OK so now my exhusband has in his mind that I am brainwashing my children into not wanting to go and visit with him...I had a talk with his mother on Sunday and basically she told me that my kids have heard way to much and now my family is brainwashing them... For one I can tell you my parents have not even mentioned his name to me - I don't think they would be badmouthing him in front of them. I don't even talk to the kids about there father except - did you have fun??? etc..... So he being the 38 year child that he is - says ok well I won't see them until they miss me - or I get the they can call me to - they don't even know my number. And this man who had an affair left his wife of 15 years - two beautiful girls 10 and 13 - out of the clear blue - thinks that his girls should be fine with him disrupting their life - Now my question is why am I getting blamed from him - he thinks that he has done no wrong - because I got the house - he doesn't get paid until my youngest graduates - but I also pay all of the bills - so he believes that he is the one that has been screwed over. Is there ever any way to get through to the WS that yes you did a bad thing and yes you will be forgiven someday but you have to expect consequences - he has had me so screwed up for over a year - feeling bad for him - yes I feel bad he walked away from everything - we had everything - no he has nothing and from what I can see I have everything except of course him... I am trying to get over him - and have been contemplating dating - my girls want me to date - my divorce is final - When will I stop caring about his feelings - I mean I was the one that is hurt and betrayed - will he ever see that - I am also the one that had to come up with a compromise with the girls about visitation - I mean really am I ever going to stop being blamed for his wrongdoing??? Am I ever gonna be able to not have to fix everything that he has screwed up??? Has anyone dealt with this????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> will he ever see that? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, not until he gets out of the fog. You need to dissassociate yourself from these comments. He's hurt because the kids understand more than he believes, and they are acting based on their own knowledge.
But, for him to accept blame, he'd need to accept responsibility, and that is way to difficult.

Now, have your read Mom's House/Dad's house, or the Sandcastles books? Or any of the numerous books on how to Speak to your children about divorce. If so, lend them to him. I even gave H a copy, but I'm sure he never read it. Now amount of explanation would be understood by him, so don't even try. If you are truly following the advice given in the books, know that you are doing the best you can for your children, and don't worry about him.

Maw, you KNOW he has to have someone to blame - what else can he do?? Admit he blew it?? That will never happen. I deal with the same thing all the time and my kids are GROWN. He's still telling them it's all about me, what I did wrong, how everyone is wrong in perceiving him as the mean, cruel, SOB, he deserves to be happy, blah, blah, blah. He just can't say exactly what it was I did...
It's exhausting, demeaning and hurtful. It's part and parcel of the baggage of divorce, at least in my opinion. You also know that you have taken the high road and that has got to bug him. Can't someone feel sorry for him??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Be proud, be strong. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's just that your life is going forward and his is going nowhere.

maw,

The women are right. For most people, except those morally reprehensible, having an A goes against a persons core values and beliefs. He has betrayed you, betrayed your kids, but worst of all he has betrayed himself, his values, what he stood for and his own sense of right and wrong. Can you imagine how that must feel? No, neither can I because I didn't have an A. Taking the blame or responsibility for the choices he's made means opening himself up to the worst kind of shame and guilt he could ever feel. Blaming you and justifying his actions is a psycholigical self defense mechanism to protect himself from those feelings.

I know how you feel because I've been blamed for everything too. It pisses me off, but there's not much I can do about it. The best revenge is to live your life to the fullest and enjoy your children.

sad dad

Newly - I guess you are right - he would have to come out of the fog and I don't see that happening... I haven't read those books but I will have to go to the library and check them out. My kids know that he has really hurt me - and he just thinks that he needs to be happy somewhere else and they should understand - not happening....

Broken x 3 - He still tries to blame you to adult children - I mean really where is their brains - or do they have any - I always get the you knew I wasn't happy - but thats ok because you were comfortable is what he tells me - well duh aren't you suppose to be comfortable with your life - I always thought so - I will try to stay strong and focused - and you are right he has nothing... It is sad I just need to tell myself that it isn't my problem - I am working on that....

Sad Dad - Thank you - I know you have been through alot I have followed your story - and it amazes me that someone would do this to you or to anyone on these boards - I mean I tell my ex all of the time - just because I have the material things - they don't mean anything - the hell that I have been through the last year and 1/2 I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy - he always says yes I screwed up - but you know I don't really think that he means it - He really cannot face the guilt of what he did to our family - that is the problem - but somedays the blame just drives me nuts - I sometimes well actually for a long time wondered what it was that I did... I know it wasn't me - but I really want my kids to have a relationship with their Dad - so hopefully he will grow up sometime - Thank you all for your responses - they are greatly appreciated.....

maw,

I don't know how to do that quote thing, but you made a statement that hit home with me. "I want my kids to have a relationship with their dad"

I too want that for my kids. They had an awesome dad that was there for them when ever they needed him and now he's not there at all or very much I should say!!!

It took along time but finally I realized that I can't make that happen for them, that is their fathers choice. I did what I could, and he was doing nothing, so I had to accept that if he is to have a relationship with his kids he is going to have to do the work for it, it's no longer my responsiblity to help him be a good dad. It was sad and oh so very hard to watch my kids go thru some of that pain, but it was me that they turned to when they needed something!!!

It's been over 2 years since this started and he still wont admit that he is wrong or what he has done is wrong, and less then 6 months prior to this his sisters H left because of an affair, and I remember the converstation that my xH had with his BIL on how you don't do that to your family and the wife that you love.

All he can say when something comes up with the kids, is that he screwed up!!! Duh is all I say anymore to him!!! Why waste anymore words on him!!

Will he ever realize what it is he has done and how he has hurt those around him? Probably not!

Your question was how do you handle the blame? You put it back on him where it belongs, orchid called it double talk, or something like that.

from your post........
"- says ok well I won't see them until they miss me". You, ok when do you think that might be?

" or I get the they can call me to - they don't even know my number". You, did you give it to them?

It takes the blame away from you and puts it back where it belongs.

As far as him thinking you or your parents are brainwashing your girls. You, Mmmmmmmmm do they have a reason to do that?

Him being screwed by the house situation. You, Mmmmmmm I am sorry that you feel that way, that is too bad.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 24, 2003, 12:04 AM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

Dawn - Thanks the double talk might just be the way I have to go - But my husband was a little different - when he was at home - he really wasn't all that close to the girls - I mean he was their Dad - but he really had no clue what was going on with them - and I am not sure who's fault that is but - since he has left he has tried to throw a relationship at them and they are somewhat freaked... My oldest who is almost 13 says - "why do I have to spend quality time with him when he doesn't live here when I never did when he lived here?? " Ok good point - so they don't know what they are feeling but I think they think on some level he is guilty and trying to ease his guilt by being nice to him... I got an apoligy yesterday from him - he told me not to worry about it - he didn't want to fight with me - he didn't mean that I was brainwashing them... Ya ok - Duh also comes to mind - but you are right there is nothing that I can do to make them have a relationshp that is up to him... And hopefully he will realize that even though he left me - he also left them - and he has disrupted their life - What he doesn't get is it isn't about the material things - it is about a way of life - I am done trying to fix their relationship -- It is funny the thing that freaks him out is that when they come home from his house they tell me everything - believe me things that I don't want to hear - and when they go to his house they don't mention me at all - it is like they are protecting me - and he thinks that I am just pumping them for information.... Well I am going to try the double talk thing - and I am going to stop trying to fix what I didn't break -- Thank you for your reply.... Mimi