I just need some feedback from people who are faced with divorce. When do you know its time to file for divorce? I'm havng such a hard time letting go and Im so full of fear. I don'tknow what else to do at this point. Any and all suggestions welcomed.

robbed.

This can be quite a dilema, one that I had struggled with for quite a while. For me, alcohol was involved so I started to go to alanon which has been a life saver. My sponsor suggested that I stay in awareness - which meant that I was just aware of how I was feeling without making any descisions untill I knew for sure. And you do, you just know.

Sometimes you have to clear your head long enough to be able to let thoughts in that are not based on pain, fear or anger. I took me about 18 months to get to the point that I accepted the situation for what it was & that I was willing to live with the consequences either way knowing that I will be ok. That doesn't mean I don't love my WH, it means that I can not continue to live like this.

I haven't read your story, so I don't know if you have done plan A or B.

Also, for me, prayer was instramental. I ask daily for God's guidance. For months I heard
go and I thought I knew what that meant. Then I came to the conclusion that I ddin't know so I asked God for clarification. The is a thread of mine " ..God could but do I believe that he would restore my M" - where I talk about my struggles.

I am headed to bed & not sure if any of this helps as I am soooo tired.

God Bless,

D.

Hello robbed,

I've not followed much of your story, however I just went to your recent posts and what became obviously clear and for whatever reason many MBers have not responded to some of your posts (especially the old timers, for they have much wisdom as I have read off and on). That said...I feel your pain reading some of your posts <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

As SA WS I have certainly felt the consequences of my behavior...where your WH is at in his feelings can sometimes shed light as to how quickly you proceed with dv> your emotional and psychological condition (sometimes contingent on how WS is processing and feeling about the whole ordeal) will determine if you're ready or not...many sessions of IC, SAA and other methods of intervention will facilitate the process of preparedness or recovery!

One caveat is that you should only proceed with dv when and I emphaize WHEN YOU ARE READY>>>not just a knee jerk, gut reaction to proceed based on spiked emotions (which resounds in your threads) or influence from outside sources (friends and family)...only when you are ready. And just the opposite holds true, this process may just enlighten you and your WH to the point of recovery!

Take CARE and God's Blessings!

Godspeed!
S

H came back home to try to make his M work. That lasted less than a month, instead of meeting her while working. It changed to meeting her before he went to work. told him its me or her, he walked that night. It was hard in the being, not knowing why he had the A. He kept blaming me for A, and now his story changed to I made him fall in love with MOW. Even OW is now saying I made them fall in love. They are engaged, both me & my son have moved on. It takes time to heal. you will know when its time to move on with your life. IT took me years to see that I never really knew him at all. I was living with a stranger that I thought I knew.

m-17 1/2 yrs
me-49, x-43
c-13, 29, 8 gd
d-5-02

OW-32
c-3 under 11
m-10yrs
d-7-02

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong>When do you know its time to file for divorce?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't know. You choose.

Shakespear I agree divorce is not to be taken lightly. I'm at a point in my life where something has to give. A couple of years ago I attempted suicede and spent 4 whole days in a cardiac care unit. Did H change? Obiously not. We're now faced with another child and an OW who he'll have contact with for many years to come. I have high blood pressure, I'm diabetic, I have a heart desease and I suffer from depression. At the age of 41 I suffer from some sort of illness at least 75% of the time and Im sickand tired of being sick. I believe that most of my illnesses come from what I've experienced in my marriage.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm beginning to question is my marriage really worth my life? Heck no!!!!!

I know my post give the impression that I'm reacting to most recent soga and maybe I am but I'm honestly tired of living this sick life. Its so hard to find help for the families of sex addicts and its also hard to find sex addicts who are willing to share their expriences. You know I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Thank you all for being here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robbed:
<strong>
I'm at a point in my life where I'm beginning to question is my marriage really worth my life? Heck no!!!!!

I .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can really relate to you there.....I am also diabetic, have IBS, was depressed.... I decided to file for divorce when I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had done everything I could to make the marriage work and it would literally kill me to stay.

Since leaving him 8 months ago, I have lost 20 lbs (I was eating to stuff down my feelings), my blood sugars have leveled out, I have had very few problems with IBS (only when I had to see or deal with him). I know I made the right decision.
I hope you can make the right one for you too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:
<strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't know. You choose.</strong>[/QUOTE]

This is about the best advice anyone can give. If you waited until you believed you knew for sure, you'd never file because there is always going to be that little voice in your head second guessing yourself.

I just retained a lawyer and have begun the painstaking procedure of filling out all the financial data needed to file.

My choice to do this came down to the fact that my wife will never reconcile her homosexual affair to me or our daughters. In other words, she has left me no other "choice". I still love my wife, or the person that used to be my wife, and would still prefer reconciliation. But she appears to be a "cake eater" at this point with no end in site.

It just comes down to a realization on your part that your situation isn't going to get any better. No one can tell you when to choose. That's a decision you must make for yourself. I have been counseling with Steve Harley for over two years. He suggested the divorce option almost a year ago. It took me this long to decide...

Coming from another viewpoint, and being a doctor. Robbed I am very sad for your situation, I truly am. BUT to believe that your heart disease, diabetes, and suicidal tendency is a result of your marriage is wishful thinking. While I empathize with your pain, I tell you without a shadow of a doubt that should you choose divorce, which may truly be the best for you, DON'T expect these things to get any better, with the signing of a piece of paper. In fact, the stress alone could very well cause them to worsen. Perhaps not, but really understand what you are thinking before you act.

Perhaps your HTN could decrease a bit, but if you think that your blood glucose is due to your husbands action, then you are not taking enough responsibility for your health yourself.

I am not trying to come down on you. However, you sound, at least in your last post, to be blaming your physical health on him and your marriage. I just don't believe that they are that intimately connected. I could be wrong, but I deal with this all day long. These sorts of problems are usually the result of poor diet and exercise. Tendency to overeat and smoke. Bad genetics also play a part, but even from the point of view of a BS, which I am in spades, I have no belief that these stem from him.

Just watch what you expect out of a divorce. If it is health and happiness, you should reevaluate your expectations, because I guarantee you will be disappointed. You may indeed end up in a happier place, but be sure that you really look at why you would be better off.

My thoughts and knowledge alone. I mean no harm or anger.

I filed for divorce after my IC asked me to NOT to file 3 previous times. He told me to 'give her one more chance'. He also said that I would probably NEVER know the real truth regarding my wife's A and I needed to try to accept that IF I could. My IC died in November and since then, I think I have assembled MOST of the puzzle. I don't like what I see and now more than ever, my trust in W is GONE!

The 'realization' that she took NO initiative of her own to break contact with OM tells me that she is with me for the wrong reasons. She has said that there is NC but I find that I cannot forgive and fear that she will repeat. W prefers to bury the past with no explanation and does not want to begin MC with another counsellor. I am left with NO TRUTH...and NO TRUST.

Time for me to go....

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: doogie ]</small>

Formally, I completely understand what you're saying here and appreciate your response. Thank you so much. I know that I have to take responsibility for myself and what I've allowed to happen to me. When I wrote that I believe that most of my illnesses come from what I've EXPERIENCED in my marriage I may have used the wrong words. But to some extent I do blame my experiences. I now know that I've suffered from depression long long before my suicide attempt, unfortunately I was not aware. I in turn blame much of my depression on my marital experiences. I can remember being a young active woman who was full of life and actually lived life. At some point I lost that. I believe that if this unhealthy relationship does not change and I remain in the relationship it will only hinder my healing and ability to properly care for myself and my illnesses. This is so easy to write yet I find it so difficult to accept. When I said I do I honestly thought it was until death do us part.

always hopeful,

Hey guy get a good lawyer, depending upon the state you are living in you can sue the company she works for beacuse her boss got involvd with her subordinate. Good luck

Toyman