Okay, I posted on Plan A/B and EN boards and got a few replies, but I am still not sure what to do. H again stated that he wants D, which I do not. For a wide variety of serious reasons I am simply not in the position to move out right now, which I told him. Here's the problem: he said "okay" we'll just live as roommates. BUT he still wants me to do things for him like cook dinner, do the shopping, tell him where I'm going etc.
I am so torn. I feel like my self respect is being pulled in 80 different directions. How can I just "shut off" my love and caring for someone and still live under the same roof? I have been trying to implement Plan A, but it seems that Plan B is necessary. Last night he told me that he would be willing to install a new phone line in the condo so that I am not disturbed by the calls from the OW (EA only, but serious).
I really don't know what to do. I have to be here for at least another 3-4 months -- should I just let him go through with the D and stop trying to stall it or what? At this point I am seriously beginning to doubt my sanity and self respect...Like have I become someone who just puts up with abuse for the sake of the marriage? I can't negotiate anything with him.
Any advice or questions? Please help!

been there, after X told us about MOW, he left then came back home. But with rules for me not him. He would stay but I had to do everything for him, cook, sex when he wanted it. X went out of his way to make me feel like a stranger in our home. only time he touch me was when he wanted sex, it made me sick. felt like I was sleeping with a stranger. needed 3 operations one was a tumor that I didnt know if it was breast cancer. If X D me I would not have any medicial insurance. I couldnt let him touch me anymore unless he gave up MOW, told him no to sex one night. X blew up, yelling at me that I told him NO. He was just waiting for me to say no so he would not feel guilty about leaving. He walked out a few days later. God was with me I sold the house within 2 weeks, true friends stood by me & got me though the D. Judge ordered him to pay COBRA insurance. moved with my son, our son has told him he didnt want anything to do with him after X got engaged to OW. Our life is better. Sometimes when you think your world is over it gets better. You have to make the choice. If I had to do over I would not have taken X back. As time goes by you will get over him. The pain does go away. I cried everyday when X left, but after thinking back to how he treated me over MOW I could see what a fool I was. got my life together and moving on.

m-17 1/2 yrs
c-13, 29, 8 gd
me-49, X 43
d-5-02

ow-32
c-3 under 11
m-10 yrs
d-7-02

There is no respect for you as a person in the situation you are in. You have to decide how long you will last (emotionally) under these conditions. If your H knows he wants a D, you are only prolonging your misery. Your WS is demanding entirely too much for any person to handle. I believe Plan A is negoitating with the WS to end the A and the next step is Plan B if they doesn't work. You were not born to make his life a piece of cake. I spent 5-6 months day after day trying to get my WS to see that I COULD not live as roommates and that I would not. Every time he came home late or was with OW, I again urged him lovingly to make a decision. I told him over and over he had to make a decision. I never stopped pressing the issues of a decision to work on things or separate. Finally I convinced him to leave but he was unhappy with that so he came back with no interest in working on anything. I spent another 4-5 months in the process of planning a move. IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I EVER DID but I do not regret it at all. It saddens me but no regrets.

I asked God to show me if the A was a catalyst for working on our marital problems OR an open door for me to get out of the M. God showed me the hopelessness of rebuilding and that this was my open door. I no longer have the pain of rejection, emotional abuse or longing for my WS to love me. I expect nothing from him now and that is a great place to be.

Hope you can get to a healthier place and keep working towards a resolution one way or the other. If I were you, I could not accept the roommate thing. That would slowly eat away any self-repect and give the feeling of entrapment. Bad place to be.

TW

Thank you TW -- I think you summed up my future in a nutshell. I truly hope that one day I will be able to say what you said: "I feell saddened by the situation" but I now longer wait for him to love me. I think, and a few of my friends and family members have been telling me this for years, that I have allowed myself to be so belittled by him that it is now harder than ever to dig myself out of the pit.
The thing that is so strange for me is that I do not have a history of abusive relationships. This is not a pattern that I have repeated over and over in my life. I have had to take drastic measures to get a few friends out of very, very abusive relationships, but never viewed myself as being in an emotionally abusive relationship. I guess that's the denial talking.
Somehow God will give me the strength to get through another day...and I pray it will be a day filled with self respect and confidence.
Thank you (mille grazie in italiano) for your thoughts, encouragement and for simply responding to my post. It does help to know that I am not alone with this problem.
Cheers,
1Red

1Red--you truly are not alone on this board. We all know the feeling of losing respect and hopelessness. Have you been struggling with marital problems before the A? This is a great place to really become self aware in how to not sabotage your relationships, to learn about yourself and how to understand what is needed in a good marital relationship. I was not aware of that fully and how to accomplish it before MB but now I know what I need and I tried to find out what my WS needed. He was too confused and would not leave behind the source of his confusion so I guess I will never know what he needed. I don't think he knows.

If your WS wants a divorce, how would you stop him?

TW

Red1, your WS's comment on wanting to "live as roommates" really struck me. My WH said something very similiar to me shortly before he left. He said couldn't we " just peacefully co-exist?" I was stunned and said, no, I loved him and could not live my life that way. I told him he needed to leave for a while and think about his feelings. He left that day and called each of our older daughters to tell them that I had "kicked him out"....

I've thought about that day often and wonder what would have happened if I had crumbled and said, sure, lets just see what happens and if you get the "feeling" back. He'd lived a double life for so long, having his cake and eating it too, that he simply could not adjust. In the end he would rather sacrifice his wife, family and marriage of nearly 29 years than do without the freedom of indulging himself the OW or other women, plural. Just had to be free and unaccountable for his actions. That way there is no guilt. It's a mutually agreed upon roomie relationship. How nice for them, while we bleed to death....

Stay strong - life lived walking on eggshells is no life at all.