Here is my story- My wife of 11 yrs (married 9 yrs) who was a "mini-van supermom" and an incredible wife moved out of the house 6 mo ago claiming she was unhappy & needed time to herself. About 6 mo-1 yr before this she started losing interest in the family & marriage. She often seemed distant/off in another world. I tried hard to make her happy but she always seemed to only dwell on anything that I did to upset her & things from the past. She was reintroduced to the world of drugs & had access to it (pot, which she had a dependency in college) thanks to some of our neighbors. She started using this from time to time and still does. She grew more distant and started to show an interest in other men & alcohol & the bar scence. She wanted to go to marriage counseling but I didnt think it would help so I refused. I could sense she had already made up her mind that she wanted out to find greener pasteurs & nothing I could do or anybody would make her happy. She then moved out, got rid of the minivan, got into the bar scene and made some new dysfunctional friends (all into drugs, alcohol & bars-- "birds of a feather.."). She cut all contact with her family & mine & past friends. She has never kept our three kids (7y/o & 3y/o twins) overnight for 6 months. She wants little to do with me & the kids. She is still using drugs, has increased her alcohol intake, stays out all night, sleeps all day & has admitted she drives intoxicated frequently. She still calls from time to time to talk about life & the relationship but rarely visits with me and the kids in the evenings or weekends. She is keeping me in a holding pattern & an emotional roller coaster. She stills wants me there but at times she seems to pretend I dont exist mostly when she is with her girlfriends or out at night. After six months of this I am ready to file for a legal separation (mainly to hit her with child support for 3 kids to see if this wakes her up to get her priorities & life in order). We tried two marrige counselors (not the best) but she has showed little interest in it, always got incredible angry about petty things in the past at the session & then was too busy to continue going. We are going to give counseling another try which I think for her its just a way of buying more time to party/hang out. I dont know what else to do if the couseling doesnt work. I think my final option is to get an attorney to make sure the kids are taken care of. She keeps telling me she doesnt want a divorce and she needs more time. Many of her personal belongings are here at my house boxed up but she refuses to take them. She claims she hasnt had an affair but I dont trust her at this point. To make things even more complicated she just recently moved into a rental house right up the street from me. I see her house & the number of cars in the driveway everyday. She also finally started taking Prozac to help her with her depression of & stabalize her emotions (crying one minute--angry & hostile the next). To top it all off our finances are in shambles. She spends money like there is no tomorrow and has lost all control of her spending. I have just recently separated the finances to protect myself. I have so many mixed emotions-- angry at her for neglecting her kids & me or pretending like we dont exist but then she calls to talk like its old times & I think there is hope. I have 6 months to go before I can file for a divorce. I dont know if I have the energy to keep going with the three kids or tolerate what she is putting me through. What should I do?? Anybody in the same situation out there???

jeffrd,

You are not alone .... unfortunatley. Read my signature line and know that I am dealing with the same issues as you are. There are others on this board as well.

I will type a more detailed response in a few minutes but wanted to post so you know that someone is on the boards tonight.

Sorry for what you are going thru, I know it's not easy.

God Bless,

D.

j,

Welcome to MB, it's a great place for support, but when dealing with addictions, more help is needed .... like alanon. It's a life saver - literally. More about that later.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After six months of this I am ready to file for a legal separation (mainly to hit her with child support for 3 kids to see if this wakes her up to get her priorities & life in order). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">File for you and protection of your kids, but don't file to wake her up. It may or may not. Drugs do strange things to people so that they don't even care about their own kids!

The MB principles are great, counseling is good, BUT the addiction MUST be handled first or there will NOT BE ANY REAL PROGRESS. The only problem is that you can't make the choice for your wife, only she can. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Addictions change people. period. It's hard to witness that happening to someone we love, the mother or father of our kids. But I can't do anything about getting her to change and neither can you. What you can do, is take care of yourself. That's a hard concept to swollow but it's the only one. It took me a loooooooooong time to really have that sink in and each day I am still a work in progress.

Post on these boards, come here to vent and express your feelings, read all you can, learn from others who are going before you.

There will be some guys along as well to lend you thier support. The boards are kind of slow on weekends so be patient. You can also post in GQII as it gets more traffic. Your post can be copied over there so you don't have to retype. If you don't know how, just post & i'll do it.

God Bless,

D.

Hi Jeffrd

Welcome-I am sorry that this has happened to you and your W.

You should post on GQII-more traffic esp at Weekends.

I am curious as to what happened to drive your W to change her lifestyle-it is quite a dramatic change. There are many who would say that the signs are all there of an affair. Tell us more about your R before W left?

I am not in the same situation as you but there are lots who are and the oldtimers can help too. But I would advise you to look after yourself and your little ones as a priority. Read what you can about relationships. And try and find out as much as you can about what is happening with your W.

Good luck,

Deluded

your problem sounds like mine. H became distant from me & son. loving father & husband changed to a person you couldnt talk or be around. Rx pills for pain were showing up. later said Drugs came from MOW who is RN. You cant change a person to be what you want them to be. Only that person can make the change. Do you want your children to be raised in a home with your wife and her new life style? X wanted both his home life he felt safe in, and the excitement of the A. He blames me for D, but I had to put my child first. I loved H when we D. H wouldnt quit seeing MOW. We have moved out of state, we didnt want to see dad with OW. We have no contact with X, our house feels like a home again. It will get better. You do need some type of tempory agreement about which parent has the children, childsupport, etc. When wife finds out about paying childsupport she wont be happy & will probaby change her mind about you getting the children. Everything she is saying now will change when she get a lawyer.

m-17 1/2 yrs
me-48, x 43
c-13,29, 8 gd
d-5-02

OW-32
c-3 under 11
d-7-02
m-10yrs