I am currently in Plan A and I am struggling. My situation with my W is that she has had an affair with my BF and has moved in with him and filed for divorce. We now have our house up for sale and have had an offer. Our realitor has had us signed papers together and she is showing no bad feelings about this and wants to see me move on with my life. She has not regretted her new situation with BF and wants to marry him as soon as divorce is final.

My question is how do I continue to remain in a pleasant mood when we are selling our home. How do I look at her calmly when she talks about marriage or divorce settlement. I dont bring up any topics about reconciliation or about our failures in our marriage. We have both said enough. I could use some advice. I feel the divorce process is winning out and she is getting what she wants.

I have a hard time with being "upbeat" for my children because of our situation. I pray to God daily not only for myself but for W and BF and children. I dont know what more else I can do. If any of you have any more ideas to help me in Plan A I would appreciate it.

The whole key to your problem is in your thoughts.

Our feelings come from our thoughts. If you want to change your feelings, then you have to change your thoughts. You see , when you are feeling happy, then you are thinking happy thoughts. When you are feeling down or sad, then you are thinking down or sad thoughts.

Most people are addicted to negative thoughts. We somehow automatically look at the bad. We then wonder why we feel depressed. It is because we are thinking depressing thoughts.

Wisdom is the greatest virtue. The wise man looks at the good and finds the good in all situations.

So if you really want to be happy, start finding the good in all of your situations.

For example: Why not start telling yourself that now that you are going to be single, that you are going to enjoy your freedom. The world is full of pleasures. There are thousands and thousands of sweet wonderful women out there who would love to have a man like you.

No, we don't want to do that. We continue to want a person who shows us they don't want us. We are addicted to pain. If you want out of pain, then stop doing the things that cause it.

Look at the good... Make it a habit.... Picture yourself as a happy person....

Start using your head, and tell yourself that you are a calm, relaxed, happy person. The feelings will follow........ It will change your life...

Be happy just the way things are....

FAA,
I saw your post in Tough Love but there isn't much traffic there on the weekends, so I thought I'd post here. I have also read some of your other posts, and am just a little confused (and I'm sure you are too -I know you feel kind of lost right now with your situation.) Are you seeing a counselor for yourself and/or your marriage? You can gain insight that way even if your WW doesn't attend the sessions. And has there been any discussion between the two of you regarding custody of your kids?

I don't know that you have to be "upbeat" 24/7 for your kids. It doesn't hurt to let them know a little of how this is affecting you (up to a point, of course, without overwhelming them). You need to remember that your WW does indeed have a head start on assimilating what's going on, since she is controlling things right now by her actions and has much more time to plan her emotions. But I really suggest having a sounding board in addition to the MB discussion forums. A counselor, pastor, etc... would be very helpful.

Remember, what you're going through is normal, in an albeit abnormal situation. Don't get discouraged!

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Thank you for the replies Keepmvn4wrd and Avondale25. I am in counseling and have joined a Divorce care group from a local church. They also have children therapys so I am setting up something for my 8 and 5 year old.

We have shared custody and with my work schedule, I get to have my kids 15 days a month. That means I see her and her BF at least 8 times a month along with phone calls from her about the kid's needs.

I get so fustrated because she shows no remorse about my feelings... as if this was what she has invisioned to happen. What I mean is my W has always found my BF attractive and caring person and now that he was able to show her the nurturing and caring to her... she took it and never looked back. We never talked about marital problems or saw counseling. She just had the affair and after I found out she moved out and served papers. Now she is in such a fog it's sickening because she shows no feelings about what she has done.

I told her that I am in counseling and I want to put the kids in counseling. She said "go ahead". It concerned me because she didn't see how they were hurting. She just looks at it as an adjustment phase and the children will be able to adapt. I can't take full custody because the children do love their mother. My W is so caught up in the fog that she doesn't see who it's affecting.

That's why it's so hard to keep an effective plan A going when she keeps flaunting her new happiness. They say affairs last only 6 months but the fog is so deep in her I dont know if she will ever wake up. I told her that I will pray for her daily and hope that God can work through her. She just said thank you. "This has been a stressful time." then smiles and leaves.

I also pray that God will soften her heart so that she can see those people who she is hurting and continue to hurt. I hope that our paths will cross soon and we can reconcile. I still love her dearly but I cant smother her with anything or she will just pull away.

I'm seeing my group on Tuesday and also have read numerous books and threads about what has happened. Every one of her converstations is almost verbatum from these books. I just still cant believe this is happening. I know now that I was in a fog in our marriage thinking everything was ok when it wasn't. But now in her mind it is already too late. So the kids and I are left with the fallout.

HI FAA,

Keepmvn4wrd has a point. The problem is in your thought process. Right now your life is being ripped apart in every direction…you have every right to be depressed and upset. One thing you can do is keep from letting you thoughts drive you down.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy - Look Inside Book Link

One book that helped me was “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by Dr. David Burns...its cheap. I think everyone can benefit from reading this. It uses a process call cognitive therapy. According to this book there are 10 cognitive distortions that bring us down, like All or nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions, discounting the positive, reading minds, magnifying the negative, etc… This book helped me modify my thought pattern and stay on a more even keel.

God Bless,
Derrel