sorry, i lost my password, and don't access to my home, so refer to robert4 story
in brief, stay at home dad for 9 years, raised 2 girls 9, 5, went to work parttime in 1995, worked weekends nights, wife worked during weekdays, i worked nights and took care of kids during the week, school, activities, was with them all the time, went to work full time, 6 months ago, still took kids everywhere, my wife and i have not had any time together no days off together for 6 years, kids basically slept in bed with since birth, wife has stated she doesn't love me, wants out, just wants her space, does not want to spend time with me, i take the kids places and she does not want to go, went to councilor 3 times last summer, he said my wife was burned out, had lot of work to do, wife took seperate vacation last summer, i was not invited, we have not had anytime together for years, now i have weekends off, and she has gone out of town the last 3 weekends for work?, i have had the kids, on the weekend, just me and kids, wife always had something else going on.
went to new councilor 2 weeks ago, councilor listened to us for 15 min, told my wife it is obvious you want divorce, that she has no backbone and is spineless that she just needs to file for divorce, that she could not help us, that we needed counciling years ago.
councilor got up and walked out,
my wife and me left wife was mad councilor called spineless and no backbone, said we just need to find another councilor.
that night i got on website dadsdivorce.com
told my story, got 1st reply back a couple hours later, it said make the first move, file divorce restraining order, take kids move out of state...basically ruin my wife.................
showed my wife this and said how bad divorce is
look what people do to each other,.
she read and said is that what you plan to do.....
i said no i would never do that to you or the kids.....
then i found marriage builders on line, and wow
it made all the sense in the world
no time together=no love, i read the concepts to her and she seemed to really open up to me, and i told her about the san fransico seminar that we should go to that, and she thought that sound like fun, hope seemed eternal.
told wifes parents about this approach, that we need help and that we need time together......
he mom said you guys only fight when your together....that she said we need to be apart..
this is the type of advice my wife is being continually exposed to.
anyway, last week seemed very hopeful.
then on friday i came home from work 7am, wife had already gone to work early?.... her mom was their with my kids, she left, i took kids to school like always, came home slept, went to pick up 5 year old at school, shes not their, wife had picked her up at school,her teacher told me this, and that my wife was serving me papers, rushed home 9 year old had also been picked up.....
have no idea where my kids are...found out there is restraining order to be served, no one answering her or her side of families phone,
all her side of family lives in state, her brother lives across street, parents 2 miles away.
my parents and brothers live 2000 miles away.
no immediate family other than wife and 2 kids in
the state i live in..........
was supposed to take 9 year old to basketball at 4pm friday, and game on saturday....their gone...
spend night in motel with my brother who flied out at the drop of a hat, went back to my house, and the locks have been changed,, i was totally distraught, back door was left open so i went in.. and rather than loot the place..... i spent my last 4 hours in the house cleaning up and doing laoundry, so that when my family returned that they would have a clean house and clothes to wear. and i could not be there.
and according to restraing order i can't be withing 500 yards of wife,kids,house,brother-in law house, inlaws house, kids schools, can't talk to them,have not seen or heard from then i 6 days....and i am completely torn up....my wife had done to me what i showed her that i could never do to her........
and you know, if she were just would just bring the kids back.... i would forgive her and work on our marriage,,,,,,, problem is no one has wanted to help us...... they just want us to split up.....wife is making acussations, that i am abusive and that the children are not safe to be with me...... yet i am the one who has been with them since infancy, and been everywhere with them.....my wife always made more money than me....and she did want to stay at home with the kids.....she is a great mother......people are put on earth for a reason, some are famous some are rich, i was neither, but i thought maybe i was put on this earth for my 2 girls....and i thought that raising them to be who they are wonderful,smart,funny,beautiful,teaching them to love, teaching them to love each other, i figured that was my small contribution to this world......
and i have no idea where they are.......
i have been staying in motel the past couple of nights ( im at work now),now i know why they put bibles in motel rooms.....for people like me in dispare, and i never had read it before..........
it has given me some comfort....knowing that their is someone (God) that knows the truth, and i pray that he will see my family thru this.

your thoughts and prayers requested
robert

ps
lost 13 lbs since friday, that's good isn't it??

cont.......
my wife for last 6 months has been saying i have always abused her, that their all types of abuse,has not let me close to her, wants me to stay so far 2ft away from her, has to have an exit if we are same room, she is basically quoating the domestic violance and abuse pamplet put out by a local agency.....
she has always said she wanted counciling for her anger and hatred towards me.......
apparantly she has been being counciled or something during this time, she said someone asked her what her greatest fear was,, she said
it would be raping her and getting her pregnant just so she would stay with me........
well that someone advised her get the depopripin birth control shot.....( anyway that is my wife's story) so looking back.....the past 6 months..the spending time away, not wanting me to know where she is at, the private cell phone, her own checking account.....the not wanting me to call or come to her work.....the fear she has that i will take the kids away and hurt them or her.....
is she really scared of me....? or is there somebody else....?
it sure seems like this has been a plot for some time
someone has wanted to tear my family apart....
well they are succeeding.....
it's funny the lawyer i saw on monday told me i should go to my home (before restraining order) with a uhaul, and take as much as i could because my wife would end up selling it....i told him that i could not do that to her or my kids....
and i still think that she would not do that to me..........am i that big of idiot????????

i just want my family back

I'm at work to robert I'm so sorry you are here.
Sounds like someone is influencing your wife's thoughts seems like family.

If I were you, I would see another lawyer to find out what are your options. Continue to post here you will get your help.

Also read read and read the principals on this site. Please Pray. I know there are 2 sides to a story but if there was no abuse it was wrong for your wife to claim that.

I'll pray for you also I'll be back Saturday to post more Ok. Make sure you read and vent here. Please no angry outburst no begging, crying, and no pleading to her, Do that alone or with a trusted friend.Do not chase her, I know this sounds hard to do don't even chase her.

Do you have any friends you may be able to talk to?

I'll keep in touch.I did all the things I told you not to do, and it got me no where. It looks unattractive to our mates.

thanks for the encouragement, i am not pursuing her, a friend of mine has offered me a place to stay, only he lives about 500 yards from my oldest daughters school, i don't know if that is ok, i talked with numerous parents tonight, people that know me through the kids, parents who have trusted their girls to be with me and my girls, swimming,dance,basketball, we stay at home parents have much in common, the time given meeting your childrens needs, the only real realationship i have is with my children, they are really the only people that love me.......
and yet what gives my wife the right to come in and take the kids with no warning saying she feared for their safety, yet i cared for them everyday, i am suprised the teachers at my 5 year olds school even knew who my wife was......( she hasn't worn her wedding ring for 9 months, she says even longer)
i am just afraid what my children are thinking or what is being told to them.........this is not fair.
I have slept about 6 hours since friday........
I just wonder how much my wife has been able to sleep....i know if i did to her what she is doing, i could not live with myself, let alone sleep.

robert

Sometimes the simplest explanation is the correct one. Sometimes it's not.

In your case, Robert, the simplest explanation is that you have been abusive in some way, whether you realize it or not. If I were you, I'd try to explore that question as objectively as you possibly can.

That's what I did when my wife started accusing me of being abusive - or at least of having abusive personality traits. (When pressed a bit, she couldn't actually come up with much in the way of examples. It seems I never actually did anything that would reasonably be considered abusive, but for whatever reason she had decided that the potential was there.) Although I eventually concluded that my personality was about as opposite to that of an abuser as it was possible to me (and our psychotherapist agreed with me), the research was useful if for no other reason than to understand my wife's mindset and her reactions to me.

You see, Robert, in one sense it doesn't really matter whether your wife's fears are based on reality or not; her fears are real and must be dealt with accordingly.

In another sense, though, it makes a great deal of difference. If any of your behavior patterns could be considered abusive, you will want to start working on changing those behavior patterns - regardless of whether or not your wife is in the picture. Abuse is unhealthy for everyone, including yourself. If you do not have abusive behavior patterns, then if you are like me you will have a desperate need to understand what's happening; how is it that you have suddenly shifted into an alternate world where you have traded places with an evil doppelganger?

As hard as it may be to believe, this is not exactly an isolated occurrence. Yours is a story that has been played out many times before. Sometimes ghosts of the past have never been laid to rest, and they come back to haunt with a vengeance. I believe that this is what happened in my wife's case. It's really her father's voice that she hears, but she attaches it to my face.

Other times, the underlying cause is more difficult to determine, but the psychological destruction is no less real for that. For example, read the framing story in Ed Bulkley's Only God Can Heal the Wounded Heart. That story seems to have had a happy ending, but not without an incredible amount of pain. (Coincidentally, the real purpose of that book is to warn against the evils that are wrought by psychologists and counselors who often feed self-delusions to the point of destroying the lives of those they thought to save. It appears that you may already have witnessed this, Robert: if you reported your meeting with your new counselor accurately, then that counselor is guilty not just of incompetence, but of a gross ethical violation as well.)

Unfortunately, when the legal system is brought in, a whole new dimension of destruction is brought in. The courts are not equipped to deal with things like truth or reality. They don't care about such things - nor about fairness or justice or rights or any of those other grand ideals which we learned as children to associate with the courts. Once you get thrown into their meat grinder, you are in very serious trouble. So while I applaud your intentions not to treat your wife with the same viciousness that has been visited upon you, you had better not waste any time getting a top-notch lawyer. And you should get in touch with one or more father's-rights organizations immediately.

You are at a disadvantage not just because your wife made the first move, and made it with extreme ruthlessness, thus giving her the legal high ground. You are also at a disadvantage because your adversary is your wife, whereas her adversary is a demonic simulacrum of her own manufacture for whom she has no feelings that would otherwise tend to soften her blows. Remember this: to her, you no longer exist.

By the way, the weight loss and sleeplessness are perfectly normal. When my wife moved out without warning, I also found myself forgetting to breathe...

GnomeDePlume

Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Even now, when I think of all that has happened in the last week I find myself defending my wife to my friends and to people I tell my story to, people that I haven't talked to in years.
It's strange, when my wife and I were together I was always accused of not defending her, and this was true, yet in this hour of what seems like dispair I have found a new light of what matters, by making people you love happy, you make yourself stronger and happy.

Once again thanks for the wisdom you expressed
Robertc

T

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

If indeed, no abuse occurred, get a lawyer and document document document. Line up evidence and find people who can testify for you- other parents, teachers etc. Do you think your wife could be having an affair- I would look for evidence of that as well.

Fight back or you may lose everything- meaning access to your kids. But the advice of that lawyer- to loot the family home- does not seem good. get another lawyer.

Look at your behavior long and hard. Have you ever physically fought with your wife- even if provoked by her? Do you yell alot or lose your temper? Are you extremely critical? Sarcastic?

Hi Robert
I have a question why did you move out of the house? Was this stipulated in the restraining order? Have you contacted a Lawyer? Take the advice here documemt everything pray and vent here. It will get better.

Robert,

I don't know whether you are being honest with us or not. You seem to be baffled that your wife would accuse you of this.

It's not as important for you to be honest with us than being honest with yourself so ask yourself these questions.

Do you ever get in an uncontrollable rage?

Have you ever bullied your wife?

Have you ever bullied your children?

Have you ever physically hurt your children or your wife?

My ex was never honest with these questions. At least not with me. Incredibly I heard this weekend from his g/f that he did admit to her to doing some of the things he would never admit to me he did...

I hated his bullying. Just because he was bigger and more stronger than me does not give him or anyone the right to bully another person, to hold another person down, to control another person, to not let them leave a room...etc.

If you are this type of person, even if you aren't always, but sometimes, then I'd say stop worrying so much about your wife and her actions now, stop worrying about filing for divorce, instead get counseling and find answers to help you...

I have mentioned this often, but it hit me as very important when I read it...I read the reason people can't take responsibility for their actions is the burden of their actions are too much of a load for them to bear.

I honestly saw this in my ex, anytime he started to actually think about that perhaps the abuse occurred as I said it did, he'd get in to a depression, feel guilty and like a wife beater...he could not bear the truth.

Take care and good luck,

ANNA

I have never bullied my kids or hurt them, they mean everything to me, since having children, ages 9 plus 5, I have had and taken care of them probably 80% of the time, my wife and I love them very dearly, but it has been 13 days since I have seen or heard from them.
I have a restraining order against me, that prevents me from seeing them until I enroll in some counsiling, which I have done this.
I guess it is 1 thing to have an r/o from your wife, but to have 1 from seeing the children is unbelievable.
I don't know how they can be holding up, I just want to be able to see and hold them and tell them how much I love them. ** THIS BY FAR IS THE HARDEST PART **
For my wife to be able to trust me to raise our daughters since birth and now not be able to be trusted with them is beyond me.

Robert

Restraining order hearing

I had hearing for my restraining order yesterday,
I wanted to have the parenting time my wife had on the r/o changed. She had offered that I could see them on Wednesday from 3 pm to 8 pm, and on every other weekend. ( you have to realize that I was a Stay-At-Home-Dad working part-time on the weekend's, and had just now gone back to work full-time after 8 years of this arrangement)
I wanted to see my kids everyday and be involved with them like always.
She would not go for this, and it went to a hearing, which I thought went well, but the Judge said if he ruled. His ruling would be more restrictive than the already very broad and restrictive restraining order.
So we went back to mediation, And to be honest I'm really not sure what was decided, but there is still a restraining order in effect, but somewhat modified.

Just want to see my girls
Robert