I was instructed by a councelor to write this letter to my stbx, right before we seperated. It was to help me work through some emotions as I was about to give my h the ultimatum (cybersex or me). I wrote it...took me 6 hours. We had a huge fight where I was drunk and remember very little. I called my mom for support in the middle of all of it, and she says I told her that he said he wanted both. And I could no longer live with that. We ended on a desicion to divorce. The next day, he asked me if we could talk without all the yelling. I agreed. But neither of us could think of what to say, and we spent the day in seprate rooms...feeling very strange/nervous, etc. Finally, I could take it no more. I grabbed this letter I had written for my therapy, and gave it to him, telling him that I couldn;t think of anything to say, and although the letter says goodbye, it is not what I mean...I was only hoping for a starting point in some kind of amicable discussion. Here is the letter:

August 18, 2002

Brian, my love,

I need to try and make sure I say everything. That way, there will be no unanswered questions. Above all, I want you to know that I have always loved you, and I still do.
I have always been an idealist, I guess. I always hope for the best in people, and try to understand their true motives and intentions behind their actions. With this cyber thing you do online, I kept telling myself, that you weren’t cheating on me per say—that you were a lonely little boy with no self-esteem looking for an ego boost. It hurt me, because it made me feel inadequate. Why couldn’t you talk to me instead? Why couldn’t you look at me to get excited to have sex with me? I would never hurt someone I love intentionally, and I would never do something that could ever be perceived as betraying them whether they were ever going to find out or not. And I guess I just assumed that when you love someone, that’s all a given –that everyone practiced this same gesture of respect. I would do (almost) anything for you because I love you. If I were doing something that seriously bothered you (like, not having a job)…I would change that. Why won’t you?
I have waited so long for you to finally come around. I have begged, pleaded, cried, yelled. I have even tried to make you jealous by talking to men online, myself…even women (so you’d think I was as sexy as your cyber-girlfriends). I have done all that I could to try to persuade you to stop. We would reach some conclusion, where you would eventually say you’d stop, but in truth, you just found new ways to hide your activities and cover your tracks. And you would do it even more, and started getting really personal by adding phone calls. It seemed that every time I found out about your dirty little secret, you just became angrier with me; like somehow what you were doing was my fault, and you would twist everything so that it was. You were always trying to curb your responsibility. Of course I was pissed! Of course I was hurt! Who wouldn’t be? And one of the things that hurt the most was, that you would sit there and look at my red face all damp with tears that were still pouring down, and you would pretend to be sorry, and you would tell me it was just an ego boost or whatever, but you would promise to stop. LYING THE WHOLE DAMN TIME AND KNOWING IT! All those broken promises; and you were always so angry that I did not trust you, as though I was just being a *****. You say I keep bringing up the past. Well you keep repeating it! How can I get over your transgressions, when #1 -- you never really apologized and #2 -- you keep doing the same thing and lying about it. Hell, how can I even accept an apology from you when you lie so much?!
I really hurt myself in trying to deal with all the pain you were causing me. I ate and drank too much, and I let your activities invade my every thought. I talked to friends to try and have an outlet for all of my pain, but I never took their advice and they were tired of hearing the same old story. So, then I was alone with all of it. And I knew that talking to you was pointless—if I knew anything new, and if I confronted you and tried to talk about it, you’d just lie and cover your tracks better, so there was no point. Every time I talk to you, you just manipulate me. You try to make me feel guilty for my extremely valid emotions. Instead of being honest with me to get the response out of me that you want, you just lie to me and use my feelings for you against me to bend me to your will. (ex: telling me you were going to go donate plasma, including in that statement how painful it was…when you wanted me to say, ‘no don’t! I’ll get a job—then we’ll have money.’ Then you went and bragged to your friends about how you were manipulating me. What a jerk!) All of the confidence and self-esteem I had faded away each time you signed on; each time you lied to me about it. I began to see that I didn’t matter as much as I thought I did to you, and that I wasn’t as pretty and wonderful as I thought you believed. And I wasn’t so smart, to be lied to so easily. I saw that I was not enough. And I wondered what else you really didn’t mean. Your game and your lies drained me, until all I had left was my love for you, and hope. And now, the hope is gone. How weak of me, I know. I know my plight is not entirely your fault. But the majority of it is.
I didn’t get a job at first b/c you were going online. I was afraid that as soon as I left the house, you’d be collecting phone numbers again, and setting up more meetings. So, I stayed home to baby sit you. And you just got angrier and angrier---probably partially b/c you couldn’t get your fix. Now that I have a job, I feel like no matter what I say to you, you just give me lip service and false sympathy….waiting for when I will finally go to work again so you can do your thing.
It’s gotten so much worse now. We work different shifts, so when I go to bed (or step out of the house for any period of time), you are on the computer. And the part that should be screaming out to you that this is not right is this: you neglect responsibilities to sit there jacking off to the monitor for 7-9 hours straight. And you do this every chance you get! Forget something productive, like polishing your boots, or cleaning up around the house. Forget dedicating this attention towards your wife. You are having these women e-mail you at your work now, which could ruin the only thing you care about: your career. And the breaking point: talking online isn’t enough anymore. You have set up a meeting for next Saturday and promised the girl that you’d have sex with her. And I am not buying your excuse: that you knew about my spy program and were just trying to get me to talk to you—that you weren’t really going to meet her. Otherwise, I don’t think she’d be e-mailing her room number and a plan to your work. And I don’t think you would’ve been so adamant about finding out exactly where she’ll be and exactly what she’ll be wearing. I believe that you thought the spy program was gone with the older computers. It wasn’t until I confronted you AFTER your date was set up, that you figured out how I could have known. Again, you tried to twist the truth so you wouldn’t come out looking like the sick little boy you are.
You said you don’t want to be married. That’s fine, there’s no arguing with that. That is okay because, as you said: this isn’t working. And I am really getting sick of hearing you say that you got married too soon and acting like I tricked you. I gave you an out! So how dare you say that? You’re getting some kind of narcotic-like fix from the cyber-sex, and I cannot be swallowed up by all of this pain anymore. Addiction is stronger than love, I guess.
I am tired of your lies and your unwillingness to fix things. I am tired of everything always being my fault. On another note, I cannot stand how you act like seeing my family is some kind of excruciating torture, and how you try to make me feel bad every time there is a visit. And understand this: I love you, but I cannot take your denial of your responsibility; your refusal to accept what you have done and to find a way to fix it—to instead “break it more” because figuring out how to fix it and accepting that it might be a little hard is just ‘too much.’ You are such a hypocrite in this; because you hate it when someone is unwilling to do something because it is too hard, yet look at yourself! You drive me crazy by always running away when things get thick. You just up and leave when there’s something uncomfortable. What do you think that says to me? Let me ask you this: is your plan to just run through your life and **** whatever looks female enough? To always avoid any kind of long-term relationship (those are the kind that you have to put work into), because “it’s too hard”?
Do you remember Clarissa? You’re doing what she did: to make herself feel special and pretty, she’d have sex with anyone who looked at her. Did it work? No. She just felt even emptier, and so she’d have sex with more guys…and then she’d feel emptier. Because what she was doing was not working to solve her real problem, but she did not see that, so she just kept doing it more, hoping that maybe the next string of ****s would make her feel special. And they never did. Just because someone is willing to have sex with you, does NOT mean they find you attractive or smart. Using sex to build your self-esteem is like trying to fight a fire with wood. It’s not going to work, but it will make it worse, whether you realize it or not. The more you try to fix that hole inside with sex, the worse you will feel, and the more you will try to medicate yourself with the sex. But Prozac does not cure a headache. You are using the wrong medicine. And now you are addicted to it. How do you know that you’re not going to accidentally impregnate the next one? And what if she tries to trap you with it? And even worse, what if it happens to more than one? What if they won’t abort? What if they try to make you marry them? What if they go to your commander, and begin collecting child support from your check?
What the hell is up with you and miller?! Joe’s distracted—she’s still callin….you’re all sexual-like with her and flirty to boot. Spill. You got nothing to loose, believe me.
I expected this to be sort of like what my parents have: a loving atmosphere, where there was equal give and take, and lots of respect and appreciation for the other. Where we both encourage each other to do whatever is best for ourselves, and where—in everything—we work as a team. That means keeping our problems hidden from family and friends, and working them out privately, and respectfully. It means never degrading one another to anyone, and always sticking up for the other if someone else was degrading the other, even when they’re not around. It means making decisions together, especially the big ones, and working together to see those choices through. I thought we would always show our affection for the other, and that no other person could put us asunder, because our love for each other was so real—and we were each other’s “one”—and no one else could even come close. I thought you’d always want my opinion, always be happy to see me; I thought you’d always give me the affection you had always showered me with. I knew it would diminish some, even a lot. But you gave me so incredibly much that even a fraction of it would keep any woman feeling loved. And I thought this was another “given”—that when I was with you, you would not try to bust your neck looking at other women. That I would be respected enough for you to honor me by not making me look like a worthless whore.
I have said ‘one more chance’ so often, the words hold no meaning. You just kind of expect me to always be here no matter what you do. Much like Kathy: who steals from my family, lies to them, and tries to siphon all she can from their bank accounts…quitting her jobs and just expecting mom and dad to pick up the pieces like they always do. She smokes her pot and abuses her husband and just waits around for mom and dad to bail her out. You are doing the same thing. You are hurting me, lying to me, leaving all the real world problems to me (because you’re much too busy with your own form of pot—the computer) and you just expect me to keep giving. You expect me not to get mad, or not to go ‘poking around in your business’ and to just take care of everything you’re ignoring, no questions asked. You expect me to always be there to tell you that you’re smart/handsome/wonderful, and to agree with you about some unfairness at work, and joke about whoever makes you mad. You want me to cook and clean and comfort you. I am NOT your mother! I want your love! I want your respect and your honesty! I see now, that you are incapable of all of those things, because you are so wrapped up in your game.
I am defeated. Despite all the love I have for you, it is not enough. I am not enough. I am too ugly and fat for you to want me. I cannot perform amazing acrobatics in bed like a porn star. I am not willing to trade sexual partners or add new ones for ‘spice’. I don’t want to be cheated on. I am not worth the trouble of solving a problem. I am not worthy of affection.
I am sickened at the idea that there is something going on at work. I almost think you are telling Sue to pretend she’s interested in Joe around me…when in fact, it is the two of you. That is how this outsider sees it. I called Joe’s tonight and you weren’t there. Possible alibis: you wore the outfit you told your whore you’d wear…so maybe she came a week early. Or...I’m right about the coworker…b/c I think Joe’s busy tonight with his new girlfriend. See, dear…when dealing with me, you forget that I have been through this **** a million times before I even met you. And you promised to be different. Hmpf.
I will always have a million questions that I doubt I will ever get an honest answer to. Why could you never be honest with me? That is all I ever asked of you! I told you I didn’t even care if there was a relationship—all I wanted was honesty. Why did you ask me to marry you if you did not want to be married? And why did you punish me for it? Why couldn’t you just say that you weren’t a commitment kind of guy—that relationships are too hard for you, because there’s responsibility involved? (Damn you- do you not realize that part of being a leader is RESPONSIBILITY!!!!) Why do you hate marriage so much? Is it because the state would help punish you if you broke a sacred promise (if you cheated)? Is it because it’s a lot harder to take back your promises? Is it because you really only want someone around until they discover the depth of your addiction, and then you can throw them away? Why can’t you tell me you don’t love me “like that” anymore? Are you trying to be the good guy in all this? Did you have a sexual encounter with someone else at any time that you have known me? Why are you trying to kill me by sleeping around? Did you ever listen to a word I said—about how much it hurt me to always be cheated on? Or is your [censored] just more important than my heart?
I have been fighting a war I cannot win. I cannot help you because you do not want to be helped. You have chosen the computer over me. You have chosen sex over love. I cannot win. How could I have been so wrong? I am defeated, and it is time to pick my tattered and tired heart up and leave the battlefield, because I am out of weapons.
I had so hoped you would surrender to me. I had dreamed that you would love me like I thought you did, and that you would like the idea of a life with me. I fantasized that you would once again smile and light up whenever you saw me, and that you would shower your affection onto me and once again treat me like no other woman in the world existed.
I see now that it will never happen. I don’t expect the beginning infatuation. But a little affection every day would have been nice.
I have never had to tell anyone goodbye before. I decide I love someone and I become committed to making things work and sticking it out through the rough spots. Too committed, I guess—I don’t even leave when the abuse begins, and when it becomes obvious that I am the only one still in the relationship; like now. I can’t believe I am saying goodbye even though I am still in love. That sounds insane. I am so tempted to keep fighting, even though you said you don’t want to be married. I keep thinking ‘if I stick it out long enough, he’ll change. I don’t want to leave too soon, because maybe tomorrow, he’ll change.’ I am (painfully) beginning to realize that my little fantasy is never going to come true. You keep giving me little glimmers of hope—telling me you don’t know how to fix it—seemingly, asking me to tell you so you can. But that does not change the fact that you don’t want to be married. It doesn’t change the fact that you said you don’t want to go to marriage counseling. It does not change that you have a date next Saturday, and that you’re having women call you. And it is just your way of manipulating me into taking more of this. It is your way to keep me around longer as your back up plan. I often choose not to see your manipulation games. I want to believe that you care about me enough to stop doing something that hurts me so bad. But you don’t, and I have to admit that to myself. You are trying to turn this around at me, as if you are some injured little puppy and I’m the one who injured you. No. Not this time, Brian. I’ve been your little fool for too long.

I am so scared and so miserable. Why wouldn’t you fight? How was I so wrong about this? I am afraid of starting over…of going back to Houston and trying to make a new life for myself, while such a huge piece of me will be missing forever. I don’t want to date again, and meet all those strange people that I don’t click with (that don’t ‘get’ my jokes, or that don’t talk the way I do)—they’ll all just remind me of what could have been, and for a little while, what was. I am afraid that the next guy I decide I like is going to cheat on me and hurt me, too. I will be a failure; a joke; a stupid little child who ran off to marry her sweetheart, but couldn’t hack it in the real world. And if it couldn’t work with you—the man who I really, honestly believed loved me despite all my flaws—it will never work. I am going to be a lonely old woman, and never get that wonderful family for myself. And even if I do ever meet someone else, I’ll scare them off because I’ll be too afraid. I am afraid. It’s going to be so lonely without my sliver of hope and my fantasy.
You just don’t ever think. You say I don’t talk? Well, you are never around to listen! And no matter what I say, you just ignore me and do your own thing, anyway. What’s the point? I was stupid to believe that you were man enough to realize that what you were doing was wrong. I was willing to stick by you as you got through this…I really thought you were going to try when we went to the marriage counselor. But, hell, we both are awake right now, with no obligations, and instead of being with me today to try to talk, you once again took off. You went to spend the day alone (so you say, anyway) instead. That is childish! And I am so used to it. This is why we can’t talk. I have tried a million times…if the subject was too tough, I wrote it and gave it to you. Did you ever even read those letters? Or were you too afraid that they might challenge some part of you that you don’t want to admit exists? And you get so mad that I make these insinuations—the ones about you stepping out on me. Well, if you were EVER being honest with me, instead of always lying, then maybe I wouldn’t be so accusatory. If you weren’t setting up **** dates with your cyber friends, maybe I wouldn’t be such a *****! If you weren’t spending most of your time with a certain female co-worker, and then talking to her on the phone longer than we ever talk, then flirting with her--which is more positive attention than I could ever even hope for from you--, and getting car rides from her all the time, and hanging out with her after work FOREVER..and insinuating threesomes when the three of us are together…and all the while doing this to me—all the lying, and the cover-up, and the ignoring….then maybe I wouldn’t accuse you of being with her! (Don’t say it’s some simple joke, either: If Robert or Jeff or Brad were to go to lunch/dinner with us, I WOULD NOT sit there and insinuate that there was something sexual between the three of us.) If you would sincerely apologize for one damn thing you’ve done to me, and stop repeating the same action (because—hello—you cannot be truly sorry if you do it again!!!!!!) then maybe I would let some things go. But you justify yourself! You sit there and say it was my fault! You try to beat me down to accept that and make me feel like some horrendous she-beast, and you try to act like you’ve done me some kind of favor by being with me.
This is going to hurt me more than anything I can think of. But I have to open my eyes for a change and admit to what I see: a very sick man who is unwilling to get better and who does not and cannot love me; a sick man who is trying to keep his little nursemaid around just as background noise—manipulating her into staying.
Why is this so hard? I know I don’t matter to you. Why is this so hard, then? I am struggling to find enough resolve to do this. Why did you have to be this way? God damn it, I wanted this to work! Honesty would have kept us from ever getting to here! What am I going to do? I am afraid I am making the biggest mistake, and it would be so much easier to just keep lying to myself and buying into your lies. But the pain is too much; I cannot handle any more. And you don’t care. Besides, you think that I am your biggest mistake. Remember that night in the beginning, when we were so in love—we were lying there wrapped in each other’s arms, giggling and giving each other ‘goodbye-lines.’ Do you remember that? It was such a joke then, that we would ever part. I was so sure of it, so secure. It’s all I can think about right now. It breaks my heart to give you one.
But you have always seemed happier when you were away from me. I am trying to keep that in mind. Each time you went TDY, you were a completely different person. Not this angry, depressed guy I live with. You were cocky and full of energy. You got angry with me when you came back, because I told you to stop being so flirty with Miller. You said, “excuse me for feeling good for once.” Well, here you go, then: your freedom. Go, and ‘feel good.’ Because your reason for ever being sad/upset/depressed/angry is leaving. So, I guess you’ll be completely happy from here on out, right? All of the sudden, playboy women are going to be pouring into your life and they’ll all want nothing but sex from you, and they’ll all be everything you want them to be—bisexual and wanting to share included. And all kinds of people are going to appear, and want to be your friends and they’ll all want to comfort you when you are sad, and they’ll want to do everything you want to do all of the time at your whim. And you can spend even more time getting your fix, because there won’t be anyone to stop you. Because no one will care. And you can just jerk yourself raw and stare at the glaring screen with the airbrushed women, and tell every willing soul in those chat rooms that you are now rubbing and licking on their bodies, and you can tell yourself that life is perfect. What an enviable life! And when you are an officer, counseling a young, married airman, you can tell him, oh-so-honorably, “it’s okay to be married, son, and still see other women. You don’t need to worry about anyone’s feelings unless they are men. Women are just commodities, son, to be used and consumed and then discarded.” And everyone will think you are so wonderful, and they will all want your life. They will want to be like you: cybering all day and night at every waking moment, even when they are at work.
Don’t try to say that I hate you. You know you don’t believe that. Maybe that makes you feel better about what is happening, and it helps you justify your extra-marital activities, but you know that it is not true. I will miss you, but not what you have been doing to me. Maybe one day, you’ll wake up and find something non-sexual to do. Maybe you’ll realize that there is more to life than getting the cum out of your **** . But I can’t wait anymore. I can’t keep hoping that time will come before you actually carry anything out, because you are—next Saturday, and God knows how many I don’t know about. That is the end of my patience. I know you told some woman online before all this happened this week, that we were separating, and that you were glad. I wish you could have told me that this is what you wanted instead of continuing to hurt me until I could not take it any longer. Well, here is your dream come true. I loved you with all of my heart, and it wasn’t good enough. Goodbye.

Love,

....afterwards, he said "you're right." I think I ruined my marriage or what chance was left at it with this letter. He "didnt know what else to say" and "I would never trust him again" and "counceling wouldn't change anything." 2 days later, after completly avoiding each other (or rather, the issue) we had a last fight where I tried to get him to go to marriage counceling, and he said he wanted a divorce. I kicked him out, moved out...and now, here I am.

E, I have read up on your story and I am so sorry to hear of your H's addiction.

Where are you now? Are you in a Plan B? Has there been any filing for Divorce on either side? Are you resolved to dv?

The letter is full of strong emotional stuff so your H will have reacted strongly to it but if you want this man then it can probably be overcome. Are you yourself in any form of IC or MC?

:: I'm really glad someone actually reads my posts. I KNOW they are long.

Rt now, I am spurratically taking my antidepressants....I don't want to, so I slack, but then I get really down again. So that's that. Here is where I come for most of my support...in finding other people's articles and reading that they have similar situations.

I really don't sit around all depressed. I think, even though I hate this- that living with my family has really, emotionally helped me. Otherwise, I'd be feeling the sting of lonliness even harder.

Nobody has filed, as far as I know. But we haven't even spoken since our seperation in August. And I don't want to. I know the day after I left, he was already online looking for more women. He updated his personals profiles all to say he was divorced and I know he was calling women that same weekend as well. I also know he still visits those sites. Just not as frequently, whcih makes me feel like maybe a lot of it was really me

Presently, I am full time in school and I work. In the meantime, I've been playing video games, reading and taking new, enriching classes. I honestly love that man, but I see now what a sick relationship that was...and how little respect I must have for myself. What an eye opener it is when you are away from all that.

I don't think I want him back. He'd have to do some seriously mind-blowing romantic stuff to even get me to consider it. And show me reciepts and progress reports from an addiction councelor AND a chaplain, AND a marriage councelor.

hm. I talk big. I wonder what I'd do if he were persuing me. Probably be an idiot.

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: Epiph0ny ]</small>

Epiphany, you said one thing that blew me away:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think I ruined my marriage or what chance was left at it with this letter. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your statement told me you still are clinging to the hope that your WH - and yes, he is as guilty as anyone who indulges in physical adultery - will return to his senses.

IMHO, you need to get that thinking out of your head. It sounds from your posts like you haven't had a M in years - your WH has abused your trust & love almost from the beginning. WH hasn't contacted you since August - he's happy, at least for now, with his choice to leave. Don't you think it's time that you move on too? Like you said in your last post:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> hm. I talk big. I wonder what I'd do if he were persuing me. Probably be an idiot.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm... yep, I think you probably would. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> No offense intended - we're all idiots when it comes to our WH's whom we love madly. I know I sure was!

Epiph0ny, I feel for you but I think that it's time to stop clinging to a dream. Just my opinion. You know your situation better than anyone. But even though you bring up all these instances where your WH shows that he still loves you, the truth is he's not willing to do what it takes to have a good M. You're absolutely right about his needing counseling. But understand that he needs it even more than the both of you. Until he realizes he has a problem & wants to commit to you, there is nothing you can do. So how long are you going to wait?