I have not posted for quite some time, and I know not many here know me, but I need feed back if at all possible..

my ex left in nov 98, we were finally final this past summer, june 2002..

my daughter was 2 mths shy of 11 yrs old. and is now 15.. and being she became a woman, at 11, we have had our clashing here and there.. and "I" am the ultimate disaplinary, and set better morals and values and have always stick to them..

my ex on the other hand, has always caved in, being he lives with guilt, and some what sabotages all my efforts of keeping her in line, BUT all due to his absence..

Let me give you just a tad more info.. I was his second wife, and he has a son with his first wife.. (who is now 30) and he left his first wife, when his son was 9.. so he has never really RAISED a teenager.. and has always had complete freedom to all the good stuff us parents go through.. he has a girl freind, (when we dated I was the girl freind, that his son did not take a liking to, because he always brought me with him, and I had to talk my ex into spending time with his son alone from time to time) soooo now.. he is always with his G/F when with our daughter.

the thing is this.. I am not so sure about shared custody.. and I was wondering if any one on this site has tried it, or is doing it, and how is it going for them?? how do you feel the kids like it, or not.. another words, how are they adjusting to it all?? are they teens or little kids..?

BTW: my ex and I do not talk, or get along, very well.. and if we HAVE to talk.. it is ONLY in concern for our daughter, in which we do have two different opninons now, alot of the time, because he is a bit more care free, because he is FREE, and chose to do this divorce due to OW, (in which he is not with any more, she is still married, so he moved on to another woman) and so (to me) you could say he is a bit happier with the out come, then I ever was, or am.. so I`m sure my sadness to this senario, has effected my realtionship with my daughter.. she sees him smiling, and out and about and can AFFORD more.. she sees me sad, lonely, and depressed, more them not.. unfortunaly.. (I did love my ex more then life it self, so it has been a long hard road.. but thats another thread, all together)

so the situation is that now my daughter is asking to do shared custody, and I want her to be happy.. and not enforced not to, just for MY sake.. I have no idea how this will work out, I just wanted some opinions..

I thank you for taking the time to read my post.. and am looking forward to some feed back..

AV

My dear numbheart -
First let me say that I'm sorry that you are going through this with your teenage D. I have a teenage S and my XH and I have joint custody.

I know exactly what you are saying about the differences in discipline and rules. But, you also need to realize that your D is 15 and she should have some say in who she wants to see. She doesn't want to go and live with him full time, does she? My S goes to X's house (which he bought with OW in December) on Tues and Thurs evenings and every other weekend. When we figured CS this was part of the calculation. That is something else that you need to think about as it is very likely that X will bring this up if you do decide to do joint custody.

The nights that S is at X's is actually very relaxing for me. I have what I want for dinner, watch what I want to on TV. Just turn on the stereo and read a book, etc. The weekends are a little tougher but I usually try and get some exercise and sometimes visit with a friend or just go window shopping. You don't have to be with someone to enjoy yourself.

I never thought I would actually need that time to myself and was concerned about S wanting to live with XH because he had different rules and basically lets him do what he wants to on the weekends that he is there. I now realize that S seems to be just as happy at my house as he is at XH's.

I also do not have a good relationship with XH and keep any conversations to e-mail or written notes regarding only S. This was communicated to him just after the DV was final because I needed to do what is best for me and I found that communcating with him wasn't good for me. I like to think that he is no longer a part of my life but unfortunately as long as my kids are under 19, he will be a part of it.

If you do decide to do joint custody, I would recommend that you sit down with D and tell her that you have no interest in what is going on in her dads life and on the same token he doesn't need to know anything going on in your life or your house. I told S that I just needed to know that he was taken care of and fed at Dad's and don't care about anything else.

I hope this has helped some. I know each situation is different but you have to remember that he is still her dad and as long as they want to have a relationship and no one is in danger of physical or mental harm, they should have that relationship. In a few years she will be too busy with BF's and such that probably seeing her dad will be way down on her list of things.

Hang in there

I Had A Bad Dream,

I did say in my post that I want what my D wants, to make her happy.. She see`s her dad tuesday and thursday nights, for a little while, and ever other week end, loyally.. the week night, he drops her back off, when they are done with what ever they choose to do, which consist most night of just eating out sharing their thoughts, and comnig home, unless she needs something at the store, or wants to see a friend, or has a school function..

And my daughter already has a boy freind, in which I try to limit the time with, but ex allows her out with him on school night, when with HIM.. so you see.. I sometimes feel she is choosing this, NOT ONLY because she truly misses him, but also because he is alot more lienent then I.. and gets away with more.. also, he can BUY her more.. afford more.. and she is a tipcial teen, who see this, and manipulates the ex...

It has just come up that she wants to spend alot more time with him.... more then what was worked out in the divorce papers.. and she is going through some emotional times.. and I do feel this divorce has effected ME, so much, and although I have come around to full exceptance of my divorce.. she still saw and lives with seeing me, alone, and not so happy yet.. and I do say yet... because I have moved on, and live my life normally.. but do not go out alot, and "DO" try to keep her in line..

my D is a very agressive girl.. she is not shy what so ever.. and I do fear things going on, when "I" am not home.. I there for "AM" home more then I perhaps should be, to be here for HER..

something my ex does not have to do any more and did not the first time around with his first wife/son either.. he has always been care free, and of course that brings a totally different air between them.. seeing him smiling more often, not as much responcibility, and just "CAN BE" mr happy go lucky..

I can not go out with a clear concients knowing perhaps one of her friends, (which some now drive) may stop by when I am not here, even though the rule is no one aloud.... I guess I am just a super worry wart.. but I am all I have.. and although I have trusted her, (but not her freinds) as she gets older, she is going to exspand her horizons..

the point is.. the thought of sharing in her up bringing, may be good for all involved.. me, her, and the ex.. he may not take to it though, and this may back fire in her face.. and thats my other concern.. now he has some one, and they are use to this woman being able to sleep over, stop by when ever she wants, and now with my D around, things for the ex will change, and so might the relationship with D.. then what??

I want to thank you so much for replying to my post.. I truely appreciate any opinions I can get..

take care
AV