I have been considering asking for a seperation/divorce from my husband for 3 weeks now...we seperated about 7 months ago, and got back together, everything was great for awhile, but I am once again feeling depressed and like I just don't love him like I should. I feel it isn't fair to him or to myself to continue on like this. Last night he kept asking me what was wrong, and all I could say was nothing..stress from work, etc. I am going to call him at lunch and give him the news. I have been with him for 9 years and still feel that I cannot open up with him face to face. He has had a bad temper the whole time we have been together, and I have never felt comfortable talking with him face to face. Has anyone else called to tell their spouse they wanted to seperate instead of telling them in person before? The last time I left a letter, I feel it is in a way chickening out, but that is the only way I can get courage to do it.

This is from a previous post,
I am not even sure why I have chosen to stay married...I am so confused with everything that has happened...and me and the OM work together, so it is really hard not to contact each other at all...but i am going to try your advice about calling a friend, etc. I haven't told my husband anything about the affair, nor did he tell his wife. Which I know that this affair has been the cause of alot of problems between me and my husband, I have gone through all the stages of depression, etc. over this man, and my husband has no idea why I go through them.

I believe your wanting to separate is because you are still confused about everything. This is "normal." Don't make a decision until you can do it with a clear mind. Since you cannot face him to ask for a separation, you are still unsure of what/why you want it.

Have you had ANY contact at all with om?

Yes, me and the OM are still in contact every single day at work...I came down to the point that if I couldn't stop contact with OM, I would leave, because I obviously don't love my husband enough to make the right decision.

But, its not even about the OM, me and my husband have had alot of problems and I just feel like i have fallen out of love with him, we disagree on everything in our lives. I have changed alot throughout the years, especially after having a child, and I feel like I need to see who I am, I have never taken the time to do that, it has always been about me and him.

I can tell you some of who you are Jen. You are a married woman who has a child with your husband. You are a woman that apparently does not care enough about your family to do everything to preserve it. You are a woman that is not willing to look at herself, but rather hides behind the excuse that "I don't love him the way he deserves." This is rubbish. This is saying, 'OK, I am the bad one here, but it just doesn't matter. I want what I want for me, and it really doesn't matter what is good for my child or children nor my family.'

That is what I can see in the few lines you have written. You probably even think that there is nothing 'really' between you and this other man. How obsurd !! Come one Jen, you are an adult. If you are going to make a decision, at least have the fortitude to say it like it is.

I hope that you DO NOT CHOOSE this path. It is obvious that even with your issues, that your husband loves you. You feel like you are missing something. Well, not only you, but your child and husband will be missing something if you choose this action. And truthfully, you will be looking back on this in a few months saying, 'What was I thinking?" "Who was that person?" "Why didn't I do counseling rather than run?" Because no matter how you look at it, that is what you are doing. And to make matters worse, you are not even strong enough to say it in person. Don't hide behind you 'husband's temper'. This has nothing to do with that. I can feel it in your words that it is simply shame and guilt, but not enough to change your behavior and choice, just enough to avoid being forthright. In essence you need to, for lack of a better term "Be a man". Face up to your choices. He deserves to see you face to face with this sort of news.

I am sorry for my intense feelings, but I feel that this is just a load of crap. I hope that you choose differently. And I will be here to give you my side and feelings. You can always skip my posts, but realize that even the posts that you don't want to hear may help you in your decisions.

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

well...formerly confused...I don't know what you have been through in your past, but obviously alot...sounds like you have alot of built up anger. I am always open for opinions and advice, but you don't anything about my past with my husband, so don't act like you do. I have been with this man for 9 years, and it has been up and down the whole time...I am open for opinions, but you can put them in a nice way...there is no need to make someone feel worse. And I don't know if you have been through a seperation but it isn't easy...I am not making excuses for anyone..especially myself, that is why I am taking the blame for it all.

(((Jeneca)))

I'm curious as to what has transpired over the past 3-4 months since you first posted in this forum.

Has you husband continued to make progress?

What have you done to work on yourself?

I do feel that if are going to leave, unless you feel danger from abuse, that you should tell him face to face.

I can most definitely relate to you wanting to phone your husband and talk of divorce or seperation. I have done it and almost did it this morning.

I am in the same boat as you. I am no longer "In Love" with my husband. I have been talking divorce for over a year. He doesn't hear me. I am to the point the only thing I can do is just move out. My health is declining and my depression is overwhelming..so I know how you feel..

Just wanted to put my two cents in on understanding the "not in love with" part.

Wishing you luck and Happiness.

I'll try to be gentle on this issue, too. The thing about MB, is that it is based on the notion that the feeling of love is an emotional byproduct of sharing positive experiences with someone. Basically, infatuation is one thing, but real love is something different. Plan A is an example of that -- by showing someone how much you care, and avoiding LB's, they WANT to come to you and reciprocate the care they receive.

Now, if you really don't feel safe around him, because of physical abuse or the threat of it -- get yourself to safety! If he has a temper and he gets angry, you don't need to cower -- you can assert yourself or get out of there. We might define assertiveness in this scenario as asking others to respect your rights without disrespecting theirs.

Basically, this website is intended to get people to do some soulsearching -- such that we can identify our own behaviors that contributed to the marital breakdown and make changes. Without turning that rock over, and looking at just our partners flaw's -- we run into the very real possiblity of merely repeating our mistakes over and over again -- and having regrets that we really didn't try.

The old chestnut is that every time we point a finger, there are three staring back at us.

I concede I don't know everything about your relationship, I didn't have to live it. MB is about finding ways to build marriages, NOT the reasons for why we should give them up -- based on the other spouse's shortcomings.

Nine years is a long time. I'm sure your patience has worn terribly thin, if any patience still exists. You are to be commended for sticking it out. It's always to our best interests to take the time to do an honest self-evaluation, too.

It's tough to care for someone you're not in love with -- but we do it all the time. The people we care for generally respond with the same amount of care, if not more. That's an MB principle at its best.

The righteous path always brings real joy. Happiness is based on what is "happening" right now -- generally fleeting, and we often make the wrong decisions to achieve that fleeting, albeit immediate gratification.

However you decide, I wish you the best and pray that the Good Lord guides you as to what is right -- not what makes you happy for just right now. If you're truly in danger -- go out and get help!

God Bless!

Jeneca,

If you leave your H are you going to go to the OM?
Has OM been encouraging you to leave your H?

The reason I pose those questions to you is that's what happened to me.

My W was involved for who knows how long with someone else and I didn't have a clue. Looking back now I have a pretty good idea when it was going on. She and I interacted much like you and your H are. She went from being happy to miserable almost overnight and wouldn't tell me why. She seemed to be constantly distracted.
Spent hours online after I went to bed. She would have outbursts of screaming at the girls and I which is something she had never done.

Thirteen months ago I get home from work to find a note but no family. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

She didn't even call me to say she had decided to leave.

Would it have been better if she had told me in person? Honestly, after a year of going through all this crap I really don't know. In some ways leaving a note may have made it easier on both of us but at the time I wanted to die.

What hurts me more than the way she chose to leave is that she NEVER told me she was unhappy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

She never gave our family a chance.

Fast forward to the present. We've been speaking lately, good thing I guess. She's done with OM. Actually told me he dumped her. He doesn't like kids.

We've talked at length about the difficulties we had, which were few, and I realize my part in this mess as well.

My W tells me now that she wishes she had just left OM and ME and been alone awhile just to think.

Now she's talking about coming back. There's one problem with that.............I'm not sure that I want that, her, that is. Her and OM did some cruel things to me during their giddy courtship. I have forgiven her. Him, never.

I've healed for the most part. Still not interested in dating at all. Just happy with myself for now. I don't hate my W, I just feel indifferent towards her.

Please, before you make the decision to leave your husband do what you can to distance yourself from the OM for awhile to clear your head.

This is a huge decision and will cost you and your H so much, both emotionally and financially.
There are soooo many other options.

Take it from one who knows.

Yes, me and the OM are still in contact every single day at work...I came down to the point that if I couldn't stop contact with OM, I would leave, because I obviously don't love my husband enough to make the right decision.
So you know the "right" thing to do is stay with your husband.

But, its not even about the OM
Then get a job somewhere else and do not ever have any contact with om again.

me and my husband have had alot of problems and I just feel like i have fallen out of love with him,
It's possible. This is normal for ANY relationship. Feelings go up & down all the time. To believe your affair has nothing to do with the feelings you now have for your husband is sticking your head in the sand.

I have changed alot throughout the years,
Everyone does.

especially after having a child
So now you want to destroy this childs life by divorcing her father?

and I feel like I need to see who I am, I have never taken the time to do that, it has always been about me and him.
When you first started dating your h, wasn't it ONLY about YOU in the beginning? After the feelings start to develop, that is when you want to be the giver in a relationship.

I feel like I need to see who I am
Right now you are a mother & a wife. That is your priority. You can see who you are after your child grows up.

Does this mean you want to continue the affair with om/have other relationships with other men?

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Just to answer some of the questions you all had for me:

LostHusband - He has made some progress, but still carries on with the same old ways...staying out with friends, working late hours, and very hot temper.

I have worked on myself, but haven't done a very good job at cutting things off completely with OM, we have remained friends.

Gettingbetter - No, I am ot going to be with OM, he is married with 3 kids.

OM has in no way encouraged me to leave, we are not going to be together, and we are just friends.

Now....Chris - When I said the "right decision" I didn't mean it was to stay in my marriage, I meant to cut things off completely with OM.

I don't feel like being depressed and seperating for numerous reasons is normal for any relationship. I know that every relationship has its ups and downs. I feel that not being able to communicate the way you want/need to face to face with someone is kind of a problem. We were 16, I am pretty sure we have both done a lot of changing. How long were you and you your spouse married or how long have ya'll been married...also how old where ya'll when you got together?

Jenaca,

Please don't be offended but I'll be happy to never hear the phrase "just friends" for the rest of my life.

Best of luck

MOW told me they were just friends. I hate that word. Their so-called friendship destroyed 2 families. When my X came back, he never gave our M a chance. admitting it was only oral sex. X tried to find fault with everything I did. He wanted a reason to leave me. He knew his parents would be upset if he just walked out. So he told them lies about me, claiming the friendship story. they are engaged. We lost everything to lawyers, X lost his only son who wanted nothing to do with OW. OW kids says he is mean. our son calls OW a whore. OM maynot leave his wife & children. What happens if she finds out about you? how old is OM? are you the younger woman? x told me he was feeling old, and the younger woman who noticed him made him feel young again. He told me he never thought it would cost him his M. He is bitter blaming me for the A & D. You need to talk with someone who can help you. A person who doesnt know you or H. Give your M a chance.

m-17 1/2 yrs
c-13, 29, 8gd
me-49, x-43
d-5-02

ow-32
c-3 under 11
m-10yrs
d-7-02

Shooting from the hip....but you asked for help to leave your husband, and (short of him abusing you in some way) you aren't going to get support for that here.

You cannot make a valid judgement about your family with the OM anywhere on the scene. It CANNOT be done. He is a constant reminder to you of the 'excitement' and falsely lures you away from your marriage because 'singledom' seems like it will be just as exciting as it was with OM.

Whether or not YOU think you can ignore the influence he DOES project just by being around you on your decision, what about your H? Can HE be the best he is knowing you go to work every day and talk to the OM? I bet not, because it is the most painful thing on earth is knowing your spouse had an affair with someone and does not care about the marriage enough to do ANYTHING to save it, even if that means quitting a job.

Here is my advice. Leave the job. NEVER contact OM again. TELL your husband you did this for the both of you. Then work on your marriage AND yourself and your life will surely improve.

Since my marriage disolved, I have learned one important thing. Keep telling yourself how BAD a situation is, and it will be...let's hear you talk about the good things in your marriage. Concentrate on your husband's good qualities and do NOT go on about the past nine years...we have ALL been there. Think about today, this moment and learn how it can save your future.

For the record, my X told me over the telephone he wanted to separate. It was a gutless act. I think he was afraid that being with me to tell me may have stirred up his feelings for me, or he didn't want to see the hurt, or maybe he just didn't care. Is this why you want to do it by mail?

Read all you can here. You CAN save your marriage, even if you think that RIGHT NOW you don't want to. Take the first step. It is the hardest, but the first on the road of chance for a fulfilling marriage.

Love and light,

Jacky

PS: I am OVER my anger, so please don't assume my comments come from that. I am just very sad that my X just did not want to try. These days it is too easy to just throw away marriages like trash when you tire of them. That sucks in my opinion. No-one ever got what they wanted for free. Everything takes hard work.

Jenaca,

Sorry to 'go along with the crowd' but I agree with everyone here.

I am the LB...my X seperated and quickly divorced me as well...I never had a clue it was coming then. Same patterns of behavior - she thought I had a temper, she couldn't talk to me (she thought), yadda yadda. I thought maybe her and I did have a problem - then.

Few months into it her asst. mgr moved in with her..just friends..I knew then what was going on. Needless to say they are now 'happily' engaged and planning to marry in June. Looking to buy a house and the rest.

Anyway ... I suggest you think long and hard about this. As a now single father of my 2 wonderful kids, I can attest to the pain they will go through. My kids are still dealing with it and its only going to get worse as they get older and begin to understand relationships.

The decision to seperate/divorce should not be made lightly. It causes far more damage and more problems than it could ever hope to 'fix'. Perhaps by telling your husband 'nothing' is wrong you are contributing to the problem - I wish my X would have told me something was wrong then. I still don't have a clue what happened, and if I did I could have/would have fixed it.

Think about it and listen to those of us that have been there and done that whether by choice or not.

My point in all this is that you CANNOT make a sound decision while the om is still in your life.

How long were you and you your spouse married or how long have ya'll been married...also how old where ya'll when you got together?
We met when we were 16, got married 2 1/2 years later. My wife took off after 19 years I divorced her 3 years later (one year ago.)

We were married for 2 years, 2 daughters, now 17 & 12. I have sole custody. She never hasn't spoken to the kids in a year. She doesn't even know she is divorced.

She wrote about why she left in a b-day card to my oldest.
"I never lived alone. I got married and moved out of my parents house and lived with your dad."

She DID live alone for almost 6 months after we gat married. We both joined the Air Force and she went overseas 6 months before me. We didn't have kids until 6 years after we got married.
She ran off with om. So how is that living alone?

now...we seperated about 7 months ago, and got back together, everything was great for awhile,
Does he know about your affair? You OWE it to your husband to let him know about the affair.

Assuming he doesn't/didn't know about your affair, then things were better after you came back but HE DID NOT KNOW why you left to begin with! This is why it went bad again. Also, you still dealing with the om IN ANY WAY will stop ANY progress you may have in your marriage.

You OWE it to your children & your husband to work it out.

I just want to say thanks to everyone for their opinions and advice...Yesterday was the hardest day of my life...I don't think I have ever, ever cried that much. Me and my husband talked about divorce, and we are going to try going back to church, and he is going to give up drinking completely...and I will stay with family in the mean time. I feel that we CAN get through this, it is just going to take alot of HARD work for both of us. Seeing how hard he wants to try, I don't see how anyone can actually leave someone for good that they have spent 10 years of their life with. Please keep me in your prayers!!

Jenaca,

Just sticking around and saying nothing is wrong is not going to fix your marriage.

I don't know your story so let me ask you some questions...

Have you brought your husband to MB? Have you and he filled out the needs questionaire? Have you done counseling with the Harleys?

If you are not willing to do the above and you are to the point sneaking around again...having an affair again...Do him the favor....leave first. You will be making him a victim again if you don't.

It is not fair to anyone to cheat. You have options, help repair it or get out.

ANNA

<small>[ February 04, 2003, 07:44 AM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

Jen,

I know that you don't think that I understand your situation, that may be true, but the facts are that I care. Perhaps more than you can understand. And by caring, and supporting, that doesn't always mean agreeing. In fact, as I always tell my boys, "If I didn't care and love you so much, I wouldn't take the time to explain, I wouldn't care enough to get angry, I wouldn't feel enough to be hurt." So, I will tell you Jen, I do care, and sometimes that caring may come across as that I think you are foolish or out of your mind. But not on a whole.

I am extremely glad that you have decided to work on your marriage. I hope and pray that it will bloom. But I must tell you that there are so many pitfalls in your future, that unless you are honest with yourself, you will not allow this reconciliation to work. Even with your husband's absolute best effort, he will occasionally fail. If you see that as 'failure' on his part, there is no reason to even try. But if you can see the lessening of these times, the decreased severity, the decreased frequency... As PROGRESS, then you will have the opportunity to succeed.

Also, if you think that all the problems that are in your life are due to your husband's drinking and temper, then you will not succeed. My wife blamed me for everything, and listed them all for me. I changed every one of them, and she didn't feel any better, because even though the things that she named were real, they weren't the cause of her unhappiness. Therefor, even though all her 'problems' vanished, she still couldn't figure out why she wasn't happy, and so felt that it was still something that I was doing. I truthfully believe that she is unhappy for several reasons, based upon how she relates to the world in general. She takes no personal responsibility and blames everything on me, our children, her school kids, her co-workers, her mother, anyone at all but looking at how she interacts and perceives the situation.

I am not saying that is your case, but if you don't really figure out how your actions have supported your husband's actions and behaviors, then you will not be happy. I guarantee it. He may turn into the peach of all peaches, but it will not make you happy, because you have issues as well. Get away from the OM. NO ONE is strong enough to be uninfluenced by that part of the past on a daily basis.

I am here for you and your family. I may not be right, and I may not be wrong. Of course my past comes into play when I post. But it is exactly that past that allows me to see BS when it is so blatant. And this is the most difficult for those involved to see, the things that are right in front of your and his face.