I have come to the realization that my H is an alcoholic and has refused help for years. I finally "get" what Dr. Harley is saying that the principles cannot be applied when there is addiction.

Alot of reading, thinking and, talking over the last week has brought me to the decision to separate from my H. My H has threatened divorce many times when things don't go his way but this time I agree.

H still lives here, we are living separate lives in the same house. H has had 7 jobs this year and numerous jobs in the last years so we are just about to catch up on bills.

Financially it would be better for us both to stay together til summer. I think it would also be better for our H if the separation doesn't happen during the school year. She is already struggling as it is.

Seeing my H has an alcohol problem and verbal abuse has been a factor I am not sure that living together til June is a good idea. Right now H hasn't drank for a week and is on his best behavior but no papers have been filed and the custody and financial details haven't been seriously discussed. I think he may be on his best behavior thinking I will "get over" this and things will get back to normal.

I am worried once H realizes I am going through with the separation things may not be so civil. Has anyone had similar experience? Should I file right away? Wait til closer to June to file? I feel it may be very tense living together for 4 months knowing we are separating.

My H has nowhere to go if he moved out right away. (I know not my problem), no money to rent an apartment. We do have savings tied up in mutual funds etc. that I plan to liquidate to buy his half of our house. But if we cash some now for him to move out that will be all the less I have to pay H for his half.

Anyone have any suggestions or things to look out for to protect myself? I live in Quebec.
Is this even a good idea to do it like this?

First, Why should he move out, if it is a house with both your names on it legally he can stay there and there is nothing you can do about it. Sorry that is the law. Also, if he is willing to give drinking up for good would you work on the marriage? If so he must join and go to AA today. Non negotional on that.

Good Luck
Toyman

Toyman,
H asked me for a divorce. He has played this game before. When I have a problem with his drinking and the problems it causes he says "okay let's divorce". H has no intention of getting help. Basically, the problem is me. I need to look the other way and live with his drinking and it's consequences.

I choose not to ignore nor "deal with it" anymore. H has already told me that he wants a divorce and wants half of the proceeds of the house. I want to live in the house so will cash in all my savings to buy it from him.

Now H is saying he didn't really mean divorce it was the alcohol, stress etc. That's my point alcohol IS the problem. I don't care why he said it I agree with him. I am fed up with the lies, threats and manipulation.

I will give H what he wants. What I wanted to know is, from others experience is it a good idea to sit on this til the summer or just do it since the decision is made. Have others done it this way?

willow,

There are several of us on this board that have alcoholic spouses, including me. I totally agree with the Harley's that nothing can be done with the M untill there is sobriety. And even then it may not work, but there's not much chance when still drinking.

It is hard living with an alcoholic. It can be done, but it wears you out. Also you don't even realize that your thinking began to change in response to the situation.

Do you go to alanon? It took me 17 years to figure out that alanon really was for me. Right now it is a lifesaver for me. Do you have support, inside or outside of alanon?

Have you checked with an attorney or looked on line for DV websites (like divorce source.com) Every place is different, so it is advisable to check out your situation.

D.