First time Poster. Just found marriagebuilders.com site.

Me: 26/M
Her:27/F
Kids: 7/M
4/F

Married her once (Because we got Pregnant) for 1 1/2 years divorced for 4 months and remarried her again.

Been Married again since 1997, Decemeber.

Lots of ups and downs past few years now. She's left to stay at her Mom's down the street a few nights on at least 10 occasions. No cheating on my part. None on her part either (I beleive her).

She says that we are "Just not Compatible" and that "We have absolutely nothing in Common" and "We are not on the same plane" and "We don't see eye to eye" and "We aren't Meant to Be" and "We only have physical attraction" and "We have no Chemistry" and "We are only together because of the Kids" and "We are too different"

Currently, she is back at her Mom's house down the street and wants to Separate.

How do I reply to all of these statements?

Is it better to separate then try to make it work again?

Please help =(

Broken:

I am truly sorry about what is happening to you and your marriage. It sounds like there is a significant communication breakdown, and although your W just mentioned these things to you, it's likely she's felt this way for a long time.

Please familiarize yourself with the material on this site. Most of the issues your W raises are addressed here -- so you're in the right place.

More importantly, this is a time to slow things down. Calm down. Relax. It took a lot of time for this to happen. It will take just as long if not longer for it work its way through.

It is our human nature to look for answers immediately, and then want to implement them as if we just had to wave a magic wand. It won't work like that. Any improvements to your situation are going to take a LOT OF TIME.

Use the time wisely. Educate yourself. Look inwards. See what role you played in your marriage, both good and bad (trust me, you've been both). Focus what you'd like to improve in yourself first. That's the only way we grow.

If you believe, pray. Prayer works. It keeps you focused, helps you let go of your W's problems that you have no control over, and is its own positive affirmation.

God may not always give us what we want, but he always gives us what we need.

Good luck and God Bless!

Brokensoul,

Sorry to hear you're going through this. The conventional wisdom here at MB is that separation is a bad idea...once you do so, you are much less likely to get back together. When you are separated, you have a lot less time to work on your problems, and more time to look elsewhere to meet your emotional needs.

As for an answer to the "differences" issue, try this:

Most people think that their "soul-mate" is the person of the opposite sex that is most like them. The "perfect" mate is someone with whom you have almost everything in common. You finish each other's sentences, you see eye to eye on every issue, and seem to "complete" each other.

While that is all well and good, there is another school of thought. One where your "soul-mate" is the person of the opposite sex that is most unlike you. You fight like cats and dogs, break up and make up endlessly, disagree about everything from how to hang the toilet paper to what movie to watch to what political party you belong to!

While the former might seem like the "right" definition of the "perfect" person to stay married to, the latter is a better choice in the long run.

Why?

Because you learn more from the person that you seem to be utterly incompatible with, and the relationship enriches both of your lives much more than if you were involved with someone who is just like you.

Spring that one on her, and see what she says. In the meantime, read as much as you can on MB. There is plenty of good material here, and lots of people who post here...maybe even someone who has been in the exact same situation.

Good luck!

Thanks for the Replies,

We had another long talk last night. She feels that we never had "that special thing" that couples should have. She feels that we never had "relationship" like couples should. She tells me that she doesn't love me in "that way". She says it's more of a brotherly love and admiration as the father of our children.

I don't know if we ever did have "that special thing". We dated in High School for about 5 months and it mostly just a sexual relationship which was ended by me. We seen each other at a club one night about a year after graduation. We got invovled sexual that night and we moved in together (were we enaged in intercourse several times a day) which ended up with us getting Pregnant. We mutualy decided that abortion was out of the question and decided to get married because "it was the right thing" to do. Later, I, once again, ended the relationship and left when our son was about 8 months old.

While split-up at first we where mean toward each other but as time went on our attitudes changed. She was the one that re-initiated the physical touching and affection, that lead to us resuming intercourse again which lead to us "Shacking Up" for a while until we got remarried. Both times we got married it was at the JP's Office and never a traditional Wedding.

We never did the traditional "dating" that most people to do for months or years before they get married. We didn't have that. The traditional dating, engagement, and the Final Wedding never occured to for us.

I don't know what to do. She is right about us never having dated or been a couple.

I've been consuming the Basic Concepts section on this site. I hope it's not to late.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Brokensoul:
<strong> She is right about us never having dated or been a couple.

I hope it's not to late.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Broken,

You sound like you'd really like to make a life with your W, even if you DON'T have anything in common. It's not true, you know....that you don't have anything in common. Well, you have children! That's a pretty powerful reason to stay together. Studies show that children fare much better if they can grow up in an intact family with their bio moms and dads.

Now, that's what I think about that....now let me make some suggestions to achieve a togetherness for you and your W.

First of all, you certainly must know now that you have come to the right place! I would also suggest buying some of Harley's books, such as Fall in Love, Stay in Love. I believe there was a certain level of love there once upon a time.

I also believe in "waiting" for sex until a friendship has been established between two people (I really believe in NO sex until marriage, but I'm afraid to say that, as it's quite radical for most!). The reason I believe in friendship first in for precisely the reasons you and your W are having problems. Sex brings a major dynamic to a relationship....it gets people involved with each other in a much more intimate way than the relationship may be ready to support (if that makes any sense).

Having said that, I will admit it's a little late to go back and "undo" what has been done. OK. So what to do? Divorce? Go find someone else and "do it right?" I'm afraid your W is planning something like that. Interestingly enough, I know another young couple, very close to your age who is going through the exact same thing, only they don't have any children. Soooo, if it's too late to go back and "undo" the mistakes, what to do? Maybe you really ARE "incompatible"

No, Broken, I don't believe that! I believe ANY two people can LEARN to be compatible.....

Let that sink in. It's a biggie. I really DO believe there is NO SUCH THING as "incompatible." I believe people decide to be compatible or incompatible. Yes, what your W is claiming is probably true that you didn't get to know each other first, to become friends, etc. BUT - that cat's out of the bag, so can't cry over spilled milk now. Your children NEED two parents!

Broken, I think I've made my point about the compatibility argument. Now to the good news.

You can learn to meet each other's needs. You can learn to become more compatible. You can learn to show love, and have that "spark" that will keep love alive! Isn't that good news!?!?

Again, I think you've come to the right place. WE LOVE to help put M's back together here!! We are all here to help. Start reading, start learning, start meeting your W's most important EN's. Plan A her. See if she's willing to go to counseling. There's tons of stuff you can do right now.

It's all good. And it all can help. Get busy!

God Bless,

Broken,

I can't really help you out, but I am interested to hear the replies because I can relate to your wife. I am in a similar boat. We got married because of a pregnancy (which I later found out was caused because she stopped taking her birth control pills on purpose). Over the years I have come to realize that I just "did the right thing" and never really loved my W. We also have children together and that causes me a great deal of guilt about ending it, but I don't think a marriage should be centered completely around your kids which is what ours has been for many years.

I'm anxious to hear the replies you get!

Another talk tonight.

This is our 3RD night apart. At this point things seem to be going from bad to worse. She told me tonight that she is ready to "move on" now. We both keep saying the same things over and over again. I've done everything short of getting down on my knees and begging her to give me one more chance (I almost did it but she said it would just make things worse and it wouldn't change her mind). She tells me that she doesn't want to give me one more chance. When she looks into my eyes I see so much pain in her eyes, so much hurt. I can feel the dagger and pressure in my heart when we talk. It hurts to breath. The stress is intense. I managed to end our conversation on a some-what positive note. I suggested that she give me one more chance: One month to turn things around, and if at the end of that Month if she still felt the same way then we would go our seperate ways. She was quiet for a long time and didn't answer. I took no answer to be a positive response. At least she didn't cast the thought down immediately. Sometimes she says that she "doesn't know what she wants right now" other times she seems sure set on ending our marriage as soon as possible.

I wish I would have taken the initiative a long time ago to find a help site like this one. She's read all the help books, she's tried all the things in them on me. She even tried to get me to read "His Needs, Her Needs" but I'm not much of a reader (of books) and was very insensitive to her hints and signals to get me to become a better husband. Now the tables are turned... I'm reading everything I can and trying as hard as possible to swing her back my way, but I don't know if i'm helping or hurting the situation.

I printed out the Emotional Needs Questionaire and the Love Busters form. I filled out mine and gave them to her along with copies for her to fill-out and give back to me. It kind of pissed her off at first. She had no intention of filling them out any time soon. She's a cigarette smoker though (One of the bad habits about her that I don't like but can bare), and she likes to read while smoking so hopefully she will get bored and fill it out. I wrote a note to her on the first page that continued to the back of the page trying to express my intentions and desire to please her and hoping she'd give me one last chance.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I have so many emotions boiling around inside right now. I can see why Divorces can be so nasty with all the bickering and fighting over ownership and custody of every thing from the toothbrushes to stereos to the children. She's expecting me to move out eventually, but I feel like if she doesn't give me one last chance then I'm going to loose it and make this as difficult as possible by not leaving, refusing to get a divorce, refusing to appear in court, and fighting for every item we have, almost to the point of challenging her for custody of the kids. (I would never communicate these feelings to her because it's just me venting a Selfish Demand. Selfishly Demanding her to give me one last chance. lol, I know that's not going to work.) I can see why people lash out in divorces and hurt each other so much. I think it must be in our nature. Some part of our being that fights rejection and loss with Rage and Retribution. I really Hope it doesn't come to that. I hope I don't loose all grace.

I just feel like with out one last chance to prove to myself and show her that I tried as hard as humanly possible to succeed at pleasing her and nurishing love between us, then I'm going to have deep regrets for the Rest of my life about having failed in this Marriage. Because of our children she will always be part of my life. I'll have to deal with all the pain of separation of being away from her and the children. Plus all of the jealous and anger toward any other guy that shows up in her life. Also I don't want to ever have any more children. She's had her tubes tide so she will not ever be able to have children. I don't want get involved with any other woman and have to tell them I don't want children. Nor do I want to screw up and knock-up some chick and start this whole cycle over again with someone else. At least I know now about this site, so if we do have end this, I won't make the same stupid mistakes with someone else.

<small>[ February 06, 2003, 11:07 PM: Message edited by: Brokensoul ]</small>

Brokensoul: Don't give up...go read our thread under General Questions II, called...My story...opposing feedback wanted. This is our story. Maybe post over there some too.