To divorce or not to divorce. This question is making me a crazy person. How do you know if you are doing the right thing? I have been with my husband for 25 years. He came in one day, said he needed time and space and without any hesitation, left.

He's been gone for 8 months now. He has gradually taken his clothing and personal items, but everything else is still here. He is staying here and there, sometimes with his twin brother (recently separated from his wife) or he stays with friends. Sometimes he even gets a room for the night.

This all came as quite a shock to me, as I didn't know there was a problem (still don't). I thought we were relatively happy. A little bored perhaps, but happy.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I filed for divorce November 1st because he wouldn't come back home. He stopped giving me any support, financially or otherwise and he spent practically all the money we had before I could stop him! He calls or comes by about once a week for no apparant reason. He says he can't find any work and I am here paying all the bills.

He really hasn't given any explanation for this behavior. If there was someone else, I think she's gone now. He says he still loves me and that he always will. I feel the same about him too. We are both tired of fighting about this sudden departure and why it happened and where we are going and all that stuff. I'm not happy and he's virtually living out of his vehicle. He'd probably come home if I'd let him but he doesn't have a job and how can I be sure he'll stay?

He has always been a hard worker, a good looker and in general a pretty good husband! Am I rushing this divorce? Is he gonna straighten up? Somebody tell me what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!

My opinion is you should try and talk. Don't go the divorce route if you can try not too.
Make him sit down with you and truly talk about why he feels the way he does. What is it that made him feel he had to leave. Make him talk to you.

Sometimes in life I feel we get too bogged down with life, work, children and we forget who our best friend is. Life overwhelms us and we forget the little things. Loving each other.

Talk to him.

LwH, thanks for your reply. Just talk to him is great advice. I would love nothing more than to talk to him, but how can I make him say what's on his mind and in his heart? I don't think he knows how. He's kept everything bottled up inside for 25 years.

I think he left because he wasn't happy. It has taken me 8 months to come to that conclusion and that's pure speculation on my part. When I ask him to say how he feels, there is only silence. How can I get him to open up before it's too late?

We are both 46 years old and we don't have any children. After 25 years he's all I know and all I've got. He doesn't even call to check on me. I just don't know what happened.

p,

That must be sooooo frustrating (&hurt) to not know what is going on!!!! I would suggest a session with Steve or Jenifer as they have had a lot of experience and can help focus on a direction to take. Unless you need to protect yourself, take your time with the DV or don't do it at this time. Wait until you get an unshakable feeling that it's the right thing to do.

Everyone who had been thru this before me told me I would know, and that's exactly what is happening for me. Right now, I just know. It took a while, but I kept praying and asking God for the right direction & He leads me in the direction I need to go. For me, I have determined that I really need to file to protect me and the kids (WH has cocaine problem) This will protect us from future damage. Believe me there already is enough.

D.

I'll agree with WillGetThru. You'll just know, without doubt in your mind.

But since you still love each other there is great hope for your M yet. It does not sound like you are wanting to date or exclude him from your life.

First question that comes to mind is if you live in an area of the country where unemployment and car living is a norm? I do, so I wonder if your H picked up on that attitude.

Where does your H keep items he took? Does he consider himself homeless? Did he give any clues at all before he left? Resenting work, resenting a material life style?

I'd also think about some serious depression on his part. Has he ever been depressed or manic in any way?

To what extent do you support his non-working lifestyle? Maybe you would feel better if you were more protected from his financial choices.

After 8 months it sounds like you may have trouble talking with him on your own. Would he consider counseling? Maybe all he wants is a simple lifestyle without the big mortgage, car payments, and buy, buy, buy?

Then again, it may all be the infamous fog or post affair funk.

His current lifestyle says "I exist" and that's all. He has thrown himself and his life away.

Maybe you have answered all these questions, sorry if so. Just seems like you need a plan for yourself of small steps, as opposed to the giant divorce step, especially considering your love for each other.

IS

Everyone is so nice. Thank you so much. I really don't know what to do. We have never been apart in 25 years. It's like someone else has taken control of him. He has always worked and so have I. Even when work is scarce around here, he has a job. He has always taken care of himself and his responsiblities. Really. He's the kind of person who helps old ladies cross the street.

I have no way to call him. It's like he vanished into thin air. He went underground and occaissionally comes up for air. Days go by and I don't hear one word from him. I don't know where he is or how to contact him.

My family says I need to protect myself and everything that I've worked for the last 20 years. While I do agree, they just want me to be happy. All the divorces in the world won't make the frustration of not knowing what happened and the loss I feel from being left alone go away.

If he's depressed, I'm 100 times more depressed. At least he left because he wanted to. This situation has been forced on me and I'm feeling very discouraged, very alone and very scared of what will happen next. I don't know how, much less why he could leave me, our marriage, our home after 25 years! I really need some help finding some answers. It's cruel and punishing, what he's doing. There has got to be some explanation. Will counseling help me find the answer??