.

Thank you all. We have agreed somewhat on a custody arrangement, although I'm not sure exactly how it's going to work.

I will have the kids on nights she works (3-4) and has school (2), she will have them the other nights. We've talked about holidays; I suggested we spend them together, she said that would be fine. But, the holidays are a long ways off, who knows what will happen between now and then.

We have agreed to tell them together, I just honestly don't know what we will say to them. I feel that since it's her decision she should do the explaining/talking. Is this wrong?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TM94:
<strong>I feel that since it's her decision she should do the explaining/talking. Is this wrong?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe!!! My X was the one that wanted the divorce and the one that had the affair, yet I was the one that did all the talking and explaining. Primarily because of the role that I play in my girls' lives. I am their emotional rock and my X was more the "Fred Flinstone" type of parent.

More than likely your 13yo, already sees the writing on the wall. After you tell them you need to watch their behaviour closely. Make sure that an envirenment is created where they percieve safety in expressing their feeling and emotions. No matter what the feeling or emotion you have to remember that it is theirs and you must validate them in feeling that way. Otherwise the communcation channels will close and behaviour issues could arise.

I had my girls in counseling and the counselor gave me great advice. One evening I asked my 10yo to do something and she started talking back to me. This is something that she typically doesn't do. So without a hint of anger, I put my arms around her and simply said "I know it's hard honey and I love you". We embraced, cried, and had one of the most meaningful conversation ever.

That's an experience that my X will never get. Since the divorce I've heard a lot of things that are uncomfortable for me to talk about but the bond between my daughters and I grows daily while on their bond with their mom deminishes. It's actually pretty sad.

May the grace of our Lord, Jesus Christ, be with you always.