My divorce settlement is final. I have an almost equal time custody arrangement. I have six nights a week every other week. She proposed sole custody and I proposed equal time. The judge said I'm not granting her sole and thus I can not give you equal time so come up with something in between. I feel that I was screwed in this settlement even though this is putting me in the top percentage of fathers that receive a liberal amounts of parenting time. I was advised by my attorney to take this offer so I did. I also retained much of my personal property like the house, (fully furnished), my SUV and two snowmobiles. I still have a lump in my troat about custody.

((((((STV)))))))

May the good Lord grant you peace, my brother. Now continue being a great father to those kids.

{{{{{STV}}}}}}

You put a lump in my throat too. I'm sorry it had to end this way but glad you were able to work out a custody arrangement that you felt was more fair. Who has primary custody of the children? Do you claim them on taxes or does your XW? Can you both make decisions related to medical care, education, etc.?

I'm going through custody evaluation right now and part of the reason is that my WW wants primary custody with the kids staying with her at least 5 or 6 nights per week. She indicated that I could visit with them when I wanted to on those five nights and that she expects me to stop by and have dinner with them and help them with their homework and other activities.

I still can't imagine going to bed without my kids in the same house. Our bedtime routine includes reading to the kids. I've been reading bedtime stories to them for nearly 11 years now. We've been through each HP book and all the Laura Ingalls books as well as numerous other stories. I can't imagine the day soon when I won't have the opportunity to do that.

Enjoy your children. They'll need you more than 6 nights out of 14.

HoFS

<small>[ January 28, 2003, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: HofFenceSitter ]</small>

We do not have primary custody. It is joint legal custody and what they call shared economic responsibility. I have two girls and we will each claim one on our taxes. We are both required to make major descisions.

My H is fighting for 50/50 even though I offered 6 of 14 in mediation, and he refused. (I originally offered 5 of 14 days) We are now in psych eval., and its not looking good for him. I'm actually beginning to worry that I'll get close to sole custody given what he's been presenting to the evaluator. 6 of 14 is a good amount of time with the children, and it requires good communication to work. Please do for the sake of your children. I believe the my H's poor communication is what will ultimately limit his PT. In our state NJ, it is joint legal, but not typically joint residential. The courts feel that a specific residence needs to be primary (even though you can split tax deductions).

Remember, it really is about the kids, not us, and they need a stable residence during school times. Good luck.

Newly,
Without knowing your exact situation I can not say what is the best for you. I also want to say I'm not directing this at you so please do not take ofense to the following.

The statement, "The courts feel that a specific residence needs to be primary" and "they need a stable residence during school times" is a bias that needs to stop. The court is also by default bias towards the mother. There is a lot of work that needs to be done to detarmine what is best for your children. Specific residence and stable environment durning school are very important but it doesn't stop there. Every child has a father and a mother, every single one of them. Reguardless if the child is a boy or a girl they need two parents. Each parent brings different qualities to the relationship and the children need to experience life with both parents. Currently when a divorce with minor children is set into motion it is assumed that the mother with have custody and the father gets every other weekend and every other Wednesday evening. If the father wants custody of his children he has to fight from having 78 of 365 days. Shouldn't it begin at equal time, 182 or 183 of 365 days. Then adjustments be made from there. I think this is a crime and I know I am going to do what I can to help fathers in there battle against this bias in my state, (Michigan). Hey some fathers do not want equal time or any time. Yes children may be breast feeding, these are different situations so there isn't one cookie cutter solution. But I do know in this time of equal rights I am thinking that this is a little one sided for the mothers. I am asking God to guide me as how I can help other fathers in the same battle as myself. It is a very though thing to try and takle but I am doing this for the children of divorced parents and my own children.

Newly,
Without knowing your exact situation I can not say what is the best for you. I also want to say I'm not directing this at you so please do not take ofense to the following.

The statement, "The courts feel that a specific residence needs to be primary" and "they need a stable residence during school times" is a bias that needs to stop. The court is also by default bias towards the mother. There is a lot of work that needs to be done to detarmine what is best for your children. Specific residence and stable environment durning school are very important but it doesn't stop there. Every child has a father and a mother, every single one of them. Reguardless if the child is a boy or a girl they need two parents. Each parent brings different qualities to the relationship and the children need to experience life with both parents. Currently when a divorce with minor children is set into motion it is assumed that the mother with have custody and the father gets every other weekend and every other Wednesday evening. If the father wants custody of his children he has to fight from having 78 of 365 days. Shouldn't it begin at equal time, 182 or 183 of 365 days. Then adjustments be made from there. I think this is a crime and I know I am going to do what I can to help fathers in there battle against this bias in my state, (Michigan). Hey some fathers do not want equal time or any time. Yes children may be breast feeding, these are different situations so there isn't one cookie cutter solution. But I do know in this time of equal rights I am thinking that this is a little one sided for the mothers. I am asking God to guide me as how I can help other fathers in the same battle as myself. It is a very though thing to try and takle but I am doing this for the children of divorced parents and my own children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The statement, "The courts feel that a specific residence needs to be primary" and "they need a stable residence during school times" is a bias that needs to stop. The court is also by default bias towards the mother. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I take no offense to anything you've said. My first comment above is primarily based on the fact that we do not plan to live in the same school district (yes that statement should differ if the parents live close to each other). I do believe in statement 2, and this has been confirmed by the pscyc - but again may be based on location.
However, based on this eval. I believe that the courts in our area are really trying to find the middle ground and are truly starting with the 50/50 thesis.
There are many great fathers on this board, I wasn't married to one of those types. My H ignored the children until we split, so the fact that I'm now fighting him for custody is ridiculous.
I learn a great deal from the exchanges on the boards regarding this topic, but I've found very little to explain why someone would fight so hard, when they barely parented before. (For the past year, he's been living with his parents, who have really been taking care of the children).
If anyone can explain my H, I'd love to hear it.

Newly,

I'm glad you understand that I'm not speaking of your case exactly or I'm not directing anything at you. However, in every case the default judgement should be for equal time. Then in your case you live in two different school districts. A descision has to be made one way or another. Prior involvement with the children, that is another decision to lean one way or another.

As far as a sudden involvement with the children, well, they have been removed from his life, they are important to him, he does want to be involved with them. As long as the actions are not for money reasons or to just get back at you for the divorce and the reasons for this change are for the good of the children you should be somewhat happy that their father wants to be involved with them.

I've always been very involved with my girls and I was acused only showing interest to get back at my X for leaving me. It is a though call. My bigest sugestion is to pray for your husband and his attorney that they make the right decisions for the good of the children. Pray for guidence, it is truely the best thing you can do.

I honestly believe he is trying to avoid CS, he implied as much. And he is spending more time with the girls, but his parent's are still their primary caretakers. I am more concerned about his ability to care for them when he moves out of his parent's house, than I am now. I believe his parent's pushed the equal custody issue, and are enabling him to believe he is/was an equal parent. However, in 5 years he virtually never did laundry, grocery shopped, cleaned the house, cooked (he could dial pizza delivery), fed a bottle to a baby, or any of the numerous domestic tasks. I don't think he's suddenly done all of these things now, when M&D are retired and have time to shop for their new family. I am very afraid that given his angry behavior, they will become as emotionally stunted as he is. I am much more aware now, and worried about my children's exposure to this dysfuntional ACOA, uncommunicative, conflict avoiding family.
We are in the midst of psyc evals. and he kept the children home twice this week without informing me they were sick, and took them to a counselor without informing me (although the psych evaluator suggested he wait). He's incapable of making a single phone call to an answering machine. Yikes.
Thanks for listening.