this letter is to anyone who thinks D doesnt brother children or they are too young & will adjust to the new life. Ive watched a man who I would have done anything for. even give my life if I had to turn into a stranger. Not only to me but his only child. X will always be in the fog about what he did to our family. X told our son about MOW & promised him he would be there if he needed him. with what Im giving your mom she will only have to work parttime. that lasted till he got his things & left. Guilt only last a short time. Dad has not called son at home since he left 5-01. won joint custody but told son he only wanted to see him Sun only. Ive watch my son grow up the last 2 yrs. He looks older than his age of 13 1/2. a youngman who used to think shut-up was a bad word. If you say dad name I will hear language that I cant repeat. The name Ray(dad)alone he says makes him sick. no longer calls him dad. told friends he doesnt have a dad. son has made comments like just shoot dad. I sold our gun after that comment. Dr said Son has aggression for cops & nurses. X was a cop, MOW nurse. now I have to worry about son being around cops. Son thinks cops cheat, lie, steal, they are all like dad was when he was a cop. last time I saw X he said son will know the truth one day. Im still trying to figure that one out. Our child should be seeing a Dr. but X wont pay court ordered dr & Rx. X is behind $1000.00. son wont speak or see dad anymore. would be afraid if he saw his dad, not sure what son would do to him. son has made comments about hitting OW. I think thats why X never let him meet her. The damage has done, the trust, love, is gone. Our son is only filled with angry & hate. It will effect him later in life when he starts dating. not sure if X can fix what he did. As time goes by son is forgetting about the good times he had with dad before OW. Before you say or do anything think about what your children will be going through. Dont make promises you cant keep.

m-17 1/2 yrs
c-13, 29, 8 gd
me-48, 43
d-5-02

OW-32
c-3 under 11
d-7-02
m-10yrs

Can you go to your county to have the divorce decree and child support enforced? Your son needs counseling. There are some agency's that are on a sliding fee scale. Call your local United Way.

He is young and going through a rough time as it is being a teenager. Not all cops and nurses are bad, you and I both know this. He is really angry and H and OW. That is okay.

I dont' know if this is a good or bad idea, maybe he (s) should write dad a letter, telling him exactly how he feels.

Before you go with this option, you might want to see what more experienced posters have to say

next month we will be living on $490 month child support. because of illness & operations I could not work. I will be checking into agency's for help next week. have agency to help me with making x pay, they are backlogged, it will take months to make X pay. son wrote dad a letter months ago, dad told him that he didnt write the letter, mom wrote the letter. X doesnt believe his son could talk to him like he did. His son is growing up, he was afraid to talk to dad before. now our son says what he feels.

Well, if xH wants to live in his fog, let him. The day will come when he will finally believe that his S has a mind of his own and capable of voicing his opinion. He will have probably lost his son with no hope of recovery.

my family,

First, get your X back into court to have CS and whatever was in your original court decree upheld. CS support is usually deducted automatically from X's paycheck.

Second, look to see if son's school has a program for children going through a loss from divorce or death. They are free and are very helpful to the children because they can voice their opinions or concerns without either parent around; plus they realize they are not alone in what they are going through...there are other kids going through the same issues and feelings. If the school doesn't have a program, check with churches in your area. Many sponsor programs for children. "Rainbows" is one such program for children K-8th and there is a high school program as well(I don't remember the name)in our area. Check out what is available in your area that are free programs.

My next question concerns the healthcare issue. Is your X suppose to pay for son's healthcare? If so, get a copy of plan and see if psychotherapy is covered. It is in a lot of plans. If it's covered, and X has to pay for healthcare coverage, he does NOT get to dictate what coverage HE will allow. If he won't give you a copy of the healthcare plan and physicians in the plan, contact the employer directly.

Lastly, have YOU told X how his noninvolvement is effecting his son. If not, do so. This is a step I had to take. When they are in their fog, sometimes you need to hit them up-side the head to get their attention(figuratively, speaking). My stbx went from seeing his (then)14 yr. old son once or twice a month for a couple of hours to seeing him at least 6 hrs on both Saturday and Sunday of his visitation weekends(twice a month). Not great, but better than before. I still wish he'd call him during the week but I'll settle for this improvement.

You need to take action for your son's sake. If you belong to some religious affiliation, see if there is an active youth group there. Your son needs a positive male role model as my son did, and I found that in the senior high youth group. I explained the situation to the program's director, who is the associate pastor, and he took my son under his wing. My son has changed back into the child he was before;compassionate, loving, and giving. There is help out there but you have to be willing to seek it out and to ask. This was something that was very hard for me to do at first but I'm overcoming that "hangup" and I've found a wealth of support and kindness.

X has to keep medicial on son plus pay for all expenses left over from the insurance company not covered, even co-payments for Rx & Dr. I shouldnt be paying anything medicial, dental, Rx on my son. X knows about his son problem, he blames me for our son having problems. Saying I brainwashed our son. told X to go see the last Dr. that our son talked with, X refused. talked with OW H, he is having the same problem with her, she wont pay for haircuts, shoes for their 3 boys. They split the kids 2 weeks each. Both make about the same income.

I live in Florida and I am also divorcing a cop, in Florida non-payment of child support is a jailable offense and a Cop can lose his job over it. Find out what your state enforces. It does run in the blood of at least cops, they ignor thier children but want to be heroes, LOL, some heroes. Mine cancelled his daughters dentist appt because he did not want to pay 62% of the bill to have 2 cavities filled, it would have been about $150. He also told her that she did not have to see a counselor so my daughter and I eventually got through it and now she says "sc--w him, he doesn't care about anyone but himself". Our oldest daughter says something similiar and won't even call him Dad anymore. Real "FATHERS OF THE YEAR", I admire men who stand by thier children. Mine was dropping her off with in a few hours so he can go out to ladies night, this summer the health dept started leaving messages on the answering machine, still don't know what that was about but they stopped calling.

Definitely see about getting your son into counseling, I found out by accident that our medical ins. covered it the same as a reg. Dr. something STBX did not want us to know.

Fact is these men have a lot of issues to deal with, one of the first is thier integrity, they don't have any and they work in a profession that requires it, they are out of control and they think by controlling everyone around them it puts them back in control, thats an illusion, they are fooling themselves with. Now that we have let go and moved on, its thier problem and they will deal with it themselves and by themselves. I have found peace, contentment and now happiness just being me, I can look myself in the mirror and know that I am a good person, I did all I could to help, being human, I made mistakes but I was trying. Because of this I don't have any "what ifs". I found the things that are most important to me, God, my children, myself, honesty and integrity, doing the right thing.

God Bless you, and get the child support issue taken care of, it is his responsibility!