Let me explain….

Basics – EA. She has NO idea, she has a mental illness and LOTS of problems. Is also very physically sick. He fed off the ego boost he received from him being the only one she trusted. I have soooo many regrets! If there are any committed Christians out there, please help me. I feel embarrassed about this and want to be told I should kick her out…..BUT, what would Jesus do? Is her life/mental state worth more than my marriage???

Both my husband and I are very involved in lay ministry, particularly with ‘youth’ (we are around 30). In 2000 (I can’t believe it’s been 3 years!) our church started a youth group. He was asked to lead a small group for 6 weeks but he never left there. She was in the youth group and on one of the various weekend retreats/camps they had, she claims that God told her to confide in my H. (She knew she had to tell someone and had asked Him who). They met for coffee and she told my H about her history of head injury, post concussion syndrome then disassociative disorder. A few weeks later she came over to talk to him and for him to pray for healing. He was nervous about it and we briefly discussed me being involved since I feel very called to a healing ministry (the very ministry I am trying to walk myself through now). I gave him a book to read which had a chapter on praying with people for healing. He decided he could handle it alone. I was asked to leave the house for a few hours….

BIG MISTAKE – THIS CHANGED THE COURSE OF OUR LIVES!!!

It went against all our training – an older man alone with a younger woman! We would never do it again! My regret – if I had insisted even a little bit this would never have happened.

This continued over a long time. I never left the house again but I was certainly locked out of half of it when she came over. She comes from the most dysfunctional family I know and suffers physical and emotional abuse at home. She started staying nights which increased in frequency until she spent 2-3 nights a week at our house. To try and cut a very long story short, some of the things that would happen….

I had been away for work so took a day off to spend with him – he thought it was more important to spend half the day taking her to a doctor’s appointment.

I went to the beach alone one night while he went with her.

I’d go to bed alone at night while he would sit with her until she fell asleep.

I would be left alone at parties while he counselled her on the front lawn. If he wasn’t my H, I’d think they were a couple sometimes by the way they seemed so comfortable in each others personal space. He would also hang around her at parties and not even know where I was.

He got jealous when she got a boyfriend. He also got jealous when she would confide in me.

He even journalled in his prayer journal that he thought God wanted me to be more involved in caring for her but he ignored it.

He brought her to my sanctuary (my parents’ farm) and took off with her for a few hours. She is never welcome there again.

My low point was having a bag packed in my car for a few weeks just in case I couldn’t bear coming home. I was smart enough to know, though, that doing that would make me feel worse. I would go to bed early so I didn’t have to face him when he came home or I would jump into bed if I heard the car coming. I may never have left home but I divorced him in my heart. I’m not sure we’ve ‘remarried’ yet.

I didn’t know if I was being a jealous wife because he was doing good for her. After terrible teenage years, he was the first and only person she trusted. I confided in a friend and she made me realise something was wrong. When I told him I was not happy with their relationship – it was too close and inappropriate his words, which still ring in my head were, “Well, there’s not really much I can do about that”!!!!!!

I believed him and thought it was my problem to ‘get over’. But I knew something was still wrong and after about a year convinced him (after making him read “How to survive an affair” in His Needs Her Needs) that we needed to cut contact with her. This was early 2002. He began to distance himself as he finally realised that she relied on him in an unhealthy way. This upset her and she wrote a letter which sounded like a jaded girlfriend. We cut contact with her ‘until further notice’ telling her we needed the space. She accepted but was very hurt. She has no idea that anything was wrong with her relationship with my H.

My H for 4 months had no contact with her but I checked up on her a few times. She wasn’t going well. We had proven to her that all people eventually walk away from her so she wasn’t talking or confiding in anyone but her psychologist. He was concerned because she wasn’t relating to anyone.

In July we realised she had slipped back into the mental illness so invited her to stay for a few days. I thought we had not resolved all our issues but so long as we kept up communication, we’d be OK. Well, she effectively never left. Her illness was so bad she was not safe at home. She didn’t want her mum to find out coz she would have been kicked out of home. If we left her she would at worst be dead but more likely in a mental institution.

We never planned for her to move in, it kind of happened and we thought we’d be OK but it’s really hard. How am I meant to heal when she’s still around? H and I have been up and down but I think it’s so unfair. Would any of you allow the OP to live with you??? I feel like the most stupid person in the world! The only reason I’ve allowed it is because I know that she didn’t really do anything wrong – my H did and her only crime was not knowing any better. There’s time when I just want to hit her. There’s even times when I’ve wished she had killed herself (these are my low points – please appreciate my honesty).

When I talk to her now I can feel everything from being very maternal to wishing we’d never met her. This feels like the greatest test of “Love your enemies” I’ve ever had to bear. We are looking into places she can go (going back home would not be an option) but I'm more in a hurry than H. While he has done everything to put the relationship in the right order and we now counsel her together as much as possible and tell each other everything, we are still dealing with the hurt and the effect it's had on us.

We are working through it and he can finally hear me talk about it without beating himself up over it (which made it difficult to share how I was really feeling). We are more on the same page than we've ever been since this started but I feel like I'm putting her before my marriage everyday she's there.

Please, can anyone relate? Please tell me I’m stupid, tell me I’m a hypocrite. Be honest. This is the greatest type of ‘ministry’ anyone could do but why with someone who had an EA with my H? I feel so isolated and lonely.

Thank you for reading through this.

How old is this OP? If she is a minor, your H is in big trouble. This is a perfect set up for a pedofile (sorry, can't spell). Not to be blunt, but it sounds like your H is very controlling of you and using religion as an excuse. The most inportant relationship is between H and W. I am a catholic and as christians we put marriage first, even before the children because without a strong marriage there cannot be a strong family. I think you are being manipulated here. The mentally ill OP can go somewhere else. She is more likely satan, not some poor helpless mentally ill girl who needs to be nurtured. You need to get her out of the house. If she is underage, your H is in big trouble and you should report this to social services....I know it's your H.....this is just so, so wrong. She has got to go.

Have you read Plan A and Plan B? You need some help here. Is there a church elder who can be called? You H is hiding behind religion. Just my 2 cents. I could be off base, but from the outside, that is what it looks like.

She is not a minor, she is 21. There has never been any sexual inappropriateness between them. It was an emotional affair. As for hiding behind religion..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .....I'm going to have to process that one. Thanks for your honest reply.

Seekingpeace,

As I sit here reading this I am about to have a nervous breakdown....it is so close to my situation.

Listen to me..get this girl out of your house NOW. This is EXACTLY what happened to me and my H. He was the youth pastor and she was a very disturbed young lady. Everything you say about her home life is exactly the things that this thing told us. NONE OF IT WAS TRUE!! She even said that her father and uncle had raped her, NOT!

She always needed to confide in my H alone. It took almost 2 years for her to finally manipulate him into falling in love with her. It took her that long to find the needs that I wasn't meeting and be there. I watched the exact same thing happen to us that is happening to you!!

This was 2 1/2 years ago...he started sleeping with her in Nov of 2000. I just found out on Jan 17 that he was seeing her again for a year. That he only stopped calling her for about 6 months and started it again.

RUN, GIRL!! get her out of your house. Do you want to know what Jesus would do? He would protect his heart first (your husband, your marriage, your home) He would not compromise hiimself or allow himself to be put into a situation that would endanger those around him. He has opened your eyes to the danger, don't do what I did and buy into the devils lies about guilt. You can not minister to ANYONE if your husband has be sat down for inappropriate behavior with someone in his youth group.

Take her to the pastor and let him handle her.
This is beyond your area of responsiblity....please listen to what your heart is telling you. I didn't and will regret it for the rest of my life...

Good luck and I will be praying for you..

<small>[ February 04, 2003, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: margue ]</small>

You are in the same shoes as my H. (Sort of) The OM in my life lived w/ us. My H saw him as "needy" and in the beginning we both were wanting to help him get back on his feet financially. We had just built a new home and had been praying about how God would have us use it for His glory. So when we found out about the OM needing a place to stay, we felt like that's what God wanted us to do. But what God meant for good, Satan wanted for evil! An A happened between the OM and me. I'm telling you this because I have been in your H's shoes (sort of). I would stay up late w/him and we talked a lot and did a lot of things together (see "Cricket" story post on the Infidelity Board). But if my H had been nosy and snooped in my business and told me NO I will not have you going.....and doing...with" then it would've been more difficult to have an A.
I wonder if you allowed your H to do things w/the OW because you didn't want to tell your H "no" and rock the boat. That's the way my H is. He's a conflict avoider so he left difficult decisions up to me so that he wouldn't have to deal with them.
I don't want to upset you, but please don't be naive to think there wasn't any physical thing going on. There's a good chance there wasn't, but its more highly likely possible that it wasn't just an EA. Please, take it from someone who has just been where your H has been.
Since problems occurred the last time she was there, compounded problems will occur this time. You need to tell your H that she has to go. You can be reassured that you did help her at one time but now you are just casting your pearl before the swine. She'll trample any help you give her.
Good Luck!

Hi SP,

Sorry to see you go through this. I understand how you feel. The extent of involvement your H has with this person is totally wrong and out of order. I would be Very quick to report it to your Pastor and Pastors W. So what if it causes your H embarrassment, by doing it, you're Saving, your marriage, your home and his soul.

Prov 27
4 Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?
5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

To be your H's friend is to expouse the matter. He needs to be stopped before it becomes a PA.

AS far as the 21 year old girl, your church or Pastor will find her a home, thats his JOB, to oversee the Flock, not yours.

Your circumstance is almost like Abraham and Sarah. God made Abraham a promise of many children but Sarah tried to help to bring about the [Spirtual] promise and blessing with a [Carnal] plan, Sarah made a plan and got Hagar involved. Hagar only made Sarah jealous and caused lots of heartache and there was a War of emotional struggle and upset in the house, Sarah wanted her OUT! Yep after Sarah assisted her Husband Abraham with a plan [Book].

So what's the answer in all this??

You can be this type of person in the matter, you choose:

1. Peace Keeper - This is when there is a problem between people and to keep peace this person will get in the middle of everyone's relationships and try to get them to ignore there problems hoping them away and usually taking all the responsibility for the people on themselves when there is no true peace whatsoever.

2. Truce Maker - A cease fire between people who yet have to work out there differences and odds, yet nobody is steping forward to resolve the conflict, yet there is no true peace.

3. Peace Maker - A peacemaker will make peace in a matter even if it causes conflict. A peacemaker will go and dig up the tree at all cost and expose the roots. A peacemaker will confront and not sidestep the issues and feel no embarrassment, because the embarrassment is with the other party involved not the peacemaker, yet the peacemaker is humble and meek, the peacemaker is making peace and resolving the conflict and is not concerned about the emotions of the other parties or how they're viewed, the final result ' Joy and Peace.

You asked what would Jesus do??

Mat 5

9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. [Or Daughters]

I would do whatever it takes to be blessed, yes, it's going to cause some shaking of things but hang on, its all for the good, and peace will follow. As far as your H, No man can love two masters, he will love one or despise the other, he needs to repent and wake up, he's not as spiritual as he thinks, he's being decieved.

Take Care

It amazes me how people in "ministry" will go to great lengths to minister to others, but will neglect those closest to them. Something is wrong with this picture. Your H needs to get his priorities in their proper order.God,Wife,Family then ministry.

Seeking peace, I know you want to do what Jesus would do, but I don't believe that He would allow your marriage to be sacrificed. There are other places for this girl to go. I know you have a heart for healing ministry, but your marriage is not to be put at stake.
I allowed a 'freind' into my marriage, because she was going through divorce, and my H and I wanted to help her. Little did I know until it was too late, that she was manipulating my husband and myself. Before you know it, she had him believing her over me. Yes they ended up having a PA. The devil certainly came in to destroy and succeeded. Do not give the devil a foot hold it says in the bible, this girls is definately a foothold.
As far as your H is concerned, if he has not admitted this EA to his pastor, then he is hiding something. If he wants this marriage to work, he will confront this issue with the pastor as well as you. The devil is very coniving, and he will not give up now, especially since you have this girl living there, he has such a foot hold!
I hope you can get this situation under control right away. I will pray for you to have wisdom, you and your H. I pray that he will see clearly that he needs to confess this before your pastor, that healing can and will take place.
May the Lord give you clear answers, and bless you greatly.
Love in Christ, SW

I dont want to comment on your situation other than to say BEWARE in dealing with mental illness,the mentally ill tend to be self-preserving and will use up everyone in their way to survive,I attend a church and have seen it many times. Some really dont know their doing it, others move from church to church using up good hearted church people.Its sad that you and your faith have to endure the ultimate test, i would definately involve my minister in this situation and see what he suggests. the connection you husband has made with this girl may come from some situation he endured in his past, i dont know, its up to you to get counseling with him and find out his true intentions with this whole mess.they say GOD speaks to us in different ways, i wish i could interprit his messages to me a bit better some times,Or maybe he's being very clear to us all but we dont like the message, i'm still working on that part. good luck in your search for the truth, What ever the truth shows you, stay strong,you will survive it.

Seeking Peace: I know that you and your husband had all wonderful Godly intentions when you began to try to help this woman. It's just very sad that it has turned out to be what it is.

My pastor at my church teaches his congregation that HE ministers to MEN and his WIFE ministers to the WOMEN. He will under NO circumstances minister to a female. He has told countless stories of females who come to church with problems and they turn to him for help. When the female asks to meet with him, he in turn tells her to call his wife and set up a meeting with her. Most never call his wife and set up any meeting. He has told numerous stories of women from the church coming to his home while his wife is at work, or to his office where's all alone, and asking for help. He said when they come to his home, he doesn't answer the door. When they come to his office, he makes an excuse to leave. He will NOT be alone with any female at any time. He makes a point of telling his congregation of this over and over as our church grows.

I suggest you turn this matter over to your pastor and his wife. You should not be letting this OW be living in your home. As you said, it caused problems in the past, and it WILL continue to cause problems if she stays. Do not feel guilty that you somehow allowed this to happen. Satan will do anything to break up marriages and he has his foot in the door here and is doing his very best to break up your marriage. I feel like you did what you thought you could do to help this woman, but it's out of you and your husband's hands now and it's time to get her out of your house and your life. Your marriage is far more important. Give it to your pastor and his wife. Let them handle it from here.

Please don't be afraid or embarrassed to go to your pastor and his wife. That's what they're there for. They will understand. They love you and your husband and will know you were trying to help the woman and things got out of hand. I will be praying for you and your husband.

((((seekingpeace))))))

My parrallels to your post have eatin at me all day.

I am in the lay ministry at my chuch. I am in my thirties. I have started a youth program in the last year.

The only difference is that, though I have some attractive students in Christ, I've not for one minute stepped outside my role as a mentor.

I, in no way wish to offend you, but any person who does step outside that role definately has issues. And I pray that his access, to young impressionable minds and bodies, has been terminated.

The possible fact that this relationship didn't cross the threshhold into the physical side, to me, only means that if there is another opportunity it will be that much easier to cross that barrier.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Seeking Peace,
I work for a church and could write a book on all the ways this has been handled misappropriately. However, what's done is done and you seem to realize that now. Let's move forward. Where is your own pastor in all this? You say you're involved in lay ministry but surely there is someone to whom you are accountable. Do you fear being transparent to someone there in your church? You shouldn't be. There should be those in leadership around you who could help you with this, and support you (emotionally, spiritually, etc.).

As it stands, you are opening yourself up to a major lawsuit (not to mention the enemy coming in even more to your marriage) if this woman even pretends that there has been a physical affair. That is a VERY real possibility if she is mentally unstable. I have seen this happen many times in my monthly church law magazines/reports.

I think you need to move her out - to her family preferably, to some other family, or to a treatment center of some kind. It might be that no other options seem open right now because you are carrying the weight yourselves. But once you take that burden of responsibility away, another avenue might open up.

There are other ways to show her God's love in a practical way without endangering your marriage. Don't get caught up in spiritual blackmail, which is what this definitely is!

Thank you all for your encouragement. It is really hard to find her somewhere to stay when our pshychiatric hospitals are already overflowing. We had her packed one day to go (it was her decision) but my Grandfather died and we dropped everything to be with my family. She never went, which her psychologist and psychiatrist were happy about. They think her being with us is better than being in hospital. With no beds, the only way to get her in was to commit her under the Act and make her an involuntary patient. The psych had done it the day before for someone else and it took all day to find a place for the person. I agree with keeping someone out of hospital if possible. They are horrible places and patients usually have issues to deal with as a result of being in there.

Trying to find someone else to look after her is difficult when you are going to expose them to the following situation:

Come home to find a glass smashed on your kitchen floor. Drops or pools of blood. Walk into the bathroom to find blood everywhere and her passed out on the floor with cuts all up her arm. When you wake her, she has no recollection of the event or the hours leading up to it. We have had to remove all glassware, blades, knives, sharpeners etc from her reach. If we are there we can stop her hurting herself but if we are not there, all we can do is make our house as safe as possible. Bad huh! And no beds for her! This used to happen almost everyday. With medication it now happens once a week. Sorry, I know it's horrific.

I had a talk to H last night again(I am in a totally different time zone to most of you - G'day from Down Under! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ). Considering how 'well' I'm doing, is it too late? I think not. I think we could survive if she was at least out of the house and all contact with her was together. If this didn't work, then we would cut all contact.

One thing we've never done is fully explain to her why we cut contact last time - we just said that she was relying too much on us (and my H in particular) and we needed some space. She accepted this. I feel we should explain to her the damage it has done to our relationship and guide her in how to relate to married couples.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trygsus:
[I know that you and your husband had all wonderful Godly intentions when you began to try to help this woman. It's just very sad that it has turned out to be what it is.

Do not feel guilty that you somehow allowed this to happen. I feel like you did what you thought you could do to help this woman, but it's out of you and your husband's hands now and it's time to get her out of your house and your life. Your marriage is far more important]

Trygsus - you seem to know my heart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ! We do feel guilty for abandoning her. My H feels guilty for the whole thing and this puts guilt on top of guilt for him. Because I have been more directly hurt by it, I can rise above it and see the need to protect our marriage. I just want to love him with all that's in me again. I'm sick of loving him 'up to a point' then my heart stopping because of hurt.

Please don't be afraid or embarrassed to go to your pastor and his wife. That's what they're there for. They will understand. They love you and your husband and will know you were trying to help the woman and things got out of hand. I will be praying for you and your husband.[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have gone to both of them. My pastor told me to talk to his wife. I actually find her difficult to relate to - very different personality. She's a very 'girlie' girl. I am much more masculine in my thinking. Anyway, I did tell her but her advice was to pray for strength when H cared for this girl and seek healing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That's why I eventually posted. I felt I would get some backup here.

I am actually in my pastor's W's small group. I have never shared about this there. For some reason I've wanted to protect my H and there are a couple of single girls in the group and I just don't know....I have talked a lot around the subject and if any of them had probed just a little bit, I would have spilled my guts. We meet again on Monday. Maybe the time has come to be more open.

Margue - I'm really sorry for what you've been through. I'll pray for you. I'm going to add all of you to my "Prayer list" - things I pray for each day.

God Bless.

G'day seekingpeace,

I am an Aussie too...there are a few of us around.

The Salvos would be my first port of call in this situation. She will be homeless....they can find her accomodation. They did it for my brother. That is what they do. It is what they are there for.

Do you have kids? Cos if you do, they should not be seeing her ourbursts or blood in their living space. Neither should YOU or your H. She doesn't sound like she is healing at all from your H's help, so the best thing for HER as well as your marriage is to move on.

Don't YOU dare cut yourself off in your own home. How DARE anyone expect that from you? No, make sure you hang around every time they are together....and do not go to bed until your H does. No time alone for them from NOW until she leaves. And she MUST leave....if your H disagrees, or your church TOUGH. If H won't arrange stuff with the Salvos, do it yourself. And if THAT doesn't get results, go to some other organisations that assist people. There is absolutely NO NEED for you to have her in your house one second longer!!!

To get some help on where she can go try calling Care Ring 136169, Lifeline 131114 (for info on what to do with her)Sane Mental Illness Helpline 1800 688 382, Suicide Helpline 1300 651 251 and Women's Information 1300 134 130. I also found a lot of numbers in my phone book, in the part at the front under health...Community Health Services and Department of Human Services may also be good.

Hope this helps! In our civilised and wealthy country, there is always a solution....we just have to find it.

Love and light,

Jacky

Hello SP: I'm so glad to hear back from you. You have really been on my heart and I've been praying for you and your husband.

In rereading your post, I feel that you and your husband are on your way back to working on your marriage and now see the problems that were created inadvertently regarding the woman. In my post, that's why I put in there about my pastor and how he will not meet with women....to prevent these sorts of things from happening. We are still human, and we still follow the flesh sometimes, so when at all possible, we are to guard ourselves as much as possible from situations that may cause us to "get caught up" in Satan's trap. Now that you and your husband "see the light", I feel you should not beat yourselves up for what's already happened, but put your energies into what you can do from this point forward. You sound like you are working on this together now on finding a place for the woman, instead of just you, by yourself doing it. That's good. It shows your husband's in a position to repent for his part in the situation. But, he can also move forward from now. Repent, ask God's forgiveness, and move on. God loves us, no matter what we do, and will forgive us....and now you both see the road you traveled and know it's not where you need to be....so, please....both of you....forgive yourselves for any wrongdoing you feel you did in this. Now, it's time to make a decision on getting the woman out of your home as soon as you can in order that you can continue to work on your marriage.

I'm in the states (AL), so I don't know anything about where the woman could go in your country. But, in reading a post from Nina too, she seems to have some very good information for you. I would put that info. to good use and see what you can find out with what she's given you.

I'm sorry you find it difficult to relate to your pastor's wife. I do know how that is, as some of the ladies in my church feel that way regarding my pastor's wife, and find it hard to talk with her. I, myself, don't feel that way, but some do and I understand that. You said you are in your pastor's wife's small group. I would be very careful who you choose to discuss this situation with in your group. You said in your first post that you confided in a friend and she made you realize that something was wrong. Is this friend still in the picture? Can you still confide in her? Is she spiritual at all? If you don't have a "close friend" in the group, or someone you feel you can confide in that won't go gossiping about it or making you feel worse than you already do, or really beating your husband up, I would not suggest confiding in anyone in the group. You said you've talked a lot around the subject and if any of them would have probed just a little bit, you would have spilled your guts. Do you feel like there's any certain person you can confide in? I really don't feel like you should "spill your guts" to the whole group. And I really feel like you need someone that will pray with you about this situation...be your prayer partner...someone that will be strong for you when you're weak, and will help you to keep focused on the solution to the situation. I feel it's important that you have someone that will not beat you and your husband up about what's already been done, but will help you both to move forward to a solution.

I know you're very hurt by the past and what's happened, but I also know that Jesus can heal our broken hearts...if we will only let him. I know you know that too. And I feel in my heart that that's why you seem to be so strong in this situation. You are allowing your heart to be healed, and that's why you still care about the well-being of this woman.

You said in your last post that you feel it's time to fully explain to the woman why you and your husband cut contact with her the last time and why you need to cut contact now. I feel that's a very good approach....just be honest with her. Both you and your husband could sit down with her and try to explain as best you can what's happened and how it's affected your marriage and that you both still love her and care very much about her well-being, but that it's affecting your marriage, and that your marriage is very important to both of you and you have to make some changes in the situation. You said that you feel like the woman doesn't really understand that she's done anything wrong...if you feel that way...it's probably important when you're talking with her....to not make it out like this is all her fault. If she is mentally ill, you don't want her going away feeling like she did all this herself. Just try to be as honest and open as you can and explain it as best you can so she will understand. Pray before you talk with her and ask God to give you the right words for her and ask him to open the eyes of her understanding so she will understand what you're telling her and not get hurt herself. I know God will guide you and your husband in your words to her so that you three can get past this and move on and start to heal. I, too, will be praying for the three of you. When we face these trials in our lives, God always provides us a way out. Please try to remember this. Just open your spirit and try to listen to what God would have you do.

Please let us know how things are progressing, we do care about you, your husband, and the woman.

In Christ,

OK, so it seems like ages ago that I originally posted (a week) but wanted to 'check in'. Things are progressing slowly but I've had a few revelations.

This process is just confirming how important it is to get this OW out of our house. My most important need right now is for my H to prove to me that I am first in his life, not just in word but in action. We talked about getting her out and I wanted to give a deadline but he didn't want that to be the first thing we said to her when we discussed it. He wants her to 'own' the decision to move out and make it a'goal' rather than a 'deadline'. I said, "Fine, but I'm not going to let her stay for the next 6 months or 2 months". He then got all defensive and said the usual "whatever you want". This is more him giving up and putting everything in my hands that him actually wanting what I want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He wants her out soon, too, but is happier to take longer. What do I have to do to make him see how important it is? He made this mess, why can't he clean it up? I feel he takes me for granted. I tell him it 'kills' who I am but his actions say he still cares more about her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He's taking me for granted.

He should know coz I've told him how much this has crushed me emotionally and spiritually and how I feel like we are both just shadows of who we currently could or should be, but his main concern is her and how she comes out of it at the end. We are doing a bible study together at the moment on setting life goals. We looked at God's will for us - basic conclusion: it's a good will/plan. However, my experience tells me otherwise. I have been so hurt by H hiding behind "love thy neighbour - it's God's will we care for her" and ignoring the damage it was doing to his first call(our marriage) because it fed his ego, that I feel doing stuff for God will only bring hurt. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

We have got in contact with ARAFMI (Assoc for Relatives and Friends of the Mentally Ill). They sent us a brochure of places she could go but we wanted to go and talk to one of their social workers. I kept asking him to make the call but he was busy. I called him a number of times during the day and asked if he had called. Each time the answer was no and he ended up asking if I could make the call. I said "no" coz how long does it take to make an apoointment even if you are busy? and I want him to see it as important enough that he will fix it and take some steps instead of leaving it up to me....

I ended up making the appointment on Wed because I wanted it to get done and I wanted the appt asap. We went on Thursday. The social worker is calling places to get info. We have some stuff to now start a discussion and can go see places. Problem is, I don't think she will want to go but she does know she needs to move out, even without knowing our baggage with her (still haven't explained it). Also, delays are going to occur coz she goes to Sydney this week for a conference (Bill Hybels) and I got the following week for work.

Thanks all for your support, especially trygsus. I have gotten back in contact with my friend. We are both busy but you've encouraged me to make time to spend with her.

Just for clarity as well....we do send this girl to stay with a friend for a few nights every fortnight (every other week) so we can have a 'date night'. Sometimes they are good and sometimes kinda neutral. Only one has been bad.

Also, deep down I do love my H (even though sometimes I question this and question whether marriage is worth it) - I'm just very hurt by him and trying to rekindle our 'first love'.

sp

I've given him 2 weeks to get her out. I leave for Sydney tomorrow for a week, she comes back tomorrow. I told him he has 2 weeks but ideal would be for her to be gone by the time I get back. I still don't think he gets why! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He's due home any time now so may talk to him this afternoon and try to explain again.

Sooner or later I'm going to sit her down as well and tell her like it is (lovingly). She needs to know. We can't recover with her around and especially in our house.

I know I'm doing the right thing by our marriage. It just feels like crap to turf out someone who is in such a bad situation. We are the only ones she truly trusts and feels safe with. She looks up to us like parents. Is it possible or right to have NC in this situation???

sp