Well, just when I think he couldn't shock me anymore.

Last night my phone rang about 10....I looked to see who it was and decided not to answer it. I didn't want to speak to my ex about anything last night. The phone rang about 6 times, when I heard my youngest daughter get up to answer the phone. I groaned and then reached for the phone to see what he was saying to her.

Well, when I got on the phone, my daughter wasn't talking on the phone (evidently she thought he was talking to me and hung up the receiver)--my ex must have hit his call button on his cell phone. He didn't realize he had called us. When I picked up, he was busy in an intimate conversation with his OW. She was in a hotel somewhere and he was in KC. Evidently, she was on a speaker phone because I could hear her talking. Weird huh?

He was talking to her about a conversation he had just had with my oldest daughter at college. He was drunk--or in the process of drinking--and was discussing my daughter's relationship with her boyfriend. From there the conversation went into a discussion on women in general--he was swearing-calling women f**** *itches. The whole discussion was so bizaare--it was really sick. He kept putting women down--all women--making really obtuse statements. Many times he refered to me--saying really derogatory things.

Then he started in on her....saying "How in the H** was he supposed to talk to her---how was he supposed to relate to her....she should just shut up and listen...he was experienced and he was just trying to teach her..." YUCK!!!

His tone of voice, his disrespect, his ego, everything came flying out in this conversation. He IS really sick in the head.

I listened to all sorts of sick tirades for 1 1/2 hours. He never realized that I was on the line. The things I heard acturally turned my stomach. I wish I had had this conversation taped--maybe then I could protect my little kids from him and his OW.

He attacked his brothers' wives as worthless B****es. He put down his girlfriend, he put down me....then when the OW finally said that he was acting like a pompous [censored]---He started yelling at her saying "Why do you try to hurt me by saying that?...What have I ever done to you....I am just trying to teach you".

From there his conversation got sexual with her. It was really gross. Evidently they are planning a trip to Jamaica in the next few weeks. He started ranting about her wanting to F*** other men. He told her that if she wanted to do it, to go ahead. And if he found someone he wanted--he would do that too. He said "why would you worry about this...he didn't care---and they had discussed this many times before". She sounded shocked--tried to talk to him--but he twisted everything she tried to say to him. My heart and stomach sank. This is the same man I was married to for 22 years. This was a respected B2 pilot--this was a man who could not say 2 words last night without cursing and belittling women. It was really gross, disgusting and ultimately so SAD!!

God does work miracles however---without having heard this conversation, I may have stayed stuck in wanting him and my marriage back. Reality has hit me right in the face. He is really a sick person---he is a drunk, alcoholic, abusive,egotistical man. Last weekend I prayed for God to take my pain away. In the back of my mind I think I was really wondering if maybe he really had found someone who was better for him. Maybe it was really me.......Having listened to this conversation, for the final time, I realize how sick he really is...he is worse than before---and that girl is moving into hell. I think I have finally removed this man from my heart---it took this shocking conversation to really see the reality of him---he is in really bad shape....How very sad----but I am so thankful I am out of this relationship. Now I need to figure out a way to save the kids--or at least limit his contact and influence with them.

Amazingly, he doesn't see how sick he has become......but his OW was really seeing it last night. It will be interesting to see how long she puts up with him. Pat

God does indeed move in mysterious ways, and rarely (IMO) does He answer our prayers the way we expect Him too. You will be ok, He is in God's hands and beyond your ken, plz don't (at any point) feel you must rescue him (from himself).

((((((((M&M))))))) OMG I know what it is like when you think your going along fine & no longer snooping. I have so admired your strentgh that you showed in many of your past posts. Thanks for sharing this post. stbxwh trys talking to D 21 also, but after 2 years being a psyc & soc. major she has found some ways of dealing with wh "moral lectures" so they don't knock her flat for 2-4 days.

I remember wh a year ago getting D's old cell phone & he often hit the call button which was to call home. One time WH was at a bar yelling to the female waitress & others if the were ignoring him. Like 6 - 10 times loudly. If he acted like a pompus [censored], yes they were purposely ignoring him since they knew he was married. stbxwh found a waitress in a different town that didn't ignore him. I saw a different side of WH, I didn't want to believe he had that side to him.

M&M:

Gadzooks! I've been surprised at how often that happens with cell phones! I've gotten calls that way from my W and MIL where the've apparently keyed the call button in their purses or something. Thankfully, so far, I haven't hear
anything but the car running, or my W talking to the contractor about where to put an outlet or something.

Your H truly is in bad shape. I hope you realize,though, that not all men are like that! Particularly us MB men!!! LOL!

All my best,
-Qfwfq

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: Qfwfq ]</small>

Wow MNM!

I think your prayers were answered. Isn't it strange how that happened!

It happened to me too....it is how I found out that X and OW WERE in a relationship, despite his denials. I emailed him telling him what had happened...but only that I heard them talking....no details, which I didn't actually have anyway. But I think he might have wondered JUST what I heard him saying, lol!

Love and light,

Jacky

Amazing! I'm sorry that you had to hear many of the things you did, but at the same time, it's good that you were able to find some peace in the outcome of your M to him.

Now... do yourself a favour, and bookmark this thread on your "favourites" list on your pc. So should a time come when you're doubting where you're at, you can read again what type of a ... dare I tarnish this word so.. "man" he has become.

It's a good self-induced kick in the butt to keep you motivated to stay away from him, if necessary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

{{{{{{{mnm}}}}}}}

That verbal abusiveness is so familiar!

I also had this experience several times with STBXH. The worst was almost 2 years ago when he'd "moved back home to work things out." He used some excuse to leave and when the phone rang, he was in a drunken fight with OW. She too was drunk, she'd get out of the car and he'd tell her to get back in, and then tell some friend of her's who was also with them how much he loved OW in a slobbery, drunken tone, then she'd come back, and they'd fight some more. They finally calmed down and started making plans for buying some crank (amphetamines)... When he got home, he actually blamed his being longer than expected on some other woman coming on to him - he wouldn't believe I'd listened to his conversation. Needless to say this reconciliation didn't last long...

I've had NC with WH for about 9 mos., but suddenly this week, I've heard more than I needed to about his current state. It felt to me, as you've said, like a blessing in disguise, because I too often get stuck in wanting my marriage back - that's the one danger of NC, I forget how bad it really was!

Last week I heard from an ex-landlord who'd like to murder WH & MOW. According to him, WH & MOW are still harassing him by spinning around in his driveway and breaking his windows.

Then I heard from a former friend of mine and WH who just had a major falling out with WH, that WH & MOW are into swinger clubs.

Two days ago, I heard from an old friend of WH who hasn't heard from him in about 6 months and called me at work to find out how to get in touch with him (I suggested the phone book). He told me that WH has never changed, that he's cheated on me since early in our relationship - he knew of several friends of his ex-wife that WH visited when out of town supposedly visiting this friend.

Today I heard from my step-son's wife (I didn't even know until today they were married). She'd been living with WH and MOW since my step-son is currently in prison. WH threw her out because she was going to go to the movies with MOW's H (who socializes regularly with WH & MOW) and a group of friends. WH accused her of "cheating on her H" - unbelievable! And MOW yelled at her for not having a job - I've supported WH & MOW for over two years - neither has worked or has any plans to work. She says that at first she was hurt but it was the best thing that could have happened to her because WH is "not in his right mind."

Finally, I heard from SIL that WH told her then 13 yr. old son who was living with us at the time, that if he wanted some "killer weed," he should call up my step-son because he got his drugs in XXX city.

Is that finally enough for me to see the truth and detach? He too is sicker than ever. Sometimes I almost feel sorry for MOW, but sad to say, I actually think they're perfect for each other. I'm grateful that my eyes are wide open, I just wish it didn't still hurt so much <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: LetSTry ]</small>

Pat,

Im sorry that you had to hear such mean and awful things, but then I am glad that this happened so that you will now be able to find peace from this man.

It is too bad that you didn't get it taped. Perhaps you should write down the important things that were said, get a tape recorder and call OW and let her know what it is you heard, she will confirm what was said in the first conversation and you maybe able to use this to keep him away from younger kids or at least to get supervised visitations.

I know that it was horrible for you last night, the peace that you end up with is wonderful though!

Take care,
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MNM,

WOW! That sounds good that you heard what you did, but that must have been so hard to listen to. It's amazing how we can hold out that small glimmer of hope only to be brought back to reality once again. God works in mysterious ways - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> even thru modern devices like cell phones and email!

I've had that happen, but never heard anything that I could make out. One time I called OW's cell phone and I could hear WH in the background " I'll be in shortly ... I could tell it was work .... about 11am!)

God Bless,
D

PS It's good your D hung up - do you think she heard any of the conversaion?

Thanks everyone for your replies,

I am at work...trying to sneak a few seconds to post. My computer harddrive is down at home...so...

I appreciate hearing from you. That phone call was really a God send!! He was so awful...and it does help to hear that his current relationship is a mess too.

New developments...I called my daughter last night to warn her about not telling him anything...she laughed and said "I already know Mom!!!" Evidently, he had called her 3 times this week--each time in a drunken state. He was rude and crude and irrational. At one point he told her that her roommate "was hot"--yuck--at that point, she got off the phone with him. The next night he called her again to apologize to her. He said that he was sick with the flu and not thinking right--he told her that it was similar to the time he had altitude sickness and he couldn't think right---(Yea, right!) and he apologized for anything he said that was inappropriate. Then he got into his moralistic phase, and she again turned him off. The third time, he called again, and was drunk and spun up again. It is really sad.

She did tell me tho that he is again unemployed--probably explains a lot of this drunkenness. He is not doing well emotionally or physically. He desparately needs help---but this time, he will have to do it himself. I hate to see him fall this low---but he has done this all himself.

I have instructed my little kids that if they are ever up at his apartment, and daddy isn't acting right-to call me or 911 and someone will be there to get them. He sounds so irrational right now--I don't know how else to protect them.

Please keep us in your prayers..don't know how we will make it financially if he really isn't working. He bounced the check for my daughter's tuition last week. Makes sense now.

Well, better run...have a meeting to go to. Pat

Pat,

You and the kids are in my prayers!!!!

Your daughter was right in hanging up on him!!!

You have to get documentation of the drunkedness, it may come in useful as far as getting supervised visitations. I don't know that I would want him taking my kids to KC to stay!!!

Stay strong, pray for your xhusband!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes try to document the drunkeness- you wouldn't want your kids in his car when he is in that state.

This cell phone call is truly a blessing in disguise. You can almost feel glad he's OW's problem now, except it is a tragedy how far this man has fallen.

Have you gone to Alanon or told your older children about Adult Children of Alcoholics? It could be useful to learn about the disease of alcoholism and how it affects those drawn into its web.

MNM,

That may be a good thing that XWH is doing a downward spiral. Some never get though even when everyone else sees then trowing their lives away. Have you gone to alanon? It has been a God send to me. It is hard with all there is to do, but it's worth it. (I fought it for 17 years!!!!)
If he ever says he thinks he has a problem, direct him to AA & leave him alone!

Y'all are in my prayers,

D

Dear Daybreak, Espoir, and WGTT,

Thanks so much for your prayers and advice. No...I have never gone to Alanon....but I have read some of their books....

He didn't start getting bad with the drinking again until the last three years we were together. He did have problems before that--but supposedly, he had stopped drinking. As his career winded down, and when he had his affairs--his drinking started back up.

It is incredibly sad. He had so much going for him---oh well.

I have talked to my kids for years about the danger of addiction-especially on my exH's side of the family. I know my oldest is drinking at college--hopefully, she will make it through ok. I don't know what else I can do....Same thing with sexual issues....they know where I stand---but with everything pushing sex...including their immoral father---how do you fight it???? They just think I am really out of touch---

It is funny how 18-19 year olds feel they have the world by the tail and their parents views are outdated, then the older they get--their parents become wiser and wiser. I hope the wisdom comes sooner than later for my kids.....

Finally settled the financial issues left from our marriage. My lawyer threw in the towel again...I am so disappointed in him. He settled the accounts, wrote checks to everyone and sent everything off in the mail---without doing what I wanted and without addressing the money my exH owed me. It seems like he just wanted the case over with. Of course, he took off his fees from the money that was sent to me---so I have no recourse now what so ever. This is my first and hopefully, last experience with lawyers--I have had two--and have been let down by both. I should fight it--but I am so sick of this mess--I just want it over.

Have a great, relaxing weekend....thanks again Pat