Brand new to this forum. I don't know all the board lingo, so bear with me. Married to my highschool sweetheart, almost 9 years now. 2 children, ages 2 & 5. Stay at home mom happily caring for the kids since oldest was born. Husband works away, usually 5 months out of the year (not at the same time). I am a christian, he does not believe in God - has been a struggle for most of our marriage. A year ago he told me he had an affair that lasted 3 years and he had a son that was 4 months old. Through counselling, he immediately ended contact with this woman, however, we do pay $600/month for a child we will never know. Obviously, her plan was to entrap my husband into leaving me and the children, and it backfired. This has been a year from hell. He softened his heart to me at the beginning, I felt he was truly remorseful. We have not had a good three months or so, I believe he struggles with depression and takes alot of his anger out on me (saying things like I have done nothing for the marriage, I will never trust him again, he feels trapped). At the beginning of this, when I made the decision to work on things, we had agreed that at some point, we would re-new our vows. He now takes that back, saying that if God is involved in the vows, he will not be willing. My heart is broken, but have no more tears to shed. He is a loving father, a hard worker, but I believe his mistakes have ultimately led to our demise. He has been gone for 10 days working away, and I do not trust him (he worked with the other woman, she now works for a different company). He has now made me miserable to the point that I will be the one to file for separation, hence, making me the "bad guy". I don't know what my life will be like, I have never been with anyone else. I feel strong enough to care for my children, and make them my #1 priority. I am saddened by the thought that he has so destroyed my trust factor, that I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I have a strong circle of friends and family (which he sadly, does not), and God's grace to get me through this. Thank you for letting me tell my story, I had never done so. I will update once things are finalized, I'm sure I will need to vent again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Jillian,

Welcome to MB. Unfortunately, right now, I have no real advice for your marriage. As for you, I'd say, right now, work on yourself and your happiness. Find some things you love to do. You don't have to make a decision today, so don't make one, just get strong in all areas; spiritual, mental, emotional, etc. Find your own happiness and confidence within yourself.

Take care,

ANNA