My husband and I have been living apart for nearly a month now. I have a 4 y/o child from a previous marriage that ended because my ex husband got my best friend pregnant. That was 3 years ago. Anyhow, my husband and I have a baby who is 3 1/2 months old now. I am really a bit shocked with all of this. To my knowledge there is no infidelity, and I am pretty certain of this. The reason for all of this includes several different things. First my husband is very jealous of any contact I have with my ex husband. I have attempted to maintain a decent relationship with him for the sake of our daughter and because I see no reason to make an enemy of him. To try and make my husband more comfortable with everything, I've agreed to only drop off or pick up my daughter when he is present. There have only been two exceptions to this in the past year. One time was because my ex met me at my daughters school (public place) and the second time was because my I was supposed to go to my ex's house with only his girlfriend and my daughter there, but she had to go to work unexpected so my ex stayed there until I got there to pick her up. My ex gets upset almost ANY time wwe have to deal with my daughters father. He, in his own words, hates him. My ex husband also does not pay regular child support, because he was layed off and he's currently in school. I try to be understanding and am fairly certain that he will make up for it once employed again. He's also letting me claim our daughter on taxes again this year, which is his year to claim her, to try and make up for it. But this is a VERY sore subject for my husband. Second, we DO NOT agree on discipline issues. He feels that because he has been in my daughters life since she was 1 and because he supports her financially he should be able to make the rules and punishment along with me. I don't agree with alot of his rules and punishment. I think he is too hard on her. There are times when she's doing 4 year old stuff and he just gets entirely too upset about it. He thinks I'm way too relaxed about it though. I admit that I haven't always handled it the best, but I've finally come up with a solution that works as far as discipline goes. But we still don't see eye to eye on what needs to be disciplined. We were raised alot different. He's for spanking, I'm against it in most circumstances. He has changed a bit in the past 6 months. We live in an area where there have been over 13,000 lay offs, and his company has been hit pretty hard. They are still laying off. So that has really affected his attitude. His attitude has also changed towards me and my daughter since the birth of our son. Even my parents noticed it BEFORE they knew what was going on between he and I. It was as if he were obsessed with our son. It's like he is happy with him and no one else can do any right. He's even said that I and my daughter get on his nerves and that he is only happy around our son. I personally think some of what is going on is depression, but he won't admit that. He also drinks. If you ask him his drinking has absolutely nothing to do with it. He doesn't always get drunk, but I have not seen him in the past several months without a beer in his hand once home from work or on the evenings. Usually he has about 6, although some nights it may only be 3 or it might be as many as 12 plus Crown Royal. We have been remodeling a house as well, and the deadline for that is fast approaching. I've offered over and over to help with anything that I can. He's currently working on finishing out the basement. I've pointed out to him that it is normal to be very stressed. Alot of stressful things have happened in the last year, we got married, bought a house, had a baby, job uncertainty. He just feels like we argue too much and that he is not happy. We actually get along fairly well when my daughter is visiting her dad. But there are still other hot issues that when discussed make him upset. I know that blending a family is difficult and that it is the reason many marriages fail. I just don't want mine to. I'm currently staying with my parents, which is only a couple blocks away from our house. We talk everyday and I usually stay over there on weekends. We are going on a vacation together next week, for an entire week. I see some hope, but I also worry. He's stated that he thinks it would be better if we divorce but stay close to each other, because, again in his words, we get along better when we are apart. I have to agree, but I don't want our marriage to end. I love him so much, I just really think he is depressed. And because we don't have all the answers right now, he thinks it would be easier to divorce before we hurt each other any further. If we divorce he wants to still hang out, do things together, have sex, etc. Just not have the pressures and emotional upsets of marriage. I'm at a loss right now. I was a stay at home parent, but am going to look for employment once we get back from vacation. I would appreciate ANY advice. We tried marriage counseling, but it didn't work very well, my husband was totally unreceptive and felt she was picking on him. I don't know where else to turn for support. Thanks!

I'm sorry this is happening, and am interested in the background on this. What are your ages, length of marriage, when did the breakdown occur, etc...

Also, would you consider writing in paragraphs?

It's a little less daunting for me to read that way...

Thank you and God Bless!

The issues of support and raising children and ex-spouses will always be an issue in your lives,first of all, I'm a divorced father, REMARRIED, and I PAY support, reguardless of my work status, I was out of work for 9 mos, and support did not stop, and my ex-wife makes sure of it, YOU should demand the same, your husband has a right to be mad about that. Get a court order for support and demand your EX to follow it to the letter, you dont need to bleed him dry, just get SOMETHING in writing so your current husband has no complaints,and tell your EX its the law and this is how it will be.YOU allowing him a free ride is causing problems in your life.Your husband should have some say in disapline issues with the 4 yr old,the child must learn to respect him, IF you two openly fight and disagree on this the child will quickly pick up on this and play you both, kids are sharp on this division.IF you openly disagree about issues pertaining to a child, you will lose the battle with that child,as long as the child is not being abused allow a harsh punishment , THEN discuss it with hubby later and get it resolved, you can always recind a punishment.I'm a step-dad and i know they expect a lot, request that he consider being a bit less strict. As for his jelosey, thats a problem I've also faced and still face, thats not going to stop,MY WIFE accused me of cheating with my EXWIFE, and i resent it still to this day.People with TRUST issues are a tough bunch, he will never lose them, so you need to decide your next move, you have to request he work on it and see, OR end it all and cut your losses,I can tell you from my experience TRUST issues dont go away, and a lucky few learn to manage them so they dont destroy the relationship.My wife's trust issues have really put my attitude about our marriage in doubt. I married both times because I TRUSTED my partner, i dont have time to have TRUST issues.I HATE my wife's EXhusband, but I can say I TRUST her to be with him ALONE any time, sadly she has ZERO trust for me when I have to deal with my EX for the children, and as i say its ruining our marriage.PLEASE note, MANY blended families deal with all these issues, some better than others, IF you can look past this issue and can deal with it for another 18 years you have a chance.My wife is childish, and it sounds like your husband is also, its gotten harder and harder to look past this, good luck with your decision,i weigh all the good and bad points of my situation, and I too cant decide what to do, the sad part is time is wasting.....i've invested 12 yrs in s so-so relationship, I have to wonder if i made a mistake.

Thanks to both of you for replying.

Awake...

After posting I realized that I should have used paragraphs. They are much easier to digest!!

Anyhow, I am 24 and my H is 23. We just married in March 2002. We've known each other since grade school. Never dated in school, although we did know each other. We dated for about 2 years before we got married. We just had a son together in October.

I'm not sure when the breakdown actually occured. I think it's been a process that began with the hatred he has towards my past relationship with my ex-H. It also has to do with the discipline issues with my daughter. His stress really seemed to peak when the lay offs started getting intense.

Really though it seems that since our son was born, that's when things have gotten much worse. It's as though my feelings and my daughters ceased to matter as much. I was really upset when he told me that he really doesn't like being around me and my daughter. He doesn't like being around me because we argue, and he doesn't like being around my daughter because she disobeys at times. He's stated, "Well, she doesn't like me either." My God, she's 4!!! He's the adult. She didn't ask to get put in this situation. He was never so blunt before our son was born.

In fact during my pregnancy he was very sweet. He was helpful and went to every appointment. He was understanding, etc. But since our son has been born, his attitude towards me is so different. It's made me feel like a surrogate mother of sorts.

fortyone...

I can somewhat understand the child support issues. I do have a court order, but it was based on my ex's income before he was laid off. He currently pays approx. $80-150 per month, and he is letting me claim our daughter on taxes once again to help offset everything. So really, I don't feel like the support is too bad. That's the problem though, it's up to interpretation. And my H feels like it's not enough.

The discipline is such a difficult area. I HATE how harsh he is. I do let him have a say so. We have come up with a list of things we both feel are inappropriate, and the consequences. We came up with a mutually agreeable discipline. We count her and when she gets to 3 it's 4 minutes of time out. But putting it in to practice is a different matter. He counts nearly EVERYTHING. It's as though she can do nothing right in his eyes. I hate how it makes her feel. I feel guilty for allowing him to be so harsh. When I bring it up to him, he feels I'm too much of a push over. I'm a big believer in picking your battles with children. He wants to turn her in to a robot. She's 4!!! I can just sense that he prefers not being around her.

A great example happened just tonight. My ex called and said that I could drop of our daughter to his mothers tomorrow so she could stay the night with him tomorrow and Friday since we are going on vacation. I thought that would be agreeable to my H since I wouldn't see my ex-H when I dropped my daughter off. Boy was I wrong!! He under no circumstances wants, "His boy" to be around my ex's family. I stated that I was just simply dropping her off. He told me that he just does not want him to ever be around them. It's as if they are horrible people.

So I agreed to not go over there. That means that my daughter will miss going to her aunts basketball game. It makes me mad that he is so not understanding about this.

Am I wrong? Am I expecting too much out of him? I try to understand him. I won't be around my ex without him being there. I feel like he always expects more out of me.

On top of that, all this stress has really made it difficult to bond with our son the way I wish I could have. My milk production has been difficult to keep consistent, surely due to the stress. I'm mad at myself for thinking that he would NEVER do this to me.

So:

Thanks for filling us in. It sounds like you have a pretty good idea as to what is happening between you and your H, but are still searching for how and why.

If you haven't done so already, you should consider reading all the material in this site. It will give you a common language when searching for advice or support from others in this forum.

I don't really know what to tell you, other than somehow, your H's EN's aren't being met. You'll have to identify them, and do your best to fill them. When our EN's are filled, the feeling of love for the person filling them is a byproduct. We're all rather simple creatures that way.

The best place to start is to look at yourself. See what role you played in contributing to this current situation. There are a variety of things that could have affected how conscious you were about your behavior towards your H -- pregnancy, post-pardum, etc.

You have an incredible number of stressors in your life. It's probably a good idea to get into some counseling to help yourself through this. Talking with a real person is better than this forum for overall stress issues.

Once the emotional issues settle, maybe you can work on some things that make you happy first -- and then you can work on filling H's EN's...

God Bless You. You'll be in my prayers...

I can say its great of you to keep your EX family in the childs life, The tricky part is always balancing the contact with them to keep it from interfering with your new life, its hard to keep everyone happy sometimes,I can say the best way to manage this is set limits and make visitation times a standard thing that all can live with, this limits your present hubbys exposure to it all, HOWEVER,NEW HUBBY must realise HE KNEW you had a child from another life and it has other family, and since you all want to stay in the childs life He must learn to deal with it and NOT make it a life long issue.IF he cant do that, he may need to rethink his long term goals and your relationship,REMIND HIM that IF your relationship doesnt survive the issues He will end up being a PAYING, VISITING father who wants all the same consideration your Ex wants. I can honestly say it sounds like he's young, and has no clue of what the failure of your relationship can cost him in time, agrovation and CHILD SUPPORT. IF he's a nice guy and a good father who works hard to be a family but has some issues, work with him to work it all out, but it takes sacrafice on both ends, try counseling , if you cant afford it, try getting it from a minister at a church,IF he refuses it, that may be his answer to all the issues,IF he's not willing to work on the problems and seek a workable resolution, I'd plan on him not being in my life much longer.Its sad when people are so hard headed they cant work to meet in the middle,and if thats the case, why would you want to live with that all your life? i always try to be reasonable, but I'll never again be a door mat.IF he really loves you he will not expect you to BE a doormat.

STIL-

Sorry to read of the problems you've been experiencing lately in your M. I think it's admirable that you want to maintain a civil relationship with your X for the sake of your child. It's the right thing to do as long as he's not taking advantage of you. The upside to all of this is that you're so young you have plenty of time to make positive changes in your life!!

"He also drinks. If you ask him his drinking has absolutely nothing to do with it. He doesn't always get drunk, but I have not seen him in the past several months without a beer in his hand once home from work or on the evenings. Usually he has about 6, although some nights it may only be 3 or it might be as many as 12 plus Crown Royal"

It sounds like your H may indeed have a drinking problem. Unfortunately, I have a family member who is alchoholic so I know firsthand how devastating this disease can be. IMO, this is where you should start.....