I was inspired by a posting by EC today. He said that what he wished that a wayward spouse would say givein the situation. So I thought that I would start a thread about what I wished my wife would have said, not necessarily to keep the marriage, but just to do this in a manner that at least I could respect her decision.

Husband,
I am sorry that we have given each other such pain lately. I know that neither of us wanted to hurt the other, regardless of the circumstances. I am sorry for my part of our marriage's demise. I know that I was an integral piece in our situation in all aspects and that you did not act nor react in a vacuum. I understand that although I started to become unhappy with our marriage and you, that you did not feel the same way. I am sorry for the pain that my leaving must make you feel. I understand the feelings of pain, rejection, and anger that my betrayal caused. I understand that no matter how I would like to minimize my affairs, no matter how much I would like to justify them, no matter how much I would like to blame them all on you; I realize that they were my choices to make, and that not only do I have to live with the consequences, but you and our wonderful boys have to live with the consequences of my actions as well.

I am sorry that you feel trapped in a city and job that you never wanted. I am sorry that your career has been so extremely altered. I wish that you had the perfect job in the perfect location. I am very sorry that you will not be able to have that because of my choices. I know that you could, but that it would mean that our boys would not be with their daddy. I know that the thought of leaving never crossed your mind. And for that, I am proud of you as a father of our children.

I am sorry that I lied to you. I am sorry that when you were working on trusting me, but still had difficulty, that I couldn't accept that as being good enough for the time we were in. I wanted to be able to just never think about what had happened, because whether you believe it or not, I was very, very sorry for my behavior. Even though I know that I chose to do what I did, I was so very, very sorry that I had done it. And by you being unable to just 'forget' that it happened, I hurt each and every time you hurt. When you felt bad, I felt worse. When you hurt, I bled. When you felt angry, I couldn't allow myself to feel angry at me, so I lashed out at you. I was wrong, and I am sorry. I am sorry about lying to you again, at the end. I know that you asked me if there was another man several times, and that I said "NO". I know that finding out that there was another must have hurt you terribly. For that I am sorry.

I am sorry for attempting to retain full custody, even though I know you are a great father. I know that you love the boys more than anything in this world, and I was frightened that I would not have enough finances to survive. i am sorry for not taking the time to read about child support, and assuming that it stopped when I remarried. I am sorry that in an effort to survive, that I felt it necessary to do things that even I know are not right.

I am sorry for assuming that you would do things that I would do in your place. I am sorry that after 14 years of knowing you, that I still find it hard to believe that you will always try to do the right thing regardless of the law or popular opinion. I am sorry that I have such fear about my future that I feel that I have to attack you to get support from you. Even though you have given me no reason to believe that way. I am sorry that I feel terrified about what my future will bring, and I am sorry that we don't agree on whose financial responsibility my future belongs.

I am sorry that I couldn't help you to see that I was unhappy. I am sorry that what I thought was obvious, to you was obscure. I am sorry that when I thought you were disregarding my feelings, you were oblivious that I was having trouble. I am sorry for never just sitting down and telling you how I felt. I am sorry that I never took your hand and said that we needed to talk.

I am sorry that I disregarded the very real changes you made in your life and in our marriage. I am sorry that I can see so much positive change in you and our marriage, and it is just not enough. I am sorry that I can say "I never thought we could be so happy." "You are 100% better, (and I know that you don't take the percentage as fact, just effect.)" And that for you to hear these things makes it just that much harder to understand. I am sorry for the confusion that these statements create when you look at my actions. I can't explain my feelings, but just know that my statements are true, but they just don't change how I feel.

I am sorry that we do not agree on our Christian faith. I am sorry that you feel that what I am doing is without any sort of moral or Biblical grounds. I think differently and I understand that we may never see 'eye to eye' on this matter. I am sorry that you feel betrayed by the fact that I chose to attend church as a family, then decided that I did not want this family. I am sorry that you cannot understand how I can attend church and listen to sermons on Family and Divorce, and still think that what I am doing is right. I cannot explain it, nor do I have to, I just want you to understand that I am sorry that we view these things so differently. I wish you the best in your Christianity. I hope that you can accept and hope the best for me in mine.

I loved you once, even though you might not believe it. I really did. I don't know what happened, I really don't. I accept what I have done and am not proud of it. I wish that things were different, I wish that we had been different, I wish that I had done things differently. I know that you love me. I know that you do. I am so very, very sorry that I cannot love you in return. I know that you will always be there for the boys. And for that I am so very thankful. I know that you will do everything in your power to raise them to be fine men, daddys and husbands.

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Well, something along this line would have really taken alot of the pain out of our situation. However, the reality of our situation is that I am responsible for everything, and had I not been so horrible, she would not have been forced to make the choices she made. I have recently been blamed for 'encouraging' her to have liposuction. This is after listening to her talk about it for 10 years. I had always told her that I didn't think she needed it, and that I loved her body. Which I absolutely did without hesitancy. But since as we were trying to reconcile, I tried to change my views on a ton of things, and I told her one day, that if she wanted to have the procedure done, then I would support her. She jumped at the thought. Me, being who I am, started to research all the types and people best to do the job. That is just who I am, I have always tried to make sure that we got the best for our family in every way. How much more diligent would you think I would be when researching surgery on my dear wife. Well, now since I looked things up with such diligence, I have become the "reason" she had it, although she "was a willing participant". Hahaha, I just am flabergasted with this remark. She acts like I was Jim Jones leading all the 'willing, weak willed followers' to slaughter. I mean, even when I told her I would support her I didn't think she needed it. But I wasn't going to prevent her from getting it. I never said no, but I definitely didn't say yes before.

Anyway, this part is besides the point. I just wanted to put in a little bit of what I wished I had heard. Even a bit would have gone a long way. She only apologized for her last affair a few days ago. But she trashed her apology with a quick follow up, "Just did things out of order." Like she mixed up a few pages of a speech. Anyway, I have found this very therapeutic, I encourage you to post something that you wish you had heard.

Take care all.

What I would have liked to hear from my WH 3 months ago:
"I did you a horrible wrong and I want to make it up to you. I want to save our M, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes. That means giving up my mistress, going to MC, and committing myself to us."

Today I can honestly say the bar is lower - I no longer want my stbXH back. But I am still so angry and sad about what we threw away, and I would still love to hear this from him:
"I gave up on us before I ever gave you a chance. I committed adultery without trying first to save our M. I was wrong, and our Dv is all about my A. I am so sorry for lying to you & betraying your trust & destroying our dreams. I now realize what we've both lost, because we did once love each other so much. We could have had a wonderful M if I'd only realized it in time."

Something along those lines would go far to redeeming him in my eyes. Until he admits he was wrong, he will never be a man.

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

That's simple.

"Please let's work together to be a couple again and a family again".

just three words;

I love you. Thats all I needed to hear.

I could post what I would like to have heard, but in actuality I heard it and it was all lies.
I heard, "I still love you", "You're beautiful", "You're everything I ever dreamed you could be" and "We can rebuild our marriage, make it stronger, make it better".
Everything my heart longed to hear. It was all a lie.
Today, I doubt that I would believe anything.
How sad - how far I've come in such a short time. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

you last two are going to make me feel bad....

I would like him to say:

Words will never be able to tell you how much I hate myself for what I have done. I have spewed out so many lies and excuses and justified myself so very many times, I don't even beleive myself anymore. I know I said a lot of things that hurt you, but I was just scared, and I didn't want the blame to fall on myself. I honestly, truly ment those things I told you...that you are my sun and moon, that you make me a better person. I ache without you..physically ache for how stupid I have been and how much I have lost.
I don't know how I got myself worked up in this mess. But I know it was my concious doing at one point, and it just grabbed a hold of me and got out of hand. You see, my love, I know this now because of you. I woke up 2 months after you left and realized that you were not coming home...that you weren't buying my crap anymore. And it hit me. I started going to counceling...the only thing I knew to do that you would truly appriciate...if you were here to see it. I went to the addiction counceling that I saw now that I desperatly needed, and I was horrified and miserable at how I finally saw that I treated you.
This will probably strike you as odd, after I so adamently declared my hatred for marriage, but I went to marriage counceling. I can't believe the lows I took and the extremes that I blamed for my sickness.
I want to tell you this, and I understand if you do not want to hear it. It is part of a step program in my recovery, and the one I have been looking forward to the most. I am truly sorry for any pain I have caused you because of my behaivor.
I don't expect you to give me your love again. I just want you to know that you are a beautiful, exquisite woman who has grown so much more beautiful since I have known you. And despite any stupid things I said, that is the only truth.