Hi,

Three questions for those with Kids who have been through Divorce.

1) What's the best way to answer the question "I don't want you and Mum to divorce". I am getting this over and over since the Decree Nisi last week?

2) What's the best way to handle an issue where by one daughter wants to visit her Mum on the weekends but the other two do not? I seem to have them saying different things about going at the mo' and the one who wants to go does not want to sleep over on her own?

3) Finally any advice on getting some free time to yourself when the above is happening because I am not getting any at all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Best Wishes Neil.

Hi Neil

Not so sure that I am best qualified at answering this, but thought I might add just a few thoughts:

What I first think is interesting is that they don't want to spend time with their Mum, but neither do they want you to DV - it's sort of opposites isn't it?

1. I think they need reassuring. They probably feel that a DV may in some way change their stability and the status quo. I think you just have to tell them that you do have to DV, but that it won't really mean anything too much different from what's been happening now in terms of where they live and seeing you etc. It probably scares them, especially if they think they may end up living with her which is what she told them..

2. This is tricky. Clearly the whole OM4 business has really taken it's toll. Why don't they want to go, what has upset them? I think if you can find out more it may help, but as I say, it doesn't fit in with 1.

3. Babysitter (who could stay over, and you could get away), child minder, school pals - with parents who may be helpful if they had a sleep over and you could return the favour. You do need to find some recharging time for you.

Take care
Lisa

Porsche,

My girls didn't care to go to their fathers..but I "insisted" that they go..he is their father and no matter what happened with his and my relationship it should not effect their's

and that a relationship with him is just as important in their lives as a relationship with me...

I know many here will probably be upset that I
'insisted' that they go..even when they didn't want too..but I am their mom..and I insist they do their chores even when they don't want to...
but the point is...you need to encourage them to build a relationship with their mom...one that is seperate from yours..

If they don't want to stay the night and thats okay..you don't have to force that..let them build their relationship slowly..if they are scared..ask them why they are afraid to stay over night...My kids didn't feel safe with their dad drinking and were afraid he would get violent..
(he'd done that before) so it's a valid fear..
so I gave them a 1-800-abuse hotline number to call if they were THAT afraid...I explained to them that if they were in danger the police could get there BEFORE I could..that gave them peace of mind that they could call for help if they needed it..they haven't needed it--but they know they have some control over the situation...something they didn't have years ago when they were younger
and I was at a friends wedding..

Something else you can do is give them all the phone numbers you have in case of an emergency
so they can call you if they need to...and let them know that they can call YOU any time they want too..My kids called me every ten to twenty minutes to begin with..even the weeeeee hours of the morning..like 2 and 3 am...wanting to make sure I was still available in case they needed me...

It's calmed down now...and they don't call as often, they still call...just not every five or ten minutes...LOL

Being a single parent is just that..you don't get a break...unless you pay a sitter to take care of them...or have family close enough and willing to watch them for you..

Now, the "I don't want you and mum to divorce" isn't a question...it's a statement..they are telling you how they feel about the situation..
let them know you understand they don't want to see their parents divorce..let them know that sometimes--we don't have control over things that happen in our lives..

let them know you can't force their mom to stay married to you...no matter how much you love her.
and that just because she doesn't love you the way she used to, doesn't mean she doesn't love them and want to spend time with them...

Also let them know that no matter what...she will
ALWAYS be their mother..nothing will ever change that..

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Neil - Ok well I have a similar dilemma that I have been dealing with since my exhusband first left in April - My girls are almost 10 and 13 - and my oldest wants absolutely nothing to do with her Dad and my youngest is somewhat wavering on the issue also - And my ex is acting like the biggest child because his feelings are hurt because the girls don't want to be with him..So basically what I had to do was take the situation into my own hands and make a compromise that appealed to everyone - I told my girls you know what - he is your dad and even though he doesn't live here anymore he still is your dad and he wants to see you... See their father believes since we have the material things we should be ok - anyways so they were going to see him every Tuesday he would take them out to eat - he is still gonna do that - and then they were sleeping over on Fridays - they don't want to do that anymore - but I told them that they could sleep over 2 Fridays out of the month and when they didn't see them on Fridays they could see him on Sundays - and they all seem to be ok with that.... I have explained to them that it isn't fair to me to be with them every day - and that I deserve some time to myself - I have always been very honest with my children and I have told them that I love their father and that I didn't want the divorce and he did - so basically there really wasn't anything that I could do to change that fact. You know I want everyone to be happy and divorce is very stressful for everyone involved - but hopefully you will find a way for them to have a relationship with their mom - because more than likely it will be up to you - to keep it intact -I mean I don't think you can force them to go - but you can creatively let them think that they won in the situation a little bit... You know????Good Luck - Mimi

I have sat them down and spoken to them about it and have suggested that they do go and that if they don't want to be there then I will come and collect them. I don't see beyond that what else I can do. They are supposed to be going for whole weekends but it doesn't look like that will be happening any time soon.

It is my only chance to get out so I want them to go and yet also accept that their needs are more important right now. Hopefully the Family Therapy will help them come to terms with what is happening.

Lisa, I don't think anything per se has upset them this time around.

ThornedRose yes I have explained that none of us (bar WW) want Divorce but sometimes we have to do things we don't like. I used some analogies so that I think helped.

Best Wishes Neil.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Porsche 4Sale:
<strong>
It is my only chance to get out so I want them to go and yet also accept that their needs are more important right now. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do they sense that you want to be "rid of them" so you can do your own thing? Maybe your ex is telling them that.....mine did. He said I wanted them to be gone so I could see "all my boyfriends". Yes, I did keep busy so I wouldn't worry, and I enjoyed my freedom after 12 years of 24/7 parenting. Now, my ex refuses to see the kids at all....thinks he's "punishing" me so I can't go out....and he knows I can't afford sitters. But if you think of it, they grow up fast...in just a few years I"ll be able to leave them for a few hours while I go out....and it's well worth the wait! Be careful that you really are putting THEIR needs first!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Annavon:
<strong>Do they sense that you want to be "rid of them" so you can do your own thing?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No I don't think so. I do not talk to them about what I am doing on the weekends unless they ask. Normally I am around unless I go away to my Mum's. I have been away about three times since September separation but those things have normally had to be cut short.

I do not say "You have to go" or "I need you to go because I am busy" or anything like that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Maybe your ex is telling them that.....mine did. He said I wanted them to be gone so I could see "all my boyfriends".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think she is saying these things, the girls are open with me for the most part and they are not indicating this no.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Yes, I did keep busy so I wouldn't worry, and I enjoyed my freedom after 12 years of 24/7 parenting.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course, I need this space too which is in the back of my mind when they don't go because I don't get it. I'm lucky at the mo' to get a day every three weeks. It's a hard contrast to the loving family environment I used to have <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Now, my ex refuses to see the kids at all....thinks he's "punishing" me so I can't go out....and he knows I can't afford sitters.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry to hear that, I can't afford sitters either and I have trouble leaving them because I am worried about Child Abuse now too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Be careful that you really are putting THEIR needs first!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry you lost me here. I am putting their needs first and foremost. To the extent that I do not now have a life. The people who keep me going are the few friends who call etc? Have I indicated that I am NOT putting their needs first? Neil.

Neil,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do not talk to them about what I am doing on the weekends unless they ask. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe you should talk to them more about what you are doing, see if they show an interest in them?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need this space too which is in the back of my mind when they don't go because I don't get it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand this part very much, you do need your own personal time, and I believe your children will understand, but your personal time will have to revolve around your children to which you already know, so you will have to take it when ever you get the chance.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sorry to hear that, I can't afford sitters either and I have trouble leaving them because I am worried about Child Abuse now too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ditto here.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Be careful that you really are putting THEIR needs first! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometime's, Neil, your own need most come first, keep comunication open with your children and they will understand.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Drednosilence:
<strong>Maybe you should talk to them more about what you are doing, see if they show an interest in them?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I want them to have a good time with their Mum, that is important to me. I think that may be pulled if they know I am going to see there Grandmother, Aunt or Uncle.

Anyone else? Neil.

Another thing I am trying to resolve is the issue that YD is insecure going to bed and wants to sleep with me all the time. The twins are wanting to sleep together all the time also and therefore YD feels left out (at I think so).

She won't sleep in her own room on her own and either has to sleep with me or one of the twins. Any advice from you Mums on how get her back into her own bed on her own?

Have tried lying on the bed with her and patting her off (but takes ages and to no avail). Tried getting her to have the dog in her room - nope...

Any comments please? Neil.

Neil,

Everything that your 7yo, knew as safety, has been destroyed. She needs you as her security blanket, I wouldn't rush trying to change that.

Through the year after my D, all three of my girls went through times of crashing in my bed. Eventually, they felt the total security of my house and went back to their rooms. Heck there were times when I had all three of them in my room.

Anyway, I still have an open door policy at my house. And yes, sometimes my 7 yo crashes with me, sometimes it's my 10 yo, and at times it's my 13 yo.... I accept it as part of healing and bonding.

Bill did you move house post divorce? I dont want to do that but fear I may have to. I am also concerned about the impact of that if you went through that on your girls? Neil.

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: Porsche 4Sale ]</small>

my son dr. said all children want their parents back together. this is normal for children. our son didnt want to see dad, I didnt make him. son is at the age where he can make the choice to see dad or not. I do get blamed by X that Ive brainwashed our child. But my son is happier now that dad is out of his life. We went through the nightmares about dad coming after him, son would throw up after talking with dad. Grades went from honor roll to failing when X was in the picture. I would try to see why they dont want to see or be with mom. X & his parents were telling our son it was my fault for D. saying bad things that our son knew wasnt true. Our son couldnt handled it. X was also trying to get his child to accept OW as stepmom which didnt go well with our son. Talk with your children & see what the problem maybe.

m-17 1/2 yrs
me-48, x43
c-13, 29, 8 gd
d-5-02

ow-32
m-10yrs
c-3 under 11
d-7-02

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Porsche 4Sale:
<strong>Bill did you move house post divorce? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Neil,

I was able to stay in our "BIG" house for about 6 months post-divorce, then I had to down size based upon financial reasons. And yes, that definately was yet another disruption in their lives and blow to their security. But we worked through it together.

Bill

This is the issue I face at the moment. We have a lovely house that would be good for the girls as they grow - and its there stability now, but my W and I also have debt.

I can either take on the debt myself and the house and buy her out or we can sell up clear the debt and I would start a new in somewhere smaller. Its a tough one that because this is the home they love?

Thoughts? Neil.

Hi Neil

I would have thought you would be best to wait until divorce settlement is finalised before establishing if you have to move. maybe talk to people about remortgaging etc too?
Re YD sleeping with you-she is only 7, she still needs lots of cuddles and reassurance, at that age they can pretend to tough it out but really is so vulnerable and you are right in that the twins will have their own little "twin" world.
I would go through the motions of putting her to bed every night , don't cave in too easily but accept her wanting to crash with you, as LostHusband said, if she needs to. At least for a while,your Dv is very imminent really.

Hope the snake idea has been canned?

Deluded

7 yr old is ok as long as someone else sleeps with her, eldest is sleeping with me if something is bothering her like meeting OM4 again did yesterday. They sleep very well now so that is a big comfort to me because it was getting crazy.

I am not doing anything about moving until I have spoken re: Solicitors and my W has progressed her financial side which she isn't doing. I can see this becoming "Neil divorced me" and she is not actually doing anything to move it ahead. Bizarre from someone who wants it.

So I will hold off about the house until I will effectively be forced to sell it by her. I just think despite what she is saying that is what she will make happen. I don't you see want any ties beyond the divorce, she's wanted out so I don't see why I should then have to remain involved, because I will continue to be blamed. I want a clean break, no friendship - too hurtful.

Neil, if you make the decision to divorce her you have very good reason. So what if her story is "Neil divorced me"?
The people you know who you care about, and who care for you, will know the story. Other people don't matter unless you want them to know.
Ancient history is just that. The girls know already what the true story is.

The best sort of relationship to have with an ex spouse is sometimes no relationship.

Deluded

Thats right, being nice did not fix it, being away did not fix it, trying to work on it didnt fix it. She is lost to the idea of recovery.

Its less stressful to me to have no contact, hard but less stressful. Even today I needed to call about school holidays and she started on me. All I was trying to do was sort out the children but she rapidly with two minutes descended into Neil is this, neil is that... she does not think I am the primary carer for the children etc.

I am beginning to envy those who have amicable splits I really am. NJ

I spoke some more with my Solicitor and feel more confident about the Children's care now and less about these "Primary Carer" threats, that has put me at ease.

I am still getting damn death threats again but the Police are sorting that out. Seems to take an age to get sorted.

Anyone know of any websites that can help a Dad learn about the best ways about telling his girls *ahem* the girly things that are going to happen?

Am beginning to try and be prepared for all that sort of stuff now! Neil.