My wife and I have been married for four years. We were together for over 6 years. I am a cop and she became one about 2 years ago. Our first year or so of marriage was pretty special, but once she became a cop, our schedules came into conflict, and I started demanding more time with her. This caused her to distance herself. As time wore on, the taker in me grew resentful that everything came before me, while I still expected to live up to all of my obligations. She probably felt she was doing all she could do, but I couldn't see it. I started withholding affection and we both stopped talking. In September, she left. She filed in December. Two days after she filed, she got activated to go to Bosnia. She comes from a fundamentalist family, and has declined invitations to counseling. She says she needs to find herself, and that she doesn't like herself when she's with me. I've been a perfectionist and made life hell for her.

Since then, I had a revelation about all the stupid things I did to destroy the intimacy. We have decided to forego any additional proceedings until January 2004, when she returns from Bosnia. She is adamant that her mind is fixed on divorce, and that her mind is not likely to change. Having been upset with her at least twice since she left, I have decided to stop trying save the marriage, and am concentrating on trying to be kind and compassionate, so some relationship with her still can occur.

She will answer the phone when I call, but it seems obvious she doesn't want to think about us at all. She is enjoying her freedom.

I struggle with sticking it out until she returns. I know it's the right thing to do, but I am used having someone with whom to spend time, and don't feel right about even thinking about starting anything with anyone else. I do love my wife, but I am concerned that her mind is closed.

I have a year until we will need to revisit this issue. In the meantime, we have taxes to do, etc.

Comments?

I am so glad to hear a man admit to withholding affection as a form of punishment. Women crave attention and affection. The lack of these in a marriage is usually intolerable for a woman. If you want her back you will have to court her again, starting from scratch. That means send her flowers, invite her to expensive romantic dinners, take her to the movies or a concert or a theatre. The things you did when she wasn't yours and you were trying to win her over.

Holding back affection is poison to a woman's heart. We need it like air. Trying to give you some suggestions that would work on me, if my stbx were to care enough to try:
I agree...court her. As though she was a stranger...start slow..or fast, if that is your usual style. Maybe even sneak in a few momentos of your truly good times together. Be romantic: write her beautiful love letters...write her some poetry about how beautiful you think she is. You can find all this on the net, I am sure, if you absolutly cannot write yourself, but I promise you, she'll appriciate even a "lame" attempt. Can you think of something she's always wanted? Better yet...is there something you think she could use overseas? Maybe some food product you can't get over there that she likes, or maybe a good book in her taste (NOT a self help or relationship help book)--the idea for that one is just genorosity and thoughtfulness. And stupid little thing you can think of...the more selfless yet thoughtful, the better. Record a song for her, where you are singing -and if applicable/possible, insert her name wherever another's would be. That would be very sweet. See something in the mall that would look great on her? Buy it and send it to her with a card "saw this the other day, and knew/thought it would look beautiful/perfect on you." --something to that effect. If I can think of anything else, I'll post again. But you are in the right direction with making yourself better. Court her, but focus a good deal of energy in you. Maybe pick up a new hobby or two. Enroll for some college classes...new things in your life that are good will make you a bit more exciting and fresh to her. And show her that you are dedicated to improving yourself.

forgot to mention: if you like reading at all, Phil McGraw's book "Relationship Rescue" is helping me a great deal through sorting through my emotions and whatnot-- focuses on self improvement in order to better your relationship. Also, I know it's been beat into the ground, but "Men are from mars, women are from venus" is a great tool in helping you understand, and even recourt your wife (has a list of women's needs, or things you can do to make her happy). Good luck.

Epiphony and Ruby:

Thanks very much for your comments. She really likes trefoils and thin mint Girl Scout cookies, so I plan to send them to her. She also likes cordial cherries and Louis L'Amour, so I hope to send CARE packages while she's deployed. I just hope she doesn't change her mind about sending me her APO address.

The sad part is that I'm normally very affectionate. I made her lunch for her everyday when she was at the Police Academy. I was working nights, so our time together dwindled. I missed her so badly it hurt.

When she started working full time, our time together became non-existent, and I grew focused on my own emotional needs instead of hers. I made plenty of mistakes. I have my own insecurities, and I thought I was losing her. So, like an idiot, I tried to hold on tighter and ended up pushing her away. I feel terrible.

I wrote her a love letter enumerating many of the mistakes I made, and asked for her to forgive me. She's still very frustrated with me, and is currently not talking to me again. I think she's torn about not encouraging me, but I'm positive she still cares about me and doesn't to hurt me. Her defenses are up, so I'm sure that I won't hear her say she loves me anytime soon. The freedom she's currently enjoying is difficult to combat as well, since I was smothering her with control before she left.

It took over two years for us to break down, so it will probably take the entire deployment and longer to rebuild the trust. I really put her through hell and had no appreciation for her feelings while this was going on. It seemed to me that she fell in love with her new job, and I couldn't compare to that. I'm a fuddy-duddy homebody, who likes to cook, and relax. She was looking for adventures.

Again, thanks for your comments. Any more that you have would be great.

Thanks again and God Bless!