Quick runover:
Married 4yrs
2 kids (married after first was born, I was 18, he was 22)
No confirmation of an actual physical affair but I have found many pictures of him with his hands on strippers that he tried to laugh off even as I was bawling when I confronted him. Also found that he had been emailing pictures of his privates(aroused) to other women (3 I think) and found a note detailing plans to meet one which he claims never took place. He has also stolen money. We got a loan once to pay off bills and he ran off with half of it and blew it on frivilous stuff. I almost divorced him then but he bawled and begged and said he'd never do it again. 2 months later no less he got into my purse took my debit card and took some more money. Wasnt so apologetic with this confrontation, was more mad that I caught him and felt I should pity him.
He has lost his job several times because he cant get out of bed like an adult and get to work on time. Claims his being fired is my fault because 'I couldnt wake him up'...
He has never had a checking account, I am always the one that makes sure the bills are paid. He is supposed to give me a measly $200 every week for bills and in the past month I've gotten $160 total. This is a norm. I have no idea what he does with his money and he blows me off when I ask. Then when I get on him about him giving me money he gets irratated. He's called me money hungry, and I dont get that cause I'm just asking him to share the expenses. He seems to think its fine if I spend my whole check on bills, and if my money covers them all then he doesnt need to give me any cause they're all paid. I feel like when he gives me money he thinks of it as 'Shes taking my money and using it on 'her bills' When they're 'our' bills.
Then hes unwilling to watch the kids unless I am working, even if I want to run to the grocery for an hour by myself. He considers watching his own kids a 'favor' he's doing me.
He has depression issues to boot. He's supposed to be on meds but he refuses to take them and when I ask him to he says 'you just like me better drugged, you dont like me the way I am' He feels his life is just terrible and no one does anything for him. He has awful mood swings and I've walked on egg shells just to keep him in neutral before. Nothing is his fault and everything is my fault for some reason.

Now after all that he is shocked that I've become detatched and unaffectionate. He does not know I am planning a divorce but I would think he'd at least have to know I'm entertaining it knowing all hes done.

I just want out of this. I feel like I'm on my own already as it is. I know I take better care of him than he does of me. I feel like this marriage is in no way a partnership. I work full time weekends and am at home the rest of the week with the kids. I dont go out with friends, except maybe once every 3 months or something. I handle the bills as well as I can with his scattered contributions. I have never given him anything to be hurt about as he has me. Yet in his eyes I am the selfish one and yes he has told me 'You are the most selfish person I've ever known, you are truelly spoiled.'(this I laughed my @ss off to cause he's the one that took my pain medication after I had our second child!! hows that for selfish?!) He claims that I always get things 'my way' and that I make all the choices(umm okay I dont think its my choice to be the only one paying bills and for you to walk all over me) I tried to get him to go to counseling a few years back but he refused and now I dont even want to bother and feel its too late. I just want out.
Heres the part that scares me. I dont make a whole lot, the little bit he does give is usually just enough to break even. I have no savings with his bouts of being jobless. I have no money for a lawyer. I'm thinking of seeing if I can get a personal loan to pay for it but my credit isnt so great, again because of when he was jobless. I want to make sure I can still take care of my kids financially when this is over. I try to factor in that when the D comes I wont be paying for his car insurance, the utilites will be down, and I wont have him lifting my debit card anymore, but I'm still not sure if I can do it. Everyone keeps mentioning child support to me, but I forsee him seeing someway around that. I know he'll feel if he's not living with me then why should I get his money even if its for our kids. My parents are very supportive but I dont want to expect them to bail me out, I want to crawl out of my own hole I've dug. And the other scary parts are actually telling WH that I want out. He has said in the past "If you ever want a divorce your going to have to get the papers signed with my cold dead hand.' Meaning he'd kill himself. I think thats just trying to manipulate me into not filing but still, I'd worry about my kids thinking I made their dad kill himself. I know that he will not want the divorce even now. I see him ripping up the summons, not appearing in court, denying its happening at all, not leaving the house, not getting a lawyer, I see all that happening. I'm sure thats going to make my lawyer bills even higher too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He still professes that he loves me and always has and acts hurt all the time because I cant/wont be all lovey dovey with him 'like I used to.' I know he's going to continue to make me miserable even after the D. And I have been with him since I was 14, he was my first kiss, date, everything, I'm practically going to be a virgin again!! He's all I've known tho now he's not even close to the man I fell in love with. I think its going to be hard to break away but I feel I need to do it or I'm going to be an emotional wreck the rest of my life. I'm scared of going back to square one, scared that he's not going to let me have the fresh start I want so bad. He's never liked me going out with my friends and questions my every destination when going out.('Where are you going? Whose going to be there? When will you get back? ect)
I dont know really what I'm looking for response wise. I keep looking for approval that I've given him plenty of time to change and people that know us say I have. I notice alot of people on this bb are highly religious so I thought I'd mention I'm of pagan beliefs and they do bring me comfort. I just really feel that I've given all I can to this relationship and that its still not enough for him and he's drained me. I feel trapped and alone at the same time. I feel like he's literally living off me but how he manages to still feel no one does anything for him I have not a clue. My plan was mainly to get some money saved, pay off some bills, look into area lawyers, get my ducks in a row so to speak, but he's getting worse and worse and I dont feel I can 'hang in' much longer. I'm in no physical danger by staying but I'm not sure I can handle it emotionally much longer. I'm tired of my kids seeing me cry and it breaks my heart when they've just seen their dad in one of his rages that leaves me fighting tears and my oldest brings me a tissue and gives me a hug, it just breaks my heart.
I'm not ready to tell him that I want the D untill I'm ready to file. I know if I tell him during an argument and I get cold feet he'll never take me seriously. I know I cant talk it over with him. Usually the way those serious talks go is I mention the problem and he gets up and leaves. I've been mentally gearing myself up for it for a long time but I know the 'perfect time' will never come and will one day just suck it in and do it.
Sheesh this is long, sorry! Felt good to vent all that though, and sadly thats not everything really. Thanks in advance for any responses, I'm posting this at work so he cant get into the computer and see what I've written so I might not get back very often. Blessed be

<small>[ February 17, 2003, 01:52 AM: Message edited by: sickofhurting ]</small>

(((((( sickofhurting ))))))

I am so sorry for your pain. And I can truly empathize with you. You are where I was at, just a few months ago (things for me reached their peak in October 2002).

My H was/is a controller. He was great at making me feel guilty, and I really did believe him most of the time. I would rationalize to myself, "he wouldn't do these things if I was a better wife". I would give, and give, and give to him. He was a fantastic taker too! But it was never enough. In my case, my H is also a SA (sex addict), and b/c of that, the MB principles could not work with him. It's sad, it really is.

I was reading through your post, and I swear that it could have been me writing it! My H too, took pictures of his privates, to send to women (men too? I'm not sure) over the internet. And the money issue!! OH MY!!! It's amazing how they always can find it for "their" stuff (for my H, it was electronics and computer related items), but if it's for something for the family, suddenly, there isn't any money available. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My suggestion to you, is to contact a local women's shelter. Look in your phone book (in the front pages, where the emergency numbers are located), and call whatever hotline there is for ABUSED WOMEN!!! You may not think you are one... but trust me, you are.

I had a hard time believing I was in an abusive relationship. After all, my H never struck me, nor did he lash out at me with vulgar language. Okay, yes, emotionally I was bleeding out for years... but how do you prove that???

I finally smartened up and called a local abused women's line. They worked with me (over the course of a few weeks) to make counselling appointments, and most importantly, to develop a SAFETY PLAN, to get ready to leave with my kids, should it become necessary.

Your H sounds like danger. If he's threatening to kill himself if you leave (or confront him for a D), then he's liable to lash out physically. Working with a women's centre, you can learn how to keep a low profile on what you're doing to get out.

On November 24, 2002, I couldn't take my h's abuse any longer. Thankfully, I had my plan, and was packed and ready to leave for the shelter. Of course, I took my boys with me (the oldest will be 4 in May, and the twins weren't even 2). I couldn't believe that I was doing it!!! But it was the BEST move I have made in a LONG time!!!

I was concerned about how my kids would be. Would they be upset b/c I took them away from their daddy? How would they handle the shelter environment? How could I break up our family? etc. But you know what? The kids did just fine. They had other kids to play with. Kids are "forward thinkers", and adapt very easily to new environments. And I wasn't breaking up my family.. I was protecting myself and our boys.

Please... call a women's helpline in your community. Get help from them. Still work here at MB, b/c it is important that you learn how to set boundaries, and look out for YOU.

I am so sorry that you're in the situation you're in. But be glad you found MarriageBuilders. This is a FANTASTIC place to be. And keep on venting whenever you need to. There's always someone here to "listen". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care,
Karen

Hugs to you!

It sounds to me like he's got an anger problem (some deep unresolved issues inside him), he's codependent, he's controlling (directly & indirectly), self-centered, and ???!!! Until he deals with himself and his issues, he can't relate to you as a marriage should be. He does seem to have need of you, but it sounds like it's from an unhealthy motivation. You are being abused and neglected.

If he refuses to voluntarily get counseling, go to Harley's marriage seminar or other marriage conferences, etc., then I know of only one other thing you can do short of divorce:

I know you said you are not Christian, but the Bible does offer a way of dealing with this dilemma. I did this with my Stbxh. In Matthew 18:15-19, it says if one offends you, to bring him to accountability with the church/pastor. You would contact the pastor, explain your situation, and ask him to contact your H. The pastor would meet the two of you together and/or your H alone, and the issues would be confronted and the truth offered about how to have a healthy functioning loving marriage....

Your H would be forced to the decision line: what is he going to do about his marital covenant? Is he willing to remain accountable to this pastor for his growth and to restore the marriage? He would be told that his anger & games are deadly and no longer tolerated. It would be stated firmly that you are not going back to the dysfunctional ways of the past, but only toward a better future.

Having no partnership and no emotional intimacy, plus his controlling & irresponsibility is draining! I've been there. My kids were not seeing a loving marriage, but him abusing and neglecting me. It's been 16 yrs of oppression and pain. I brought him to accountability with pastor/counselors and he quit, cried and said he can't change, and he filed for divorce. God gave me peace that I had done all I could do to restore this situation. H has made his own choices, and he is accountable to God for them now. I'm sad he refused to grow... we could have had so much better but he refused!

These types need a crisis, and then maybe they will wake up...maybe. The loving thing to do is to bring him to that decision line to get his life straightened out. If he is physically abusive, get a restraining order. Separate from him and be safe.

The God who created you, loves you dearly. Draw near to him!

<small>[ February 17, 2003, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: Renae ]</small>

{{{sickofhurting}}}
I agree with the advice you got from Topie25. I was also married to a controlling, manipulative, abusive, sex addict who accused me of all the things he was doing. My H is also a drug addict/alcoholic. After 20 years together, he left me for a much younger woman who enjoys the same lifestyle he does. Finally I'm facing the truth about our relationship that I never wanted to see.

This is a very supportive site, but Topie is right, the marriagebuilders recommendations don't work for people with serious addiction issues (sex, drugs, alcohol, rage, whatever).

The important thing for you is to get your life back. Take care of yourself and your children. Don't let him manipulate you with guilt. Focus on what you can do today. Don't overwhelm yourself with concern about what will happen tomorrow or when/if you file for divorce. Determine what your boundaries are and stick to them.

It sounds like you're on the right track. You're not alone.

I'm really sorry for your situation. Please protect yourself and your children. Do not fear what he does as a result of your actions. You are responsible for your actions; he is responsible for his actions.

Your needs are not being met but it sounds like he has some serious problems and will not be able to meet them until he has sorted himself out.

Stay strong. You deserve the best of everything and so do your children.

sp