On 1/18/2003 my 13 yr marriage came to an end. Not in the legal sense, that's still to come.
Our marriage has always been difficult, more down than up. Several stints at marriage counseling, which didn't work. The last two years I'd been working very hard at this marriage and it seemed as though she'd given up, no longer interested in it or me, yet still I tried because the alternative was too horrible to imagine.

But here I am.

She had spent the entire day writing a long letter to someone - I knew it wasn't just a "friend", just had a sick feeling in my gut that told me otherwise. Every time I got near her, she'd make an excuse to move away so I wouldn't see what she was writing.

I tried to ignore it, but couldn't. So I went looking for it later that night, hoping I wouldn't find it, but I did. My heart pounding, mouth dry, shaking...I read it.

At first the words didn't register, as if my mind refused to comprehend, still in denial. I don't remember most of the words, just some of them, "...love...", "...get married someday...".

Inside, I knew my life as I had lived it was over. Numbly, calmly, I walked down the stairs to where my children (my God, my children...my children...God help me...) were laughing and playing while I walked past them with this letter towards my stbxw, lying on the couch while dinner simmered.

A perfect little family...

I dropped the letter on her, and walked away. She followed me up the stairs and we sat on the bed. She had that "I'm about to rip your heart out but I care about you" look on her face.

More words. "...for a long time now..." "...can't do this anymore..." "...nothing happened but I can't help the way I feel about him..." "...not the reason this is happening..."

I cried. Hard, painful, wrenching crying, burying my face in the pillow so my children wouldn't hear their dad. I could hear them laughing as I sucked in gasps of air, trying to gain control.

She had been planning this for a long time. She's been in school for the past 1.5yrs and wanted to wait until she finished and had a job to break the news to me. I guess I upset the schedule by several months.

We're trying to keep this a dissolution as opposed to a contested divorce, but she's being very stingy with the sharing of custody. I still love her, but I realize that it's over. I have to accept that.

She seems almost happy, methodical...cold...hushing me if I start to cry when I think about how I took my children for granted sometimes, how I will miss them running to the door when I come home from work, "dad!!!"; I was often too tired to appreciate it, and now no one will be there when I come home...God forgive me...I'm soooo sorry...I never thought...

I'm Going To Be divorced.
My Stbxw Is In Love With Someone Else.
Lawyers.
Custody.
Division Of Marital Assets.

I'm starting therapy this Tuesday. My friends have rallied around me, but I feel so hurt, empty, alone, afraid and ugly. stbxw had months to prepare for this, to cultivate her social life, and start an EA. Yes, I'm jealous. Who will want an avg looking 40yo man?

Sorry this is so "down", but that's how I feel right now. It seems like everything went black.

I'm looking for light. Please shine some my way...

((((((Black))))))

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear to goodness that I could of pretty much wrote that excact scenario about two years ago. My, then wife, went back to school and fell in love with her teacher, almost 20 years her elder.

Well, you did pick a good place to come to, the people here are life savers.

Best of luck to you....

Felt the pain, gut wrenching pain in your post. Please tie a knot and hang on. This is so difficult. Facing something that you never, ever thought you would come face to face with. I understand the pain of finding that kind of correspondence. Numb, shocked, disbelieving only begin to describe it. It probably only is beginning to register and even then, it doesn't really.
There's nothing I can say except - we're here for you. Post, vent, cry. You'll find lots of people who know only to well how you feel.
Praying for you.

itb,

I am sorry that you are here!! But here is a good place if you have to be in your situation!!!!

Couple things that I would advise first.

Write down what it is you expect from this dissolution, ex. custody, furniture, car, which bills you will accept so on, then write down the ones that you are willing to negotiate and those that you are not.

This gives you an idea of what you are going for!!!

2nd, DO NOT move out of the house or a way from the girls. Do not assume that custody is hers!!!

Talk with a lawyer, so you know where you stand on things in your state!

If you are not wanting a divorce really don't make it easy for her, but don't make it hard either, what I am saying is make her do the work for the divorce, but get yourself informed, in your fragile state knowledge is strength!!!!

As said by others, come here vent, cry, question, we are up for most anything. Go thru the site and read everything that you can, like I said knowledge is strength!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey Black, you are not alone, my brother. In fact, many of us here can pretty much tell you exactly what to expect. But don't even think about anything now.

Here's what I want for you:
--Take care of yourself and your children.
--Know it's ok to still love your wife.
--Know she is in fairytale-land right now. It
is a very temporary state, and the chances are extremely great that if you play things right, you will come out on top (meaning she will realize she made a huge mistake).

It's perfectly fine that you cried up a storm on finding all this out. It's erfectly fine to cry anytime. But here are some things maybe you should try to do ( or not do)

-- try not to break down in fron of her too much.
Tough order, I know. But you must remember that she has had a huge jump on you to get all of this into perspective(her perspective, albeit). So she will, in her foggy frame of mind, perhaps view you with contempt. She will be cold. She will be heartless. You are not her focus anymore.

Don't despair about this, though! She may be winning small battles, but not the entire war. The entire war will play out for years and years.
Believe me, you will get your redemption and your
justice, and maybe even your wife back. I personally hope you get what you most dearly want, but not exactly right now. Because you will say "I want her back", and she is totally incapable of that right now.

--The kids will know, and I mean really KNOW, what's up. They will miss you and contemplate why they are in the position they are. Don't smother them with reasons and accusations. It will be much, much more significant when they find it out themselves.

--Don't let her little opinions of you and the marriage alter your perception of yourself. You are worthwhile and just as viable as you ever were.

--Get ready! I mean, really, really ready for a long, cold winter. She'll be on "vacation" with her new love while you suffer. You will be in Siberia while she is in the Carribean. Don't even compare things right now. She's frontloaded her situation. She's eaten her dessert before the meal. You'll get your dessert at dessert time.

--All things even out in the end. You will see this. You will get yours. I guarantee it. Nobody plays without paying.

Try to stay steely. Be Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry. The stronger you remain, and the more you behave as if it all washes right off you, the more she will take notice. Be happy, accepting, and make yourself as attractive and mysterious as you can. Maybe even let her think you are getting out a little bit.

It's amazing how these things work! We will be keeping an eye on you, black.

All:

Thank you so much for the kind words. I'll need to lean on you all for some time, I imagine. I visited a friend tonight who himself just went through a hellish divorce (they were mutual friends of ours, how ironic) and I was amazed at how well he is doing - he is now my role model.

He advised me to try very hard to go dissolution rather than divorce. Stbxw has tried to buy me off by letting me keep most of the assets, including the house. I need my kids. If there's one thing I now know, it's that. And I feel I can't begin to heal until I have an agreement I can live with.

I refuse to be marginalized or just "uncle dad". I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage and as a parent. But I love my kids and they love me. My 10yo and I are soul mates - I'm terrified of what this will do to her, she's very emotional.

My friend and his WW used a professional mediator and he gave me her business card. Let's see how it goes. Please, God...

Hugs to you all.

Black-

I'm sorry about the circumstances that bring you here but you've come to the right place for support. There are some great people here who can help you along every step of the way. Your story line really hit home with me, especially the part about your WW hushing you when the tears come. She's deep in the fog but she'll come to regret alot of her actions when the skies clear. Take a look around these boards and most of the WS's will tell you how much they wish they could turn back time and undo the A. Take the others advice and try to get that determined demeanor going. It takes time but make it your goal. Just one question with regards to the kids: Have you spoken with a attorney about how state law regards adultery? The reason I ask is because this could have some impact on the custody situation. Good luck with all of this...

Black --

Your post has touched every one of us. So many of us have been where you are, some of us are there right now, but your words have moved us all. We feel so badly for you and know all too well what you're going through.

You've already received immensely sensitive thoughts and advice from these posters. I'll add my support and understanding to theirs. This board has saved many a life and you are exactly in the place you need to be to get some wise and empathetic sustenance.

You feel totally devastated and lost now but please remember that these things look and feel bleakest at the start and that each day you will emerge from this darkness a teeny bit more. Hard to see that, but it's true. Read EasyE's post again--lots of wisdom there.

You must hang in there for your children, for yourself, and yes...for your wife (she needs your stability even though she doesn't even know it). You can't see around the corner. Please post again and let us walk this path with you. We're here for you...

Ammon

My personal suggestion to you, ITB, is to read all the material you can on this site. I realize it seemed geared towards saving a marriage, and you perceive yours as being hopeless and over - but I recommend still following the Harley methods (i.e. Plan A, Plan B, divorce) for 4 reasons:

1. You'll feel like you did everything you possibly could. You get a chance to make amends for your failures - real or perceived - with Plan A.

2. She hasn't closed the door completely yet. I know Dv is in the works, but it's not final, and the fact that she felt a need to delay running away - is a sign. She could run away any time she wants - so maybe it does show what she'd really want - you both!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

3. It's a chance to train yourself for the behaviors you'll need to fall in love and stay in love - whether with your W or someone else in the future.

4. If the methods don't restore your marriage, you'll have lost your love for your WW, and Dv will come much easier, less painfully (although nothing will remove the pain, for sure).

Just some things to condier.

To ITB,

My heart goes out to you and I understand the pain you are going through. I went through the same thing in 2000. What's happening to you is typical WS stuff. My Exww did the same thing as yours and was even going to school at the time it occured having multiple EA's at the time.

Here's a letter I discovered later after d-day but she never gave it to me, I found it, she still don't know I have it nor know about it. I'm sure it's along the same line as your WW said but probably different words. You hear a lot of her excusing herself from the relationship and telling me I should move on based on her own reasons, this is her departing letter. At the time I knew something was happening between us but I thought it was typical marriage stuff after so many years (18). I didn't know I was having trouble because an A was happening?. I was like you, totally surprized, in the dark and stunned on d-day. At the time of this I was just getting her to participate in a book and study about the love language in marriage and relationships, I was madly in love with her and crazy about her every minute of the day, that's why you get the question later "are you tracking me?"... you're just doing what you always did, now all of sudden you're a stalker.

Letter:

Well, we're faced now with a decision. We know it would have to be made. No surprise to either of us. You're right there is no communication, a lot of distance. Lets not pretend anymore. I don't want to fight. No one in this house is happy. We're not teenagers anymore. We can no longer fulfill each others needs. I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time. I've expressed this to you on several occasions. You can't be happy either.

I'm not the wife you need. I feel awful because while I may have once been her, I've changed, and you've changed. With each effort I make to become her, I dislike myself that much more because it's not who I've become. We have different idea's about many things. It just shows we're two different people. Nobody's right nobodys wrong. So do we stay or do we go our seperate ways. The answer is pretty clear, and I'll be the first to say it. I feel bad enough I've made you so unhappy.

Believe it or not I hope you find that special person someone who can bring that joy into your life again. I want to do this quietly, calmly, and with as little impact to the girls as possible.

How do you want to work out child support for the girls. I rather do this outside the court system, if we could. I have no idea about what, how much, and how we do this.

Dad knows and is willing to help me out with whatever I need, including getting my stuff. I'm sorry and I don't know what else to say. I just don't think there's anything left to salvage.

The next question is how do you want to split the bills and household items...

End

*********

There's more but I wanted you to get the mindset you're dealing with, [no rookie]. Had I had this letter from the start I would have known what I was up against she was months and years ahead of me, it threw me in a tailspin as she proceeded with her actions and I didn't have a clue what she was dragging me through, she had it all planned out and was already detached from me. I didn't find this until 8 months later after d-day after going through some old papers.

So I would say work on you, Stay in the house, don't move but prepare yourself. We had everything joint [everything] I found myself forced to get my own Chk/Sav and other things, but she was moving along in her plan, I was just a puppet to her desires, but didn't know it.All her actions were based on OM(s).

When counseling took place with me, my counselor said don't beat yourself up, these A's and split is not about you or who you are, yes, you need to meet her needs better and work on you, but there's something deep inside her that's happening that you can't fix, matter of fact there's some things she made you aplogize for I'm going to have to reverse and say to you. I want you to take back that you told her and apologized to her that you're sorry for leading her to Lord and you gave your life to him and also take back that you said you're sorry you picked out a song for her to sing in church and everybody was blessed and demanded her to sing more at church because she was good, I'm sorry that's an apology you will not be sorry for, eventhough she resents that about you, its only a load of false guilt on your part and the enemy attacking you through her.

Exww had previous sessions, but the counselor and his wife knew the A's were the reason behind all this, I didn't even know what an affair was, I so was naive, thats why I didn't see the signs.

So hang in there pray, read and post.

ITB, I was glad to see your most recent post.

quote:
"I refuse to be marginalized or just 'uncle dad'".

Good for you!! I was glad to see a bit of your spirit showing through. This is such a difficult time and so easy to be made to feel the way your WW wants you to feel.

Stay strong - everyone's advice is so heartfelt and real. I always draw strength reading everyone's posts on this site. We are here for you and each other. Take care of yourself!

The words of encouragement here are awesome. I'm amazed at how many of you have had very similar experiences with the coincidence of a WS starting a career and divorce. It's funny how in some sense, we all follow similar patterns of behavior.

Today was a difficult day for me. No real changes, just had time to think about what lies ahead. It's too much to deal with right now, I'm feeling so many emotions that I can't sort them out.

It's like trying to comprehend infinity.

Sometimes I feel so angry at her. "You stupid, selfish, b**** - I hate you for what you're doing to me...". Other times, I just feel sad at how much I'll miss her.

But mostly, it's about the children.

Tonight it occurred to me that many nights, the children's rooms will be empty and will I be able to cope? Will I just lie on their beds and listen to the memories while my eyes well with tears?

Let It Be.

My girls love to listen to music when they go to sleep. And I come in and snuggle them most nights and tonight in my 7yo's room, Let It Be was playing softly while we lay together in the blackness, just holding each other.

I quietly wept while my daughter held me.

In some ways, being around the kids is more painful. It's like I want to detach...to try and protect myself.

So, tonight, WW asks me if "anything's wrong"..."are you mad at me or something?"
I can't think of any other thing she's said thus far that better illustrates how out of touch she is. It struck me as cruel and stupid.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day than today.

Thank you, friends...

Black,

I'm with you brother.

My wife dropped the D on me last night. I have never felt this much pain in my life. I can't eat, can't sleep.

We have been married for 5 years in April. Not another man, but a new life. I love my wife more than anything.

One thing I can tell you, is that I am going to find a way out of this. I am reading everything I can to find the right answers. I will do whatever it takes - however painfull it is, to get my wife back.

So, I hope you find as much solice in the insight here that I do. And just know, that you are definately not alone...We'll get through this.

WE HAVE TO!

Hi Black
Sorry you are here, but you are amongst friends who care. I just said a prayer for all of our Marriages to be restored and to remove OP out of our lives.

Purchase the book Surving The Affair By Steve Harley. Please read all the princials here on this site, read, read, and read.Don't be to quick to give up custody of your children be up front with them.

Do you still have a copy of the letter? If so give it to your lawyer in some states WS can jeorpardize loseing custody of children if adultry is involved. Find out what your options are.

Take the advice here, try as hard to be up beat start going out do things with friends. Be mysterious she will be drawn to your change.
Keep venting here if possible no crying around her.