Hello everybody,

I am in a very tough situation .... and would like to ask for some guidance.

My husband and I are about to separate .... but I have reservations. He is saying we need this for sure ..... and expects me to leave.

I do have to be the one who leaves, as I can't afford the expenses of the house that we rent. We are behind in rent 3 months ....

What I wanted to ask is this: If you are in a marriage with a man who says he believes in God .... and was raised a in the same church as you, but doesn't truly practice the faith, and has not had not truly been converted in his heart .... does the verses that pertain to marrying an 'unbeliever' still apply?

I've prayed and tried everything I can .... and I do admit to being sinful in my marriage also ... such as snapping .. and yelling ... swearing and putting him down.... so I'm truly NOT without fault ..... but .... I have done so because of tremendous pressure from hurt, pain and I believe subtle emotional abuse.

I am not well ... I have Lupus .... and many other health problems ... and my husband has never truly been there for me. He is not tender and loving .. and kind.

As it has gotten worse, to the point of near 'physical' violence between us, we both realized that maybe we needed a year apart ...... to sort things out, to have a time of 'quietness' without the fighting and pain.

I agree ... but then again ..... I'm concerned that God may not want this .... all though we are FAR from where we stand in our spiritual life.

He does not wish to apply God's principles to our marriage problems ..... or for that matter, even our life ..... so all I can do is pray... but my mental and physical state are now suffering .. and I feel I can't go on.

I am to leave within a few days .... so I need to hear from sombody soon.

My local church has been very cold to me ..... and not helpful.

NOTE: Please see my 2 other posts below that give more information on my situation.

Thank you,
Diane

<small>[ February 06, 2003, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: dd50 ]</small>

Diane --

You are welcome here with us at MB; your post sounds so sad and forlorn. I'm sorry about these stresses and your impending separation but I'm glad that you have found this board and hope that you will let us walk this path with you.

While I can't address the religious questions you've raised, I can speak to your reservations about this being the best route for you at this point. I am sorry that your local church isn't in your corner for you; seems to me as that would be one of the first places to find solace and comfort and maybe some counseling and direction. What's going on there?

I hear you when you say you are tired of the pain and turmoil in your daily life; no one wants or needs that atmosphere, especially when your health isn't good. I'm not an advocate for separation unless there is abuse involved, but I recognize very well the pain of proximity and the absolute necessity to get relief. Why a year's separation? I'm not sure you want to set such a lengthy time-frame at the outset. I'm just not convinced that it will solve the real and fundamental problems for either of you.

Do you really want to separate ("I have reservations")? Why does your H expect YOU to be the one to leave ("he is saying we need this for sure")? I'm all for "quietness" in a marriage, but I'm not convinced that this step is the best way to achieve it. How long have you been married? How old are you and H? Are there children? Have there been problems for a long time or is this separation talk a recent thing? Sorry for all the questions but the more we know, the more we can help.

Please post again soon and let us know how you're doing. We're here for you...

Ammon

Ammon,

Hello ..... and thank you for response.

Let me clarify a few things for you and the others ... and provide a bit more information.

I'm 50 years old, and H is 54. We have been married for 6 years, and this is a second marriage for us both.

When you mentioned you don't advocate separation, except for abuse .... I'm torn on this, since it does seem that there is subtle emotional abuse going on here, and twice now, the arguments have gotten so heated that I've gotten hurt. Once, when I threw something .... not at him .. he threw the toaster ... not at me ... and it shattered .. and bounced back on my leg and cut it. The second time, we got to fighting so bad, that he ended up grabbing me by the arms, and pushing me onto the bed, leaving marks on my arms for weeks.

Soooo ... is there abuse ... or not? I think so, and I see where it can get worse ... if something doesn't change.

Also ... he comes from a very dysfunctional family, (don't we all), that are very cold and critical .... and he can be very cold and critical himself, and distant. He cuts to the bone, by his 'passive-agressive' nature, and has hurt me so deep .... it's almost irreversible!

He is always saying that I want him to be what he isn't, and that I expect too much from him, that I want to change him into somebody else. What I feel is that I want him to know what I need to feel loved, and at least be willing to learn how to provide it. He is very closed to change.

We HAVE had counseling several times, with several different counselors ... and it's never worked .. mostly because it took us 4 times to find somebody we were both comfortable with, and then .. he didn't want to take the advice given, and do the work.

He thinks he should be able to stay just as he is, and I have to accept that .... even if I'm unhappy and feel unloved and unsupported.

There is SO much more ..... but didn't want to give you too much to absorb. LOL!!

Oh yes, to answer your other questions, no children involved at home, he has 2 and so do I, but they are all on their own.

We have talked of this separation for years, because the problems started after about 3 months of marriage!

We did NOT get to know each other long enough, we dated 5 months before marriage, and even then I saw red flags and ignored them... so I do blame myself partially for not stopping and thinking before jumping.

The spiritual side of this is very important to me, since God's direction is very precious in my heart... and it's not to him.

UGH .... I went on again! LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

There ya go ..... I hope that helps see things a little clearer.

Hugs,
Diane

To all,

OH DEAR! I did forget a few things in my last post .... so here I go again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm not sure why a year ... that was H's idea.
I decided that I wanted to leave the state, to perhaps a few states over, so I can be near the ocean ... and have a change of scenery ... and so I won't run into him, cause for me .. I can't do this unless I'm far enough away to not see him, or hear about him ... it would be too hard.

Also, my sons, who are on the other side of the USA, are moving closer ... and I'll be closer to them.

What we talked about last night ... was getting together in either November or December of this year, to see how we feel, and what we should do, so we'll know if we should file our taxes together or not.

I don't know ..... but to me, I see this as his way of letting me down easy. I do know he thinks we should divorce .. cause he says we're too different ... and that this will never work. I only agree that if he never wants to work on it, or himself ... it may never work. I don't know, I'm just totally confused!

By the way, reading about a 'controlled separation', I don't see how what we're doing is going to help anything .... since all he'll be doing is living his life ... and having the freedom he so badly wants ... how is anything going to be different next December?

Hugs,
Diane

Diane-

I'm so sorry to read that you're facing a possible D in the near future. You seem so confused and hurt in describing the situation in your posts! The first thing I'd do is find a church that can offer you some support!! I can't imagine going through that sort of thing without some spirtual guidance and there's bound to be some groups around that would be more helpful.

As far as the potential abuse, it sounds like you've done the right thing by separating. If your H isn't willing to get help with managing his anger, there's really not much hope I'm afraid. You definitely don't want to put yourself in any physical danger and it sounds like he's close to crossing that line (if he hasn't already). These forums are a great source of support so keep in touch and good luck!

DD50,

First of all {{{{hugs}}}}} and welcome to MB, you have come to the right place.

You didn't mention if your 'H' was having an affair or not, so my statements are IMHO.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">does the verses that pertain to marrying an 'unbeliever' still apply?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe you're referring to " if the unbeliever wants to leave let him leave, if he wants to dwell with you let him stay. Correct? The key sentence is 'let him leave'.

Please don't wait until you're evicted to move. Is he just not paying the rent to force you out? If so, both your names are on the lease, if you're evicted you will have a very difficult time finding another place.

As a Christian, you know that our battle is not with 'flesh and blood' therefore, you can't fall into the devil's hands by going 'toe to toe' with insults and tantrums.

My 'H' was unloving, unsupportive as well. It's their way of keeping you under control. If they compliment you, you may eventually feel as though you deserve more and can find someone better.

My 'H' left seven months ago, and we have not talked, I can truly say that through strengthing my walk with the Lord this has been the most peaceful 'trial' I have ever been through. I'm allowing His Will to be done instead of my own. Sometimes God separates us for a reason, I realized that I had replaced God with my 'H' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

If you feel your safety is an issue and you have someplace else to go fine, if not; spend more time in the presence of the Lord, change churches if they are not supportive. Stress is a major cause in accelerating illnesses.

If you have repented for your part in the demise of your marriage, then you can go to God with a clean heart and I guarantee He will answer you.

Keep reminding yourself, "that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose" How could you possibly loose?

God Bless,
relady