It has been a while since I have posted. Have been doing really well overall. It was a year ago this week that my world came crashing down. And I am proud to say that I have grown more within myself as a man, father, Christian, and husband in this last year than the entire life beforehand.

I did speak with my STBX this week about a few things related to our divorce. We are in the process of Final Agreement negotiations. I have questions about your opinions on aspects of the agreement, but will save that for a different thread.

Anyway, in the course of the conversation, she finally said she was sorry. First time since I found out about her last affair in June. But the apology was quickly diluted because she quickly followed it up by saying "I just did things out of order."

That is the rationalization that she is at currently. No real wrong, just didn't choose her order of behavior very well.

So my question to you is how has your ex trivialized their actions and its effect on your family?

Just for a quick background. She left our children with a babysitter overnight while I was at a medical meeting, giving the babysitter strict instructions NOT TO ANSWER the phone. I called and called, and eventually had to have HER BEST FRIEND go to my house to see if they were all dead. That was my fear. She trivialized this as just a 'spur of the moment trip' with her assistant principal. She is a teacher. Her assistant principal is a woman, and took naked or essentially naked pictures of my wife so she could send them to her lovers. I now think that she didn't go with this person at all, but met someone, but I have no proof and really don't care, because one is not any better than the other when she leaves my children overnight in such a manner.

I found out about her 3rd affair first. "Just needed a friend to talk to, we spoke about you mostly." Hahaha, yep, probably "better keep quiet, or my husband will find out."

First and second affairs started via internet, consumated via lies about "Going to Chicago for a Girls weekend out with her friends." Main friend.... You guessed it, her assistant principal. Never picked up the principal as far as I know, just filled a cooler with beer and drank all the way to Chicago where she picked up her lover and spent the 3 day weekend after Thanksgiving with him. I took off a day of work so I could be home with my boys so she could go be with her lover. Now, this lover was a 27 year old married man with two children under the age of three. She lied to him about being divorced, as well as coerced him into meeting her, in a fashion. I have his 294 emails to her,and her draft copies of her replies, in her email account. When he felt bad, she would reply that he has no reason to feel bad. hahahaha AMAZING!!!

Last affair, found out while doing laundry. I won't go into details, but I was disgusted and crushed. This one was my fault as well, because I "killed her heart and caused her to jump at the first man to show her love."

First...
Second...
Third...
Fourth...

Oh well, she is just a fourth grade teacher, we won't let a little counting error get in the way of her needs.

Hahahaha, it just makes me laugh. I am astounded about so many things that she does, but I still can't believe that I am ever surprised at what she does next. But I invariably am 'floored' by her thought pattern or lack thereof.

So, my question to you is, How has your Wayward whatever trivialized their behaviors and/or its effect upon you and your family?

<small>[ January 19, 2003, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Fomerly-

IMHO, some men & women are just like that. My WW actually told me (when we were trying to reconsile) and after I told her that "other men" were deal breakers)

She actually said "Thats how I am." "If you don't like it then you don't like me."

WOW! I feel the pain and frustraion you are. It has been a year for me too (Feb 7th) and although I only know of one affair, it shouldn't or wouldn't shock me if there were more.

Formerly, be at peace. They are not the people we thought they were.

Formerly, I was glad to see your post. I had been wondering where you were and if everything was okay. I'm glad to hear you and the boys are doing well, in spite of the D.

As to your question, it made me smile. Every thing in our married life has been trivalized, either to my face or to my daughters.

He told my one daughter she was lucky to have such a good relationship with her serious boyfriend, they were soulmates...he NEVER had that. Broke my heart, although I know it was the fog talking.

I too found emails, almost 100 of them, mostly her's to him, although I found a few of his drafts too. They believe they are soulmates, kindred spirits brought together by God, late in life. That did something to MY soul....

He has trivialized his leaving me, it's not that bad, people get divorced all the time, people have affairs all the time, it's to bad society puts it in such a bad light. I'll be okay, I'll find some nice little $8 or $9 per hour job and I can support myself - he is NOT going to support me for the rest of my life. Mind you, I worked with 2 small children while he went to school full time and graduated with an engineering degree and now makes high 5/low 6 figures. When he graduated he told people "we" had graduated, and that he would always take care of me.

Yeah, I guess he's trivialized just about everything.

WW trivializes things as, "I made some bad decisions that led to an inappropriate relationship. When HUSBAND found out, he flipped and though I tried to hold things together, he just wouldn't put any effort into correcting his problems."

Where "BAD DECISIONS" include A-based pregnancy, oral sex, and a 10 month affair with her best friend's husband, who had 3 kids. And INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP means they actively lied and manipulated their spouses to be together. And her "trying to hold things" together as befriending her lover's two best friends, keeping in contact with her lover, and trying to get me to admit that I "forced" her to have the A against her will... after all I "let" them be alone together RIGHT?

"My problems" were of course becoming severely depressing and untrusting of her when I learned of her A.

<small>[ January 19, 2003, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

Haha Lyxa,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

These quotes should be in the front of Time magazine.

How has your Wayward whatever trivialized their behaviors and/or its effect upon you and your family?
Ready for this?

She told me she left me because I never bought Coca Cola. I only bought Pepsi. I bought 1% milk, not 2%. I made oat bran muffins.
Honest! This is what she told me.

She told me her affair wasn't about the sex and her leaving had NOTHING to do with wankstain, even though she moved in with him immediately and is still with him 4 years later.

I was in the Air Force and we moved 5 times in 19 years. Just before she left, she told her sister we moved too much. wankstain does construction and she (now) paints for him. They move every few weeks (longest by far was 3 months in the same place) and she has moved at least 26 times in the last 4 years.

She wrote a note to my oldest (now 17) and told her she got married right after high school and never had a chance to live alone. We didn't have kids until we were married for 5 years and after she left, she immediately moved in with wankstain. So how is that "living alone?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahahahahahaha

Chris... This is hilarious. You unthinking and uncaring monster. Don't you know that Coke is God's own nectar whereas your piddly Pepsi is the devil's own juice?

And what were you thinking depriving your family of its rightful 1% milkfat. You are indeed a rogue and should be dealt with accordingly.

It is truly wonderful that we don't have to put up with the person that our spouses have become. I thank God daily that while I never wanted this to happen, that the way it has happened has allowed me to continue walking towards my future, knowing that this sort of stuff does not, nor will it EVER be in my life again.

And you know what? I don't even care whether they ever realize just how ridiculous they are acting. I used to take solace in the thought that she would one day see the error of her ways and maybe even feel a little badly. But now, I don't care enough about that woman to even desire that she ever come out of her fog. Perhaps that will change in the future, and I will feel something for her once again. I know that I pity her for the place that she forces herself to live within. But I take absolutely NO responsibility any longer for how she continues to act.

I feel sorry for her, as I would any person who is deluding themselves in an effort to maintain a lie. But I don't care for her any further than that. I loved her once, I loved her more than any person could ever hope to love her now or in the future. But I no longer care for or respect her. I hope that she finds the happiness she seeks. Perhaps if she realizes just what is happening, I will be able to care about her once again, just as a person. I will never allow myself to be put in the position to trust her. Because I don't have to ever again. If she said that the sun came up in the East, and if I cared what she said, I would have to go out at sunrise and check myself. I have heard to many lies and half truths.

<small>[ January 19, 2003, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

H told my kids "God wants me to be happy"

I guess he is better than God, because I know God is not happy with anything my H has done in the last 4 years.

OW's H is not happy (they were married only 6 months when they began affair)

Neither are OW"s parents (church youth group leaders...OW went to Christian HS)

OW's child Im sure is not happy living in small apartment in drug infested complex, when she had nice gorgeous brand new home, large yard overlooking fields and woods

And there's me and my kids....

20YO says daily that he hopes my H kills himself with drugs or drunk driving accident Guess he's not happy

18 YO D pretty much feels same way, said if she ran into them she would somehow cause bodily harm to OW and her father. She bought her father Christmas present, then returned it, Guess she's not happy either

22YO could care less about father

15YO is still on the fence, but his life has drastically changed. I dont think hes happy...Hard to tell he's so withdrawn

and then there's me.. H did horrible things to me
yet he had the nerve to leave a message on my cell phone other day that he "loves me as a friend" you dont do to anyone some of the things he did to me let alone to a friend or someone you love.

But it's all OK as long as my husband is happy.

Oh, and the other thing he said "I want you to find someone to help you pay for the house"

What am I supposed to go stand on some corner and find a sugar daddy to shack up with????

X told me he starting talking with MOW (RN) & hospital Drs. because I only had a 12th grade education. He needed someone intelligent to talk with that was on his level. I love the one he told me a few months after D. " I made him fall in love with MOW." After what he did to his family Im glad it wasnt for nothing. His story why he had A changed so much that I got bored at trying to keep up with them. Later it wasnt A just oral sex. Now Ive brainwashed his only child. X told son about MOW, son told dad if you leave me I will hate you. Dad is engaged to OW and son quit speaking & seeing dad. OW X isnt happy, X took one of OW children over to his place had sex with OW while the child was in the other room, boy went home & told dad. So much for respecting OW. When X left he say I could make it on my own. Well lets see, I needed 3 operations, didnt know if I had breast cancer, havent work in 13 yrs, in my late 40s, lost all military medical. But X said I could get a job making $6 hr. & support our child who has ADD & has several medical problems. With the $490 childsupport I guess we will be living the American Dream. We were used to X income of $45,000. X wont pay for son court ordered Medicial & school. Im not sure what the story would be about not paying, but Im sure X has a good one. After all X said & done to me, Im at peace. Ive have the most precious thing in the world my son who loves & trust me.

m-17 1/2 yrs
me-48, x-43
c-13, 29, 8 gd
d-5-02

OW-32
c-3 under 11
m-10yrs
d-7-02

First myfamily, why did you lose military medical? Please share!!!

And now for the other............

xH wanted "to be happy", wasn't unhappy though.

Never loved me has loved her all these years.

I didn't need him. She did!

This wasn't about me or anything I had done.

"This is not a midlife crisis!!!"

"The kids will be ok, I was TDY all the time anyways."

"I'll explain it to the kids and hope that someday they will understand and forgive me."

"I never cheated on you" (What's an EA of 2 years?)

3 weeks before he told me that he wanted a divorce (that was 2 years ago this week)he told my mother "that he would take care of me the rest of my life, that he loved me" (yes he will! he'll pay me alimony the rest of my life with a cost of living allowance yearly).

Do I believe any of this crap? Nope!!!! Do I understand that it's his fog talking? Big time, I actually feel sorry for him in a lot of ways, I see him as a sick man, one that I wanted to help overcome his fog, not anymore he has to live with what he has done, the kids keep distancing themselves more from him.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What I'd like to know is where is the "text" that they get all this from?? There has got to be one out there somewhere that they all read from! The "I've got to be happy", "I haven't loved you for years", "You'll be fine, I need my space", "I'm not leaving for her/him, it's because of you/our problems"!!....it's just amazing to me.

You're right daybreak, only they can believe their crap and they do wholeheartly. I too wanted to help my sick H, but you can only do so much.

My xW didn't have any bad behaviour. It was all fine to do it. Of course it was me, I just never saw it. I didn't the special patented acme Affair seeker Xray specs she did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . To this day there is no remorse. Of course she is as miserable as can be...

Outstanding thread. My W is right up there with the rest of the other speeches.

I will depend on myself.....need to move in with OM.

I will support myself..... need child support check and OM to pay for rent.

You gave me the depression.... Still on medication.

You gave me the migrains.... Still taking Imetrex.

I've never been so happy... need someone else to make me happy cant be happy for themselves.

The list goes on and on. She is so much in the fog it's unbelievable.

Well, I got the standard "I never REALLY loved you like a husband should." Oh well, THAT explained everything....FOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

It took me quite sonme time to realise the problem lay with him as a person, and not ME. I WAS, and AM a good person. But he had to justify his continuing infidelity somehow, and that was by painting ME black instead of himself.

I now know I have a lot to offer someone who appreciates it. And I am glad my energies will not be wasted now, because I will be able to SEE what I couldn't or wouldn't before.

When someone truly loves you, they just don't do the kind of things he did to me. And I am not just talking infidelity here. I will be aware of those red flags before I commit myself, and I hope to find a new partner one day who appreciates me the way I am.

Love and light,

Jacky

Heh Nina too, my W said the same thing. "I love you, just not the way a W is supposed to love a H." There must be a "fog manual" around somewhere.

Oh, for SURE!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The funny thing is that they don't think WE will ever catch on!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

OH!

Forgot to add...someone here said how their X said kids will be okay with it....well my X's (and he was THE model Dad {from ME and everyone we know} so justifying the kids' reation is important to him) famous quote for this is "The kids are resilient." Said it to EVERYONE we know! Talk about trying to convince HIMSELF of this!!!

And if he were a fly on the wall? He would see our nine and a half year old sleep walking, having NIGHLY nightmares, being downright surly, when he never was; the middle child acting out and having BAD days SO bad that she cannot FUNCTION for her grief, and she is only seven; and the youngest (5)threatening ME with living with her dad and OW whenever she doesn't get her own way.

Oh yeah, they are resilient alright.....just as far as their DAD can see.....

Geez.........at least I KNOW them. He doesn't have a CLUE.

I'm sorry to hear that our spouses supposed happiness only leaves a trail of tears. My W says the same thing. She thinks the kids will be alright and that everyone is doing it. My reply was you cant devistate their world and expect them at 8 and 5 to be an adult and shrug this off.

I hold them close and love the best I can. God will provide for my children and me. I can put my trust in that along with the support groups that I have.