My wife and I have been maried for 4½ years. We got married our first year of college, and have both graduted in May of 2002.

About 1½ years ago, we ran across a pretty hard time. I wasn't being giving enough in the relationship, and she started to feel lonely and depressed. She ended up in a few online chat rooms and made a online 'friend'.

I didn't know what was going on, except that she would take the laptop into the living room, and close the lid every time I came through. After a few weeks of this, I became slightly suspicious and asked her what the big secret was. She told me it was nothing and to not worry about it. But a few days later, she told me she wanted to take a weekend away alone, to Cincinatti (about 4 hours away) just to get away from things and try and refocus herself.

This made me really suspicious, so I looked around to try and find what was up with her mystery online addiction and out-of-the-blue need for a vacation alone. (Classes were still in session, so it really seemed out of her nature).

2 Days before she planned to go on her trip, she went shopping with one of her female friends from work, and came back with a new sexy black dress, quite happy with her purchase.

The day before she was planning to leave, I was going crazy wondering why she wanted to go on this trip. I admit, I snooped.

The results of my snooping. I found a collection of e-mails between her and this mystery friend. He lived in Washington and was going to be visiting Cincinati for a business trip. The very following day..... I also found her response that she was going to meet him at his hotel room in Cincinatti that following day, and spend the weekend there with him.. There were letters about how she planned to leave me at the end of the semester, how unhappy she was with me, and how she was going to move to Washington to be with him.. Also she bragged to him about a sexy new outfit she had just bought for their meeting in his favorite color, black.

I was compleatly devistated. She came home from classes that night and found me crying like a baby. When she asked what was wrong, I confronted her with what I found. We both spent the night crying, and talked about all of our problems. She didn't go on her trip and as far as I know, has never spoken with that guy again.

5 Months later, our relationship was better than it had ever been. Things were so wonderful.

Now, things have taken another dip.

Ever since we've been married, she has wanted children. I want them too, but I know that we needed to get out of college and acquire stable income with insurance before we should start a family. Every few months, she would have an emotional low and cry about wanting a baby, and I would console her, soothing her and reminding her that graduation wasn't that far off.

We graduated in May.
I got a very good job in July.
She got a good job also in August.
In August, she began crying again. My insurance didn't kick in until December, so I told her we should wait just a few more months until the insurance began and we could be certain my job was going to work out. A few days of consoling her did nothing. She still cried every day, all day, endlessly.

This is where I really and truly messed up. I couldn't take the crying any longer. It felt like she was trying to guilt me into having a child when we needed just a little more time to finish laying the groundwork for our future. So I avoided her when she cried. This went on for another week or so, and then she seemed to get over it. Things seemed to be fine for a few weeks.

In mid Sept my cousin started coming to our church, and would let us hold their 4 week old son through services. Nothing makes you want a baby more than holding a newborn, and it sparked me to really want one too. Insurance would be available in 2 months, and it would probably take that long to get pregnant anyway, so for our anniversary (Oct 3) I bought my wife a Baby Book and told her I wanted to start trying.

She acted happy at first, but then she started to become more distant. We stopped having sex. Eventually, she didn't even want to kiss me any more. This continued from September until January.

By January, I had become redicously angry over the situation. She was still mad about me letting her cry for those 2 weeks in August. I had said I was sorry so many times over the past 5 months, it seemed like it was the only thing I could remember doing. We argued and fought over everything. I asked her to try marriage counseling with me, since we were both miserable, but every time I mentioned it she would respond with "I Don't Know" or simply refuse to talk about it.

In January, I made my second critical mistake. I presented her with a Ultimatum.

I said that either things needed to start getting better, or we should look into Marriage Counseling. If neither of those things happened, I'd have to move out.

I never wanted to move out. I just hoped this would spur her into action and we could finally get counseling.

During the beginning of February, I had to go away for 5 days to a conference for work... That was this past weekend/week.

This past Tuesday, while in one of my conferences, she called me on my cell phone to tell me she'd be going out shopping that evening with one of her female friends from work. They planned to meet at the mall at 7, so she'd probably be late getting home. I just asked her to give me a call whenever she got in so I'd know she made it home okay and didn't worry.

By 11 p.m. I hadn't heard from her. I called our apartment and got the answering machine. I called again at 11:30, 12:00, and every half hour until 3:00 a.m. I still never got an answer. I dialed into our answering machine to see if there were any additional messages other than the 3 I had left, and there wernt. Also, the 3 I left had been unheard, which means she hadn't pushed the 'play' button on our machine at home.

Finally, at 7 a.m. she picked up. She was getting ready for work. I asked her where she was last night and she said that she got home at 10 p.m. and simply ignored the phone every time I called through the night. She had to get off the phone and go to work so the conversation was short.

This was the day I was returning home, and during the 6 hour drive home, I got to thinking about her story. To ignore the phone all night like that seems pretty cold. But the fact that the messages were still 'unheard' on the machine when I dialed in reminded me of something. Our answering machine beeps whenever it has a new message, every 15 seconds or so, until you press the play button and hear the message. It's a very loud, annoying beep.

If her story was true, and she was home ignoring the phone, then the beeping had to be maddening, especially when all she had to do was unplug it or press 'play' to make it stop beeping.

That night, when I got home, I asked again where she was last night. She repeated her answer of returning at 10 p.m. and ignoring the phone. She said she realized that I was coming home in 24 hours and it made her feel upset that I was coming back. She enjoyed her time with me gone. I presented my question of how she ignored the constant beeping and ringing from the phone, told her I didn't believe she was really home last nite. She got very very angry, told me to believe whatever I wanted, and started packing up her clothes.

We argued while she packed, and she let me know that she no longer wanted to have a baby with me. She couldn't see us still being together in 5 years, and thought marriage shouldn't be this hard of work. She said when I let her cry those 2 weeks in september, that I broke her spirit and she's had no emotion left in her since then. She then said she's not sure if she wants to stay married any longer.

I begged her to stay and talk to me about it. But she said she needed time alone to think about things and went to her parents house. She told me to give her space, not to call, and she'd call me in a few days.

That was last night. Looking back, I see where I really screwed up along the way. Delivering ultimatiums, avoiding her while she cried. I feel soo horriable about the things I've done. But is it too late?

Basically I'm left sitting in our apartment, unable to call her or talk to her until she presents me with her decision. She's taking this time to decide if she wants a divorce, or if she wants to try again to work things out.

I really really don't know what to do. I've been a total wreck ever since last night. I've been reading on this site all day today here at the office instead of working. And I can see a lot of things I've done wrong according to the articles here. But, now that I know, what can I do? The next time I talk to my wife, she may be telling me when the divorce papers will be delivered. But if I try and call her or talk to her before she calls me, I know it will only make her angry.

I still don't know what to make of the night she didn't answer. Her story just absolutly doesn't make sense, and I'm afriad she may have spent the night with someone else. Sunday night was similar, but I didn't think of it at the time. I tried to call her Sunday night at 9 p.m. and didn't get an answer. But most Sundays, we'd go to her parents church, and she had talked with her mom of spending the night there that weekend since her mom was home alone for the weekend too. I figured that's where she was and didnt worry about it until now.

I now find out that her mom was trying to call her sunday night and didn't get any answer either. My wife says she was really tired and fell asleep on the couch and didn't hear the phone. Or, the constant beeping from the answering machine from the messages me and her mom both left. Again, I'm left wondering if she was actually home that night. As far as I know, she may not have been home any night while I was gone.

Please, any advice or prayers would be very much appreciated. I love my wife more than anything, and I do NOT want to loose her.

Sorry for the extensive post. I guess I was just trying to be thourough in everything I thought may relate.

<small>[ February 13, 2003, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: JohnnyB ]</small>

Hi Johnny
Long post, but hopefully this will be a shorter answer. I would chalk most of your situations up to immaturity on both your parts(by that I don't mean to belittle you, I mean it in general terms).

First, about the answering machine, since it seems to be some sort of "evidence" in your mind - I have the same sort of beep for my new messages. However, there is a button that you can set to have the message alert NOT occur. Possibly she did that. Let's not jump to conclusions about her whereabouts yet, just file it away for now.

Second, it seems that now, in hindsight, you have seen some mistakes you made and would like an opportunity to correct them. That's great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It's when we're faced with losing things that we reassess ourselves. You need to determine what is the best way to begin interaction with her in order to show her you're serious about changing. And in so doing, we hope she will make some changes too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for her comment: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. She couldn't see us still being together in 5 years, and thought marriage shouldn't be this hard of work </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyone here at MB can tell you it is true - marriage IS work! You're working on yourself, you're working on your interpersonal skills, you're working at sex, you're working at communication - it's just plain work! But you have to look at the goal ahead, which is a healthy marriage.

You're the only one who can determine how and when to contact her. Perhaps Valentine's Day would provide an opportunity. If you think it will drive her farther away to call her, then a card, or an email (or an email card, LOL) might chip away at her resolve without doing too much "damage". But don't come off too overbearing. Good luck!

Thanks for your reply.

I wrote a non-threatening letter confessing the things that, looking back, I can see that I've done terriably wrong. I've acknowledged that I've hurt her and told her I'm sorry. I also let her know that I respect her needing time, and will keep my distance until she decides to contact me. Then, I added that if she wanted to, we could just meet out at a resturant tonite, anywhere for dinner.. No arguing.. No Guilt.. No Pressure.. Just to eat dinner and talk. If she doesn't want to, I'd understand.

Then, I talked to my mother-in-law. We're both really lost on the situation. My wife has barely said a word to her about it. She's worried, and wants to see us get marriage counseling and work things out. But if my wife wont' even talk to her own mother, I dont know if she'll ever talk to a counselor.

For now we're both just waiting, and praying, that my wife will come around and start to talk to one of us about it.

Thanks again for the advice. I do know that marriage is work, and realize that I havn't been working hard enough at it. I want soo much to make things right.

She's been holding onto her pain about me letting her cry. Either she can't, or won't, let it go. I'm still afraid, and waiting by the phone to hear from her.