Yesterday and today were very hard. The Children were low and sad, one in particular fell apart doing her homework and it took ages to calm her down and get her feeling comfortable again. I busted my Plan B apart with text messages to WW trying to stop this DV that I do not want but she is so adamant that she is so hurt by me that "she is not in any place where she can consider recovery".

Its very hard listening to someone you love and have cared for and supported through the most extreme situations talk as though you are the villain. Sadly I got more hurt today, and again just how much I have hurt her and she now has a wall up and wont let anyone in ever again. She says that she is so alone, that I want her back, that OM2 wants her back, and tonight she introduced the kids to OM5.

Sometimes I wonder just how far I am along this road, sometimes it does not feel like any distance at all. I got into my house tonight after picking up the girls, heard this and just fell apart in front of them despite my best efforts to keep it from them. I suck at this really, I have no energy for it, no mental strength for it, and no desire for it. My W uses the things I said in anger to not return to us, that these are the reasons. It just makes me numb and sad right now.

Thank you to those who posted on her thread. I do not think she will be back, her internet access apparently expires soon.

I have never written a proper Plan B letter to her, yet now seems like the last chance to show her what I feel. Neil.

Neil,

Hey there fella, we are here for you. I am sorry that these days tend to happen. They still happen for me as well. I am so very sorry that the pride and stupidity of us all can cause things to go on like this. She does not want a divorce. I know that is what she tells you, but she doesn't. I really believe that she doesn't. But she feels that she cannot come back, She feels that there have been so many hurt feelings, and possibly Neil, she just might be right.

I know the feeling that you want your family whole. God how I want my boys to have both of us living happily together. However, I have turned from a altruistic sort into a realist through this whole ordeal. I have seen the real her. I have seen the things she is capable of that I thought that only a very few really horrible people could ever do. I have seen so many things, that I know that I could never look at her with any sort of true love. The kind of love that my 'wife' deserves, not my ex wife. The kind of unfettered love that is 'No holds barred'. The kind of love that is freely given, without remorse or conjecture. No worries and no pain. No mistrust and no betrayal.

I love God, and I love my wife in a way. However, I know that I could never trust her again. I am just too weak. I am probably the strongest and most level headed person I know, and yet, maybe that is why I can see the facts so realistically now.

Maybe she is right Neil. Maybe you can't go back. And you can't build anew given the rubble that you have to use as a foundation. She would never again be able to go to the store without some little part of you wondering if that was where she was really going. She could never look at you and get truly angry at you because she would wonder if it was because of the past or present. You could never get angry with her, because you would be afraid that she would just up and leave. I spent 4 wonderful and horrible months of a reconciliation, afraid to confront my wife for fear of her leaving. And in the end, when I started really telling her how her actions, not past, but present, were hurting me, she just couldn't handle it and ran off for the "love of another".

Perhaps this is best. I don't know. I wish that it was different. But ask yourself this question Neil.

Do you want Christine back, or do you want your wife and family whole? When I finally answered that question honestly to myself, I was able to let go and move on. I realized that I didn't want the woman, I wanted what she represented. She represented a whole family, for without her, my family crumbled. She represented stability for my children, for without her, my children are shuffled between homes. She represented the thought that I hadn't failed. For without her, I had to own up to my part of our marriage, and the fact that my part was involved in her decision, just like her choices were. I had to realize that I had failed to make the woman that I loved more than anyone in this world, happy. I had been involved in enough 'bad' things, that she could somehow feel justified in her choices to betray not only ME, but our CHILDREN as well. Because that is exactly what she did. She betrayed them by leaving me. She took her own selfish carnal needs and put them above the needs of her children. That is what made me feel the worst.

Had she just hurt me, I would be OK. But how do I explain that their mother doesn't want to be married because she likes to have sex with other men more than she likes to love her family? Because those are just the facts, regardless of what she says. How do you intimately involve yourself with 4 or more men in the course of a year, and it be about anything else. All the other things were changing, but she just couldn't give up the men.

That is when I see that maybe the fact that they don't want to come back is good. Then I am not faced with the decision to say "NO".

((((((((Neil))))))))))

My heart truly does ache for you and the girls. I think largely because, I do believe I’ve walked down the path that you are walking now. I feel the despair and loneliness, and hell even today, I think I can still taste the tears. One of the hardest things to realize and accept is that you do not have the power to change anything about your marriage. Your marriage is either going to work out or dissolve and brother, not a word you can utter will change that for your words float to places where she cannot hear them.

Man, you may not believe it, but things do get better. As I look back at my darkest hours, I can now see that it was not my wife that I desired, but it was the thought of having a wife that I struggled long and hard to try and save. The thought of family that propelled me to try and save the sinking ship. I’m the last person on the face of the earth that will tell you which turn to take, but I’m one of the first that will be here once you’ve turned.

You have no energy, strength, or desire right now, but this is the time that you MUST find energy, strength, and desire. There are three innocent children, who are looking to the only rock they have left in their lives, for safety, comfort, consistency, and most of all love. While mother introduces, yet another man, they look to you for help. Neil, you have to find the energy to be the rock of salvation for your girls, you have to find the strength to help them through this turmoil, and you have to find the desire to ensure that they will not be made to suffer.

I know that you are a great father, even your wife has said so, and I charge you to continue being a great father. To everything there is a season…… While it is great to show your children the pain and emotions of this situation, it is even greater to show them the path of recovery and rediscovery. I don’t know if I’m rambling or making sense here. This post and your situation with your girls is just too personal for me.

Neil, I have no idea how close you walk with the Lord but let me tell you a quick story about my toughest times. One evening, as I was wallowing in self pity, I went out for a walk under the Kansas stars. As I walked I focused my eyes on the heaven’s and pointed my fury at God. Why had He done this to me. If anyone saw me they would of called the police because I’m sure I looked like a crazy man. I was walking down the streets screaming at God, waving my arms around, and crying as forceful as possible. I screamed until I could scream no more and cried until there where no tears left to cry. That night, I truly felt the Lord begin to work within me. I took out a pad of paper and began to write all my worries, fears, stresses, and problems. I can’t remember how many were on my list but I think it was close to a hundred. Then I started with the 1st item and looked at it to see if I truly had any control over it and I didn’t. I went down that whole list and I think it ended up that I had “Total” control over about 3 or 4 items. Then that night, I prayed for those 90+ items I couldn’t control and I was set free. Sure the trials and tribulations persisted but I now looked at them much differently. Plus being free from those stresses allowed me to help my babies the way that they needed it.

Precious Lord, please be with Neil and his family through these times. Please, Lord, take them under Your mighty wings and protect them until the storm has passed. Then, Lord, I ask that you gently cradle them in Your mighty right hand for all the days they walk on this earth. Amen

((((((((Neil)))))))

May the grace of our Lord, Jesus Christ, be with you and your family always.

LH and FC,

your posts have hit truly hit home. As I struggle with the pain, doubt, fear and anger of my own stbxw's decision to terminate the marriage, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

It's been nearly 2wks since D-day and I've had many conversations with friends and my first session with my therapist. I've come to the realization that my emotions are not so much the result of losing WW, the person, but what losing her represents. I cry for my children, especially d10 as we are true soul-mates. But I also fear for my relationship with d7 who is very close to WW - will she still love her daddy?

WW betrayed me and the children, no matter how much she tries to play her moral relativism games (e.g. "...you betrayed the children by the way you treated me in this marriage..."). I'm now forced to come to grips with the fact that me, my personality was part of the problem, but I'm also starting to recognize that there wasn't anything I could do to save the family - god knows, I tried. It wasn't enough because she didn't want it to be enough.

So last night as she's out "studying" with her new boyfriend, I felt the waves of despair lapping over my head. The jealousy, the anger so sharp. She's so in control and has her new life awaiting her - something she wants and I...I'm left behind, the pieces of my life as I knew it blowing in the wind.

I called my mom and she made me feel better and I read your posts which helped me to understand what I'm really feeling. I'm thankful to both of you, even though your words weren't directed to me.

One day at a time.

Neil,

Safe your typing and safe your energy for your kids rather than giving her the plan B letter. You have told her verbally. SH told me to let the Dv come to its natural course ... why ? my exW knew about MB principal from counseling with SH. She filed on me and use 4 gifts of love for OM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . However little that she know this OM is street dog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . When she find out down the road that would be my revenge. Similar answer that Harley sr gave when asked "if his W wayward", "He would Dv at once" since her W know better about MB.

Actually in my case I didn't follow SH. Even though my Dv is not finalized, I counter filed for change of status since I don't want to be M anymore. I do not believe in re-married after Dv ... I rather seek a new lady to be my princess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

Just let it go and RIP for this M. She knows very well what to do ... the blood would not be on your hand. She is AWOL from her own thread, typical WS in the deep fog.

-rh-

Thanks all for your kind words, I have felt much stronger again these past two days.

One of my friends that I speak to provided me with really focussed help like you also have.

My W has not responded to any of my requests for help, for therapy, for Relate or MC. She is trying (if at all) to deal with her very personal and very serious issues.

Like Redhat says I have already done a letter. I have told her over and over I love her and want to stay married. I am sorry for the things that have happened to us and my part in that pre-A Om#1. I have already changed those things as I did when she first brought them to my attention.

I am in No Contact because the ongoing relationships with both OM2 and OM5 are way to painful to me and too be compared to them was a further hardship I have had to endure. I cannot interact with her whilst that is ongoing.

She knows where I am and if they were to stop and end then we could talk it's as simple as that.

My friend summed it up completely with "She needs you to blame everything on".

LostHusband, I do have the strength for my kids, and I give them security so please be rest assured that that is my #1 priority. Even now as I type I am comforting my D who was again confronted by OM4, and she is crying speaking of him looking at her horribly when W was not around (he was there collecting stuff).

They are everything to me know, and rightly so.

Best Wishes Neil.

Am still in Plan B.

Been very hard again today following children's therapy last night. But today I received the letter from my Solicitor to start the Financial Settlement Paperwork and what can only be described as one mother of a form to fill out.

It seems so mechanical, 13 years of marriage to be divided up based on a form.

What knocked me sideways is that my WW has requested this and a Court date has been set April 30th. So much for us doing what was right by the kids. I honestly thought that this was going to be kept out of the Courts because of the sheer cost of it all which obviously has to come out of our small pot at the end of the day.

Truthfully this has made me feel physically sick. It makes me want to ring her and ask what is it she wants so I can just give it and get it over with. Why we can't negotiate through the Solicitors I do not know. Of course now I am panicking because of the unknown, it just feels so unsettling and so unfair.

It's also hard to concentrate on your work when you have this worry eating away in the back of your mind; will I be forced to sell the house, what will I be left with, will I be able to get a clean break with no ties which is what I need for my sanity, how will the girls cope with more disruption if we move, where should I live if I move etc etc.

I'm just resigned to the fact that this DV is unwanted by me and my Girls but WW is on this path and that's pretty much it. Just a vent, feeling **** today.

Somepoint it will end but I don't think my problems will end once this is all sorted out anyway because I think deep down she knows it's not the right thing. Neil.

Came home today to more Financial Papers to be filled out. That is a pretty weird and strange sensation to have to read and go through. Anyone else feel that way in dealing with the finances? In truth I couldn't face it tonight I just put it to one side to tackle at the weekend. Neil.

Neil,
I dont' have much in the way of advice, but I wanted to say that someone cares about you. I wish I could help more, I wish this bad dream were over for you.

For what it's worth, I'm still praying for you.

SS

Thanks SS,

It has been a reasonably good weekend for me. February is full of trigger dates so I trying to keep myself and the girls very busy over the next few weeks.

My W and I have had some more troubles with visitation because she has had to change her shifts. This means that I have had to swap the coming weekends around. It has been some four or five weeks now when they haven't been away for a full weekend and I am finding that hard as I have had little adult interaction for myself (apart from work which isn't the same at all).

It's perhaps at these times I become my lowest, constantly thinking about ways to make some sort of inroads to reach her yet knowing that whatever I try causes me hurt and her to probably. Lack of interaction (plan B) causes me so much distress, and of course with kids its very hard not to have a level of contact.

I've managed to sort out the girls about Therapy, my WW was saying that they should not and did not want to go but this flies in the face of the doctors and social services advice. We have another appointment on Tuesday so we will see.

Soemtimes you have to wonder what more could be done and if you had would it have made any difference any way? My W is on her own path, I want to be on it to but thats not an option.

Neil.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Porsche 4Sale:
<strong> It has been a reasonably good weekend for me. February is full of trigger dates so I trying to keep myself and the girls very busy over the next few weeks. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy, Neil, do I know what you mean. February is a big trigger month for me too...Feb. 3rd is the day my H moved out and left us so he could be with his OW--Feb. 14th is Valentines Day and I have no love interest in my life.

One thing I learned to do is to take those trigger days and claim them for myself. As long as I allow them to be trigger days, they belong to him and they keep hurting me...but if I reclaim them as MY days, then the day no longer has power over me and I am free.

Let me give you an example. This last week was a HUGE trigger day for me: Feb. 3rd. The first year I celebrated this anniversary (yuck) I tried to go out to lunch with the kids and ignore it, but I did end up shaky and crying. My heart SO BADLY wanted some comfort and reassurance, but I was alone. The second year I celebrated this anniversary, I decided that I could CHOOSE to be a basketcase or not, so I specifically chose that day to have a facial, a hair style, go shopping and pick out one new top, and take myself out to dinner fairly fancy. I also bought a book I had been wanting and met with some friends so I wouldn't be alone. This year, the third year I celebrated this anniversary, I didn't make a big deal out of it. My H was cold and distant that day and chose to play poker rather than acknowledge the day, and I made the choice to stay home with my kids, watch two of my favorite shows with my D, and make us a meal that was something we wouldn't normally have: Golden Stuft Crust Pizza from Pizza Hut. haha

My point here is that you can claim your trigger days as NEIL DAYS. Do something that makes those days your days and start new traditions.

Here's a little encouraging hug and a kick in the pants to start a new tradition: {{{{Neil}}}}

CJ

I know what you ar saying CJ and its true. Feb for me is full of many triggers, many many days that have to be got through.

I have sent my Plan B letter as my last attempt at turning this around. I can't physically do anymore.

Sorry just very low today. Neil

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Porsche 4Sale:
<strong>I know what you ar saying CJ and its true. Feb for me is full of many triggers, many many days that have to be got through. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, friend, I hear ya. Your mind comprehends the idea, but for right now, the whole month is just so overwhelming and triggery that the best you can do is grieve. Tuck my idea back into your head and maybe next year...

For now, I will sit by you here in MB Cyberland, and hand you lotion tissues when you cry. Okay?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I have sent my Plan B letter as my last attempt at turning this around. I can't physically do anymore. Sorry just very low today. Neil</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Neil, it is glaringly obvious to me that you are physically, emotionally and spiritually just EXHAUSTED. Time to circle the wagons and take care of yourself and your girls. I know what it's like to be the only responsible parent--it is at once a joy and a burden to have the privilege of being with the lovely ones. So hug yourself...hug your girls and let them hug you...cry a little together and let them see that they can be sad and it's okay. Take some time to rest. Let yourself REST and do nothing. Feel low and let your girls and your MB friends just be there for you. It is our honor...just as it will one day be your honor.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Neil}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Neil}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Neil}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your true and faithful friend,

CJ

It's Ok CJ (ironically you have the same initials as my W), triggers don't hurt me like they used to. There have been too many now to worry about. I created a list and ticked them off.

As far as the dates go well that's just a case of going to bed early and sleeping them through as best as possible, in March they will be over and then a hold load of other dates will be coming.

Yes I am trying to get rest as and when I can but there is so much on, the care for the girls, all the divorce paperwork for finances, my job, my commuting the list is almost endless. It's likle there's not enough hours in the day and I am already sleeping as minimal as possible to fit it all in!

In months to come it may get better, we shall see. Neil.

I see I'm not alone, yet how alone I feel.
My idea and yours of family life, putting one's happiness on hold or at least held back for the good of the whole family.
Everything I have known for half my life is crashing before my eyes, my family, children,wife, the potential for the perfect life flashing before my eyes, and nothing I can do about it.
My wife has kept my greatest accomplishment and love awaay from me for nearly 3 weeks, my 2 daughters 5-9, they for the last few years have been my true soulmates and I can barely find strength enough to breathe without them.
Alas for the last year she has wanted out of our marriage, become distant, become full of hatred towards me saying there was no one else, that it was the way I had treated her for 17 years, that she could only remember the bad times.
Today I find out that there has been most likely someone else, even though I was too blind with hope and trust to see it. ( the weekend worktrips,with no phone calls) so just 1 more nail added to my freefall.
I should have seen the signs, the irony in it all. In the past 2 weeks, my unsuspected seperation has shown me this, my 1st attorney for restraining order attack against me last name was that of my wife's maiden name, my 2nd attorney 1st and last name is the same as my 2 daughter's first names, the motel I stayed in for 2 weeks, was the same motel I stayed in after a brief seperation 13 years ago, the year we married in 1986 the Challenger blew up as it was lifting off, and last week the Columbia blew up on its way down.
Is it just me or is there something to it.......
......Oh by the way I forgot to add the last
movie we watched together 2 days before this
unexpected seperation ** SIGNS **

Yes Robert it can crashing down pretty quickly. Try and first and foremost take care of yourself, then try and make small steps towards recovery or acceptance so that you may rebuild the relationship with your Kids.

I had my last MC session last night and I am trying to cut out those things of my life that constantly remind me about the love that I have for my Wife so that in time it will become easier. This includes MC and sadly my best friend her brother. Neil.