Hello everybody. I am new to this forum after a 1 year and half affair ending in divorce. My husband and I were married for 4 years and I had an EA which ended up in a PA. I told my husband about it after 6 mos. and he found this website. He made great efforts to follow the advice given here starting with plan A and then being forced by me to go to plan B. Basically plan B was just an excuse for me to see the OP. Of course the OP turned out to be more awful than I could have ever imagined. The point is that my husband filed for divorce and we ended up getting divorced in November of 2001. He gave me the ultimatum of giving up the OP or divorcing. I knew I still loved my husband, but I couldn't let go of the addiction. I then had a nervous breakdown and started getting serious help to get stabalized. Since then, I have left the OP and it has been almost 6 months since I had contact. Each day I come more and more out of the fog and closer to God. I know I have been forgiven by God, however, the guilt still lingers and feels like a bad dream. Sometimes I feel like I am going to wake up and none of this happened. It was so awful. My X and I have kept in contact the whole time even though we have both been dating other people. Now I am at a point where I realize so much about what was good in our marriage, what a great guy I married and how it is bibically correct to reconcile my marriage. I know he still loves me but has, for obvious reasons, hardened his heart and is extrememly leery of me.

Is there any chance for reconciliation after the pain and humiliation I caused my X in front of friends and family? If so, how do I go about it? I am having such a hard time with this b/c I still love him and I don't want to ever hurt him again.

Any advice would be helpful. I apologize for the long email.

Sincerely,
Is it too late?

Hi IITL,

Welcome to MB's.

I think what you posted is great!! What powerful words of a person on there way to recovery. I don't know if it's too late for a restoration of marriage, it really depends on how much damage was done and how well the relationship was prior to d-day, but most of all prayer.

You made mention of some words that would cause any BS man to pause and think about reconciling, you said:

Quote:

He made great efforts to follow the advice given here starting with plan A and then being forced by me to go to plan B. Basically plan B was just an excuse for me to see the OP. Of course the OP turned out to be more awful than I could have ever imagined.

These kinda words it what will tear down the wall your exh has, to know the OM was far less than he was will help his ego believe it or not, so you have some work to do in that area. Every man has some sort of ego. You must let him know this.

Now that you realize what happened and despite you want to reconcile, you have to become mentally and emotional healthy again, its a journey but you can do it, I think a former WS can turn out to be great once they have repented and come clean of what they're doing. You've made some excellent steps.

Ouote:

I knew I still loved my husband, but I couldn't let go of the addiction. I then had a nervous breakdown and started getting serious help to get stabalized. Since then, I have left the OP and it has been almost 6 months since I had contact. Each day I come more and more out of the fog and closer to God.

Cutting contact with OM is the best thing you could have done, you'll thank yourself later as time goes on. OM will seperate you from God.

Quote:

Now I am at a point where I realize so much about what was good in our marriage, what a great guy I married and how it is bibically correct to reconcile my marriage. I know he still loves me but has, for obvious reasons, hardened his heart and is extrememly leery of me.

The hardened heart comes from the pain of betrayal, you'll have search it out of what a BS goes through after D-day and DV, while WS is with OM/OW. I think when you start working on you and understand your weaknesses and emotional needs, you'll began to see where you went wrong and will know why exh feels hurt. I'm sure with your exh coming to the MB's site doing a plan A and B, he learned where he went wrong with you and tried to fix it, you gotta do your homework now to heal.

Keep posting and reading info on the MB site. Many people are here to help you, I am curious though if you remember what your Exh screen name is if not to personal? Maybe he still helps us today and post regularly. He may just be estatic you're coming out of the fog and want to reconcile, If my exw turned around like you who knows what might happen, she was a good woman prior to the multiple A's. God can change the hearts of people.

Thanks for posting and your post are not too long.

Take Care

Is it too late:

Hello. We are so glad you are here, and have heard God's voice in your own life.

Prayer is the best ally you have at this time. It is common for BS's heart to harden during a thing like this. It is the most hurtful, painful thing a human can go through (IMO).

We pray for restoration of M's every week. We would love to have you join our circle of prayer warriors. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Look for Cajunky's posts in D/D board. No need to post, unless you'd like to place your story there. Many (like myself) would be encouraged by your courage.

God Bless,

Dear Everlasting Compassion,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I was so afraid that people would avoid the WS on this forum. You are so right about the man's ego. I am going to concentrate on building him back up when we talk and then continue to rebuild myself emotionally. I have been working so hard but there is soooo much left to work on! It seems like I'll never stop grieving.
I don't know what my XH name was on this site. He kept it private from me so that I wouldn't know how he was checking up on me at the time. I do know that he spent a lot of time chatting with someone called SKM. It would have been about a year or so ago. I don't think he has been back, but I could be wrong. He seems pretty hardened to the idea.

Again, thank you so much for your words. Do you mind if I ask...are you divorced? How long?

Anyway, talk to you later.
IITL

Lupolady:
Thank you for your post. I would love to join the prayer warrior's. How do I do that? I am so new to the chat rooms that I have a hard time navigating. You might have to give me details.

You're are right. Prayer is the best thing. I am just trying to pray and trust God everyday knowing that he has my best interests at heart. God has forgiven me and I work everyday to forgive myself. The earthly consequences are so hard. I am so afraid I'll mess up again and have to go to hell and back like I did. I hope that the horrifying memories will keep me from ever making that mistake again.

Thank you again. I'll start looking for your posts.

God's Blessings to you,
Is is too late?

IITL, your changed attitude and restored heart is a cool, summer breeze to a BS? It thrills me to hear you say what you are saying. We long to hear what you are saying and it is so great to hear a WS change direction.

You have to continue to work on yourself and if trust can be built back up, you may be able to mend what has been done. It may take a lot of time and energy. You have to decide if you want to put in the time/energy. When two people are involved, one never knows where things will go.

Don't listen to lies and teach yourself how to distinguish between what is right and what is harmful. God wants what is best for you so let him guide you and love you through this.

TW

IITL-

I've read your post and wanted to commend you on the positive steps you've been taking. Is it too late? There's only one way to find out...Keep making those positive changes in your own life and try to open those lines of communication with your XH. R after D can and does happen, so go for it...Good luck!

IsItTooLate,

Welcome to MB. You might find the stories by Kily and Hopeful_Person in the General Questions section of this site of interest. They are in the same position you are.

If you want to find your exH's posts go search out SKM's posts. There are a lot of them. She hasn't posted here in a long time. If you look toward the top of the page below the Marriage builders LOGO, you will see the word "search". Use that. Select the Recovery section (I think most of her posts are in that section) and then for a name or phrase type in SKM. You won't find them all but you will get a fair number. Now you will have her member number and the date of the earliest post the search listed (it lists only a limited number) You can use the date to specify searches earlier so that you get new ones.

I suspect you will be able to find your H's posts after some reading. If you find someone that looks as if he may be your H, click on the glasses at the top of the post and this will open a new screen. Look on the right side and you will see Recent Posts, click on that and you will get the 50 most recent posts.

THis can help your search. Why am I telling you this? I think it might be useful to read your exH's posts. It may help you in your relationship with him.

I am sure you realize that you have set out to do a difficult thing. Your H has been badly damaged from what happened, and he may simply not want to risk it again. But, there are ways to rebuild marriages and relationships. I wish you the best of luck.

Please do some reading in the GQ section and the Recovery sections of this board. You will learn and see things in a different way.

God Bless,

JL