Ok well I am divorced as most of you know - and my exhusband has just conveniently left most of his tools and stuff at the house because - he has no where to put them - and I have let this go on for 10 months - so now I have decided enough is enough - get the stuff out - I need to move on - He also has been still using a checking account with my name on it - and I asked him to open a new one and close that - Well as most of you can imagine - I am a D-bag as he likes to put it - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I am the one that is out of line asking him to get his stuff out of my house - and it is my house - the deed is in my name and I am refinancing next week in my name only because I don't want to have his name on the mortgage for the next eight years - I don't have to pay him his equity until my youngest graduates from high school - so I did a good thing and refinanced so he wouldn't be tied to the house - OK but he doesn't see any of this - he thinks that I am trying to screw him over because he screwed me over... And the kids - that whole situation is a mess - he never really spent alot of time with the girls - 10 and almost 13 - before the divorce - now he thinks that he can pick them up one night a week and go out to dinner with them - and every other Friday over night - and he is being a wonderful father - I am suppose to keep him in the loop about everything - and you know what - Is that really my job???? I am overwhelmed - I am in charge of everything - all of the decisions are mine to make and him to comment on - He never calls them in between the times he sees them - he thinks they should be able to call him also - I am dealing with three children here???? Am I wrong ??? Shouldn't he want to have more of an active part in their lives??? Should it be up to me to make it happen??? I just don't know what I am suppose to do anymore??? Does everyone deal with this??? Help....

maw64-

You are not wrong in wanting your XH to get his stuff out. You're ready to move on, and as long as there are possesions of his in your home, there is an attachment there.

The kid issue is the same-
If you can, let go of ANY expectations that you had for him and them. Just accept what is and do NOTHING more than what you are responsible for. You can NOT force a relationship with them on him. He is an idiot if he chooses to turn away from them. Trying to force the issue will only exhaust you, depress you, and make you nuts......

Appreciate what YOU have, and let go of the rest....

Get the books on helping your children deal with divorce. Yes they should be able to call him, but it's not up to you to push them.

Your post sounds more like you need time to yourself, rather than an issue in dealing with H.

Regarding the tools. Send a certified letter stating that unless he claims these tools by X date, they will become your property. Don't you want to keep the tools anyway? Or just ask your lawyer what you should do.

Kily - OK thank you - and you are right about driving myself nuts - and depressing me - I believe that is alot of my problem - I am always trying to get them to communicate which I guess you are right I need to let them form a relationship on their own..

Newly - Of course I would like time to myself - but you know what that really isn't the issue - the issue is that him and his "mother" believe that I am brainwashing my kids into not wanting to be with him - and I am doing everything in my power to "push" the relationship - I am not keeping his tools - that is pretty much what he wanted from the house - he just wants me to store them for like forever - and he will come and get a piece at a time - Then can call him anytime but they just don't ever ask to or even entertain the thought and to me that is sad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> - I believe this situation hurts me more than any of them...

(((Maw64)))

I don't think I've ever posted to you and I sure don't intend to upset you. BUT, as I read through your post I had a real hard time with your choice of words. It read as if you were speaking of the children just like the tools, as posessions.

I don't know of his involvement with the kids but it's my belief and practice that the responsible parent should do everything possible to foster a good relationship with the other parent.

Personnally, I go "above and beyond" and do so with the hopes that my children's relationship with their mother will improve. Granted in my situation the quanitity of time is not the issue but the quality deffinately is. I guess the whole reward is one that is not seen for many many years when the children are grown and on their own. Heck, I may be full of bull****.

As far as the tools, I agree, certified letter with a 30-day notice of sale.

MAW64,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the issue is that him and his "mother" believe that I am brainwashing my kids into not wanting to be with him - and I am doing everything in my power to "push" the relationship - I am not keeping his tools - that is pretty much what he wanted from the house - he just wants me to store them for like forever - and he will come and get a piece at a time - Then can call him anytime but they just don't ever ask to or even entertain the thought and to me that is sad - I believe this situation hurts me more than any of them...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I only have a few minutes but wanted to share this .... you have NO control over what they think so let it go. Just let it go, it doesn't matter. Now that that is gone, think and pray about what is best for your kids. You can't make him do anything, but as LostHusband said you want to foster the best relationship possible for your kids sake.

God Bless,

D.

Bill - I don't think of my children as tools - or posessions - I think of them as people - I am doing everything in my power to try and get him to spend more time with them - to try and get him to establish a better relationship with them - see he never really had one with them in the first place - and now he just thinks that they should want to be with him - I get all of the flak from the kids about going with him - and he just thinks that he is wonderful... Well you know what - I don't think he is being a wonderful father - I told him I thought he should take them over night for every other weekend so they could get to know each other better and spend more time together - but you know what that - was not something he was interested in doing...So I am sorry if you misunderstood my stand on this - I have been bending over backwards to try and get the three of them to get together - And I hope that they will have a wonderful relationship with their father... That is really all I want - but the point I was making was is it up to me to make it happen???

Maw,

Have to run in a sec....have an appt with tax advisor....

Your situation is exactly like mine....they do want "everything" the same---without everything being the same.
As far as I am concerned...I am through making life good for my ex. If he doesn't pick up what is his, and I don't want it--it's gone. If he wants a relationship with his kids--then he needs to rebuild it....I am sick of his whining about me not letting him have access to the kids. He left us--it is his problem now. I am NOT going to encourage my kids to be with him any longer. I won't say anything bad--but I won't encourage it either. This is the life THEY wanted--so they should live it. As far as I am concerned--we do way to much for the wayward spouse. They made life choices---it is now there responsibility to figure out schedules and activities--I will not do it any longer. I have given my ex the school's email address--he can look up activities. I give him the coaches names--he can call for a schedule-or ask the kids. I am NOT doing that anymore. I am living my life for me and the kids now. He can whine all he wants.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> This is fun to finally realise that I can finally move this family forward and not worry about him any longer. YEA!!!!!!!!

Hi maw,

Your situation is VERY similar to mine. I also have a lot of stuff belonging to X stored in my garden shed, and a few things inside the house too. We are cramped here, and I want to make that shed into a playhouse for the kids. I also want closure. I have had his stuff here for over a year now. Given he is overseas, I allowed it to stay, but asked him Jan 2002 to organise its removal during the year, and nothing happened.

This holiday, I again asked him, and when he got abusive, I TOLD him to get it out or I would put it in storage and send him the bill. He didn't want that....he said he would send me money to pay it on his behalf. Like NOT!!!! He STILL expects me to do things like that for him? UGH!

Anyway, I got three quotes from storage places and sent them to him, complete with email addresses and telephone numbers. I requested he do something about it within a month, or I would send the stuff to his parents COD. No reaction, no reply. So at the two week mark I again told him to do something. I got a whole bunch of excuses WHY he could not do it. He says he is very busy at work....okay being 'nice' I gave him another two weeks. But that is ALL I am giving. I am done with his manipulations.

Now as for the kids...he wants me to 'make them' write an email to him once a week. The children do not want to write. They have made this clear. What am I supposed to do, chain them to the PC?

I also believe that as the adult, the fostering of the relationship is HIS responsibility. The things the kids were subjected to over Christmas hurt them immensely, and they are very angry towards him. To deny them the RIGHT to feel this pain will make for problems in their emotional development. I, as the only stable adult in their lives, have a responsibility to support them and LISTEN to them, something their Dad is not yet again capable of. I will not be trying to get him more involved in their lives and set myself and the kids up for more disappointment. And I did hope that they would all be able to enjoy a good relationship despite this stuff, but when your Dad is only thinking of himself (and a child KNOWS this), they want nothing to do with him.

By the way Bill, I believe my X sees the kids as his possessions. Like toys....he contacts them now when he feels like playing....now how are WE supposed to deal with that? If someone was treating ME like that, I would want nothing to do with them either. Father or not....the kids need to learn that if someone is NOT treating them as they should, it is okay NOT to want to communicate. Forcing an unhealthy relationship with their Dad is not a good idea IMHO.

And if you are picking up anger in my post, you are right. I am angry because my 9 yr old son is so depressed, he has said he wants to die. Mother Bear, that I am.

Love and light,

Jacky

MiserynMissouri - Good for you - you sound like you are doing really well - that is a great attitude - My ex is pulling the woe is me - you have the house and everything I have no where to put it - stuff - Now today he was suppose to come and get everything and he called very nicely and said you know what we have a foot of snow and I am not going to get the stuff today - Maybe during the week I can start getting it - or very soon - I am going to let him slide today because of snow - but if he doesn't make an effort to get it this week or next weekend then I am going to pack it all up and take it to his work.... He was very civil and was trying to explain his actions to me and how I was to blame for alot of what happened - now before that would have freaked me out - now I am being calm... I just want all of the drama to go away
As for the kids - hopefully they will all figure it out together - the three of them...
Ninatoo - Well you sound like you have a plan about your stuff - and I know that it really breaks your heart to have your kids hurt - my kids - you know I know they love their dad - he just really doesn't know how to relate to them - he is making an effort but I think that they feel - that it is only because he has to it is the thing to do... I am hoping like I said to Misery that I hope the three of them can come to some agreement about their relationship - but I am gonna somewhat back off... He has to realize that he is adult and he is the one that is going to have to make the extra effort because they are just kids - I wish you well with your son - and I hope that he doesn't have any scars from all of this - that is the one hope for my children - that they come out of the divorce ok - I don't want any lasting problems with them.... They are loved by both parents - just hopefully the other parent figures that out before to much damage has been done.... Good luck to you... Mimi

I'd just thought I would jump in here for a sec, and share what happened to my sons .... when I was going thru the same things you are going thru.

I was married to an alcoholic, and my sons were small . .. and I left my husband. He did most of the same things .. neglected them, and then thought he could take them out when HE wanted to, and treat them with all kinds of goodies.

Dad was the 'good guy' and I was the disciplinarian. I set the rules, and Dad was fun.

He hurt them badly a few times, when he took them out to eat with his girlfriend, and they started fighting ... he got drunk ... and they called me crying on the pay phone!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He almost killed them, when he got drunk and fell to sleep .. after they were sleeping, in this one room he rented . and the towel he left hanging on the space heater caught on fire! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

On and on ... and promises broken, so many hurts.

Fast forward to today...

They are 21 and 28, wonderful sons .. all though one has panic disorder, and depression off and on, they are functioning fairly well. NOW, today, they are starting to talk on the phone, and get re-aquainted with each other. They relate as adults now, and my sons have forgiven all, and are trying to re-establish a relationship with him. He still isn't there as he should be, and as they want him to be, but they are the 'strong' ones, and love him despite all he's done. They now know he's an alcoholic, and accept that.

I see a more mature relationship between them now, and it makes my heart glad.

They will grow ... and see .. and realize, and then make their own choices on what's what.

But ... it's still TERRIBLY hard ... when you're going thru it ... I KNOW!

BIG HUGS!
Dee