What a mess I've made.

I've been married nearly six years to a man I couldn't have dreamt leaving a year or two ago. But now, I find myself giving it serious consideration.

My first mistake was thinking that love is enough. I went into marriage very well aware of his faults, but I thought that loving him, and him loving me, was all I needed.

Now I'm six years older and more tired and I want a break.

My biggest complaint is that my husband lacks responsibility. He sloughed off all financial and household responsibility on me, brought his teenage daughter from a previous marriage to live with us, and dropped most of the responsibility for that on me, too.

When bills come in the mail, he never so much as opens them. But he spends on himself without much restraint. He's had flight lessons and set up a darkroom in our basement (we're talking at least $10k between these two hobbies), but now I'm struggling to scrape up the down payment on a new car.

We both have jobs outside the house, but I'm the only one who has a job *inside* the house, too.

I told him over the years that the more he did this -- the more he abdicated responsibility -- the further it was pushing me away. Each time I felt taken advantage of, it wore away at what I felt for him. I told him this many times, but he never changed his behavior.

Then there's the matter of having a baby. Starting a family is the No. 1 goal in my life. He doesn't want to have any more children.

(To be fair, he has many good points, too. He's a tireless cheerleader for me and has never done anything intentionally cruel. I do believe he loves me, but I'm worn out.)

Then, for the last two or three years, our sex life went from 60 to 0 in no time flat. Turns out he has trouble with low testosterone. It's something easily treated, but he wouldn't take care of the problem, so our sex life withered.

So, a few months back, a male friend asked me out to see a movie. I swear to god, I only wanted to see a movie. My husband said to go ahead. Have fun, he said -- he even gave permission (!) to fool around. He said it took the pressure off him.

I swear I didn't set out to let this happen, but I did. Now this other man and I are head over heels for each other, and I'm not willing to give it up.

We've even discussed what future we might have together.

Given the odd way this whole thing started, both my husband and my lover know each other and know what's going on. Hell, they even *like* each other, to make it weirder.

My husband knows I've fallen in love with this man. He knows I don't want to give him up.

And now, after six years of ignoring my needs when I told him up-front what I needed of him -- now, he's gotten a clue. He says he can't promise to change, but he wants to try.

The thing is, I'm angry now. I'm angry that he only seemed to care when he thought there was a real chance he'd lose me. I fear that he'll revert to his old ways once my lover is out of the scene. I'm very skeptical about his willingness and ability to change.

It's not that I don't love my husband. I do. He is my best friend. But living with him is driving me nuts. I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life in a relationship like that, and I don't know how I can ever have a baby with this man.

God help me. What do I do?

I can relate to your first part, but definitely not the second.
I suggest you read all the concepts on this website, and really evaluate your life. After reading, it should help you clarify what you really want, and it's possible that your BF is meeting only some of your EN (emotional needs).
Read first, then come back with good questions.
Also, why are you on the D/D board, have you already made up your mind?

Since you ask the question 'What do I do?' I humbly suggest to you to think very carefully if you really want to continue being married to a man who does not want to father your children (your number one goal) and is financially irresponsible.

If you don't have any faith in your husband to change to the man you want and need, then do yourself and him a favor, and divorce, BUT if you do want to give your marriage one last chance, then you are going to have to jettison your lover (never contacting him again, ever) and commit to a plan of action using the MB principles in the Harley books 'His Needs Her Needs''Surviving An Affair' and 'Love Busters'.

It's unrealistic for you to expect that rebuilding the marriage can occur while your affair is still in full force. An Affair consumes emotional and physical energies that should be going to the marriage. But I must say that the longer you are involved with your lover, the less inclined you will be in staying married to your husband, until one day you will no longer want to be his wife and you'll leave him for good.

You have to decide what you want, your marriage or your affair. You can't have both because eventually your marriage will end and it may come about not from a decision you make but by simple default.

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>