I have successfully moved on and got an apartment in November. Deciding to leave my home, neighborhood and cats behind was the hardest thing I ever did not to mention putting behind a 33 year old marriage to someone I love. With moving and Christmas, I was over the edge with busyness and family get togethers. It was great to be free of the pain of the A and it was so peaceful living alone. BUT now I am finding myself weeping alot---struggling with the why and what fors. I am very aware of how alone I am. I do not like being single.

HOW LONG does it take to get rid of the feelings of betrayal. I still find myself not believing that this really happened. Still struggling with anger that someone took something from me that belongs to me. I want to mail a picture of our family (WS, ME and our 2 grown sons) to OW. I am tempted still to drive by OW's place. I can't handle going on a certain road cause of the triggers.

I want to continue to grow and heal but not sure how to do that and what is next. Hoping to hear from others who have been there. Why do we continue to love someone that is capable of hurting us so?

TW

TW, I wanted to post a reply to you tonight, some words of comfort. Tonight is a very hard night for me also, lots of triggers today.
Perhaps the only comfort I can offer is I often think the same thoughts, share your pain and loneliness and questions and "whys?".
Maybe just knowing that will help to some degree.

I have no advice for you. Just hugs.

((((((((( tossedwave ))))))))))

Karen

{{{{{{{{TW}}}}}}}}}

Even though I've been alone since D'day, 12/00 (my STBXH moved out and moved in with the MOW, who also left her H the same day) and haven't seen my H since May '02 (when I'd finally had enough and gave him an ultimatum - he chose OW and substance abuse over me, his family, our business, our "dream" home), or heard his voice since August '02 (when I changed my phone, cell, & e-mail to stop the abusive calls and messages), I still struggle with the feelings of betrayal and abandonment. I too, still can't believe, at times, that this really happened.

All I can tell you is that it's gradually getting better and that healing is more about the way I treat myself than about "getting over" my STBXH. What I am doing is going to Al-Anon 3-4 times a week and I'm in IC with a 12-step oriented therapist. I am also dating a really nice man. Both of us were hurt by our last relationships and our relationship has developed very gradually.

I'm not recommending this, since I'm not only not divorced, but I'm not emotionally done with my M either (My BF knew this from the start - we were friends in Al-Anon for over a year before dating). And, I've found that my feelings for him don't erase the feelings I still have for my H. But, the relationship has helped restore my badly damaged self-esteem.

Broken---it does help to know someone understands. Thank you....Sorry that you had a day of triggers. Them things are wicked. I feel they never stop some days. I wonder if moving out of town is helpful.

I am praying to find a friend who can relate. I had a good friend who went through all this about 6 months before me and I thought we were encouraging and supporting each other but she chooses not to speak to me now and never told me why. I have asked but she puts me off. I had a best friend who died around 3 years ago and now I lost the friend I knew for 34 years (anniv this Jan).

Topie and LetStry, I remember you guys from long ago in 2001. I appreciate the hugs and know there are so many who care on this forum. Compassion comes out of suffering. We reach out cause we know how much some things hurt.

LetStry, That is excellent advice to focus on treating myself better. I do alot of things I enjoy so I am ok in that area but I feel very down on myself. I feel inadequate, unsuccessful, unloved, a loser with too many problems but I am not those things so why do I think that way. I have a good job (not anything real important but good), I have raised two remarkable sons (and they survived my mothering), I have a beautiful apartment and I have lots of skills and many abilities that I use daily. I do not know why I get my self-esteem from others. I sense everything in my life right now telling me I am worthless. I know in my head that this is STUPID but my inner emotional being says, "If you don't like me, I am trash"and "I have so many problems so I am a loser". I have many friends who love me and they show me so I need to focus on the positives. So thanks for bringing that up cause it highlights the other messages God is giving me about my stinking thinking (as they say in Alanon)

God made us relational beings but relationships are so hard. Are there any relationships that grow and deepen and continue to enrich our lives regularly?????

I do not have to worry about dating----no one is interested in me at all and I cannot imagine ever crossing that bridge. I have been tempted to check out a matching internet service but I know that I cannot handle the ups and downs of that whole scene. It is good to know that a BF does not take away feelings that have to be dealt with. Thanks for listening and the hugs and good things to ponder.

TW

TW, could you post what a loser is, and how that applies to you?

btw, under your circumstances I think a complete change of enviroment can be a good way to jumpstart the recovery of your self-esteem, and joy for living. It is a big world, with lots of nooks and crannies, you will find where you fit, as long as you........look.

tossedwave: I do have a suggestion for you. It's something that I'm in the process of working with, so I cannot say anything about it's outcome, but I can say that it is a real eye opener:

Go out and get yourself a copy of "Self Matters" by, you know him from Oprah of course, Dr. Phil MacGraw.

It's a wonderful aid in looking at our true "authentic" self, and getting THAT person to come out and away from our "perceived" self, or the self that others have made us believe we are (over the years).

Your self esteem is extremely low right now, and I believe this book will be one way to help you get it back up again.

I would love to hear what you think about this idea. Keep us posted.

((((( tossedwave )))))

Karen

I agree, "Self Matters" is a good read, and I love Dr. Phil's "no nonsense, kick your butt" attitude. Staggering under low (and I mean LOW) self esteem issues can really take the wind out of your sails. It makes you look at the world like everyone else has their "stuff" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> together but you...like there's this scarlett "L" on your forehead...I wash my forehead throughly everyday! Whether I have an errand to run or not, somewhere to go or not, I always put on makeup, dress fairly decently and fuss a bit with my hair. That helps make me feel more in control and "lovable". Even if it's only me.
You sound like you have alot of good things going for you, a nice place, a good job, friends. These mean so much. Just think, there are folks who don't have any of these! I know only to well how you feel - empty - but do try to focus on the good stuff. Leaving a marriage that has lasted as long as ours have presents a lot of unique problems to deal with. But we are strong and we will DEAL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Tossedwave:

I can only add that the loneliness comes & goes in phases. The more time that elapses, the shorter the bouts of loneliness will last. These are good times for reviewing the past, and evaluating the present. A kind of pitstop that can be used constructively to check your progress in your new life, and to see if you have made sufficient effort in that direction.

Speaking of my own experience, I find that I experience the loneliness after too much interaction with my exW. My lesson is to be sufficiently strong to resist contact. Yours may be different. It's important that we look ahead after brief reflection. The more you practice it, the easier it will become.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do we continue to love someone that is capable of hurting us so?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...because it's real, true, & selfless love, that's why. Try to love from afar, without being victim to it. (I know, easy to say, I'm trying it myself).
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HOW LONG does it take to get rid of the feelings of betrayal. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">....you won't soon. Avoiding triggers is one way of working towards it. Being actively involved in new activities is another. All those well-meaning friends & family that are trying to support you: accept their help, and humour them by accepting invitations and so on. It helps, even if you're NOT in the mood.

Wishing you all the best- keep busy!
muzohead

Dear TW,

I am sorry you are feeling like this....I am in the same boat.

I do pretty well at work....and even at the kids' activities....but if I have a minute to think....or if "he" comes to pick up the kids...my feelings still tend to overwhelm me.

At times I think I am loosing it, I feel so sad and rejected.

I know I have a lot...I have a lot to be thankful for, my home, my kids, a good job....but I still feel like my insides have been wrenched out. My heart actually hurts at times.

I am also seeing a wonderful new man who is in the process of getting a divorce too. He is great---but he hasn't replaced my H in my feelings yet. I still miss my family. I hate what this has done to all of us---

I put so much into my marriage--it is hard to give up the dream. Even tho the dream never was. My only consolation is the love and support my friends and acquaintances have shown me. They know how much I loved and supported him--and they have been very supportive of me.

I also wonder how long the pain will last. I would love to wake up in the morning and not have to dwell on this. I would love to just "move on" as everyone says I should do. Unfortunately, I did love him with my whole being---and it is not easy to just shut it off as he appears to have done. I also realize that life is too precious and short to stay in this kind of turmoil...so I pray every day for God to show me the way. Hopefully, he answers my prayers soon. Take Care Pat

PS...my computer is down again at home...don't get a chance to get on very often at work. I will be thinking of you tho.

Wow---it feels so good to hear from others who are in the same "boat"....what a storm. I thought separating from WS would be easier but I did not realize that all the pain/suffering would still be so hard to deal with. I have to admit, this is better than living with infidelity, suspicion and lies. I am going through an extraction (like we all are) of what I have known for so long. I see that I have to replace what is being taken away with something new and different. But how do you want something new and different??? LURKING, how do you get to see all the nooks and crannies that are out there? I do not know where to start or I hesitate to start for some reason.

Muzo---I jump at the hint of getting together with others. I am happiest when I am out and about. Being with others brings me out of myself. I have a lot of friends that are so busy, though....most are married or are single parents and have no spare time. And here I am with mega spare time. I am not real busy right now cause I choose not to be. I have to find the right balance between busy and relaxation time. I think I am going to be forced into getting a part time job real soon in addition to my full time job cause I have lots of dental work needing to be done and not enough funds to cover it all. I am also fighting resentment toward WS cause I am caught up in the fact that he has made my life harder now. I would not have had to worry for one second about dental bills if we were still together. (Getting these garbage feelings out is helping me sort through them.)

Topie---I was wondering what book I could read next that would help. "Self Matters" sound like the one. It's a wonderful aid in looking at our true "authentic" self, and getting THAT person to come out and away from our "perceived" self, or the self that others have made us believe we are (over the years
I was just saying to a coworker today (who is a BS) why do I get my identity from what others think of me (the self that others have made me believe I am)? that sentence is exactly what I was saying today. Yipppeeee! I love the way God answers our prayers. He uses each of us for each other.

Which brings me, Lurking, to your question. A loser is someone who does not succeed in what they do and always has lots of problems. I feel like a loser cause my M failed, I have applied for 5 promotions and didn't get one, I can't seem to pass my faith on to others (which is very important to me) and I have always wanted a college degree but everything gets in my way of obtaining that. I see no successes in my life. I can maintain the status quo and maintain a decent average life but I am not responsible for anything out of the ordinary. I work really hard too....I am not just a spectator type or one who lives in complacency. I thought hard work pays off. Maybe I am spinning my wheels.

Broken, I think Dr Phil is so cool and he definitely tells it like it is.

Misery--you definitely are feeling like I am. I don't think that I could handle things well if I had small kids and XH came to get them. I avoid going near my house and I want to see my cats so bad but I stay away cause it is so painful. It is interesting that you are the 2nd person that has said that a BF does not replace the feelings you have for XH. We BS sometimes think that having someone in our life is the answer. I know in my head that another relationship does not work out the kinks in healing from D but in my heart, it seems that it is the only feasible answer.

Thanks, everyone, for your input and advice. Real nuggets of gold here and I will continue move forward cause you all have helped me.

TW

Same boat here after 17 1/2 yrs M. X left with MOW, they are engaged. It does help to move away so you dont see or think about them. My X & MOW are now blaming me for them falling in love, trying to blame me for the A. you cant change OW mind about what she did to your family. If she cared, OW would not have started A to begin with. It does get easlier, Im not sure when I stopped thinking about them together, it just happen. Each time I saw X he seem more & more like a stranger to me. After a while I knew the love that I had for him was gone. Maybe him being nasty in the D helped me move on. X is still nasty towards me but I can say I was a good wife & mother. It will take time, keep busy.

m-17 1/2 yrs
me-48, x 43
c-13, 29, 8 gd
d-5-02

ow-32
c-3 under 11
m-10yrs
d-7-02