I feel now like I am in the final throes of MC. I have been talking to my MC'C'er <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and I have said that I feel all talked out.

I have been going to MC now for nearly half a year and covered just about every subject under the sun from the practicalities of any recovery through to the pain of divorce.

I am now finding it something of a struggle to attend, particularly from an emotional viewpoint. My primary motivator for attendance was recovery of M. In order to work through my own issues and see what could be done for the recovery of my M. This has largely been done, obviously not to fruition but as much as I can.

I don't feel now that it's worth going anymore. There is no recovery so the ideal of my W being there when I arrived is no longer a possibility that I harbor.

I feel like I can't talk about marriage anymore to them. My MC has suggested that I now move into the last three sessions of MC with a view to finishing in line with my actual divorce.

Has anyone experienced the same? When did you finally finish MC? I have also finished my C with Steve H as we have done what we could there again with no results?

Best Wishes Neil.

Hey Neil,

I went to MC with my WW for about 5 months. Initially, it was to really try and recover... I was reeling so much. But, with time it became searching for an affirmation that there was hope... which faded to hope for hope... which faded to... you get my point. It took some time to find it and then some time for me to really steel my resolve against what I knew (and now KNOW) is actually much harder than D-Day.

D-Day hits you all of a sudden and your world blows up. But, a dv coming on the heals of a failed attempt at reconciliation is like performing surgery on someone you love to ampute all connections to you... and they get to smack you back whenever they feel like it, whether justified or not.

I finally came to an important realization for me... which is this: HAD I DONE TO HER all of the things she has done to me, and SHE THEN TOOK ME BACK... I would not respect her. How can there be respect when one person walks all over you and the other lets you get away with it?

I know what I just wrote is contrary to the purpose of this website, but c'mon, there's a reason that adultery destroys the 3 components of any relationship: Commitment, Respect, and Trust. You blow all 3 of those out of the water and what's left?

I hate to seem trite, but I could not respect myself enough to respect her if decided to stay with her now... and MC confirmed that for me. Specifically, there was a day after 4 months after D-Day when she stopped blaming me for her A and started blaming other people. Yeah, read that again... I said other people - not herself, not the OM. And I looked at her and thought... "This person has truly been abducted by aliens."

Thanks Lyxa, yes you get to the point where as I did last night that I keep coming here and coming here. Going over the same stuff. Been there done that, dealt with the issues that I can, perhaps those that were flawed in me at the start of A and now can do no more.

MC is in a small office building near where Brother In Law lives and only 5 mins walk from W home. Every week I went and hoped she would be stood there. Nope not once.

Any others?

Neil.

Porsche,
I am in a similar place in my counseling. I have been going for over a year now. Starting off every week, then moving to every other. The early part of that time was with my wife during our reconcilitation, but since July, it has only been me. It has helped greatly, however, I too see that its usefulness has decreased over time to where lately i only end up discussing a few comparatively minor things when I am there. I only go every other week currently, and plan on decreasing that to once a month.

I think that for me, it gives me an absolutely safe person to bounce things off. Someone who has seen both sides of the issue from BOTH our viewpoints. My wife went to this person and told her (?) whatever for about 2 times without me then stopped, but in the least it was open when we went and however little I understand or believe anything that she says, my wife was, if nothing else, telling our counselor how she viewed things during that time.

So now, I have someone that has not just heard things from my viewpoint. My friends and family have obviously only heard my 'side' of the situation. And I know that no matter how carefully I try to be honest with everything that I tell them, I know that they are hearing my version, and that although I believe it is very close to the actual truth, even I don't know for certain if I am still seeing things through the filter of the betrayed husband. So having her (my counselor) available and calling me on things should it seem that I am geting off the subject or off 'reality' helps me immensely. I don't want to give that up, even though the 'cost/benefit' ration has changed dramatically. I still like having the thought that should something occur, I can run it by her and see if I could possibly be mishearing or misunderstanding it. I really don't want to see only my side. In fact, in some ways I wish, REALLY WISH, that some of the things that my wife believes were true. At least then, some of this would make sense.

But I would recommend continuing counseling, but decreasing the frequency. At least that is what I am planning to do over the course of the next few months. Also, having someone 'keeping abreast' of what is going on may help should something 'new' turn up that you have to deal with in the future.

I told my wife that if she would like to, I would pay for her to go to any counselor at any time she wanted. She went to our counselor once, then never went again. That was in July I think. She tries to say that it is finances, but I have repeatedly told her that I would pay. The fact that I want to help her, just doesn't fit into her scheme of 'He is a [censored]' so it just doesn't compute. Besides, I think she is afraid of what she would find out about herself.

<small>[ January 28, 2003, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Our M/C sessions were broken off 3 times because of W lying about contact with OM. In the end though, M/C went in for throat surgery and DIED!!!

W did not want to start over. She has IC. Our M/C was my I/C.

Porsche pretty much finished up just after the dv was finalized, so similar to yourself.

The practical problem in the UK with decreasing frequency is that the MC's (Relate) prefer weekly slots and don't really have the flexibility or funding to do reduced. That's way I can cut down to once a fortnight but only for a few weeks.

Of course if you switch to private MC (really an IC trained in MC) its more $$$ and you don't have the history. I shall see how it goes. It has served its purpose as much as I can do without Christine attending.

Doogie that story is so sad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Neil.

I

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

I finished up 5 months of constant therapy today. It was my last session. Every single week I prayed my W would be at the session and start to work on us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You can only do so much yourself until even MC becomes a chore. Neil.