My husband and I met 6 years ago. Before we married we talked alot because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page on what we wanted in life. I wanted children, a home, and to be happy. I wanted my children to have any opportunity they wanted no matter how hard we needed to work and I wanted to have a loving and active love life with my husband, for us to support each other in our endeavors and be there for each other in our lows. He said he wanted all the same things until after we married. We had communication problems, he was demeaning to me verbally daily, and while I was having our children and couldnt work he would make sure I knew he was supporting me (he stated that repeatedly everytime we had a disagreement). After 2 years of this I told him I couldnt do it anymore and wanted out--we agreed to go to counseling. It seemed to be working and I fell back in love with my husband--I got pregnant with my third chikd ( I had one before we married)and found out in the last trimester from my doctor that I needed to be treated for ghonoria (a std that I had tested negatively for in the first trimester by the way) and I thought I would die. I still cry when I think about it (like now). Luckily my doctor tests for it at the end (for this reason she says--she sees it all the time)because my son could have been born blind I wasnt treated for it. My son is fine.

My husband tried to deny it and then admitted it. He said he was sorry but never acted so. Swears he has never and would never do it again but I cant trust him because he doesnt seem like he is really sorry and when we have talked about it, he lays the blame partially on me. I have tried not to think about it and tried to forgive and go on but I cant. He still belittles me, he seems to sabotage every effort I have to suceed personally and professionally. This last weekend I had a chance to be promoted if only I make $700 in sales this weekend---sooooo attainable. I just needed to be out all weekend working to do it(just during the day sat and sun). I explained this to him Friday night and asked for his support. He responded that he would. At 11 am Saturday after only one and a half hours out he calls making a big deal about not having anything to do and one thing led to another and we were fighting and I couldnt do any more sales with my eyes all red and puffy. I went back out and tried to relax and get back into the zone but couldnt--I was so hurt and upset. So Sunday I decided to try again--I got into the zone and went out--2 hours later he calls me and yells about where the hell I am, after reminding him of what I was out there doing (promotion, company car and much more money for my daily efforts) he stated that he was not going to stay in the house all day and to get home. Again puffy, red eyes made me unable to face people. We fought and eventually came to an agreement that he would go bowling for an hour alone and then be back so that I could go to the Bingo hall to sell (my goal still attainable). He came home an half hour late and you can only sell at the Bingo hall before and during intermission. The before being my best bet but I was actually 5 minutes late for Bingo by the time I got there because he was late. I had explained how important this was to me, and to our family. I had told him before he went bowling how important it was for me to get to the Bingo hall---that this was my last chance at getting my goal. But he didnt care.

I think its time to leave him but I so wanted not to fail at this--but it seems I dont have another choice.

Kaenoss,

Was just kind of browsing the posting and noticed no one responded to you, so thought I would post something to let you know you are not a lone. I noticed this was your first post, so just wanted to say welcome. Based on what you wrote, can certainly understand why you are contemplating a divorce. Does not sound like your marriage is much fun for you at this time. Just some thoughts, but not sure that that the place for you to be in in the divorce section here. You mentioned that your husband had an affair in the past, and you might want to check out some of the infidelity related sections of this board. Before you decide on a divorce or seperation, would certainly encourage you to learn all you can about affairs and how to recover from them either in the marriage or outside of it if you would eventually divorce. Another thing that you might want to think about is to get into some individual counciling. That was something I did that has greatly improved my own outlook on life. Anyway, just wanted you to know you are not alone and to keep coming back here, either to this board or one of the others on infidelity. (p.s. might want to post on the infidelity General Questions or Just Found out sections. You will probably get more responses to your post.) Hang in there and take care of yourself and get all the help you can.

God's strength and much patience to you.

Kaenoss --

I want to add my welcome as well. I can see why you're here with us and I'm sorry for this turmoil in your life.

Let's see if we can get you some help with this. I agree with Tom: we should get you moved over to Just Found Out or even General Questions II (just copy and paste). I think you'll do much better in one of them.

When "the team" breaks down, when one member doesn't do the job, the whole team suffers. In your case, your entire family pays the penalty, you, your children, even your husband. Doesn't sound as if your H cares about anybody except himself and you are trying to deal with the results of that selfishness every day. A difficult task.

You can't trust your H because he's not helping you to restore that trust. Words are easy and cheap; walking the walk is the hard and expensive part. He can "apologize" all he wants but if it doesn't result in behaviorial changes, it's all meaningless. He's got to help you heal. He's got to provide the firm foundation upon which your relationship can recover. That's his responsibility since he's the betrayer. You can't trust him yet because he's not trustworthy yet. It's that simple.

Can he be trustworthy? Of course. Does he want to be? Well, doesn't seem like it so far. If he could be what he should be for you, would you want to stay together? If your marriage could give you what you need, would you reconsider this divorce? It can happen. No promises, no guarantees, but certainly possible.

Remember, Kaenoss, you haven't "failed" with this marriage. It takes two working together and even then it's hard to make it work well. When one partner works against the relationship, the other is left trying to pick up the pieces, which is your case. But this isn't about you; it's about H's poor and very weak and irresponsible choices.

But H can make good and decent and healing choices as well. He can start today to repair the crippling damage he's done to your marriage. But he's got to want to. Recovery is a long, difficult, painstaking road, but it's a journey that is so worthwhile. The easy way is to turn your back and walk away. The difficult path, but the ultimately best one, is to recommit and work through the problems.

Read all you can from this site and others. Look at the articles and books available here. Lots of excellent stuff available. Get back into counseling. Post here and let us help you through this darkness. Don't give up hope. Without hope, we're diminished and stumbling. You always have a choice. You can get a divorce anytime.

I'm glad you've found us; we'll help you all we can. Post again and keep us up to date with things. How old are you and H? Your children? Kaenoss, we're here when you need us...

Ammon

Hi,
Sorry to hear that u are going through so much pain! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I understand the trust issue all to well, my H lies to me all the time i think he may be cheating on me but not sure. I agree with Tom try going to general questions 2 they seem to post alot there, and alot in there is about A ok? take care thinking about u.

I want to thank all who responded but especially Ammon and Tom---its feel so good not to be all alone. I actually cried reading your posts as they made me feel some validation for my feelings and I havent had that for so long.

I want to thank you sooooo very much!!!!

I will follow your advice and have printed your responses as they are a source of strength to me.

Kaenoss
Married 6 years, 3 children (10,4,2)

Kaenoss --

I'm very glad you've posted again; we were wondering what had happened to you!

BTW, as long as you're here with us at MB, you're not "always alone," -- maybe you'll want to reconsider your signature line . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for the added info. Are your 10, 4, 2 children boys, girls, mixed? Sounds like a great group! Don't forget to give them extra hugs and bedtime stories; they're all too aware of this tension and instability in their family, much more than we would ever believe. Important for H to give them special attention too.

So, how are you doing? You seem brighter in this morning's post. Have you reached any conclusions? I remember you saying before that you felt you didn't have a choice about leaving him; have your feelings changed any, are you reconsidering, are you marking time? Any changes with H?

Keep us in the loop. Fill us in on life at your end. We do care and we remain here for you...

Ammon

Thank you Ammon for your support,

I have a 2 girls (10 and 4) and one boy (2). They are definitely aware of the tension and the screaming that we do. I want out sooooo bad. I feel in pain every day. Yesterday was Valentines---I hate Valentines, no more needs to be said for your to get the idea.

I cant change the signature as even though I feel a little better after reading your posts, I am still very much alone here when he tells me how worthless I am and what a B**** and a C*** I am because I wouldnt watch the kids last night at 10pm so he could go get me a Valentines gift (yes, that was 10pm Valentines night after he went bowling while I was home with the kids). I am afraid he is making me crazy and I am afraid that I cant function day to day for my children if nothing else.

I listened all morning how terrible I am since I didnt let him go out (at 10 pm) and find me a gift.

I dont know what to do anymore.

Danyell

Danyell --

I'm so very sorry that you're going through all of this cruel, unnecessary, and very degrading garbage from H. There is no excuse for the insults, verbal abuse, and turmoil that your H brings into your home. I feel so badly for you and for your family; your pain comes right through my screen. (((((Kaenoss)))))

What you have to do, what you absolutely must do is to stay strong for your children. They're young enough to be bewildered and threatened by H's brutal and inhumane assaults on you, and to be affected by them for a long time to come. You HAVE to hang in there, for your children, for yourself, and really for H too (although right now he doesn't deserve it!).

I certainly hear you about V-Day. Most of us going through our own turmoil would rather the day and its baggage didn't exist. Wasn't always that way for us and it won't necessarily continue to be so painful for us in the future, but for now...we'd rather skip it!

Seems in your case, H screwed up (again!) by forgetting or ignoring a gift and was probably more angry at himself for that (guilt) but chose to take it out on you (who hadn't done a thing). H sounds like a very unhappy man; certainly a very inconsiderate and immature one. No, you shouldn't have to put up with any speck of his garbage. It's no wonder you don't know which way to turn. H didn't handle any part of that well.

I still say that you need to get back into counseling. Forget H for now; do this for YOU! Maybe consider some mild antidepressants. Can you tell H in a gentle way how immensely unhappy you are? Is a "trial separation" to relieve the daily tension still a consideration for you?

This is so difficult to do at all, let alone try to do well. I am convinced that we're not given these burdens in our lives without reason. I believe that there's purpose to what is happening to each of us. We're never given more than we can handle.

The only way to get from the top of one mountain to the top of the next is to go down into the valley which separates them. Then we have to climb back up the other side. But climb we will! As hard as this is, Danyell, you CAN do it!

Let us continue to help. Post any time and every time you want or need to connect with us. Let us walk this path with you. You're not alone...

Ammon

Danyell --

How're you doing? We haven't heard for you for awhile and I'm just checking in with you to make sure you're still with us.

Hope you're doing OK with everything. Please let us know that you're hanging in there. We care...

Ammon

Hi,

Its me---I am so glad to have your emotional support Ammon. Thank you for your concern and advice.

I do believe you are right about the counseling as I do feel more crazy everyday I am here in this house. I will be seeking it this week. \

After my last post I quite literally went haywire and kind of lost it.

My H says if I want to leave so be it but without the kids and he wont leave so I am trapped in this place for now but I refuse to let him control my mind anymore with his idiocy.

I can only post sporadically as I run multiple businesses and am very busy normally.

I hope to talk soon,
Danyell

Danyell --

Glad to hear from you again. Post when you can. You know that whenever you get a chance, we'll be right here to read it.

Glad you'll be going back into counseling. Sorry to hear about your "haywire" episode, but sometimes things pile up and become almost unbearable. We all need an occasional pressure-release valve; we're only human! You've been in this high-stress situation now for at least a couple of years. That constant pressure has to take a toll after awhile. The counseling should provide you with some coping mechanisms and some much-needed local and direct support.

"I refuse to let him control my mind anymore..." -- Yes! He can do that only if you allow it. Good to hear your strength and resolve. Enough is enough!

You certainly don't want to be without your three children and disrupting their lives by moving them at this point would certainly add more turmoil to the situation for them. But, how comfortable and "safe" do you all feel? Are you OK staying put for now? Do you still feel, as you did a month ago, that some time apart perhaps would relieve some of your "craziness" and "let the dust settle" for a bit, change the dynamic of the relationship?

We'll just bide our time and await your next posting opportunity. Let us know about your counseling. Hang in, Danyell, for all of you...

Ammon