Usually in the "recovery" section-but visiting this area more and more <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> When do you know it's time to call it quits? I know everyone is different but what's the 'main' things to look for? I'm 1 1/2 yrs into 'recovery' yet I am not happy. I feel like my FWH took everything I held sacred and through it into the garbage (he did). Although he is trying hard to rebuild trust, etc.. when is it a "little too late?" I only stayed after D-Day because I was 3 mos preg-I feel this is a weak excuse, but if I didn't stay, wouldn't it be really selfish? (For the kids) I was always the type of person who claimed if my H ever cheated on me, I'd be gone-well I'm still here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Other couples, whom I know where infidelity was discovered, the BS left without a chance of reconciliation. They stated that there are too many faithful people in this world to settle for someone with such low standards for themselves and for marraige. I must say, I admire these people. Yeah it was hard, but they knew they deserved better and left a situation they said they'd never be a part of. This nags me every day-I want to be one of those people. Any thoughts?

Karma,
only YOU know when there's no hope...your heart will tell you and I think that if you still aren't sure, then there is hope.

It took me 18 years to realize that my x did not value me in any way. And as far as the world being full of 'faithful people'--that is true, but realize that anyone can stray. I never thought I would but I did.

You need to sit down and go over the pros/cons of your marriage. Is he good to you? A pro. He is trying to make it up-another pro. If he was like some of the ww spouses here and refused to re-commit to the marriage or stop seeing the ow, then you would definitely have a big con. Ask yourself -will you be happier/more satisfied with or without him. And don't care what anyone else says or thinks-they don't live your life.

karma:

I stayed after D-day even though I had a place to go to, and I'm male. You may have made the same decision even though you weren't pregnant. I went through a period of "reconciliation" during which my then W didn't make the slightest effort to do anything towards rebuilding trust.

What you are feeling is the lack of "satisfaction" that your H hasn't quite suffered enough; that you made it too easy for him; that given the chance he may do it again, since you are so forgiving; that you may end up looking like a fool all over again; etc etc..

The biggest failure in any marriage, is the failure to discuss things that are really important. The feelings you are discussing here, you should, and I HOPE your are discussing with your H. Wayward spouses typically do NOT want to discuss these things in detail, and prefer to avoid it. If this works for you, fine. If NOT, you have a huge problem, and you need to decide if you can continue in this fashion. One & a half years should be sufficient time elapsed for him to have overcome some sensitivity around the subject.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like my FWH took everything I held sacred and through it into the garbage (he did). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This speaks volumes of resentment you still hold toward your H, and may in some way even SABOTAGE some of his efforts in rebuilding trust. My heart goes out to you in this situation. As Franklymydears puts it, realistically, ANYONE can stray. In fact, with your current mindset around your H's efforts, YOU are a prime candidate for an affair. I pray you will find the courage to resolve this issue with your H. If you stay on this forum long enough, you will see that many here would give their eye teeth to have a repentant spouse. This is not to say that that is the be all and end all of it all, far from it. But it's a good start. If this is not resolved for you, you may soon find yourself in the position of being completely unhappy in your M, WITHOUT your H knowing why. This is fertile ground for an A on your part, and soon he could be posting here, wondering how it all happened. If you discuss it properly, and deal with it with your H so that you ARE HAPPY WITH IT, then you know you have done what you can. If it carries on without hope of resolution, even though you have discussed it with him ,(TO YOUR SATISFACTION), then you will also know that you have done all you can.

It is all too easy for us BS's to expect that our spouses will somehow instinctively know how to deal with our hurt, or to repair us all on their own, but this will never happen. For the most part, they are caught up in trying to deal with their own guilt, and embarrassment. The fact that you HAVE noticed that your H is making efforts in rebuilding, means a lot. Speak frankly, and intimately to him about your fears, in a way that does not punish him unecessarily. It's a time of mutual nurturing for you both. Be careful not to be the one to sabotage the chance at success.

Speak to ANYONE who has remorse after an A that caused divorce: they DO PAY for the rest of their lives. They DO suffer. You may inflict this on your H. You have the power. You will have the satisfaction of knowing he will suffer, and feel the pain you have had to feel.
Ask yourself though: will this make you happy? Is that what you want for your family? Only you can answer that.
Who CARES what other people think! To H#LL with them!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to be one of those people </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...add up the COST first.

I am not telling you to stick around in a situation thatyou are not happy in. An affair usually happens as a result of a breakdown because of BOTH parties' contibutions. These need to be adressed. I'm assuming that you are in counselling. I don't hold out much hope without it. I'll try to get you story from the recovery forum.

In the meantime, I'm sorry this is so long, be sure you are not sabotaging the recovery. Being the BS, and having suffered, does not justify all. From one BS to another.

Much love & support.
muzohead