I would like to know how many people feel strongly about resisting the dating scene entirely if you have children under 18. Please let me know what you think about the idea?? This may be difficult to do, but I feel that resisting dating until your kids are 18 is a very noble thing to do..

I am personally not in this situation, but I just wanted input from all of you.

Thanks

PB-

I have 2 boys in their teens although they think their 18! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Been separted for a year and have not dated. However, I have a friendship that may one day develop into dating. I have not shared with boys about her as the reslationship is what is is. Should the friendship develop into anything other than friends I will certainly sit down with them and explain my intent to date. I beleive as children get older it is our duty and resposibility to create security in them by sharing what the appropriate age and maturity can digest.

I beleive the decision to date when you have children, no matter the age, is a function of not only how heathy YOU ARE but also a function of your children's own health and maturity (are you ready, are they? ASK the question...there are 18 yo's who are not as mature as some 16 yo's...age is less a factor than maturity.

As a christian man I beleive if you seek the Lord's guidance in prayer and scripture you can never ever go wrong. I have prayed on my present situation with OW and know in my heart the day will come upon quickly when I will share with my boys my intent.

Godspeed
S

I question why you feel it is "noble" to avoid dating until your children are 18. What purpose would it serve, and would it be best for both the children and the parent?

For personal reasons, I feel strongly the other way. Had my XW followed this rule, I never would have known my step-daughter. Not only has she brought joy (and a fair amount of frustration!) into my life, but I've been able to fill the role that her "real" father never wanted to fill.

My best friend (divorced with 2 kids) started dating a wonderful woman with 2 small children of her own a couple of years ago. They got married over the summer, and their new, blended family is a much better environment for all their kids.

As long as you put the interests and well-being of your children ahead of your dating agenda, I think the positives can outweigh the negatives for a lot of people...both children AND parents.

Divorce is sometimes unavoidable, even with the help of MB. It is a painful and difficult process no matter what your situation. Should that pain be prolonged by an extended self-imposed "exile" from relationships?

Hi Cjack..

I very much respect your opinion in this matter. I am a divorced, BS, without children and I personally feel that blended families are not in the best interest of the children. Case in point, how would you feel if you were 5 and your parents divorced and 2 years later you have a new family with 2-3 new brothers or sister who are now receiving more attention. Would you feel betrayed?? I am guessing that you would. It is my belief that 90 percent of blended families experience this situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cjack:
<strong>I question why you feel it is "noble" to avoid dating until your children are 18. What purpose would it serve, and would it be best for both the children and the parent?

For personal reasons, I feel strongly the other way. Had my XW followed this rule, I never would have known my step-daughter. Not only has she brought joy (and a fair amount of frustration!) into my life, but I've been able to fill the role that her "real" father never wanted to fill.

My best friend (divorced with 2 kids) started dating a wonderful woman with 2 small children of her own a couple of years ago. They got married over the summer, and their new, blended family is a much better environment for all their kids.

As long as you put the interests and well-being of your children ahead of your dating agenda, I think the positives can outweigh the negatives for a lot of people...both children AND parents.

Divorce is sometimes unavoidable, even with the help of MB. It is a painful and difficult process no matter what your situation. Should that pain be prolonged by an extended self-imposed "exile" from relationships?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Right on Shakespeare...!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shakespeare:
<strong>PB-

I have 2 boys in their teens although they think their 18! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Been separted for a year and have not dated. However, I have a friendship that may one day develop into dating. I have not shared with boys about her as the reslationship is what is is. Should the friendship develop into anything other than friends I will certainly sit down with them and explain my intent to date. I beleive as children get older it is our duty and resposibility to create security in them by sharing what the appropriate age and maturity can digest.

I beleive the decision to date when you have children, no matter the age, is a function of not only how heathy YOU ARE but also a function of your children's own health and maturity (are you ready, are they? ASK the question...there are 18 yo's who are not as mature as some 16 yo's...age is less a factor than maturity.

As a christian man I beleive if you seek the Lord's guidance in prayer and scripture you can never ever go wrong. I have prayed on my present situation with OW and know in my heart the day will come upon quickly when I will share with my boys my intent.

Godspeed
S</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by positivebryan:
<strong>Hi Cjack..

I very much respect your opinion in this matter. I am a divorced, BS, without children and I personally feel that blended families are not in the best interest of the children. Case in point, how would you feel if you were 5 and your parents divorced and 2 years later you have a new family with 2-3 new brothers or sister who are now receiving more attention. Would you feel betrayed?? I am guessing that you would. It is my belief that 90 percent of blended families experience this situation.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bryan,

I appreciate your response, but I still want to know why you feel that it is somehow more "noble" to avoid dating until your children are grown?

Perhaps I was also not clear enough in stating that the positives CAN outweigh the negatives if the parties involved put the interests and well-being of their children above their dating agenda.

In your above hypothetical situation, yes...I would feel betrayed if my mom or dad suddenly threw me into a new family and started to ignore me in favor of the "new" kids.

Obviously, that sort of situation should be avoided at all costs.

In my situation, my XW deliberately avoided introducing me to her D until it was clear that we were "seriously" involved. We didn't move forward with the relationship until it was clear that D was okay with me being around. I also made sure to ask her if it was okay that her mom and I get married...even though she was only 7 at the time. Although the marriage did not work out, I think that both myself and D are better off than we would be if the marriage never happened. I've got a great kid, and she's got the dad she never had.

In my friends' situation, they took about 2 years to "blend" their families together, working through their church counselors to make sure that everyone was on the same page. There have been some bumps along the way, but both sets of kids are better off now than they were when they were in separate families. They have a loving home, more people to draw support from, and more structure and security than before.

So blended/step families CAN be beneficial, if (and ONLY if) the parents put the interests of the children FIRST.

Let us also not forget that us adults have needs that cannot and should not be denied. If I were to follow this "not until the kids are 18 rule," I would have 5 more years of self-denial and loneliness to deal with. It would not help my D, since her mom is under no such obligation...obviously! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Would I be helping myself by applying this rule? One of the hardest things about divorce (for me) was watching my XW move on with her life. I've only begun to feel better and more healthy since I've started to move on with MINE. I'm divorced, and I'm not going to get back together with my XW, so why should I ignore my own needs and wants for the next 5 years? Will that be healthy? Will it help my D to see her dad lonely and miserable?

Mind you, I don't advocate rushing back into the dating scene right after a divorce. I took almost 2 years after my XW left before I opened myself up to the possibility of a new relationship. The woman I'm dating now took a similar amount of time. She's divorced, and has a 3 yr old D. If we applied your rule, I would have to say to her "well, you're a really great person, I'm very attracted to you...and I'll see you in 15 years!"

We're taking things slowly, but not that slowly!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think everyone's situation is different....for me, I would not want the children meeting different men and being confused. I would keep dates away from them until I was sure this person would stay a friend and be good for my kids, whether or not the relationship got serious. Even then, I would not introduce him as "my boyfriend", but as someone who we did fun things with....go fishing, to the fair, etc...to see how he interacts with them. Personally, I do NOT want to date or marry a man with children....although I love my own children, I tend to avoid helping with Sunday school, etc because I just plain get exasperated by other people's children! I just wouldn't be a good stepmom. However, for those who can do it, that's wonderful! I think a man who can love my children as his own would be a pretty awesome guy. Just my 2 cents......

A friend of mine's H left her and her son, age 6, for a new life with OW who he married.

My friend dated and eventually remarried 4 years later. Her son has a great relationship with his new step dad.

I believe her son welcomed the relationship because he saw his mom go through alot of pain. He was all his mom had- and he didn't really like that! It's much less pressure on him now that his mom has someone else in her life.

Of course the guy she chose is a lovely man who has built a good relationship with her son.

Anyway I see nothing "noble" about not dating post divorce. What are you teaching your kids anyway? Of course you shouldn't have a succession of lover coming in and out of your house through a revolving door.

But people need relationships and kids know that.

Good topic and, I think, dependent on alot of variables. The maturity of the child is important. Also the circumstances that caused the divorce, and what the child was exposed to.

In my case, my WH left home for several days 2 or 3 times before he left completely. Prior to that, he was aloof and remote to both me and my 16 year old daughter. When we were in our brief reconciliation period, he told her that her dad was back to stay, that he loved her mother and that we would be a family again. She watched us both very carefully and asked quite frequently if everything was okay.

When he left in November, he walked out and never bothered to call to talk to her, just left. I was left to explain everything, again. And I was a "basket case". Eventually, he did talk to her, but it was a little late.
Based on these facts, she has felt somewhat "disposable" and of little consequence at times. She covets time and attention. (Keep in mind, she's also the "baby") I have promised to give her both. When she asked her dad if he would promise her not to date anyone for a while, he told her he could not make that promise.

In consideration of her feelings I have told her that I do not intend to date anyone for quite a while. I also need to heal. She respects this. I did this, not as a noble gesture, not at all, but as something I felt she needs me to do. She needs to be number one in someone's life for a while, even if it is her boring old mother. Someday, I hope I find someone to love and who will love me. But I intend to take it very slowly. For her sake as well as mine.

JMHO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Bryan - I feel strongly that the age of the children is not the determining factor. IMHO, the real "readiness" of the individual is the primary determining factor with the readiness of children being important, but secondarily.

And ditto cjack - what's "noble" about waiting for a specific age of the children?

That said, I was scared $hitless the first time I introduced a "date" to my then 13 year old son. Leading up to this, I explained my anxiety to my date, arranged for this occasion to be a cookout at my home with my son present and involved, and explained to him ahead of time that this was a "date" date and that this lady was interested in becoming his friend and she happened to have two sons of her own, so look out! She knows about all the guy tricks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Well, it turned out wonderfully. She was perfect and my son turned on his charm and actively "woo-ed" her and she melted. I remember being sooooo relieved. I will be forever grateful to her for helping me over this hump. Ultimately, my son met her sons - we live within walking distance of each other - and although we no longer are dating, we see them in the community from time to time and we're all friends. The success of this first "exposure" has made it easier for subsequent dates and my son has been a tremendous supporter. I think the key has been the compassion and maturity of the women and my open communication and enlistment with my son. I am currently in a relationship with long term potential and I have continued the practice of involving my son when appropriate and the woman is similarly conscious of how important my son's "buy in" is to the success of the relationship. I couldn't be happier with the results.

I need to say that my son may have been more receptive to my dating because my XW, his Mom, was in a continuing relationship with OM and he (my son) may have craved that I develop a new relationship for my happiness.

Regarding "blended" families, I did not enter the dating scene with the idea of creation of a new family in the forefront. Dating and "family making" are not mutually inclusive in my book. Beer does not necessarily lead to heroin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Thanks Everyone... What I mean about being "noble" is having the best interest of the kids in mind...that is all.

I totally admire each of you! You all seem to have the right idea..

Bryan

I've read this thread with interest. My H left the kids and I when I was 8 months pregnant with our third child. My kids are now 5,3, and 1. I purposely took a year before I even considered dating. Then I met someone and casually dated him for about 4 months before introducing him to the kids. My big conundrum was I didn't want to date anyone that didn't like my children, but I didn't want to bring the children into it too early. I just called him my friend, and they accepted that.

The whole blended family thing scares me to death. I have such trepidation about step dads and step kids and how someone could really come in to our family and it all work out. It just isn't how it is supposed to be. And if I had a child with a new husband, how would that affect my three kids, especially when they go off for the weekend to be with their dad twice a month...It just seems like such a hard thing.
But the alternative of being alone for the rest of my life doesn't sound too good either. (Ok, maybe 17 years isn't the rest of my life, but it sure feels like it at this point!) I hope to hear more viewpoints on this.

Bryan,

What it sounds like is you don't want to date someone who has children from a previous relationship...

Personally, if me or the man I am dating were to hold this view we wouldn't date for another 16 years..would that be 'noble' nope...not at all..
it would be sad that we were both missing out on a wonderful relationship..

We both love our children very much..and would do whatever we can for them...but we also realize that "we" also have needs that are JUST as important as our childrens..and to deny that because we have children...in my opinion is not "Noble"-- it's more like a martyr

Kids as wonderful as they are...can not in anyway
shape or form meet most of the needs I have, and I don't plan on putting them in that situation, where they feel it's their responsibility to meet my needs..or support me totally emotionally..

Is it their fault things turned out the way they did...No, not at all..am I happy they like the man I am dating...You BETCHA!! would I end the relationship with him if my kids didn't like him..
honestly that depends..if it meant that they wanted to go live with their father...then YES, I would..if it was just something they were having a hard time with..then we'd sit down and talk and try to work something out...that was agreeable to all involved..we all realize they will one day grow up and move out..

And when my kids grow up they will most likely get married..and I may not like the people they choose to date and marry..I hope I do...but I can't say that I will..but, I want them to be happy...even if I don't like the person..because that is what's most important..and I hope to teach them that just because they don't like someone or I don't like someone, doesn't mean it's not okay for them or me, or anyone else to like that person...

Bryan, I am not sure why the question. It doesn't make sense. You are divorced and have no kids ? I am frankly intrigued.

I also disagree. I do not feel that it is *noble* to not date until the children are 18. I think it is plain stupid.

I feel that it is also performing an injustice to the children. I think that the children will be much healthier in a relationship whereby by both partners have moved on into healthy relationships and that the harboring of pain is largely over.

I think there is a danger in neglecting a child the love of a step-person, and I think that there is a danger in neglecting the BS the love of a new partner.

Neil.

I have two children from my second marriage, and had 2 with my first husband. I dated entirely too quickly, jumping into a relationship way too early, and paid the price for it. My second ex was never good to my older two kids.
I know now, i will not date for a long time, and don't ever know about introducing my boys (age 10 and 11) to anyone.

My ex (the second one) has been dating his new girlfriend since 3 mo. after our divorce, and from what i hear, has done lots of dating. My kids don't like the idea of him dating at all, and still don't want to meet his new woman.

I guess i just have a different view of everything the 2nd time around. I don't ever want these two to be hurt the way my 2 older children were. I was too stupid back then to realize what i was doing, and didn't put my kids feelings ahead of my own.

Neil..

Please read the Momof4kids response..that pretty much explains my viewpoint.

Porsche....

Just because I have no children and have a strong viewpoint on something doesn't mean that I have to keep quiet! It has been proven that kids being introduced to "NEW" families with other kids do not usually have their needs for bonding and the ability to have a healthy relationship with their biological parents met by the new family. It has also been proven that they feel withdrawn, lonely, depressed etc. more often then kids from an intact family.

P.S. why is your porsche for sale???

My x left 8 years ago. I've been divorce 4 years.

The first man I dated, my children did meet two or three times. There was nothing beyond friendship that they could see. And when I quit seeing him, they never asked any questions.

The man I am dating now, they have met several times. They know he is my boyfriend. They have met his children. He does not live in our city so they aren't threatened by this.

However, their father married again about 2 years after we divorced. Her children are grown and were raised by their father. Their dad is now wanting to cut back on some of the time he spends with them because she doesn't like children.

At this stage of my life, I don't know that I would want to date a man who had never had children. I don't know how he could cope with the stresses of gaining a near-teenage girl and a boy with learning differences. He'd be so delayed in his development in terms of what was required to be a role model.

From everything I have read, it is clear that children are rarely better off in blended families than they would be had their parent not remarried, and oftentimes much worse off. The only situation that is worse than that is when the custodial parent (generally female) allows a boyfriend to move in - a situation that is all too often associated with child abuse.

I strongly disagree that the adults "needs" are as important as the kids - once you have kids, their needs come first.

Nellie..

You are 100 percent correct! That is the reason why I posted this thread!

Take Care

Bryan